Do I Need to Change My Bedtime Routine?

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

Little lady will be 4 at the end of May. Since she moved into her cot at six months old I've read to her every night. The routine varies a little but the key components are the same:

Up the stairs around 7pm. Currently we sit on her bed and I read her a short book. Then we head into the main bedroom where she spins me on the office chair, I her, then we get on the main bed and play/tickle etc. After that we go into the bathroom to pee, wash hands and do teeth. Once that's done we head into her bedroom where she gets into PJs, hug/kiss, hops into bed, I put a bedtime playlist on in the background (smart speaker) and proceed to read whatever book we're on at the moment.

The issue is this. My partner says I shouldn't be reading until she's fallen asleep. That I should read a bit and then get up and leave the room. That's fine in theory but anytime I've tried in the past to leave, she'll call after me to come back and if I don't, she gets upset.
We're quite sure she has some element of Sensory Processing Disorder. While it's not really a big deal day to day, it just means she can be quite emotional at times and she doesn't handle negativity at all well. Walking out of the room and leaving her to cry it out isn't an option.

I'm wondering if this 'closeness' feeds into the issue we sometimes have at night. She could wake-up during the night and will call for someone, usually me (Dad). You need to go otherwise she'll keep calling/get upset. Some of the time she can be put back to sleep easily, other times you need to stay with her. Quite often I find myself lying down with her and falling asleep as at 4 or 5am I'm not in the mood to wait 20 minutes for her to fall asleep. This doesn't happen all that often but it does on occasion.

My main point of query revolves around the reading to her until she's asleep- good or bad idea?

Minier81

My little one is only 2.5yo but my bedtime routine is tooth brush, then read, the final wee, then I lie down beside her til she falls asleep. Sometime I sing to help her but most times not. I am obviously on the gentle parenting bandwagon! I would never leave her upset.

Honestly I see no problem with the reading to sleep. It won't last forever and if it works for you I wouldn't worry.

zapper55

That sounds like a really lovely routine. Your daughter is lucky to have you. I wouldnt be inclined to change it unless it doesnt work for you, and you sound happy with it. Why does your partner want to change it, does it take too much time?

I've often thought about your precious post about your partners suggestion to get rid of thumb sucking. That combined with this post makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on with your partner. Does she seem to resent your daughter? Could there be some undiagnosed post partum issues?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you have to go by the individual child. If your child needs you to stay in the room until she falls asleep then do it. She's not going to still need you sitting on the edge of her bed when she's 15!

I have had 4 children. Each one of them different. Only one needed me to stay with him. One is quite adamant about me turning off the light and leaving the room and leaving her to do her thing before falling asleep.

Everything is a phase with children and as they grow and develop 'routines' get changed around to suit. She's only 4. She's actually a baby! I don't see any harm, for the time being, in continuing as you are. If she's still looking for your reassurance and presence when she's 15 THEN it might be time to think about doing something different

Kintarō Hattori

zapper55 wrote: »

That sounds like a really lovely routine. Your daughter is lucky to have you. I wouldnt be inclined to change it unless it doesnt work for you, and you sound happy with it. Why does your partner want to change it, does it take too much time?

I've often thought about your precious post about your partners suggestion to get rid of thumb sucking. That combined with this post makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on with your partner. Does she seem to resent your daughter? Could there be some undiagnosed post partum issues?

Thanks Zapper. I'm quite happy with it and feel it works for us both. It's time to bond, she's being read to and picking up new words/stories/things to play out.

I think she wants to change it as she feels it's healthier for her to fall asleep on her own, as opposed to needing someone there until she falls asleep.

My partner certainly doesn't resent our daughter but I do feel that she sometimes lacks empathy and the little fecker is a really sweet gentle soul who you have to take the soft but firm approach with. I feel that my partner quite often just goes for the firm approach, leaving out the nice part.
Honestly, I think there are some post-natal issues and I tried to raise it with her. I said I'd accompany her to anything that was needed etc but it was not at all well received.

xzanti

zapper55 wrote: »

I've often thought about your precious post about your partners suggestion to get rid of thumb sucking. That combined with this post makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on with your partner. Does she seem to resent your daughter? Could there be some undiagnosed post partum issues?

That's a bit of a leap in fairness.

Sometimes parents have differing ideas on how the child's routine should go. Many factors play into this. How either parent themselves were raised etc.

I think it's unfair to suggest that the Mother has "issues" because she's not completely in agreement about certain areas of the child's behavior.

OP I have a three year old. Like you, I read to him every night. But I found some nights; after I'd turned off the light and left the room, he'd hop out of bed and turn the light back on and start playing again.

Lately I've started just telling him stories with the lights off. Mostly off the top of my head tbh. I would make the story last about ten minutes and I'd kiss him goodnight, leave the room, keep all lights off as much as possible upstairs, and he hasn't gotten out of bed since I started doing this.

This is just something that's working for me, might not be any use to you, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

Minier81

I think sometimes all parents worry about what a child should do. I used to worry about all sorts of things that my child should be able to do: fall asleep by herself, self settle, will she ever stop breastfeeding (or wanting a bottle for others) etc etc. I'm sure I will have new worries as she gets older. Our society is very parent focused and not child focused and alot of focus is put on "training" a child. Honestly. If you think about it, its horrific! So I no longer worry. I would have that gentle chat with your partner, ie this won't last forever and it works for us for now.

bee06

I stay with my three year old until he falls asleep and will until he doesn’t need me anymore. He won’t always need me there. It’s all developmental and different children reach milestones at different times.

If it works for you I wouldn’t change it. Bedtimes will no doubt become a battle at some stage when she won’t want to go to bed at a certain time or whatever. I wouldn’t be drawing hassle on you when you don’t have to.

mordeith

No kid is the same with bedtime but I would wonder if all the playing before you go back into the bedroom might not be getting her overly excited before being put to bed?

Loveinapril

I think the routine sounds lovely but like the above poster, I would probably cut out/ down on the fun and tickles at bedtime. We still share a room with my 3 year old (tiny house!) and I read to him in our bed, maybe sing a song or two and sometimes stay until he is asleep but he doesn't necessarily need it, it is just lovely to do it! We transfer him into his own bed after he falls asleep, which I am sure others would disagree with. He used to ask me to stay but I would tell him I had to leave and I would let him call me, I would go back in for a sec for a cuddle of reassurance, say I had to go, leave and repeat as many times as needed before he fell asleep. It shows that you are still responsive and present but the leaving piece remains the same. I think it is lovely and love the connection, especially if he has had a tough day of big feelings. I completely agree with BBOC, it isn't anything to be concerned about while she is so young. Enjoy it- when she is a teenager she won't want anything to do with you!

Kintarō Hattori

Thanks for all the replies folks. In regards to the tickles.... I think she 'needs' that. As I mentioned she has some form of Sensory Processing Disorder and from what I know some children seek out a sensory experience. With my little one she needs that strong physical contact as being gentle just doesn't cut it for her.
I don't understand the ins and outs of SPD but some kids seek out a 'strong' experience. When she was a little overwhelmed when she was younger she'd lie flat on the ground as it gave her whatever 'sensation/comfort' she needed. Some will run in circles, others need strong sensory inputs so interesting textures, smells etc. My little lady I think needs those tickles in the evening as it satisfies some part of her sensory input.

Waffle waffle, I don't really know what I'm talking about. It's not a properly understood area and no-one has actually really explained it properly to us. It's a bit of guesswork.

mordeith

Our youngest guy has mild autism and he enjoyed very tight hugs as well as being tickled. Might be worth seeing if that works along with the tickles. If it does then the tickles could he phased out gradually.
All being said he didn't sleep well until 3 or 4 years old. Sometimes it's just time that sorts these things out. Not much help to you now but trying to figure things out can cause as much stress as the issue itself sometimes

xzanti

My eldest is ten. He was diagnosed with "Auditory Processing Disorder with Sensory" when he was six, after a lengthy assessment process.

Took him to Sensational Kids in Kildare Town for occupational therapy. He attended for about an hour a week for a couple of years. Usually on Saturdays.

They were great with him. They were able to identify areas which we could work on with him. Combined with OT in school also.

The school give him movement breaks regularly throughout his day and he has a wobble cushion to sit on, all to help him regulate himself. Without these he would lose focus and become anxious.

Sensational Kids have some great toys and activities you can buy for your home. We got him a big inflatable ball thing, with coloured balls inside for rolling around on. I'm sure you can probably get them online.

The last couple of years we've found it's much less of an issue. His OT in Sensational Kids was pretty confident that once he learned tools to help regulate himself, it won't really affect him past primary school age.

Honestly though, none of the above has ever really been a 'problem' for anyone other than his teachers. He was our first born so we didn't really have anything to compare him too. We just saw him as a bit of a live wire. A lot of the things that the school saw, and requested the assessment for, were the things that we loved the most about him.

I suppose once they're in a classroom setting, being a live wire and trying to hug all the kids can be a bit of a problem :eek::D

Anyway, we're very grateful to the teachers for bringing it to our attention, as it's getting sorted and he's gotten the assistance he needs.

He's a gas character and I wouldn't change a single thing about him.

jrosen

For us bedtime was always wind down time. I would agree with above about the tickles and play time. That would do the total opposite of winding down with my own kids.
Kids are all different. We always did face hands teeth, pj's and reading time. 1 of mine was great for having a snuggle and turning over to sleep themselves. The other 2 always needed the longer cuddle. Personally I dont like to stay untill they fall asleep because I found with mine if and when they woke they needed me to lie with them again until they fell asleep. So for selfish reasons I felt it important they were able to drift off themselves.

Neyite

I still stay with my 8yo until he falls asleep, and we read together. But it's usually during those times that the little questions and worries he might have from during his day gets talked about, and that's important for him that he's used to talking about what's on his mind, or does a bit of a brain dump.



If it works for you and your daughter, then keep doing it. These years are fleeting.

Kintarō Hattori

Thanks for all the feedback folks. Seems we've a good routine then, I'll keep it as is.

seamus

The shortest answer is that if it works for you, then stick with it.

Your routine wouldn't work for us, because we've more than one; so we'd never get the rest to bed! But also I know my four year old would keep yammering on and asking for more books to be read and would never go asleep.

At the end of the day you're not going to have a teenager who insists on having a story read to them at night or a parent who climbs into bed in the middle of the night. She's also getting to the stage where you can change the routine and explain it to her. On our first, when she got to about five, the routine changed from a story in bed, to a story downstairs before bed. We were able to explain it to her, and she took it like a duck to water. But before that it was nearly impossible to change the routine without two weeks of upset.