Addicted to self development

LegacyUser

Hi everyone!

i'm thinking I'm addicted to self help/personal development. I'm constantly working on myself, with therapy, holistic, coaching, relationship coaches, reading materials, TED talks etc.

I feel like I won't meet someone/change jobs/have a more fulfilled life until i work on x.

Its getting to the point where i am living in my head so much that i feel like I'm stuck in a loop and getting nowhere because I don't know how.

I feel like I am always just not good enough, but nearly there just there was someone better in all aspects of my life.

I really don't have a lot going for me except i quite know a lot about my self including strengths and toxic behaviours etc.

Can anyone advise?
Much appreciated!

New project for you: self acceptance. Just as you are. Good luck.

JeffKenna

No offense but it doesn't seem like your work on personal development is doing much good. It's easy to buy books or watch Ted talks without really challenging yourself. Dig a little deeper and challenge yourself with your therapist, why don't you feel good enough? That's the key to this all.

LilacNails

Sounds like you might be stuck in a comfortable/safe zone. Perhaps your taking all of it in, but not actually doing anything to change...avoiding.... You need to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

bertiebomber

you need someone or something else to focus on rather than yourself you are actually driving yourself mad with this over sold hype of self improvement which everyone is buying into big time. Stop smell the flowers look at nature and do something for someone else it will make you feel better about yourself much more than a library of self help books ! I do and its very good. Think about someone else even a stranger you'll be surprised the affect it has! Buy a cup of coffee for a homeless person and give it to them ask them how they are and absorb their often amazing positively. The material world has turn everyone in to a narcissist.

bitofabind

Sounds like you’ve drank the koolaid on toxic “wellness”, a catch-phrase that seems to have spurned an industry in recent years.

Perfectionism and the aesthetics of “living well” is what this empire is built on, fuelled by the not-enoughness that we are all prone to feeling at times. “If I can just do this personal development course I’ll be enough”, “if I can just do this laundry list of perfect things every morning I’ll be enough”. I liken it to the diet industry - you can never be slim/fit/toned/whatever enough. The game is rigged.

A few things I’d suggest. Delete all social media. This place is a wellness dumpster fire, especially Instagram. Get rid of it. If you’re not seeing it, you’re not being sold on it. Spend less time on the internet. Quit all the personal development courses and coaches. If you want to continue with anything, let it be a reputable therapist who can help you with accepting yourself and your life right NOW. And do one small thing to get out of your head every day. Too much time lying idle on our own and we’re our own worst enemy. Get out of your head in those moments. I walk a lot by the sea, listen to a playlist or bake some bread or a new recipe in those moments. I find it brings me out of that rumination and level sets me.

ILoveYourVibes

selfdev wrote: »

I really don't have a lot going for me except i quite know a lot about my self including strengths and toxic behaviours etc.

Doesn't sound like it is producing results.

OP you realize even if you were the most perfect person on earth ..X Y Z would not happen...for you or to you.

What you get for working on something or a part of yourself ...is THAT thing ...so you have to REALLY want and be all about that thing.


Do you want the results ...or the promises of this will improve other parts of your life ...cuz a does not equal b

You go to a 'guru ' talk .(not mentioning names) ..all you get is a guru talk ..its not going to change your life. Certainly not magically ...its just taking up time IN your life.

So if you really value these gurus ...that is great give it your time. But if you really want other results promised but not given ....walk its a scam that serves them.

I notice a lot of self development ....doesn't really develop the self really ...people don't learn new skills like an IT skill or get a qualification ..or get really fit in the gym ...

Its like soft hokey skills ..im not sure they are meaningful except for being interesting for 5 mins

pwurple

You're not the only one OP. That whole industry has spawned off some aspect of insecurity, and almost everyone has insecurities. Even at work it's now almost de facto. People are encouraged to build their "brand" , understand themselves etc. I don't know how many personality tests of various flavours I've been sent on over the last 20 years as part of wide personal development programs in corporates... all telling me the same thing, because they are a mirror, they only tell me back what I already think of myself. Zero surprises.

Once you realise they are all selling you something (their consultancy time or product / program of some kind!), it might be easier to drop, but maybe not. Dropping shopping in Sales, dropping gambling, dropping spending on games... whatever people's poison is, these days, all your internet ads are then targetted at that , so it's hard to avoid.

The 10 best habits of successful people? Never reading an article with that kind of title is number 1!

The chan chan man

You’re not alone. No one ever feels good enough. I was reading the other day about Bruce Springsteen and guys from guns n roses sh1tting themselves every night before they go on stage. Everybody goes through it. You can always keep up some form of development, but don’t let it run your life.

wylo

This work sounds like it wasn’t a waste of time considering you feel you know a lot about yourself.

Most don’t, however it sounds like you are realising it has nothing left to offer you because the big joke of the whole story of self esteem is that you only actually learn to chill out and enjoy life when you stop trying to make tweaks to yourself.

If you’re gonna keep reading and watching things start reading about surrender and acceptance.

Don’t rule out a therapist either. They may be able to guide you through what’s really going on. Edit: sorry just reread and I see you’ve been down that route.

Sounds like this self development has just turned into a coping mechanism, ie a temporary escape.

The biggest insight you probably need to attain is everyone is kinda “broken” or imperfect and not good enough so to speak. It’s part of being a living being.

But it sounds like you might be realising all this yourself anyway.

As an excercise start trying to explore internally what it actually feels like to be not good enough. Does it bring mild physical pain when you have a desire to fix or improve something. You’ll never be good enough, like the rest of us, but that desire won’t ever go away either, that’s fine too, you’ll find peace when you learn to see the funny side of all that.

8kczg9v0swrydm

selfdev wrote: »

Hi everyone!

i'm thinking I'm addicted to self help/personal development. I'm constantly working on myself, with therapy, holistic, coaching, relationship coaches, reading materials, TED talks etc.

I feel like I won't meet someone/change jobs/have a more fulfilled life until i work on x.

Its getting to the point where i am living in my head so much that i feel like I'm stuck in a loop and getting nowhere because I don't know how.

I feel like I am always just not good enough, but nearly there just there was someone better in all aspects of my life.

I really don't have a lot going for me except i quite know a lot about my self including strengths and toxic behaviours etc.

Can anyone advise?
Much appreciated!

Hi OP,

At least you try to work on yourself. I wish I was a bit like that sometimes

But in all seriousness, if you keep racing along you will miss all the beauty life has to offer. Also, you will wear yourself out, mentally and nervously, which will hardly be conductive to any sort of happiness.

I remember Aristotle saying that the point of life is.... contemplation. Not doing, working, improving etc but simply thinking about the good, the beautiful and the true. You don't have to agree with this, but it shows the difference between the ancient, Classical mentality of seeking happiness in a relaxed, pleasurable way and the modern drive to always do, improve, faster, more...

If I could recommend you a book - Leisure: The Basis of Culture by Josef Pieper is a great read.

Try doing something just because it is good/deserves to be enjoyed. Listen to some music, go for walks, think about life's big questions.

piwyudo0fhn57b

Self-acceptance, really understanding you are human just as we all are. It's all just a journey, our own unique journeys which is a self-development in itself.

Hello, I know this thread is months old said I'd share something.

I feel that the self help world has become a huge industry, even all the Irish influencers are hopping on the bandwagon giving their two cents on pop psychology and the buzz word of the day, self care.

I used to listen to YouTube video upon YouTube video of the likes of Oprah giving her inspirational words and have bought many books. I studied psychology and have a huge interest in general in this area.

I have learned that in the influencer world, its like a pyramid scheme where each influencer helps another and there is one on the top as such.

In the pop psychology self help books they get you hooked by promises, it's like a panacea read this book and it will change your life etc. However, we live in a society and those books don't put into account how various people have hurdles, being working class, being the other in some way. There is a book by Marie Forleo called Everything is Figuroutable, and that places everything on the individuals shoulder you can figure everything out and if you don't, then how will you feel?

I would suggest reading a book like McMindfulness that is critical of the mindfulness movement or The Happiness Industry: How the Government and Big Business Sold us Wellbeing by William Davies.

I found in the past when I listened to the same teachers over and over such as Gabor Mate or Thomas Moore it nearly became like I was soothed by the familarness of their voice.

Also, it can be bad for your wellbeing reading too much from the same genre / writer over and over, you can get obsessed by their ideas, and you need a diversity of views to be critical.

Too much analysis is paralysis. Change it up, have some comedy, documentaries etc.

Also, Capitalism ruins everything as even working through trauma has become an industry, trauma informed yoga, trauma informed everything - if you've experienced trauma you can become swept up on that too.

For me in the past all the self help was a form of escapism and in a counselling course many people had a sense of superiority as they were 'working on themselves'. The course that I studied called relationship mentoring to me was cult like, those studying the course looked to the teacher to help them live their life and everyone distanced themselves from their family and only saw the negative from their childhoods. There is a YouTube teacher called Teal Swan who teaches dangerous self help information, so I've learned to always be critical as someone else would be happy to profit from my suffering.

You are good enough and figuring everything out as you go like everyone else.

Senior

I used to read a lot of these books when I was younger. They are not all bad. But the key is to try and implement what you are learning.

It is easy to read a statement like 'get out of your comfort zone'. It is a lot harder to realise what that means in your day to day life and then try and do it.

Hannibal_Smith

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Thread closed.

HS