His attitude to alcohol

LegacyUser

I’ll keep this as brief as possible. I’m 30 and I’ve been going out with an amazing guy since last summer. We have a great relationship and both see it going places.

When there wasn’t much restrictions we obviously had more options on what we do when we meet up. I moved into my own place in December and he comes over a couple of times a week. On Saturday nights he has a few drinks and most of the time I would join him, apart from once or twice I just didn’t feel like it.

One night over Christmas we both got kind of drunk, I hadn’t drank to any great extent in months and we were just quite merry having a laugh. We were chatting away being “lovey dovey” and next thing out of absolutely nowhere he came out and said “I’m an alcoholic”. The look on his face was serious and I was shocked and said “what?”. He said it again and he said he was only messing. We went to bed and all was fine. I brought it up jokingly the next day and he laughed it off.

Since I’ve known him I’ve known he enjoys a few drinks. He lives with his parents and doesn’t drink at home. I suppose with lockdown we’ve only been in a social situation drinking once and with the time limit in bars we never stayed very long.

I can’t seem to get his comment that night out of my head. We just drink on Saturday nights. I might have three drinks and he might have 7 or 8 and be totally fine. Last weekend he wanted to bring a drink up to bed and I sort of laughed at the thought.

I love him and we have a great relationship but I wonder am I just being paranoid or if I should talk to him and how? Being honest, if he never told me he was an alcoholic with a serious face on him over Christmas, I probably wouldn’t mind the drinking every Saturday night. I feel now I’m almost on edge and worried that he does have some drink problem. I don’t know what to think. If anyone has advice it would be great. I don’t even know where to start in talking to him if there is an issue. Should I bring up what he said over Christmas and that it just worried me or is there even a problem here?

Locker10a

It's very hard to know, I know some people who say the daftest things when drunk! It could have been a very poor attempt at a joke while drunk. It could have some truth!
If he's living at home and doesn't drink while there then I'd say he's not an alcoholic. If you're addicted frequently having drinks is the give away. Maybe he's just a bit of a binge drinker, gets carried away...like a lot of people tbh.
If there's one piece of advice I could give, and it applies to anything really, trends are what will tell you what you need to know about a person not so much what they actually say. I’d just give it time and observe

Oink

The way he brought it up worries me.
You don’t say “I’m an alcoholic”, twice, with a serious face on, to someone you’ve only been with for a year, if it’s not true. That’s not how it works.

I know you haven’t seen him behave like one, but it could just mean “I’m an alcoholic who’s been able to keep it together for the last while”.

You cannot have a doubt in your mind about stuff like that at the beginning of a relationship.

EDIT: and if he’s not he needs a kick in the backside for saying something so stupid and not realising what it means for his partner.

gebbel

If you want a happy future with this man then you absolutely need to discuss this and tease it out further. I see a potential red flag here. You have to be on a heightened sense of alert until you get more information. Yes he enjoys a few drinks and that’s completely fine, but the 7 or 8 you mentioned he can have in your company....that’s obviously quite a bit above what you would consider normal or safe.

How often does this drink this quantity? Do you sense he could be hiding some truths from you? I wouldn’t waste any time sitting down with him without any alcohol and having a very serious conversation about it. Because I know so many people who wish they had back before things got serious in their relationships. So my advice is ask the hard questions now. You can’t let your feelings for this man cloud your decision making in what’s best for you.

Fall_Guy

I'd definitely talk about it more with him, in the context of trying to get to know him better and understand his thinking.

It could be that he's quite a self-reflective person and he's merely more aware of the unhealthy relationship that a huge number of Irish people have with alcohol (myself included). What it means to be an alcoholic to one person may not fit the description for another person.

But until you discuss it with him more openly and honestly you won't know to what extent drink is negatively effecting his life, and I suppose more to the point for your own well-being, to what extent it could stop you from having a healthy relationship with him going forward.

It's not exactly an easy conversation to have though, and I suppose a lot depends on how secure you both feel in the relationship. Do you think he would feel judged or shamed by you bringing it up with him? If you think you could walk the tightrope of discussing it in an open and non-judgemental way (not even from a place of concern, but more from wanting to know him better, understand how he thinks about things etc) I think it could be great to help put your mind at ease and also help him be more comfortable with being more conscious of the parts of his relationship with alcohol that he is obviously concerned about himself. It's easier said than done though!

Good luck

listermint

In the context of the discussion or actions you were having perhaps he was avoiding the lovey Dovey by breaking the moment with nonsense. That being the first thing that came into his head, without knowing the moment he introduced it, it's hard to tell

Leroy42

One question I would raise is you say he doesn't drink at home, but how do you know?

It would seem odd that a 30 yo man never drinks at home, just because of his parents.

If, big if I'm not saying it is, he does have an issue then he would be finding some way to drink.

On the other hand, I agree with the early post that he may be a binge drinker and thinks that makes him an alcoholic. He can go without alcohol for months at a time, but once he starts to drink he finds it almost impossible to stop that session.

Lots of people are like that. I'm not sure if that qualifies as being alcoholic, it certainly isn't the traditional view of all one, but it might be something playing on his mind.

Has he ever been at yours and not been drinking? You said you sometimes don't bother, what about him?

I 100% agree with other posters that this is something you guys need to talk about. Regardless of whether he was joking or not (I don't think he was) it has made you worry and so he should want to allay your concerns.

If he refuses to talk about it he is ignoring your feelings, which is not a good pointer to a future together.

Augme

Strange one alright. It possible that he might not be a chronic alcoholic he night feel addicted to alcohol at certain times. For example maybe he feels he would not be able to give up his 7 or 8 cans every Saturday and maybe then he feels that make him an alcoholic.

Aa above though, there is no way I'd take him at face value about not drinking at home.

babynice

I am 27. Yesterday I threw my (ex) boyfriend out of my house due to his drinking habits. I was with him for over 3 years and lived with him for two months. As long as I’ve known him he had an unhealthy relationship with drink. He wouldn’t drink everyday but when he did he drank too much. Enough for him to become aggressive and enough for him to pass out. The next day he would say he wasn’t as alcoholic. He just enjoyed a drink, as he put it.

For almost 3 years I have lived on edge because of his drinking. He didn’t show it at the start. We would have a laugh on a night out, but as time went on it became very dark. It was only bearable because he wasn’t doing it all the time. When he didn’t drink he was the sweetest, funniest guy. When he drank he became unpredictable. He could either have a 2/3 drinks and relax or have twice/three times that and become another person entirely.

You might say to me why did you put up with that for all those years. It was because I loved him, and because he wasn’t drinking all the time he convinced me I was overreacting. Sometimes he would change his mind and he often said he wanted to stop drinking, he went to AA, but nothing stuck. By then I was so far into it, it became normal.

You need to have it out with him. No matter what he says keep an eye on it and come to your own conclusion. It is an awful strain to be in a relationship with person who is a problem drinker. Now maybe your boyfriend isn’t as bad as mine, but be very careful. You cannot say for sure he doesn’t drink at home. I only saw the extent and consequences of my ex’s drinking when I lived with him.

leggo

“People tell us who they are all the time, but we don’t listen, because we want them to be what we want them to be.”

Here’s the thing when it comes to alcoholism: if you were to do a truthful audit of Irish people’s drinking habits, I’d say a LOT of people would fall down on this one. It’s something we don’t speak of much in Ireland because I think our default relationship with alcohol (the glass - but really a bottle - of wine every night in front of the telly, the rake of pints every Saturday followed by a Sunday wasted dying of a hangover) trends towards alcoholism. Most people who do this would consider themselves normal...because it is normal here even if it’s a heavy dependence. So if someone comes out with this in a serious context I’d feel the same as you do OP because it’s a big warning sign. How do you know he doesn’t drink at home, for example? Because he told you? Addicts lie all the time.

I’d be pushing this if I were you. He’s said it now, he’s set an expectation and I wouldn’t be letting it go until you’re satisfied he’s not or fronts up with this truth. If he chooses not to give you an answer, accept that no answer is an answer. There are plenty of sound people out there who you’ll get on with and there are plenty of people dealing with lockdown single and happily, you don’t need the hassle of getting fully invested with a potential addict when you can nip it in the bud early.

Its something you can keep an eye on. It sounds like it's not an issue now. And he may well not he an alcoholic. However it is not something you say unless you are concerned about your drinking.

I'd wait to see if his drinking gets worse. It may not though.

Has he a family history of alcohol addiction?

bitofabind

"You said something a few weeks ago that has stuck in my head and I'm bringing it up again because I want to make sure I completely understand where it came from".

Say that and have the conversation. You might not get an honest answer from him, or maybe he's always been honest and it was an ill-advised joke, but once it's out in the open he now understands that this is a boundary for you. Throwing flippant comments about serious issues about won't sway, and neither will not discussing serious matters in a frank and honest way.

My ex had a drinking problem so someone habitually knocking back 7/8 drinks of a Saturday night is a dealbreaker for me. Can he let a Saturday night pass without drinking? Can he have a drink or two and call it a night? The spectrum for lying and gaslighting is so broad for alcoholics and it's such a slippery slope from "having the craic" to complete darkness and destruction that even someone habitually drinking more than the recommended weekly units is just a complete No No for me.

tara73

woa, this is alarm bells. I actually felt quite shocked when I read it him saying this in a serious tone and even repeating it in a serious tone. And that from one second to another when being in a merry mood as you said.

really shocking I think as I think he told you the truth. Not that he told you but the way he did it. From my point of view he couldn't hold it in anymore but regretted it immediately and declared it as a joke. sorry, but what a stupid and immature wy of dealing with it.

The relationship is very new, he's happy, mentally in a good state so showing his best side and probably can hold back his amount of drinking.
As said, you don't know what he's doing (drinking) at home when you're not around.

I would be very wary, it would have actually broke my trust a lot and that's what it did with you too, otherwise you wouldn't post here.

Have a very serious talk with him, let him know you would like to know the truth about this statement. And if he's not honest with you, let him know it will come out sooner or later. The relationship is still kind of in the honeymoon phase, but this phase ends and if there will come up some stress or some arguments as they come up in every relationship, he most probably will show his true colours.

leggo

Thinking about it more, even the “I don’t drink at home” line is a weird thing to say. Like alcohol doesn’t pass his lips once when he’s under the roof of his parents? Why? There’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner or a can after a mental day here and there. I don’t drink that much in general, much less at home, but if I decided to have one I wouldn’t even think twice of or remember it because alcohol isn’t a focus for me. Normal people don’t need to make points or bold proclamations about alcohol at all because they don’t need to ‘prove’ they don’t have a problem.

Alcoholics tend to over-compensate in a way that only seems obvious after the fact. This seems like one of those lines.

tara73

leggo wrote: »

Thinking about it more, even the “I don’t drink at home” line is a weird thing to say. Like alcohol doesn’t pass his lips once when he’s under the roof of his parents? Why? There’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner or a can after a mental day here and there. I don’t drink that much in general, much less at home, but if I decided to have one I wouldn’t even think twice of or remember it because alcohol isn’t a focus for me. Normal people don’t need to make points or bold proclamations about alcohol at all because they don’t need to ‘prove’ they don’t have a problem.

very well analysed. respect.

Zebrag

aquickquery wrote: »

I’ll keep this as brief as possible. I’m 30 and I’ve been going out with an amazing guy since last summer. We have a great relationship and both see it going places.

When there wasn’t much restrictions we obviously had more options on what we do when we meet up. I moved into my own place in December and he comes over a couple of times a week. On Saturday nights he has a few drinks and most of the time I would join him, apart from once or twice I just didn’t feel like it.

One night over Christmas we both got kind of drunk, I hadn’t drank to any great extent in months and we were just quite merry having a laugh. We were chatting away being “lovey dovey” and next thing out of absolutely nowhere he came out and said “I’m an alcoholic”. The look on his face was serious and I was shocked and said “what?”. He said it again and he said he was only messing. We went to bed and all was fine. I brought it up jokingly the next day and he laughed it off.

Since I’ve known him I’ve known he enjoys a few drinks. He lives with his parents and doesn’t drink at home. I suppose with lockdown we’ve only been in a social situation drinking once and with the time limit in bars we never stayed very long.

I can’t seem to get his comment that night out of my head. We just drink on Saturday nights. I might have three drinks and he might have 7 or 8 and be totally fine. Last weekend he wanted to bring a drink up to bed and I sort of laughed at the thought.

I love him and we have a great relationship but I wonder am I just being paranoid or if I should talk to him and how? Being honest, if he never told me he was an alcoholic with a serious face on him over Christmas, I probably wouldn’t mind the drinking every Saturday night. I feel now I’m almost on edge and worried that he does have some drink problem. I don’t know what to think. If anyone has advice it would be great. I don’t even know where to start in talking to him if there is an issue. Should I bring up what he said over Christmas and that it just worried me or is there even a problem here?

I think you might be reading a little too much into this comment.
He might like a couple of drinks during the week. Like you said with lockdowns, there's not much to do and although you said he doesn't drink at home and might have a couple in your house, it might just be his way of destressing and relaxing and just overal gives him something to look forward too while spending time with you
I don't ignore the fact that he said this and I don't ignore the fact that some people may be reliant on alcohol, whether that's out of boredum or it could just be because honestly, there's not much else to do but from what you've portrayed, he sounds like a guy who uses alcohol as a means to just spend time with you once a week. That isn't at all that bad.
When we have a few drinks on us, we may say things that are out of the norm and we laugh it off. He could of be saying "jaysis I'm an alcoholic" because he had too many that specific time and it's feeling a bit funny over it and although not a comment to take light heartedly if he was an alcoholic and was reliant on alcoholic, OP I really wouldn't think too much off it and maybe suggest doing something else of a Saturday or whenever you spend time together

ILoveYourVibes

OP

Put away the term alcoholism.

Does his drinking bother YOU?

He doesn't have to be an alcoholic for his drinking to bother you or not be something you want to spend your life with etc.

It seems to me you are not comfortable with it. That is fine. It doesnt mean he is an alcoholic though. It just means his lifestyle is not compatible with being in a relationship with you.

So ...how you do feel about his drinking?

Big Bag of Chips

If this is something that is raising a flag for you now, then it's something to keep an eye on. We're living in strange times and "normal" isn't normal. So even your dating has been different to how it would otherwise have been. I often find people with an unhealthy relationship with drink tend to talk about drink! How they don't do it in certain places, or on certain days, or during certain months. People who don't have a problem with their drink tend not to feel the need to tell people about what/where they don't drink.

In my early 20s I started going out with a fella who 'liked a few drinks'. By my early 40s, married with children his drinking was a very real problem. To the point where I was attending Al-Anon.

Things are all askew at the moment. Life is weird! But, if something is niggling you I'd urge you not to ignore it. Don't decide anything definite at the moment, but know where your line is. I'm not a big drinker at all. I genuinely could take it or leave it. And if I had my time over again I'd be a good bit wiser...

skallywag

Good point made above about the term 'Alcoholic' itself, the word itself immediately conjures up a particular image and has the potential to freak people out.

If the chap has real alcohol dependence issues then he will very likely want to disguise/hide it in my own experience. If on the other hand he did feel comfortable enough with you to tell you, then I do not think that he would have stopped once he had come out with it, I think he would have continued and told more.

I also wonder if his exact meaning was not more 'I am drinking too much' rather than 'I am dependent on alcohol'. I would take a look at how he reacts if you suggest something non booze central for a Saturday night, tough at the moment though I know.