How likely will they do it

LegacyUser

I lost all my friends last year. We were all out on a night out on the town. We all had some drinks but I wouldn't say we were drunk. I don't know what I said that night but my friends all ganged up and stopped talking to me. They won't tell me why they stopped talking to me. It hurts so much to lose all my friends and be ignored. I feel so lonely without my friends.

I decided to give them all a piece of my mind. When they blocked me on WhatsApp, I went to messagner, when they blocked me there, I found them on tinder. All I want for them is to have some respect for me and tell me why they don't want to be my friend again. They won't tell me and they won't engage with me. They asked me to stop contacting them but I decided they don't have respect for me, why should I have respect for them, so I decided to find them and push a piece of my mind onto them. They are now claiming I am harassing them and that they are going to the Gardai. I am not harassing them. All I'm doing is giving them a piece of my mind. That's all I'm doing. I can't believe they would get me into trouble like this. Should I be worried that they said they are going to the Gardai or are they bluffing? All I want them to do is tell me what I did wrong. I can't seem to stop lashing out and showing them the pain I am in from the loss of my friendships.

Jenneke87

Keep pushing them and you'll find out. Really, what are you hoping to achieve here? You already told them repeatedly how you feel, and at this point, it is bordering on harassment. It's a pity they won't tell you what you did wrong, but the way you handled it afterwards would make me not want to talk to you either anymore.

TherapyBoy

It seems from your post that by your actions so far you are harassing them. Stop forcing yourself on them & concentrate on finding a new social outlet, though admittedly this will not be easy in current times. Stop trying to “give them a piece of your mind..”, they’re not interested & no one is benefiting from these actions, least of all yourself.

This is not going to be easy, but you need to move past it. Rise above, you’ll be happier for it.

bilbot79

I fear you could be one of these people who thinks their own behaviour is fine but it's not. Presuming they aren't complete psychos you must be pretty bad to have garnered this reaction from them.

I would suggest you rein in the 'giving them a piece of my mind' as this is likely the source of all your troubles. You're probably too aggressive and no-one needs that.

Whether it someone to just talks too much or someone that is horrible to be around there are just so many people out there that don't give a second thought to how they make others feel. It's so anti-social and other people end up walking on eggshells around them.

It's either that or your friends are mental

Hannibal_Smith

If the situation has got to the extent that they're threatening to report you to the Gardai - they are not going to listen to you. They have made it absolutely clear to you.

They asked me to stop contacting them but I decided they don't have respect for me, why should I have respect for them, so I decided to find them and push a piece of my mind onto them.

Rather than putting your energies into chasing people who don't want to be contacted, maybe you could look at seeking help on moving on with things yourself?

notsoyoungwan

I can't believe they would get me into trouble like this.

They’re not getting you into trouble. You’re doing that all by yourself and it would serve you well to reflect on your own behaviour and take responsibility for it.

Leave them alone. They’ve made it clear that contact from you is unwelcome and that they view it as harassment.

Yes, it would be nice if they had given you an explanation but at this stage they’re not going to.

Tork

When did all of this happen? (Covid restrictions in mind here...) And can you explain what "so I decided to find them and push a piece of my mind onto them" means. Are you stalking them and following them on the street? Messaging them from different phone numbers or accounts? Quite frankly, it's unhinged behaviour and you're coming out of this very badly. They asked you to stop contacting them but all you have to offer is "Oh no, I don't respect them any more" and an obsession with getting revenge and an answer that may not exist. There isn't always any one reason why friendships end and it could've been a gradual thing with this group of people. If they saw signs of this obsessive, creepy behaviour before this, I don't blame them for trying to cut you off like this.

When reading these threads I try to look at things from the perspective of the other party. And you know what, if I was one of your ex-friends I'd give going to the guards very serious consideration. I daresay if one of these ex-friends started a thread here explaining how someone was pestering them in this manner, that's what they'd be advised to do here. They have asked you to leave them alone but you're not listening. I have no idea if they will go to the guards or not but for your own good you've got to stop this bunny boiler behaviour right now. It'll work in your favour if they take things further.

YellowLead

OP I know it must hurt. But you can’t make people be friends with you unfortunately.

Grown adults don’t stop talking to friends out of the blue for no reason. And not say why.

Even if you don’t know why you must have done something pretty big. And if you didn't - then there is something very wrong with them if they didn’t say why, and why would you want to be friends with them.

Reasonable adults do not harass each other - it’s quite frightening you hunted them on tinder after you were blocked on whattasp. They could secure a restraining order against you where you wouldn’t be permitted to contact them, if I were them I would as nobody likes to be stalked and harassed.

Stop immediately, and seek therapy to help you get over the loss of friendship and any other issues you might have.

madnessnmayhem

OP

I've been in a similar position, was friends with few people, even on a Residents committee and suddenly after months people didn't bother contacting me etc... I did try to find out, someone else (not in the group of people I hung around with) said "I heard you were too in your face with some people" to this it shocked me and I wanted to find out more, I even had the Gardai saying if I keep hassling people they can get an ASBO on me.

I decided not to let it get to me and decided to ok their lost. In saying that it could be the smallest thing to something u may or may have not said and not realize u said it.

Look best I can say move one maybe at some point you may find out but move on don't let it get to you, otherwise it would eat you inside and make you sick with worry etc...

Jequ0n

I have heard of collective ghosting at this scale though I was never part of it, and it seems to just accelerate the effects that “regular” ghosting has. I find it fascinating though.

I think everyone would want to get answers, but it seems clear that you will not get them this way.
Find other friends, because I can’t see how people who collectively decide to ignore you can be good friends.

I guess you are all rather young, and the concept of friendship will change eventually. This sounds more like an annoying clique mentality which isn’t great for anyone.

sporina

i really think you need to stop and take a look at yourself OP..

no offence, but you seem aggressive and quiet selfish (again no offence).. seeking revenge? what about your accountability?

take some time to think about your behaviour, get help if you need to...

you seem to be very worried about them calling the guards when what you should really be concerned about is WHY they would feel a need to do so in the 1st place = YOU are driving them to that OP... that is behaviour you need to identify and work on..

If you don't sort out the behaviour now and the underlying issues, then this will probably happen to you again.. or worse - get you into real trouble..

Let your friends go.. time to look into yourself I think

Totes

Hi Op
They sound painful, it’s tough to accept that ppl are just awful sometimes and it may have very little to do with you. Like others I strongly recommend shake the dust off your feet and move on, focus on more positive relationships in your life.

leggo

Agree with everything that’s been said already. Just to add OP...are you sure you want to know? I had a think about friendships I’ve cut off before and I really didn’t think anything good would come of telling people why.

For example, there was one friend who I lost all respect for because their personality would completely change based off meeting someone new and they became a bit of a snake telling lies constantly. Another one was concerning levels of creepy where once I assumed they were just nice and a bit meek. There was one I’m pretty sure was a full blown psychopath. Etc etc.

Do you really want to hear this kind of feedback about yourself? Because if they’ve gone to such efforts to cut you out of their lives, they have it. My last courtesy towards these friends was to not tell them and hurt them because maybe my impression was wrong and at least this way they could just tell themselves that I was a dick, or whatever helped them.

Maybe you have done nothing wrong, you’ve been harshly judged and a friendship with these people just wasn’t a good fit but you’ll go find people who are more on your wavelength. But what good is going to come from this now? Best case scenario what happens? They all collectively go “well she stalked us across multiple apps but that last piece of her mind was fantastically delivered, let’s be friends again!” Or what? You hurt them so much with your piece of your mind that they kill themselves? They give you feedback, you correct it and just pretend all of this never happened? What exactly are you hoping for here and are any of these scenarios realistic or ultimately what you want from life?

Buddy Bubs

Are you teenage girls or young women? I saw this before in 2 groups, one was my sisters group of friends in teenage years, just decided one of them was out of the group and they removed her because they didn't like her.
Other was bunch of 4 friends in college, we were friends with them and all of a sudden the 4 became 3 and a line 'oh yeah, you won't be seeing much of her anymore.
No idea of back stories, didn't care really, but has been known to happen alright.
I wouldn't go chasing them, and certainly not in the manner you have been.

bitofabind

Your problem is you need validation from them, you need them to tell you what you did "wrong". Perfectly natural reaction when you lose people like this, especially when you're cut off and ghosted as that stuff is crazy making.

But you're doing yourself a complete disservice by continuing to hold them in any regard and continuing to let them control you like this. You're firefighting your way to try to get answers you'll never get without seeing the bigger picture. They're not friends and they don't care about you. The more you react to them, the less they care. You're a nuisance now, a pest who won't go away. This is what you're reducing yourself to.

Stop reacting and start putting yourself first. People will come and go in life, but your job is to 1. surround yourself with people who care about you as much as is humanly possible and 2. not rely on others for validation because this is no way to live. You have no choice here but to process the pain of this and move on. "The best revenge is a life well lived". Self-soothe and don't try to control the uncontrollable. They don't want you. Their reasons are irrelevant. Onwards now to people that respect you and your time.

Xterminator

Op your actions are unreasonable, and harassing. Any trouble you get into is entirely your fault. They didnt make you cyberstalk and harass them. Nor did they make you get so blind drunk you cannot remember your actions and words that night!

You must at least suspect your own drunken actions could have caused this rift?

They don't owe you an explanation or closure etc. That can be hard to accept. If i lost a series of friendships in that ay i would have questions too. It is your reaction that is unreasonable.

To contrast what you have done, I would have written a letter to my friends separately, expressing my sadness at the loss of friendship, and my lack of understanding at the reasons why i have been cut off. I would ask for an explanation of why i am cut off, so i may understand that better.

At no stage in that initial letter would i have 'given them a piece of my mind'. Thats just aggressive and as you have found out, counter productive. In fact i would have been apologetic in tone - as least until i was happy my actions were not unreasonable.

ManOfMystery

I'm in no way victim blaming here OP, but trying to keep an open mind and gleam what I can from your posts.

Your reaction to their decision to cut contact with you has been way over the top. You repeatedly went through various social media avenues, insist you need to give them a piece of your mind, and are now at the stage where they are even considering speaking to authorities about you harassing them. Yet you still don't acknowledge this and try to distinguish your behaviour from their definition of harassment as if you aren't doing anything wrong. What is harassment, if not repeated attempts to communicate/interact with people who clearly don't want to communicate with you?

As you're choosing to see things only from your own perspective with regards to this situation, I wonder if the same is true with regards to whatever situation first led to them wanting to distance themselves from you. Have you considered not just your words that night but anything that went on in the weeks before, be it your words or behaviour? There are exceptions of course, but people generally don't drop friends - particuarly as a group - unless their behaviour has been totally out of line.

I am unfortunately in a group who dropped a friend, but it was only after 18 months of totally toxic behaviour on their part which they seemed to be totally blind to, and always in denial when we brought it up with them.

sporina

bitofabind wrote: »

Your problem is you need validation from them, you need them to tell you what you did "wrong". Perfectly natural reaction when you lose people like this, especially when you're cut off and ghosted as that stuff is crazy making.

But you're doing yourself a complete disservice by continuing to hold them in any regard and continuing to let them control you like this. You're firefighting your way to try to get answers you'll never get without seeing the bigger picture. They're not friends and they don't care about you. The more you react to them, the less they care. You're a nuisance now, a pest who won't go away. This is what you're reducing yourself to.

Stop reacting and start putting yourself first. People will come and go in life, but your job is to 1. surround yourself with people who care about you as much as is humanly possible and 2. not rely on others for validation because this is no way to live. You have no choice here but to process the pain of this and move on. "The best revenge is a life well lived". Self-soothe and don't try to control the uncontrollable. They don't want you. Their reasons are irrelevant. Onwards now to people that respect you and your time.

I don't mean to contradict you but I don't think the OP's priority is to get an explanation - its to "give them a piece of her mind"..

bitofabind

sporina wrote: »

I don't mean to contradict you but I don't think the OP's priority is to get an explanation - its to "give them a piece of her mind"..

The OP said this:

Medan wrote: »

All I want for them is to have some respect for me and tell me why they don't want to be my friend again. They won't tell me and they won't engage with me.

All I want them to do is tell me what I did wrong.

So it looks like the "why" is what's driving the OP's aggression. Maybe this aggressive behaviour is at the heart of it, who knows.

sporina

bitofabind wrote: »

The OP said this:



So it looks like the "why" is what's driving the OP's aggression. Maybe this aggressive behaviour is at the heart of it, who knows.

it might have started out that way.. but then..

"so I decided to find them and push a piece of my mind onto them. They are now claiming I am harassing them and that they are going to the Gardai. I am not harassing them. All I'm doing is giving them a piece of my mind. That's all I'm doing" (i copied and pasted that from her post)..

she seems to feel justified in her actions.. and now is only worried that they will pursue the cops... and sure look at the title of the thread "how likely will they do it"..

no accountability - not even close to that i'd say...

I feel sorry for the OP - I don't mean to offend her.. I would just like if she could gain something constructive from it.

Penn

Medan wrote: »

I lost all my friends last year. We were all out on a night out on the town. We all had some drinks but I wouldn't say we were drunk. I don't know what I said that night but my friends all ganged up and stopped talking to me. They won't tell me why they stopped talking to me. It hurts so much to lose all my friends and be ignored. I feel so lonely without my friends.

I decided to give them all a piece of my mind. When they blocked me on WhatsApp, I went to messagner, when they blocked me there, I found them on tinder. All I want for them is to have some respect for me and tell me why they don't want to be my friend again. They won't tell me and they won't engage with me. They asked me to stop contacting them but I decided they don't have respect for me, why should I have respect for them, so I decided to find them and push a piece of my mind onto them. They are now claiming I am harassing them and that they are going to the Gardai. I am not harassing them. All I'm doing is giving them a piece of my mind. That's all I'm doing. I can't believe they would get me into trouble like this. Should I be worried that they said they are going to the Gardai or are they bluffing? All I want them to do is tell me what I did wrong. I can't seem to stop lashing out and showing them the pain I am in from the loss of my friendships.

You say you had some drinks but weren't drunk. Yet you said or did something that was obviously so egregious that your entire group of friends ganged up on you and will no longer speak to you. But you don't remember what you said.

Sorry, but there's more going on here than just that. Either you were drunk and said something so bad that your friends can't even say "Well, they were drunk when they said it", or there's been underlying issues going on that you may have been blind to and this was the final straw.

You then chased them down on WhatsApp, messenger, and tinder? Tinder?! Yes, that is harassing them. You are harassing them. Because you want to give them a piece of your mind? They've clearly shown that this issue is one they're neither willing to nor want to fix.

Take a breather for a week or two. Don't try to contact them. Let the dust start to settle. After that, at most maybe if you have a mutual friend you trust, try and see if they can find out what happened that night and what you did. But you need to start to accept that you likely did something pretty bad, and you need to start looking at ways you might be able to make amends.

Wesser

Op you are harassing them .... if you are following them from app to app ......

You dont seem to have insight into this.

I would therefore conclude that you do also not have adeqaute insight into the reason why they deserted you. They probably told you or gave you early feedback which you ignored or did not take on board.

You seem to be a very angry person and that in itself may be reason enough for friends to desert you.

By ' giving them a piece of your mind ' i assume you were very angry with them... why would they still want to hang out with you if you were very angry with them?
Suggest you let them go and organise some psychotherapy for yourself

Teyla Emmagan

I don't blame them for avoiding you, I would be avoiding you too. I don't know what the initial incident was, but based on your behaviour since I would consider you a lunatic and want nothing to do with you. What are you doing stalking them on social media so you can attack them? Those are the actions of someone with a massive chip on their shoulder. Friendships end. They don't owe you an explanation (not that you would accept it anyway). Leave them alone and stop reinforcing their reasons for ghosting you. I can see you are hurt but learn from this and move on. No one want aggressive, confrontational people their lives.

Neyite

Over the years I've seen a few friendship groups where one person was ousted. And generally there's no one singular thing that caused it. It's often a combination of any of the following:
a) the person was never really part of the friend group but just someone who latched onto them.

b) the person has form for causing drama on nights out - sometimes by ruining the night getting paralytic or starting a fight with some random person.
c) thinking they are straight talking but are actually quite nasty and bitchy.
d) holding some very offensive views.
e) They dominate every night out - dictating where to go for example.
f) they are overly flirty with a friends partner.
g) they've broken confidences shared within the group.

Not saying you did any of those things, but it's what I've seen cause people to get dropped. More than likely whatever you did wasn't *the* thing that got you ousted. It was more than likely the last straw. A friendship isn't a contractual agreement so they don't have to tell you why they cut you out. But every time you track them down to give them 'a piece of your mind' you are probably only reinforcing their decision for them.

sporina

i don't think we will hear back from the OP - but I really hope that she has taken some of the comments here on board... for her own good..

khaldrogo

You have no right to be liked by them....... Move on

Daisy78

You seem to placing a lot of emphasis on what you might have said or done on this night out but really they could have made their minds up at that stage to cut you off. You said yourself that you weren’t blind drunk so you should have some recollection of your actions that night.

I think some of the posters here are being a little harsh on you. Yes your intent on pursuing them for an answer by any means comes across as a bit intense and certainly not the most graceful way to react to the situation but they are the actions of someone who is hurt, lonely and completely blindsided by the decision of people they considered to be close friends. When you are cut off without explanation it leads to increased frustration and yes desperation to find out what it was you did or didn’t do, so you can fix it and get back to where you were. But maybe it can’t be fixed. This happened to me, a long time ago, I won’t go into the details but almost overnight and without any explanation I found myself “excommunicated” from a group of people I had come to count as good friends. For a very long time afterwards I tried to rationalise it in my head and figure out the turning point, at what stage had I don’t something so unforgivable that it had led to me being shut out. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t anything in particular, they had just decided that they didn’t want to continue with the friendship. I never got an explanation as to why it happened, one or two polite text messages, an email and then nothing. After that I decided there was no benefit in me contacting them, I wasn’t going to get my answer, the friendship was un salvageable and I’d lose more than a bit of dignity in the process.

The dynamics of female friendship can be a complex thing and there tends to an element of herd mentality about it, one person expresses a negative opinion about person X, the rest weigh in and before you know it that person is yesterday’s news. I’m going to assume the “piece of my mind” business is out of character but perhaps a bit of self reflection here might be no harm? Can you honestly say that you acted with the best of intentions at all times and didn’t do anything that would have caused your friends to take a step back? If the answer is a yes and no then all you can do is treat this as a life lesson. You will learn and move on from this. Take comfort where you can for the time being and when life resumes to some form of normality make a resolution to go out and meet new people. It takes time to find your tribe but you will. These people weren’t a good fit for you in the end.

Xterminator

Daisy78 wrote: »

I think some of the posters here are being a little harsh on you. Yes your intent on pursuing them for an answer by any means comes across as a bit intense and certainly not the most graceful way to react to the situation but they are the actions of someone who is hurt, lonely and completely blindsided by the decision of people they considered to be close friends.

.

you lost me when you minimised the harassing and possibly criminal actions of the OP as 'not graceful and intense, then said BUT. There is no but!

You don't get to harass people across multiple mediums to give them a piece of your mind. OP was justifying and minimising these actions in her mind. Now you have too.

I sympathise with OPs dilemma, i just think they also need to accept responsibility for their action.

Xterminator

Section 10 of the Non-Fatal Offences Against the State Act 1997

It specifically states that persistent harassment is a crime. As much as someone engaging in that kind of behaviour in person, repeated posts on platforms such as Twitter and Facebook can be treated in exactly the same way.

Ifa person is found guilty in the District Court they are looking at up to 12 months in jail. Things get more serious in the Circuit Court where, if convicted by a jury, the person could get anything up to seven years.

source: https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/i-m-feeling-harassed-online-what-can-i-do-1.4084365

Daisy78

Xterminator wrote: »

you lost me when you minimised the harassing and possibly criminal actions of the OP as 'not graceful and intense, then said BUT. There is no but!

You don't get to harass people across multiple mediums to give them a piece of your mind. OP was justifying and minimising these actions in her mind. Now you have too.

I sympathise with OPs dilemma, i just think they also need to accept responsibility for their action.

I lost you? I didn’t address my post to you so not sure why you are attacking my response. I frankly couldn’t care less what you think. People post here with well intentioned advice which is what I did, not sure why you have posted such a mean spirited response to what my opinion is?!

To clarify what the poster did was aggressive, crossed a line and yes probably criminal. I’m not in the least bit endorsing what she did. But (and I understand you hate that word) I do understand what may have given rise to her actions. Not justifying, just trying to understand where it’s coming from. So she needs to stop that, not just because it amounts to harassment but also because it does her no favours and won’t get her the answers she is looking for. That clear it up for you?