Therapy not working for me

LegacyUser

Hi all. I've asked for advice here before and getting therapy has always been suggested. I have tried a few therapists so far, and yesterday had another session with a new one but I think I am completely finished with that avenue now. 90 euros for someone who was absolutely useless. I'm not great at talking about myself too much but she didn't really know how to deal with that and even ended the session 20 minutes early. She was even checking her phone at one stage. I had written everything down that was bothering me and went through this stuff with her but that only takes up a few minutes really to describe how I'm feeling.
The best she seemed to be able to come up with was "What are you thinking about?" during awkward silences.
I broke up with my partner last year and I'm still cut up about it and it doesn't seem to be getting much better even though I've been doing all the things you're supposed to do. At one stage she suggested that it was never too late for me to try reconciling with my ex! The last thing I want to do is humiliate myself by contacting her.

Is this normal? This is a respected therapy clinic too.
This is after trying 2 different ones earlier in the year who were not as bad but I still don't know what they have to offer, I'm starting to think the whole thing is a sham.
I know people always say you have to keep trying until you find the right one, but they cost a bloody fortune and I can't waste money like this any more.

It's been almost a year since we split up and every day I miss her, I'm heartbroken and mad at myself for messing things up. I'm in my 40s too this isn't my first rodeo but I am really struggling to move on. I'm working out every day, practicing mindfulness, trying therapy, eating well and rarely having alcohol... I just don't know what to do any more and January and the hopelessness of everything right now is compounding everything. I just want to be happy.

Has anyone come out of a funk like this before?

Airyfairy12

Hi OP, Id have to agree with you about counselling, ive been to 10 counsellors over the last 10 years and found them all to be useless. Theyre fine for venting out thoughts & feelings in a private space but besides that, useless! If I could take any positive from therapy, I learned how to do mindfulness but I still struggle in the same areas that I always have.
Ive learned more and gained better coping skills from listening to podcasts about mental health and doing my own research which shouldnt be the case, I went to therapy hoping to gain some insight into how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way and how to over come those feelings & behaviors with the hope of improving my life & relationships but left every counsellor none the wiser. In my experience all a therapist does is nod their head, ask patronizing questions & give no relevant feedback.

As for your ex, I know you said you wouldnt think about contacting her & I wonder why that might be? Besides you feeling embarrassed for doing so, what other reasons are there for not contacting her? Is she in a relationship or did you try before & she express that she had no feelings for you?
If you both loved each other & are both currently single, what's the harm in sending her a message to see how she is?

This is an especially hard time for everyone and life problems are magnified right now, we cant do anything fun or exciting so theres not much to look forward to, theres little to do for people to distract themselves and most people have too much time to think. I heard on the radio that sales of anti anxiety & depression medication have gone up.
Sounds like youve tried everything you can to help your mental health but nothing is working, have you spoken to your doctor about it? Maybe they can suggest something for you?

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Hi OP, Id have to...

Thank you so much for your message. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way about therapy. Nodding their head and doing nothing for 90 quid an hour, sure why wouldn't they?
I do a lot of reading on how the brain works such things, so I've probably analysed my personality down to every last neuron at this stage, and I've learned a lot about my behaviours from this. I feel like I have a much better understanding of myself in the last year than I did before, so maybe I'm doing ok in some regards.

I'm pretty sure she's single, but she broke up with me because she had enough of me being withdrawn and not being a great partner eventually. It was amazing up until the last couple of months though, well for me anyway. I tried everything at the time for her not to go but it seemed like she 100% had her mind made up. I did send her a happy xmas email and I just got a couple of lines in response, it seemed clear to me that she doesn't want to know me any more.
So although I want to pour my heart out to her, I feel like it might just make her think even less of me, and hurt my self esteem further. I have zero interest in other women or seeing anyone else now, there would be no point, I still love her very much, even though I haven't seen her in almost a year. Sad I know.

I think if I still feel as down in a few months yes maybe I will see a doctor. I'm just finding it very hard to put one front in front of the other the last couple of weeks, even though I have been doing so well at times, I didn't think I'd end up so alone at this stage in my life.

Segotias

Sounds like your next step should be a doctor.

With regard to therapy, can I ask what you expected of them. I've been to see one and found her great, so they're definitely all different.

When I went in I knew she wasn't going to fix me or tell me what to do instead was there as a tool for me to use to sort myself out. I know friends who've been to therapists and were expecting the therapist to literally tell them what to do to sort their problems when it doesn't work that way.

With regard to your ex, you say everything was great up to close to the break up but as you say thats how you felt it was, it could have been completely different for your ex. If she was 100% about ending then it sounds like it was longer for her.

Perhaps you should write everything down you want to say to her and keep it, you can reflect on it and then after you've re read it you might be in a better place about what you want to say to her. I doubt she'd think any less of you but as its been so long and you haven't seen her or really been in contact, even if you did send it to her I would do so with no expectations.

LegacyUser

Segotias wrote: »

Sounds like your next step should be a doctor.

With regard to therapy, can I ask what you expected of them. I've been to see one and found her great, so they're definitely all different.

Well I didn't expect much, but if it's just someone nodding for an hour, and not even directing the talk in any direction, and finishing up 15 minutes early when it's costing me a fortune, then I really just don't think it's worth it. I maybe should buy one of those dogs that nod in the back of a car, and talk to that, it'd save me a fortune.

Segotias wrote: »

With regard to your ex, you say everything was great up to close to the break up but as you say thats how you felt it was, it could have been completely different for your ex. If she was 100% about ending then it sounds like it was longer for her.

Oh I'm well aware of that, she wouldn't have broken up with me if she didn't think it was over for good, so that's why I wouldn't humiliate myself by reaching out to her, more rejection is the last thing I need. Although I am always tempted to pour my heart out to her in an email, I think the feeling that it'd just lessen her opinion of me further wins out in the end, so I haven't said anything.
It wasn't my first relationship though, and normally by now I've started to move on and maybe become interested in other women. This time nothing, I have zero interest, I thought she was perfect for me and I still managed to mess it up, so what's even the point any more? That seems be my manner of thinking right now.

Segotias wrote: »

Perhaps you should write everything down you want to say to her and keep it.

I'm pretty sure I have done this already. Nothing seems to work. I guess I'll get over it in time, but it is being compounded by the current situation, not being able to get out, go anywhere, see anyone. I think I would have been a good father and it also feels like my last relationship was my last chance, I'm too old now. Maybe I'm just having a sh*tty time of it lately and it'll pass, I hope so.

bertiebomber

I agree counselling is a big scam i paid a fortune to sit opposite a cushion which was supposed to be my father and all i could do was think about the awful pattern on the cushion and how cheap the material was. A good friend is worth talking too on your issues rather than a costly therapist. Tried and tested and not going again. Americans foisted this ****e on us and we believe we need it , we never did in the past i regret the money i spent before i opted out.

ILoveYourVibes

A lot of counselors are just in it for the money.

And they don't really know how to help people.

OP i would submit to you it is harder right now because we can't socialize.

Maybe try and socialize on skype as much as you can???

When this is over you will meet someone else. And move on.

statto25

Counselling doesn't work for everyone but to say it's a scam is a bit much. Without counselling and finding the right counsellor I doubt id be typing this post. Like you OP I struggled to find one that I felt comfortable with. I used the experiences to outline what I felt went wrong with the previous therapy and we went from there. I also supplement sessions with writing and research from books and articles. I would agree that having a friend and partner you can speak to also helps as it gives you an outlet between sessions if needed

apache

€90 is very dear for a therapy session. I find my therapist very helpful and at €60 a session it's more manageable. At €90 you'd want to be seeing a Psychologist.

Gruffalux

You are doing really good things. Working out. Eating well. Sitting quietly to experience peace regularly. These are good so keep doing them.

With respect to the relationship that ended 1 year ago and which still hurts you, you have no choice now but to move on.
Talking about it or thinking about it does not help. If it arises in the mind calmly give it a short while - don't suppress it - but then move on with quiet determination to absorbtion in other things.
Repeat all the way until it arises less and less to almost never, which can take as long as it takes.

Things happen to most people that they wish did not happen. Some people get terminal illness. Some people have bad accidents. Some people lose someone they love. Everyone gets suffering of some sort. Some get it really bad. This is the rough way of it.
On the scale of badness you have to put yours into perspective - it is very painful but not the worst. You have this strong heartache you have to get determined about now and move on solidly from.
That is just the way it is.


If you want to add to all the good solid stuff you are already doing take on a really absorbing and ambitious project. Build something you think you cannot. Renovate. Learn something completely new. Do some intense physical activity. Something. Anything. Keep going. You can do it.

fireglo2020

1. Try to find a therapist on the PSI or IAHAIP website. There are lots of charlatans out there.
   
   
   • https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/footer/PSI-Chartered-Psychologist-Online-Directory
     https://iahip.org/
   
   
2. A good therapist will ask you at the start to sign a contract. On this contract, you will write down what you would like to achieve/explore and across how many sessions. You should discuss how many sessions with the therapist based on the nature of the issue. You should check in with the therapist and tell them if you are finding the sessions beneficial - they should also check in with you.
   
3. The first few therapy sessions will be about the therapist listening and getting to know you. They may not say much. If you need explicit direction to help tackle your problems - ask them for (i) direction (ii) homework or (iii) reading material on the issue that may help. Most people's issues start from early relationships and it's going to take more than 1 or 2 sessions to unravel 20 / 30 / 40 years of life, especially if trauma is involved.
   
4. A good therapist will wait for the right time to give an intervention or even better yet will ask you questions in such a way that makes you realize how to tackle the issue/problem you are facing or make you realize the root causes of the same patterns appearing in your life.
   
5. A therapist cannot "cure" or "fix" you. They are a medium through which they can help you address the problems you are in therapy for.
   
6. Transference is real. A lot of people have unresolved issues with their primary caregivers in life and these come out ALL the time in therapy. Be careful you don't project anything onto the therapist OUTSIDE of the boundaries of the client/counselor relationship or expect something more outside of the contract.
   
7. The most important factor for all therapist/client relationships is "fit". Loads of studies and research has been conducted on this. If you had a gym instructor that you signed up for and didn't like you would change him/her and not stop going to the gym. If you had a hairdresser you didn't like, you wouldn't stop cutting your hair. Don't be afraid to say to your therapist that you didn't think it's working out between ye two - you are both adults and they are professionals. Ring them and say it before the session so you don't have to pay for another session.
   
8. PSI/IAHIP both have a complaints procedure but before going down this avenue I would strongly look at the contract you sign with the therapist and ask yourself if you think you may be experiencing transference. Especially if you have been to a few and you haven't clicked with one. As I mentioned above, transference is a very real phenomenon.

bitofabind

Took me about two years to get over my ex. Took me about a year to see the real benefits of therapy. Them being, I felt better, understood myself and liked myself a bit more. These things take time and have no quick fix.

And in my case I felt worse before I felt better. I wept for months. Addressed a lot of trauma and pain that I had been burying for years. Understood the “whys” as to many things that led me down the road of not feeling OK. Why I self sabotaged. I still self sabotage and learn harsh truths about myself because this kind of work is long, complicated, doesn’t end. The difference is without therapy, I’d have gotten over my ex but continued a lot of negative patterns like choosing the wrong men, having no boundaries, hating myself. With therapy, I got over him and changed a lot of these patterns.

In terms of feedback, I don’t get much from my therapist. She mostly responds with empathy and makes open statements like “that sounds very difficult”. “Do you feel that is familiar?” “Does that gel with your values?” Etc. I trust her and having her voice in my head when I’m berating myself has taught me self compassion, self patience. That feeling like things are always my fault is a form of self protection that doesn’t serve me. This is only possible because I trust her and feel safe opening up to her. Without that kind of chemistry, I’d probably feel like you do.

You won’t trust or feel safe or connect with every therapist like this. Why is why it’s important to try a few, and experiment with different types of therapy. CBT did nothing for me, I felt completely unseen and patronised and do talk therapy instead. But I have friends that swear by this very practical way of reprogramming your brain.

Keep the healthy practices up. Think about other forms of therapy that might suit your personality more. Give it time. And see your GP in case medical intervention is something you can look at in the short term. And remember, this is a long game. Don’t get in your own way here because of impatience and frustration.

LegacyUser

Gruffalux wrote: »

Things happen to most people that they wish did not happen. Some people get terminal illness. Some people have bad accidents. Some people lose someone they love. Everyone gets suffering of some sort. Some get it really bad. This is the rough way of it.
On the scale of badness you have to put yours into perspective - it is very painful but not the worst. You have this strong heartache you have to get determined about now and move on solidly from.
That is just the way it is.


If you want to add to all the good solid stuff you are already doing take on a really absorbing and ambitious project. Build something you think you cannot. Renovate. Learn something completely new. Do some intense physical activity. Something. Anything. Keep going. You can do it.

Oh I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I was at my friend's dad's funeral yesterday who died from covid, now that's worthy of being upset about for a long time.
Still though, I'm regularly down over it. I see where I went wrong and what was happening and I've learned a lot about myself, but she's gone now, and even the new improved version of me who can spot when he's doing stupid things still wont be able to be with her. I miss her terribly and I'm angry with myself for pushing her away.
Yeah I've been renovating my house, I'm making a vegetable garden, growing all kinds of plants indoors, taken up jogging a few times a week, studying at night... I don't really know what more I can do, I've never had more hobbies.
I installed a dating app briefly, a couple of weeks ago, it just made me realise I have absolutely no interest in meeting women, for the first time in my life. That makes me sad, that I am still pining for someone after all this time. I deleted the app shortly afterwards.

bitofabind wrote: »

Took me about two years to get over my ex. Took me about a year to see the real benefits of therapy. Them being, I felt better, understood myself and liked myself a bit more. These things take time and have no quick fix.

And in my case I felt worse before I felt better. I wept for months. Addressed a lot of trauma and pain that I had been burying for years. Understood the “whys” as to many things that led me down the road of not feeling OK. Why I self sabotaged. I still self sabotage and learn harsh truths about myself because this kind of work is long, complicated, doesn’t end. The difference is without therapy, I’d have gotten over my ex but continued a lot of negative patterns like choosing the wrong men, having no boundaries, hating myself. With therapy, I got over him and changed a lot of these patterns.

In terms of feedback, I don’t get much from my therapist. She mostly responds with empathy and makes open statements like “that sounds very difficult”. “Do you feel that is familiar?” “Does that gel with your values?” Etc. I trust her and having her voice in my head when I’m berating myself has taught me self compassion, self patience. That feeling like things are always my fault is a form of self protection that doesn’t serve me. This is only possible because I trust her and feel safe opening up to her. Without that kind of chemistry, I’d probably feel like you do.

You won’t trust or feel safe or connect with every therapist like this. Why is why it’s important to try a few, and experiment with different types of therapy. CBT did nothing for me, I felt completely unseen and patronised and do talk therapy instead. But I have friends that swear by this very practical way of reprogramming your brain.

Keep the healthy practices up. Think about other forms of therapy that might suit your personality more. Give it time. And see your GP in case medical intervention is something you can look out in the short term. And remember, this is a long game. Don’t get in your own way here because of impatience and frustration.

Yes I also self sabotage at times, what I've realised I do is that when someone likes me and loves me, after a while of everything being rosy some underlying self loathing thing or low self esteem starts to raise its head, and I almost start to become repulsed in some ways by someone who likes me and push them away. This part of me only shows up when I'm in a relationship though, I don't know why.
I read a book called "Attached" and it goes on about different attachment styles. I am an "anxious avoidant" there aren't many of my type out there apparently. It's strange because I had an idyllic childhood and parents who adored me.
But what can a therapist do about this? I don't even know what I'm supposed to want from them.
I just want to be be able to love and be loved and have a partner one day. Or be happy on my own. I am generally content enough on my own but I do feel like a bit of a weirdo being the only person I know who can't hold down a relationship.

I did explain all these things to the therapist, it took about 10 minutes. The rest of the hour (well 45 mins) was just terribly awkward and I was constantly looking at the clock hoping for it to end.

PoisonIvyBelle

I've done a LOT of therapy and it was the best investment I ever made in my health and my life. My therapist is a counselling psychologist and doesn't do the whole just sitting there nodding thing. But you do have to know what you want from it, or at least be very open to figuring that out with the therapist - as good as they may be, no-one can read minds. On the other hand, I have a friend who was in therapy a few years ago and felt the same as me until she returned to it this year with a different therapist whom she hasn't been able to connect with at all. She's said the same thing as you about the lack of feedback or guidance (at all). So it could be that you're just not clicking with the one you have now.

Also agree re: the doctor. Having both working together or at least having knowledge of each other and your current progress with them would be the best situation.

bitofabind

You're approaching this from a quick-fix mentality OP. Like you're walking into a therapeutic environment, giving them a laundry list of your self diagnosed problems - "unhealthy attachment style, self sabotage in relationships, but perfect family background - so no childhood sh1t please. Now go. Fix it"

Silence is a very effective and necessary part of the therapeutic process because you're not a car that needs a new engine, you're a human with a complicated brain and emotions and trauma is complex and can't be wrapped into a neat little problem-solving box. Silence is uncomfortable for most of us, especially when we think we already have the answers and yet...here we are. Silence is the starting point for a new kind of introspection, being heard in a way that we never have before, even by ourselves.

I say that as a problem-solver who thought I had all the answers, was smarter than my therapist, had already self diagnosed better than she probably could, and also had the "perfect childhood" and being miserable was just some big flaw in me. No reason for me to be depressed, fix it please. Things are not that simple because you are not that simple. And delving into this stuff is deeply comfortable too and you can sometimes have a resistance to that.

There's a few possibilities here, OP. The first are that 1. talk therapy is not for you, 2. you haven't connected yet with a therapist in a way that is necessary to start this painful process. Or 3. you have a vulnerability block. The same block that caused you to push your ex away, is keeping these therapists at bay too. Just something to think about.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I've been to a few different therapists over the years and agree that some of them are terrible. I had one who would just constantly ask me "and how did you feel about that?" when it felt like she had nothing else to say. Had another one effectively tell me that all men are useless and you have to train them to get them where you need to in a relationship! There are definitely bad therapists out there who are limited in their ability to help you on a deeper level. Therapy shouldn't just be listing out what's bothering you, that's not helpful nor healing at all.

Last year I decided to shell out a bit more and go to see a psychologist who had experience in the areas I needed help with. This woman has a solid education, including a PhD on the topic I wanted to work on. The difference between her and a regular psychotherapist/counsellor has been astounding. She has lead me through some really insightful conversations, realisations and healing; she's helped me to see so much about myself I never realised and totally change how I look at myself. It's been the proper deep work that I really needed.

She costs a bit more than a regular therapist, at €105 for 50 minutes - but those 50 minutes are invaluable to me. I talk to her every 2/3 weeks, depending on what my needs are, so it's a bit more affordable. In the last year my relationship with myself has changed significantly for the positive, and I feel so much healthier mentally.

You're paying €90 for what sounds like a counsellor with poor training - for that cost you should really be seeing someone with higher qualifications. I would give it another try looking for someone new, if I were you - but pay attention to their qualifications, their work history, the areas they specialise in, if they are part of a professional body, and if there are any reviews of their clinic online. There are good professionals out there, but sometimes it takes a while to find them.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

You're approaching this from a quick-fix mentality OP. Like you're walking into a therapeutic environment, giving them a laundry list of your self diagnosed problems - "unhealthy attachment style, self sabotage in relationships, but perfect family background - so no childhood sh1t please. Now go. Fix it"

Silence is a very effective and necessary part of the therapeutic process because you're not a car that needs a new engine, you're a human with a complicated brain and emotions and trauma is complex and can't be wrapped into a neat little problem-solving box. Silence is uncomfortable for most of us, especially when we think we already have the answers and yet...here we are. Silence is the starting point for a new kind of introspection, being heard in a way that we never have before, even by ourselves.

I say that as a problem-solver who thought I had all the answers, was smarter than my therapist, had already self diagnosed better than she probably could, and also had the "perfect childhood" and being miserable was just some big flaw in me. No reason for me to be depressed, fix it please. Things are not that simple because you are not that simple. And delving into this stuff is deeply comfortable too and you can sometimes have a resistance to that.

There's a few possibilities here, OP. The first are that 1. talk therapy is not for you, 2. you haven't connected yet with a therapist in a way that is necessary to start this painful process. Or 3. you have a vulnerability block. The same block that caused you to push your ex away, is keeping these therapists at bay too. Just something to think about.

The problem is, I don't really know how therapy is supposed to work, or what the point of it is, but it seems to be what everyone recommends. I've tried it multiple times over the years and I'm still in the dark pretty much as to how it's supposed to help me.
Is it just an hour a week where you try and figure yourself out in front of someone?
I mean not one therapist has explained what is supposed to happen, or how it works. It just doesn't really make sense to me.
I guess I do so much of that on my own, and read so much, that saying this stuff out loud to a stranger doesn't really seem to break any new ground. I am learning about myself slowly, unfortunately my harshest lessons came from mistakes I've made, but I'm getting there I think.
I don't think I'm depressed, but I do get down sometimes.
I think the therapist I saw the other day was by far the worst experience I've had so far, so maybe I'll try a different one sooner or later.
Thanks for taking the time to respond I appreciate it.

Airyfairy12

constantraven wrote: »

Thank you so much for your message. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way about therapy. Nodding their head and doing nothing for 90 quid an hour, sure why wouldn't they?
I do a lot of reading on how the brain works such things, so I've probably analysed my personality down to every last neuron at this stage, and I've learned a lot about my behaviours from this. I feel like I have a much better understanding of myself in the last year than I did before, so maybe I'm doing ok in some regards.

I'm pretty sure she's single, but she broke up with me because she had enough of me being withdrawn and not being a great partner eventually. It was amazing up until the last couple of months though, well for me anyway. I tried everything at the time for her not to go but it seemed like she 100% had her mind made up. I did send her a happy xmas email and I just got a couple of lines in response, it seemed clear to me that she doesn't want to know me any more.
So although I want to pour my heart out to her, I feel like it might just make her think even less of me, and hurt my self esteem further. I have zero interest in other women or seeing anyone else now, there would be no point, I still love her very much, even though I haven't seen her in almost a year. Sad I know.

I think if I still feel as down in a few months yes maybe I will see a doctor. I'm just finding it very hard to put one front in front of the other the last couple of weeks, even though I have been doing so well at times, I didn't think I'd end up so alone at this stage in my life.

I notice straight away youre blaming & criticizing yourself for the breakdown of the relationship. You said you wearn't a great partner, you were withdrawn and refer to yourself as 'sad' for still loving your ex.
What does 'not a great partner mean'? Where you abusive? controlling? mean? Reading your post it doesnt sound like it so maybe youre being a bit hard on yourself. Maybe youre just not the right partner for your ex. Someone else might appreciate all the traits that weren't compatible for her.
How are you withdrawn? Are you someone whose introverted & likes their own space? Those are perfectly normal traits to have but mismatched with someone who likes to be more adventurous and social. Neither is wrong, just different.

Do you find it hard to get out of your comfort zone? Maybe that could be something to try in the coming months when restrictions are eased? It could potentially give you new things to focus on & open up your world a little bit.

What really helped me get over someone I was with for a long time and who I loved very much, was changing things about my environment & habits. I was surrounded by so many memories of that person that made it impossible to move on.
I think the end of a relationship is the perfect time to try & get out of your comfort zone and create a new satisfying life for yourself, one that you enjoy.

It sounds like your current life is set up for the relationship you where in and now you have this big empty space and you dont know what to fill it with.
IMO Youre going to have to change something and start over, youre going to have to create a fresh start for yourself that doesnt involve your ex.

All that said, you'll probably always love your ex, I think allot of people would be reluctant to admit it but most people likely still have feelings for someone. Theres nothing wrong with that, it shows that you have the ability to love someone and thats just human, nothing 'sad' about it.

Instead of trying to get over those feelings like theres something wrong with you, maybe try and learn to accept those feelings for what they are and move forward knowing and accepting that your ex was a big part of your life.
You'll always care about her & all you can do is wish her happiness and focus on yourself and your future.
Suffering is a part of life and keep in mind that all relationships end one way or another either through breakups or death, its a part of life.
Try and accept your feelings and create something positive for yourself.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

What does 'not a great partner mean'? Where you abusive? controlling? mean? Reading your post it doesnt sound like it so maybe youre being a bit hard on yourself. Maybe youre just not the right partner for your ex. Someone else might appreciate all the traits that weren't compatible for your ex.
What does withdrawn mean? Are you someone whose introverted & likes their own space? Those are perfectly normal traits to have but maybe be mismatched with someone who likes to be more adventurous and social. Neither is wrong, just different.

God no nothing abusive or controlling, we never even had an argument really, never a raised voice even. I guess I just wanted to spend more time on my own eventually, and with her it was one social event after another with her friends or family. I found it hard to keep up with and eventually I refused to go to one or two things towards the end which seemed to really upset her.
So yes I guess we weren't compatible that way. I beat myself up for not making more of an effort at times though, it wouldn't have killed me.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Do you find it hard to get out of your comfort zone? Maybe that could be something to try in the coming months when restrictions are eased? It could potentially give you new things to focus on & open up your world a little bit.

No I do lots of things alone, no problem going on holidays alone or trying new things. If it wasn't for all this nonsense I would be relocating for a couple of months at least this year somewhere warm by a beach. Unfortunately I can't do anything right now and it makes matters worse.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

What really helped me get over someone I was with for a long time and who I loved very much, was changing things about my environment & habits. I was surrounded by so many memories of that person that made it impossible to move on.
I think the end of a relationship is the perfect time to try & get out of your comfort zone and create a new satisfying life for yourself, one that you enjoy.

It sounds like your current life is set up for the relationship you where in and now you have this big empty space and you dont know what to fill it with.
IMO Youre going to have to change something and start over, youre going to have to create a fresh start for yourself that doesnt involve your ex.

All that said, you'll probably always love your ex, I think allot of people would be reluctant to admit it but most people likely still have feelings for someone. Theres nothing wrong with that, it shows that you have the ability to love someone and thats just human, nothing 'sad' about it.

Instead of trying to get over those feelings like theres something wrong with you, maybe try and learn to accept those feelings for what they are and move forward knowing and accepting that your ex was a big part of your life.
You'll always care about her & all you can do is wish her happiness and focus on yourself and your future.
Suffering is a part of life and keep in mind that all relationships end one way or another either through breakups or death, its a part of life.
Try and accept your feelings and create something positive for yourself.

Yeah I do have some gifts and postcards and stuff from her still in my house, I should really throw them out.
All you are saying is correct, I just have been having a rough time of it in 2021 so far, hopefully things get easier as the year goes on.

YellowLead

You’re not alone OP. A lot of us are feeling wretched and lonely right now! We can’t do the usual things to snap us out of a funk.

LegacyUser

I had a similar experience years ago with a counselor when I was struggling with depression. After listening to me in the first session at the 2nd session he informed me at the start that he had apparently concluded I was 'a bit goofy'. Even if it was accurate I didn't go to therapy to be slagged by a stranger. I was ragin.That was a public one so I just never went back.

I would first off be going in or ringing and ask to speak to whoever is in charge and be adamant I get the money refunded, for exactly the reasons you stated, not keeping to time, looking at their phone. Seriously wtf.

With 90 euros you could buy a new pair of shoes and would probably do more for your mood than that clown.

And telling you to reconcile with your ex? That to me says they didn't take your issues seriously, simplified it to that one thing and thought if you just went back with her, boom, job done. Like they couldn't be bothered digging deeper. I would think any half decent therapist would suggest working on yourself a bit before going back into any relationship.

I had an addiction counselor who was quite good but ultimately you always have to do the work yourself. And I don't necessarily think talk therapy is the best thing for everyone. I read a book called 'Stop thinking, Start Living' which posits that reliving and trying to 'work through' painful events just keeps the pain alive and keeps the patient locked in a neverending process which keeps them on the billing list but never cures them and that there are other ways to treat it (CBT type stuff mostly, getting away from 'black and white' thinking).

Faith

constantraven wrote: »

The problem is, I don't really know how therapy is supposed to work, or what the point of it is, but it seems to be what everyone recommends. I've tried it multiple times over the years and I'm still in the dark pretty much as to how it's supposed to help me.
Is it just an hour a week where you try and figure yourself out in front of someone?
I mean not one therapist has explained what is supposed to happen, or how it works. It just doesn't really make sense to me.

Usually what happens is the first few sessions focus on the therapist getting to know you - asking about the presenting problems, but also about your background, family, occupational, educational and social history, hobbies, interests, goals, etc. During these sessions, there’s not generally much “advice” or guidance, just hopefully plenty of empathy and validation of what you’re feeling.

Once all that is teased out, each following session will be like working on a piece of the puzzle. You may decide what you want to focus on that week or it might happen organically on the day. A therapist isn’t there to advise and direct, they’re there to facilitate you to learn about yourself by asking gentle questions, making observations and reflections and encouraging you to think and reflect on things.

Silence is an important part of therapy, but some therapeutic models value it more than others. Psychoanalysis, for instance, involves lots of silence and is very passive in its approach (the classic ‘lie on a couch while the therapist says “hmm”’ kind of thing). CBT, for example, will be much more active, with goal setting, targets, outcome measures, homework etc. There are a dozen other models of therapy, and many therapists will use an integrative approach that tries to meet the needs of each individual, rather than fit them into a box.

The goal is usually, over time, to learn more about yourself - why you react in certain ways to certain situations, what your triggers are, how you typically cope with things, etc. Once those are identified, you can start making changes to them. You can’t change a behaviour you’re unaware of, so time needs to be devoted to exploration before “fixing”.

As others have said, there’s a huge amount to be said for looking at qualifications and experience! There’s a massive difference between someone who took a weekend course in counselling skills and someone with a 3 year doctorate in clinical or counselling psychology. Unfortunately the field is not well regulated yet, so it’s easy to go to the wrong person without knowing better. You also simply may not gel with the therapist, regardless of qualifications and experience.

apache

Faith wrote: »

Usually what happens is the first few sessions focus on the therapist getting to know you - asking about the presenting problems, but also about your background, family, occupational, educational and social history, hobbies, interests, goals, etc. During these sessions, there’s not generally much “advice” or guidance, just hopefully plenty of empathy and validation of what you’re feeling.

Once all that is teased out, each following session will be like working on a piece of the puzzle. You may decide what you want to focus on that week or it might happen organically on the day. A therapist isn’t there to advise and direct, they’re there to facilitate you to learn about yourself by asking gentle questions, making observations and reflections and encouraging you to think and reflect on things.

Silence is an important part of therapy, but some therapeutic models value it more than others. Psychoanalysis, for instance, involves lots of silence and is very passive in its approach (the classic ‘lie on a couch while the therapist says “hmm”’ kind of thing). CBT, for example, will be much more active, with goal setting, targets, outcome measures, homework etc. There are a dozen other models of therapy, and many therapists will use an integrative approach that tries to meet the needs of each individual, rather than fit them into a box.

The goal is usually, over time, to learn more about yourself - why you react in certain ways to certain situations, what your triggers are, how you typically cope with things, etc. Once those are identified, you can start making changes to them. You can’t change a behaviour you’re unaware of, so time needs to be devoted to exploration before “fixing”.

As others have said, there’s a huge amount to be said for looking at qualifications and experience! There’s a massive difference between someone who took a weekend course in counselling skills and someone with a 3 year doctorate in clinical or counselling psychology. Unfortunately the field is not well regulated yet, so it’s easy to go to the wrong person without knowing better. You also simply may not gel with the therapist, regardless of qualifications and experience.

I was going to explain it but couldn't have said it better myself.

apache

How long is too long to be going to therapy?