Marriage... not working for me

LegacyUser

I’m not sure where to start really.... but more and more frequently I’m having thoughts of leaving my husband. I’m not particularly happy at the moment (but that could be enhanced by COVID I do recognise). We have two young children, he’s a good father, just not a great husband.

He works full time, I work part time (by choice as I want to be with the children). We’re both pretty lazy but him more than me I’d say, he does next to nothing around the house. What he does do is mostly done in a half-arsed way that just annoys me more. We have zero sex life, I actually think it’s possible that the last time we had sex is when the 1.5yo was conceived... yet that doesn’t bother me. There’s no affection though he’d never give me a kiss or anything and I’m growing increasingly fed up so don’t initiate any affection either. I feel like it’s giving our kids a crap idea of what they should be striving for in their adult relationships

Practically we can’t afford to maintain two households. I just feel so demoralised and unhappy and trapped and frustrated. I don’t see a way out which is making it worse. I’ve told him how I feel and he gets upset and says he wants us to work on things but within 20 minutes it’s back to how it always is

LilacNails

Hi op,

I imagine covid has highlighted and magnified all the problems in people's marriages atm, it might be a blessing in disguise or sadly has proven the marriage is over.

It does sound like your husband cant be bothered to do anything. I would wonder might he be getting depressed? Do u think he genuinely wants to work at yer marriage? Is there a chance he might change for the better after lockdown and some normality comes back?

From reading your post, i reckon relationship counselling would be best for ye. He seems to have broken down communication. If he isnt willing to give it a go, then that would be it for me.

I wish ye the best.

dvdman1

You both need professional marriage counseling....sex and intimacy is key. Blaming wont get both partys anywhere. Do you find each other attractive, if this has changed, why has it changed?

manonboard

Hey OP.
Everytime you said something negative or lacking in your husband, you confirmed you yourself do it too. If you are not initiating affection, and when he does chores, you have a negative view of the results.. and you confirmed you are both lazy.
I'm not blaming you at all morally, just that it seems both of you sound quite the same. The things i would suggest you to do is to 1) Talk to him about your issues and both find out why you are both unhappy 2) Get marriage counselling. 3) Fix your side of it first before leaving him if it cant be fixed

If you don't fix your side of things, then why would your next relationship be any different? If you fix your side of things, it would repair half the marriage you are currently in and set a better example for your kids which you want.
If after you fix alot of your stuff, he still is not participating, then you've done everything you can and are better enough to meet a new person at some stage knowing you have your side of things handled well.

appletara

dontknow12345 wrote: »

We have zero sex life, I actually think it’s possible that the last time we had sex is when the 1.5yo was conceived... yet that doesn’t bother me.

You have a 1.5 year old which pretty much means you went into the pandemic with a very young baby, is it at all possible that you could be suffering from some kind of Post Natal depression issues? young baby then the pandemic and everybody stuck in the house together just cannot be easy. Can you think back to when the child was conceived ( the general time) were you happy then? did you guys get along at that point? if so then you really really need to consider that this is a reaction to what is going on in the world at the moment. I think as well the less sex you have the less you want it, perhaps getting back into some form of intimacy might help. Apart from your husband, are you happy with yourself? are you getting enough time to get out and exercise, or are you talking to friends albeit online...... are there things that you could do immediately for yourself to improve how you feel?

Purgative

Hi OP, I really do sympathise. Covid and lockdowns have knocked most people. Add to that a new baby your world has really been rocked.

One question I do have. Your husband works full time. How is that going? Is there a risk of short time or lay off? Is he worried about that?

dontknow12345 wrote: »

I just feel so demoralised and unhappy and trapped and frustrated. how it

There's some good advice here. Get a plan together and you'll feel better. If you can get your husband to sign up to it as well.

Good Luck,

Wanderer78

Maybe couples counselling, it's an upsetting situation for everyone, best of luck with it

Something practical first if you are both lazy gets a cleaner in once a week to do the big jobs it will take the pressure off both of you.

The intimacy, lack of affection, and what you are modeling to your children start by agreeing once a day to have a family hug children included.

Counseling is the way to go but if it's the wrong relationship no amount of counseling will fix it.

murpho999

I agree with the counselling option.

I don't mean as a magic bullet because that's not what it is. But it will get the two of you communicating properly again which is very important
It may lead to your marriage being restored or maybe at the end of the process one of you or both of you may decide to end the marriage.
Either way if that happens at least then you've given it your best shot and tried everything and you know you're making the right decision.

As you said you're not very happy at the moment, which shows that you have been in the past and could be in the future and you need to just find out what it is that makes you unhappy and speak to your husband about it before making any rash decisions that you may regret.

Best of luck to you.

TheBoyConor

I think what you describe is just an adjustment into settling into married life with children. You have 2 small children. Most couples sex life reduces significantly after children with all the stress and tiredness that it brings into the mix. I don't think there is anything here that is terribly out of kilter with typical married life, it is normal for the honey moon period to wear off. You mention that he is useless at helping out around the house..I wonder would he be inclined more towards being useful around the house if there was the prospect of a few more shenanigans for him sex wise if he were to pull up his socks in the housework department?

zoobizoo

It's hard with 2 kids to get any " me time" and any couple time....... Especially when you can't leave kids with parents or someone for an hour or two.


His day Mon to Friday consists of getting up. Deal with kids with you, work, finish work, back to you and kids, kids bed time...........
.... Then an hour or 2 before bed.


Yours is no easier.

There's cleaning, cooking and laundry to be done, now more than before.

Kids are loud... It's hard to get times of silence to chat, catch up, to say how you're feeling.


Then if he's working all day he might expect you to be doing more about the house.

Resentment builds if there is a feeling of a lack of support. You towards him and vice versa.



You need to try to remember who you guys were as a couple before kids.... Why you were suited.... What you liked about them and they about you.



It can work. Good luck

secman

You have to "work" a marriage, it just doesn't,t merrily go along without work. Sounds like you are both just drifting along and neither of you are helping the situation. Sorry to hear ,especially with 2 young kids. You both need to sit down and have a proper real talk,if you can't do this, counselling. Otherwise the path you are on will do nobody, you yourself, husband and the children no good. Its far from doomed, but its on the 2 adults to stand up to the job you signed up for.
I'm just married 40years next month and trust me we reached a point where my better half was very unhappy, I had to make changes to my application and her some too. It takes work...just doesn't happen without it.
Best of luck, sincerely.

TheBoyConor

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think what you describe is just an adjustment into settling into married life with children. You have 2 small children. Most couples sex life reduces significantly after children with all the stress and tiredness that it brings into the mix. I don't think there is anything here that is terribly out of kilter with typical married life, it is normal for the honey moon period to wear off. You mention that he is useless at helping out around the house..I wonder would he be inclined more towards being useful around the house if there was the prospect of a few more shenanigans for him sex wise if he were to pull up his socks in the housework department?

That is dreadful sex is not a reward for being more useful around the house.

The house is their home as much his as hers its a bit teenager to not want to put the effort in to keeping your home nice or to see it as the other persons job to do things around the house, its a lack of seeing the adult effort involved in ruining a home and being a parent.

Not having sex for a year and a half is not normal in a relationship even with children.

KaneToad

mariaalice wrote: »

That is dreadful sex is not a reward for being more useful around the house.

The house is their home as much his as hers its a bit teenager to not want to put the effort in to keeping your home nice or to see it as the other persons job to do things around the house, its a lack of seeing the adult effort involved in ruining a home and being a parent.

Not having sex for a year and a half is not normal in a relationship even with children.

Is it not longer than a year and a half?
The conception of the 1.5 yr old adds another 9 months. Long time.

TheBoyConor

mariaalice wrote: »

Not having sex for a year and a half is not normal in a relationship even with children.

Perhaps not for that length of time, but I think any couple who has a few small children and toddlers would agree that sex very much takes a long holiday what with the level of attention and lack of sleep that small children need.

TheBoyConor

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Perhaps not for that length of time, but I think any couple who has a few small children and toddlers would agree that sex very much takes a long holiday what with the level of attention and lack of sleep that small children need.

Yes of course, but it does depend on what is going on with the couples even those with children, for example, apparently covid has t lead to breakups of relationships because the relationship worked when there were nice things, holidays, nights out, not being forced to spend all day every day with each other, no amount of counseling is going to fix a relationship like that because the deep down fundamentals are not there.

Or if it is just the daily grind of house and looking after children pulling the relationship down plus a bit of immaturity as to the realities of running a home and having children, on both or either side, counseling could really help that.

LegacyUser

OP, You said: "I just feel so demoralised and unhappy and trapped and frustrated. I don’t see a way out which is making it worse. I’ve told him how I feel and he gets upset and says he wants us to work on things but within 20 minutes it’s back to how it always is"

I think you should give him an ultimatuim. Tell him that if things don't improve in say, three months, that you want out! And stick to this. It's by no means what either of you want, I'm sure, but there's no point in you staying in a relationship which has you feeling as you do. Counselling has been suggested and I say give that a try but it doesn't always work out the best.

Good Luck.

LegacyUser

I agree with manonboard, you said you're both lazy and that there's no affection or intimacy.

In the OP you said "I’ve told him how I feel and he gets upset and says he wants us to work on things but within 20 minutes it’s back to how it always is"

What's really going to change within 20 minutes? Do you just say how you feel and expect him to fix it? or do you come up with a plan? You don't seem to have any ideas or plans to fix it yourself or even the motivation to fix it so it sounds like talking about it and then waiting for him to fix it is kind of absolving yourself of the responsibility there and putting it all on him.

I see that you weren't actually blaming him in your OP either but perhaps in a way you're saying to yourself well I did try to talk to him about it and he did nothing so I tried.....but from his point of view he could think he tried in certain ways and you didn't.

Do you want to give the relationship a real chance? If so then you need to really commit to it, the two of you and come up with a plan for what you are actually both going to do to try to make it work.

If not then realistically you are going to have to prepare for the relationship ending at some point in the future and that you will have to run 2 households because although unhappy couples often do continue on for years in an unhappy relationship, they don't tend to stay together forever anymore like people used to do. Normally the tension becomes unbearable or people start to seek out some affection/intimacy elsewhere.

Keyzer

Henry O wrote: »

OP, You said: "I just feel so demoralised and unhappy and trapped and frustrated. I don’t see a way out which is making it worse. I’ve told him how I feel and he gets upset and says he wants us to work on things but within 20 minutes it’s back to how it always is"

I think you should give him an ultimatuim. Tell him that if things don't improve in say, three months, that you want out! And stick to this. It's by no means what either of you want, I'm sure, but there's no point in you staying in a relationship which has you feeling as you do. Counselling has been suggested and I say give that a try but it doesn't always work out the best.

Good Luck.

Well done Henry, put all the blame on the man even though the OP says she is also lazy and displays similar behaviors to the partner. Dumb advice.

OP - you need to sit down with your husband and talk this through, in a mature manner. Lay out your expectations, ask him for his. Devise a plan on how you can get back to a good relationship, write down the things that annoy you and ask him to do the same.

You need to work together to fix this. Its fixable though.

ILoveYourVibes

dontknow12345 wrote: »

I’ve told him how I feel and he gets upset and says he wants us to work on things but within 20 minutes it’s back to how it always is

Make out a written plan of HOW you are going to change things.

Maybe a cleaning rota? Maybe schedule in a date night?

Have him write it down on his phone so he gets reminders everyday. Like ..I must hover today ..or whatever. Tomorrow is date night.

Ask him what his needs are.

You have to organize these things.

Good luck OP i hope things improve. It sounds like with him the mind is willing.

LegacyUser

I was in almost exactly the same situation as you about up until four months ago. In my case the situation had lasted about 6 years. We kind of slipped into that kind of relationship. I frequently complained about the lack of sex and my wife would respond maybe once a month with sympathy sex which left me feeling worse. I frequently tried to talk about things but she would remain closed off, refused to engage or give me a reason off the top of her head, which I would act on but it would never change things. The mistake I was making was that I always focused on the thing I missed the most, intimacy.

Things changed four months ago because I sat her down one night and spoke about the great times we had pre-kids, how happy we were, the fun we had. I spoke about how I wanted that time back, how I missed having fun with her, how I felt like I was living in a house with children and a wife that I love but feel lonely, I told her that I missed her. She became very upset and apologetic. It was the first time in six years that I had gotten through. Things have been great since then, undoubtedly the happiest we have been since we had kids. Although my mental health has taken a hit as I still question why I had to do all the work while she was prepared to let things continue to slide.


My advice to you is to do the same as I did. Reminisce about the reasons why you got together in the first place, find out what he misses the most from those times. If it's intimacy, be provocative. If it's fun/craic, have a date night that will guarantee that. Do the things that will bring him back to those times and I would be willing to bet that he'll respond in the present with the things you are missing from him now. Like us, you have children together, it's worth the effort, even if the effort is all from you.