Question for Bi folks

Steve012

My mate met a woman, getting on great all is well. She told him she had 6 or 7 sexual female partners last one bout 9 years ago. She's 40 now.

She said she ain't bi ?!? That doesnt make sense to my mate or me tbh. If I (im straight) had anal with 6 or 7 guys .... Surely I would be considered as bi at least.

I know the old story yeah to be bi means you can fall in love with both sexes.

Once or twice "experimenting" yeah, 5 , 6 , 7 , times full on s*x?
Is that still experimenting?

Locker10a

Yeah she’s probably bi but is obviously happy dating your mate and is attracted to him, otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it.
I’d judge her now on her actions not what she says or what she’s done in the past. If the relationship is going well and she’s actively engaging in progressing the relationship then that’s what you should take at face value make a judgement call on

eviltwin

Steve012 wrote: »

My mate met a woman, getting on great all is well. She told him she had 6 or 7 sexual female partners last one bout 9 years ago. She's 40 now.

She said she ain't bi ?!? That doesnt make sense to my mate or me tbh. If I (im straight) had anal with 6 or 7 guys .... Surely I would be considered as bi at least.

I know the old story yeah to be bi means you can fall in love with both sexes.

Once or twice "experimenting" yeah, 5 , 6 , 7 , times full on s*x?
Is that still experimenting?

Maybe she’s pan? I would have had physical relationships with girls when I was younger but I’m now in a long term relationship with a man. I don’t consider myself bisexual either. People get too hung up on labels. He just enjoy it for what it is and not worry about her past.

IAMAMORON

She probably is not comfortable with the label.

It would indicate to me that she is sincere about developing a monogamy with your friend.

Bisexuals' can often be unfairly scrutinised by other homosexuals who prefer one sex or the other. The reality is that most Bisexuals will adapt to whatever sex they are attracted to or in love with at that time.

partyguinness

My wife had a few same sex 'close' female friends years before I met her with physical dimenisions. She is not bi (I wish) but I suppose like a lot of women she could be turned on a beautiful women.

I have spent the past 13 years despartely trying to get her to rekindle her love for women but have failed miserably.

Annasopra

I personally dont see the need to box people into labels. Labels dont work for everyone and not everyone fits neatly into a label.

IAMAMORON

partyguinness wrote: »

My wife had a few same sex 'close' female friends years before I met her with physical dimenisions. She is not bi (I wish) but I suppose like a lot of women she could be turned on a beautiful women.

I have spent the past 13 years despartely trying to get her to rekindle her love for women but have failed miserably.

When you say this , are you contemplating sharing any romance she had with another woman.... or... are you offering her the tolerance of seeking another private partner within your marriage?

Am I being clear?

partyguinness

IAMAMORON wrote: »

When you say this , are you contemplating sharing any romance she had with another woman.... or... are you offering her the tolerance of seeking another private partner within your marriage?

Am I being clear?

I just want a threesome.

IAMAMORON

partyguinness wrote: »

I just want a threesome.

Ok....

Steve012

Steve012 wrote: »

My mate met a woman, getting on great all is well. She told him she had 6 or 7 sexual female partners last one bout 9 years ago. She's 40 now.

She said she ain't bi ?!? That doesnt make sense to my mate or me tbh. If I (im straight) had anal with 6 or 7 guys .... Surely I would be considered as bi at least.

Labels trigger people badly at times - so it pays to be cautious on this one. It really depends on how you define sexuality as to what sexuality you define yourself by.

However generally sexuality and sexual orientation is not defined by the actions you have engaged in - but your "enduring" "pattern" of sexual interest. So for example you ask above if you would be considered "bi" if you engaged in anal with multiple guys. The answer is no. The activity you engage in does not define your orientation. And you can engage in anal sex with men while being straight. You could - for example - decide to become a male escort tomorrow catering to men - have sex with 200 men while doing so - and you would still be entirely straight.

Further - if you are attracted to the opposite sex almost entirely but you have found a small handful of exceptions to this - this would not automatically make you "bi" either. I am in an MFF relationship for 15 years now and the two women I am with are sexually active with each other. And although this triggered two people to go off on a total baseless and empty and really quite comically limp little rant at me in another thread some time ago - the fact is they both identify quite legitimately as being Straight Women. Despite the exception of their relationship with each other - they are validly straight.

So if your mate's partner identifies as straight then I would take that at face value if I were you - and activities she engaged in in her past do not automatically negate that identification.

Hapigui

Been bi is the worst for men. Women look at you with discust and would never go near you. And it's funny they love to have gay men as friends but there is safety there as a gay man will not be physically interested.
And gay men treat you with distain as though your stupid and trying to have the best of both worlds.
I believe bi will be more and more common in future as I believe we bi people are the ones who cary no sexual distinction. We see people first. They may be female male trans. It does not matter bi people are attracted first to the person. The sex of the person is not relavent. Its the persons character we fall for
And regards your friend, bi are like everyone else. If we are in relationship we don't cheat and some want open relationships which is fine but thinking cause someone is bi they need to get fix of other side is nonsense. I was in 10 year relationship and never cheated. A cheat is a cheat no mater the sexual orientation

Tig98

Hapigui wrote: »

Been bi is the worst for men. Women look at you with discust and would never go near you. And it's funny they love to have gay men as friends but there is safety there as a gay man will not be physically interested.
And gay men treat you with distain as though your stupid and trying to have the best of both worlds.
I believe bi will be more and more common in future as I believe we bi people are the ones who cary no sexual distinction. We see people first. They may be female male trans. It does not matter bi people are attracted first to the person. The sex of the person is not relavent. Its the persons character we fall for
And regards your friend, bi are like everyone else. If we are in relationship we don't cheat and some want open relationships which is fine but thinking cause someone is bi they need to get fix of other side is nonsense. I was in 10 year relationship and never cheated. A cheat is a cheat no mater the sexual orientation

The reason many gay men treat bi men with disinterest is because most of them aren't out. The majority of them expect allowances to be made for them because it would "ruin" their reputation and whatever if people found out they liked guys. That makes us, or at least me, feel like ****. Im not gonna waste time going on dates with a guy who is too afraid to tell people who he is attracted to. If you're going to make rash generalisations at least follow it up with how your personal experience of it.

I know the reason a lot of bi guys don't come out is for exactly the reason you have mentioned, about girls taking a strong dislike to it. Which is a real issue. That doesn't undermine though that gay men have their own life to be living and don't always want to be someone's secret.

Anyways OP, give the girl some slack. She's able to openly talk about it which shows she has nothing to hide, a lot of people experiment or try different things for different reasons.

Annasopra

Tig98 wrote: »

The reason many gay men treat bi men with disinterest is because most of them aren't out. The majority of them expect allowances to be made for them because it would "ruin" their reputation and whatever if people found out they liked guys. That makes us, or at least me, feel like ****. Im not gonna waste time going on dates with a guy who is too afraid to tell people who he is attracted to. If you're going to make rash generalisations at least follow it up with how your personal experience of it.

I know the reason a lot of bi guys don't come out is for exactly the reason you have mentioned, about girls taking a strong dislike to it. Which is a real issue. That doesn't undermine though that gay men have their own life to be living and don't always want to be someone's secret.

Anyways OP, give the girl some slack. She's able to openly talk about it which shows she has nothing to hide, a lot of people experiment or try different things for different reasons.

Really? Sounds like a lot of generalisations and stereotypes to me
- Gay men are disinterested in bi men
- Most Bi Men are not out
- Majority of Bi men expect allowances
- Bi men afraid to say who they are attracted to
- Straight women dont like bi guys

Tig98

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Really? Sounds like a lot of generalisations and stereotypes to me
- Gay men are disinterested in bi men
- Most Bi Men are not out
- Majority of Bi men expect allowances
- Bi men afraid to say who they are attracted to
- Straight women dont like bi guys

Of course it has generalisations and stereotypes, because they completely made up the post I was addressing. I even toned it down from "disdain" to "disinterest", and framed it as my experience.

So, is the other guy justified in what he is saying?

Hapigui

Tig98 wrote: »

The reason many gay men treat bi men with disinterest is because most of them aren't out. The majority of them expect allowances to be made for them because it would "ruin" their reputation and whatever if people found out they liked guys. That makes us, or at least me, feel like ****. Im not gonna waste time going on dates with a guy who is too afraid to tell people who he is attracted to. If you're going to make rash generalisations at least follow it up with how your personal experience of it.

I know the reason a lot of bi guys don't come out is for exactly the reason you have mentioned, about girls taking a strong dislike to it. Which is a real issue. That doesn't undermine though that gay men have their own life to be living and don't always want to be someone's secret.

Anyways OP, give the girl some slack. She's able to openly talk about it which shows she has nothing to hide, a lot of people experiment or try different things for different reasons.

You are 100% right and not having women treat me like **** is the reason I don't come out. But I admire guys who are out and always say to guys so many have suffered and fought for you have the right to walk in the open and hold your head high as a gay man. Dating me puts you back into shadows and no one should do that lightly.

It makes them want you way more. It's like women who love the bad boy and believe they will one to change him.
They think they will be one you'll want to come out for.
Anyway your also right about not generalising. But it happens a lot

Tig98

Hapigui wrote: »

You are 100% right and not having women treat me like **** is the reason I don't come out. But I admire guys who are out and always say to guys so many have suffered and fought for you have the right to walk in the open and hold your head high as a gay man. Dating me puts you back into shadows and no one should do that lightly.

It makes them want you way more. It's like women who love the bad boy and believe they will one to change him.
They think they will be one you'll want to come out for.
Anyway your also right about not generalising. But it happens a lot

Exactly, two sides to every coin, and neither side is easy. To be honest if I was bi I probably wouldn't come out, settling with a woman seems like a much more straightforward life with regard to family's expectations and kids etc.

IAMAMORON

I think bisexuality gets over chastised by more hardline one sex homosexuals. The reality is that everyone's sexual preference is their own business and is frankly private.

Many bisexuals do not want to be pigeon holed or judged, hence the preference to keep their sexual activity under wraps.

No one is required to walk down the street declaring their sex life, to anyone.

Privacy is a tact, it is not a conceit.

Goodshape

If we take "gay" and "straight" to mean attraction and sexual acts, then it might be an unpopular opinion but I think anyone who claims to be 100% "hardline" straight or gay isn't being 100% truthful. Maybe even to themselves.

There's just too much social stigma, particularly for guys, attached to admitting any form of same sex attraction. It's funny how straight guys (and everyone really) can look at women "experimenting in college" and sort of give it a pass, but men are some... other for of human? Untroubled by such deviations from the acceptable norm? Strong and stoic man never waivers!

Nonsense. We're all a little bisexual and it doesn't even matter. Some people are closer to the 50 / 50 and spend their lives dealing with that. But there's a whole range between that and the elusive 100%s on either side.

Goodshape

Hapigui wrote: »

You are 100% right and not having women treat me like **** is the reason I don't come out. But I admire guys who are out and always say to guys so many have suffered and fought for you have the right to walk in the open and hold your head high as a gay man. Dating me puts you back into shadows and no one should do that lightly.

It makes them want you way more. It's like women who love the bad boy and believe they will one to change him.
They think they will be one you'll want to come out for.
Anyway your also right about not generalising. But it happens a lot

Just be up front about it, at least.

A lot of gay men want the same life everyone else has – the one that you (potentially) have when you're not sneaking off into the shadows for your secret fun. Not complaining about you personally here, just making a point.

Trying to build that "normal" life as a gay man is difficult enough without being treated as a dirty little secret by your lover and potential partner.

NeuralNetwork

Tig98 wrote: »

The reason many gay men treat bi men with disinterest is because most of them aren't out. The majority of them expect allowances to be made for them because it would "ruin" their reputation and whatever if people found out they liked guys. That makes us, or at least me, feel like ****. Im not gonna waste time going on dates with a guy who is too afraid to tell people who he is attracted to. If you're going to make rash generalisations at least follow it up with how your personal experience of it.

I know the reason a lot of bi guys don't come out is for exactly the reason you have mentioned, about girls taking a strong dislike to it. Which is a real issue. That doesn't undermine though that gay men have their own life to be living and don't always want to be someone's secret.

Anyways OP, give the girl some slack. She's able to openly talk about it which shows she has nothing to hide, a lot of people experiment or try different things for different reasons.

Well those have been the sweeping statements and rash generalisations (to use your words) that have been the bane of my existence since my teens.

I'm bi and have never been in the closet in the first place. I was always just 'me' and I went out with guys and with women over the years and all of the people who I've been out with have been fine about it.

There was always a sense of being excluded by the straight community when I was in my teens and twenties.

You'd get slagged off and the odd bit of hassle and then on the other side of it I felt like I was being treated like some kind of interloper by some gay guys and often when I probably really needed the support of a community.

The result of it was I just always felt I was on my own about all of this and that's just how it is. I've never really had the luxury of a gay circle of friends and on the other side of it I find many straight guys keep a distance that they seem not to with other people.

I don't really like having to explain myself to people and so many times I have had to do that and basically justify my existence. So, I tend not to talk about being bi very much as I don't really feel that my being is something that should be a matter of someone else's judgemental political discussion any more than my eye colour.

I mean imagine someone turning around and saying you're somehow immoral for having hazel eyes or something like that and why can't your eyes just be brown or blue? Or, better yet, why don't I just put in some contact lenses to cover them up so that we aren't all confused by them. That's pretty much how life's been for me and it's all because of sweeping statements like the above.

Tig98

NeuralNetwork wrote: »

Well those have been the sweeping statements and rash generalisations (to use your words) that have been the bane of my existence since my teens.

I'm bi and have never been in the closet in the first place. I was always just 'me' and I went out with guys and with women over the years and all of the people who I've been out with have been fine about it.

There was always a sense of being excluded by the straight community when I was in my teens and twenties.

You'd get slagged off and the odd bit of hassle and then on the other side of it I felt like I was being treated like some kind of interloper by some gay guys and often when I probably really needed the support of a community.

The result of it was I just always felt I was on my own about all of this and that's just how it is. I've never really had the luxury of a gay circle of friends and on the other side of it I find many straight guys keep a distance that they seem not to with other people.

I don't really like having to explain myself to people and so many times I have had to do that and basically justify my existence. So, I tend not to talk about being bi very much as I don't really feel that my being is something that should be a matter of someone else's judgemental political discussion any more than my eye colour.

I mean imagine someone turning around and saying you're somehow immoral for having hazel eyes or something like that and why can't your eyes just be brown or blue? Or, better yet, why don't I just put in some contact lenses to cover them up so that we aren't all confused by them. That's pretty much how life's been for me and it's all because of sweeping statements like the above.

Thats fair, and I understand how ****ty it must be to be stuck between gay men and straight men for friendship, like being in no man's land. I know how it feels to be excluded or "othered" because of your sexuality and it's not a great feeling. Equally the gays can be pretty ****ty as an overall group and not that welcoming.

I hope that's not the way Im coming across, Im not trying to stir the pot or ruffle feathers. I just got mad after reading that post and wanted to give the other side's story. I know how you feel about having to justify your existence, thats how I feel when a guy I'm seeing puts up the straight front if we bump into his friends. It's not all bi guys, but its more likely to be a bi guy than a gay guy who doesn't come out. It just feels really ****ty and undermining to be good enough in every way except that youre a guy.

I dont care too much about labels, and as long as you're happy is all that matters. Some people officially come out, and others have a soft launch. The only thing I care about is that you own your sexuality and if you like guys then don't be afraid to own it, and that's not aimed at you, but in general.

As for the other guy who suggested we're all a little bi and people who identify as 100% straight / gay may be somewhat dishonest to themselves - plain no. People like what they like and it's as simple as that. We're lucky that society as a whole no longer views same sex attraction as a disorder and that being gay, bi, or straight is accepted at face value. Its wrong to project your attractions onto other people and effectively invalidate a part of their identity.

Goodshape

Tig98 wrote: »

Its wrong to project your attractions onto other people and effectively invalidate a part of their identity.

Firstly, you're absolutely right and it's not my place to say anyone should or shouldn't be attracted to anyone else. If it sounds like that's what I'm saying, then I'm either saying it poorly or I'm just wrong.

Tig98 wrote: »

As for the other guy who suggested we're all a little bi and people who identify as 100% straight / gay may be somewhat dishonest to themselves - plain no. People like what they like and it's as simple as that.

I almost exclusively mean the idea that a "straight man" would be incapable of seeing beauty in another male, or incapable of enjoying a sexual act with another male, or that any of that must mean they are Gay (or even bi) or anything other than just a human being. I think guys miss out on knowing that.


Although also to a lesser extent, and separately, I'm not sure that "people like what they like" is always as simple as that. What people like will be heavily influenced by what they're expected to like by their social peer group.

But I'm less sure on that second point, maybe it's just a fun idea, and at the end of the day it really doesn't matter how you arrived at your preferences – concious or unconcious, nature or nurture. They're yours and you're entitled to them.

NeuralNetwork

It's also unfair to assume that straight men are all somehow homophobic. Some of the people who've been my best advocates, allies and have been utterly open minded about absolutely everything have been straight men.

I've even had straight guys go into well meaning, endearing but annoying wing-man mode when they found out I was bi and were trying to set me up with other guys they thought were a good match.

The reality of it is that some people are narrow minded and it's because they're narrow minded, not because they're straight, bi or gay.

The problem I have is that there's a cultural thread of bi-erasure and bi-phobia of sorts. I mean even looking back on the kind of stuff said about bi people, I distinctly remember sitting watching Friends one night and Phoebe was singing this song "Some time men love women. Sometimes men love men. Then there bisexuels but I just think they're kidding themselves" cue: canned laugher and cut to next scene.

This kind of stuff is strewn everywhere. You're told you're 'greedy' and 'lucky you!' and all this kind of stuff by people who think it's great craic.

The worst I've had was friends of a female ex who, without any involvement from her, decided to give me a lecturing about how I had 'led her up the garden path' and 'I should be honest with myself.'

I'm not sure how much more 'honest with myself' I can be... I have never been anything else and my ex was 100% fine with me being bi. They were just being interfering bi-phobic busybodies getting involved in someone else's former relationship.

Also, it's pure nonsense that straight men or women can't appreciate or notice a good looking person of the same sex. It doesn't mean they're going to jump into bed with them. To me, that whole pretending that you don't notice someone's decent looking, charming or attractive in the platonic sense is just a whole load of insecurity. I mean, we all appreciate a decent looking actor or model or whatever. You see straight guys practically swooning over footballers, rugby players, male musicians and not in a sexual way. It's just appreciating someone's attributes in a non-sexy way.

If you took the notion that you couldn't appreciate someone of the same gender, we'd have way less art, performance, sports and all sorts of other aspects of life.

When you think about it, homophobia has done so much damage to people. I can only really speak from a male perspective, but I think it has driven a wedge of paranoia between men and probably removed a whole load of supports and emotional connections that would otherwise be pretty normal. I mean, I know a guy who gets freaked out about having lunch with another man (admittedly he's American) 'in case people might think something's going on'.

On the other side of it, I've had an Irish straight guy serve up dinner on the balcony overlooking a city without thinking anything other than - cool view, let's have dinner and beers.

The less homophobia and bi-phobia, the better life gets for everyone, particularly gay/bi people but more broadly it just solves a whole lot of crazy, oppressive b/s