Overcoming difficult parental situation

LegacyUser

I feel a bit stupid posting this but here goes.

I am a 26 y/o female. Basically, my parents have (unconfirmed) personal issues that impacted on my childhood. One was an alcoholic, the other tried to commit suicide twice when I was in primary school. The alcoholism miraculously came to an end a few years ago and that parent THANKFULLY has not drank since. I suspect that both had low self esteem which led to extreme secrecy and paranoia- I was never allowed to have friends over, was advised not to put up my hand in school in case people thought I was stupid, etc. The parent who drank a lot was unemployed for much of my childhood (and made no effort to find a job, and still doesn't work) which did cause me some embarrassment. I must add that both parents are incredibly well meaning and really want the best for me but I suppose that some of their flawed beliefs really informed my own thinking. I grew up thinking, for example, that all managers/ people in power are "bad" and are to be feared, if that makes any sense, so for much of my studies and work experience I never really fulfilled my potential as I was too paranoid to express an opinion. As I've said, both parents are very well meaning and are nice people, but have a sort of paranoia/ fear around other people which leads to them not having any friends. I find this all very upsetting and I hate the thought of them being unhappy. Neither parent works now and seem content to live on the Dole for the rest of their lives.

I hope that didn't come across as incredibly judgemental but this upbringing has had severe impacts on me, which I am making huge efforts to overcome. This has paid off to an extent- I worked with a coach who really made me appreciate that I am in control of my own destiny. I have worked really hard in my field and have a very good job and am currently completing a PHD. My issue is that I often get quite down about this situation and think back to my childhood and automatically think I'm useless. Any skills- such as social, etc- that I have acquired have been learned painstakingly from watching others or reading up on appropriate behaviours because I wasn't really exposed to any of this growing up. Does anyone have any advice? I know that my parents' employment status and situation should have no bearing on my own success but sometimes it can be extremely difficult and I, shamefully, feel embarrassed about their laziness and lack of work ethic. Does anyone have any advice? I have tried to intervene with them to gently point them in the direction of even volunteer work that may also improve their social skills, but to no avail.

Hannibal_Smith

You're not useless at all. You could easily have followed the thought processes you were brought up with, but you spotted they weren't OK. You've fought against that way of thinking and have worked hard to try and reset your thinking. That's something to be really proud of.

I'm not sure about everyone else, but I found during your childhood you just have your head down and crack on with everything. Your 20s gives you room to look back and have a look at it all. But that does pass and you build on where you are.

Your parents can and will make their own decisions.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your response. I worry about them a lot now on a daily basis as I now realise that their habits aren't conducive to good wellbeing. I suppose that I just find that I have to work a lot harder (personally and professionally) in a lot of areas, such as working and making and maintaining friendships. I'd really appreciate any other advice about how to keep going when I get a bit bogged down by it all. I suppose during my teens I had a lot of personal issues that I didn't disclose (eating disorder, shutting out friendships, having a fear of sexual behaviour) and I'm only now realising that a lot of this is attributed to the belief system of my family. I just find it very difficult to rise from sometimes. I'm already exhausted trying to explain to them that not everyone who becomes a manager/ progresses in their field is a bully or a bluffer.

Hannibal_Smith

You can't change how anyone else thinks. If they're thought processes are that deep rooted that they've brought their child up to believe them, they won't be changed now.

Regarding how they see people in a managerial position, again you can't change their thoughts. You can only control and try and change how you see managers/people in authority.

Are you still working with your coach? It might be worth talking things through with a counsellor and finding tools to help you when you get bogged down by it all.

HildaOgdenx

You have been through a lot, but ultimately all you can do is keep working on yourself. You cannot change others.

Try to to let some things roll off you. You said you are exhausted trying to change their beliefs, for example, about people in authority. Just leave that. It's wasting your time and energy.

You sound very self aware and that is a great thing. As I said you have been through a lot and you deserve to give yourself credit for how you have coped.
I think you would find counselling useful to equip you with ways of dealing with things, especially when you start to feel a bit bogged down by it all.

Mind yourself.

There's a lot could be said here but I am just going to give you two hopefully useful pieces of advice.

1. You need to focus on learning acceptance. You have the parents you have, not the parents you want or need. You must learn to accept them just as they are. You don't have to like them or their situation (although I can hear you really love them). This is a long process but a freeing one. It took me a long time to do it. You did not receive from them what you needed and you are an amazing success in spite of that. Give yourself credit. You are currently grieving what you never had, and what your parents don't have. The pain of this is a process, too. Accepting the parents you have will help this pain recede.

2. Focus on finding ways to fulfill your own emotional needs. Try to build a relationship with yourself where you learn to respect and like yourself and you will find it easier to build strong friendships from there. Don't look too your parents for fulfillment of emotional needs, they're not able for it.

Apart from this, avoid stressful topics with them.

Go to therapy. You will heal.

And go enjoy your lovely life.

leggo

First off OP, you need to be extremely intelligent, self-aware and have a good head on your shoulders to be able to identify and contextualise the issues and distance yourself from them to the point you have, so well done.

Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like the only help or advice you need is how to direct yourself knowing what you know, you seem to have a handle on everything else. I would continue to work with your coach, or a therapist if that has stopped now, to hold your parents responsible for their own behaviour. Not in a bad way, but when we are young in situations like this we’ll often adopt a position of being a caregiver with our struggling parents. This is where the low self-esteem can come from: we never learn to care about ourselves because we’ve effectively been trained to prioritise their needs before our own. No matter what age they are, your parents are your parents: they are the adult and you are the child in the dynamic. You aren’t responsible for them and you won’t be able to change or save them, and the more energy you put into doing so will mean you neglecting your own life and needs. So you need to teach yourself to accept who they are and get what positives you can from your relationship with them. This takes time and work to fully untangle and get your head around because you essentially need to teach your brain a new normal by going back to the past and unlearning bad lessons you were unknowingly taught. It sounds like you’ve already done a lot of the heavy lifting here.

What you’ll likely be left with then, and what has perhaps sparked the train of thought that’s brought you here, is an energy you won’t know what to do with that was previously put towards supporting them. How you channel that is pay it forward. If you have your own kids, or plan to, give them the childhood you never had. Learn from their mistakes by using them as a driving force in your own life that you’re determined not to repeat. Make your success and happiness a victory over these struggles. I’d say your parents would be happy with this resolution if you were to lay it out for them and it’s how you put the pain you went through to a positive, practical usage.

Oink

Your parents managed to get past depression and alcoholism somehow to raise a kind, loving, compassionate, intelligent, and driven daughter. That’s wonderful. I am amazed by how far you’ve managed to go.

My only advice would be this. You took what they could give you, and you are making a life of it. But they’ve taken you as far as they could. Now it’s time for you to accept that this is as far as they can go in life, and keep going yourself.

Give them your love and patience, and as someone else said, use your drive and energy for your own goals.

emerald opal

Dear OP

You are breaking free and living life to your rules now as an adult. Who knows your parents story that resulted in their ill-health, addiction and limiting views and what sounds like to me was overall a traumatic childhood for you.

Sometimes we unpack that trauma later in life when it is safe to do so. This is a brave and courage route. Their fear of life, that they projected onto you, was in their mid-guided mind to protect you from being hurt (perhaps the way they were). And remarkably you challenged it.

Sounds like they did their best and are good people although their way of raising you fell way short of providing you with the emotional safety, security and social skills that guide children to their potential
and have meaningful relationships. In spite of this you went out and did that for yourself and in your professional life you are thriving. Amazing achievement. You have self belief. The most important relationship is with ourselves and you have overcome an eating disorder and internalising your pain. Now the recognition and grief of what you missed out on and sadness of course for your parents and how different it might have been if they had conquered their own fears, and in the case of alcoholism addressed the route cause of their pain. Encouraging the drinking has stopped. Good to get your feelings around your childhood upbringing all sorted out as you move through the different stages of life and healing. You also realise you are not going to change them but you can love them with understanding and strong boundaries that protect you first and foremost. Whatever it takes. I would seek a compassionate trauma informed therapist if you find it’s too much to deal with and continue building on your successes. Well done for reaching out. It’s a lot to carry and accept that you will not be able to change them so they care for themselves in a healthy way.