What to do with father in law?

Irisanon

This is my first time posting so I apologise if the post is long. I'm married to my husband for 3 years now. We have 1 year old twin girls.

Before the twins were born we wanted to buy a house. Had the deposit and was ready to go to a bank when I found out I was pregnant(I would say it was a surprise but you know yourself) Course being twins, well we put the house on the back burner cause you know, kids being expensive and all that and then I went onto maternity leave earlier than I wanted too. We moved into my husbands fathers house 2 years ago which he rents, he doesn't own this house. He was renting this house with another family member who then got a job in Galway so ended up moving out, course this left my husbands father wondering how to pay the rent. We moved in reminding my FIL that this was temp and we are buying a house and he needs to find out how he can apply for social housing, or those houses that home pensioners. This worked out at the start because splitting the rent between my FIL, husband and me meant we could save. He is 78 years old. Bearing in mind my FIL was offered twice a 1 bedroom flat. Both times he rejected because he told the social welfare office that we are buying a house and he's coming with us which means he was taken off the housing list... I've no idea where he got that idea from and hands on heart, I physically can't stand the man. He's an alcoholic. He doesn't look after himself.

Before we moved in with my FIL, we would see him twice a week for visit and the family member was always saying how useless he was but we knew our intentions were to buy a house and it wasn't going to be for long.....

He recieved another letter from the social stating some of his befits (fuel allowance etc) were being removed because he told them that my husband and me were helping him and he didn't need anything. I told him to reapply as actually no we aren't funding for him. We all chip in for rent and chip in to pay bills and everything after that is up to my FIL to sort out. This was 1 year ago and he still hasn't reapplied for his fuel allowance and others so I don't know if he was told told or he hasn't bothered.

This man is a hoarder and to be honest, as lazy as lazy can be. He will happily walk through **** on the floor just to go and make tea, rather than picking it up. I don't mean there's ever **** on the floor but metaphorically. He doesn't help. He doesn't leave the house unless my husband is about to open the front door and then my FIL decides he wants to go somewhere. Often staying in the house for days on end until last minute he decides he wants to go here, there and everywhere causing plans to be changed.

Remember I have twins and plans are either a full blown go ahead or níl. You either get out the door on time or you don't get out at all.

My FIL has often thrown a strop when he thinks his plans are ruined if one of the twins needs a nappy changed or gets sick. This is the same breath that he had no intentions of leaving the house until he see's me or my husband leave the house. He would pace the room and put his coat on and off as if to say "hurry up". Once causing a full blown row because he wanted to go to the shops at a specific time and my husband wasn't even dressed to go out the door. My FIL can walk. The shops is 10 minutes from the house and he's more than able to buy what he needs. To this day I've no idea what the row was over and in the end, my FIL walked out of the house to the shops and was back in 40 minutes complaining there was a que (obviously Covid hasn't registered to him at all in terms of ques) I've explained that OAP times are 8am until 10am if he wants to avoid ques followed by a huff and I moan saying he doesn't wake up at 8am.

My husband works 12 hour shifts 4 days a week so usually I am left with the babies on my own. The other 3 days my husband has off, he's ferrying his father around to places he doesn't even need to be. These shifts is money towards the deposit, again. Luckily we are in a position to buy in the Summer and I want this to happen... without my FIL. When my husband isn't ferrying his father around, he's in the house trying to help me while his father his either in his own make shift room giving out or his father would take over the kitchen completely and we've to wait until he's finished doing whatever it is he's doing.

My FIL is under the assumption that he will also be moving into this new home with us. We've plans for a 3 bedroom house so I've no idea where he thinks he will be sleeping. Room for husband and me and twins have their own rooms (plan is to keep them together until they start school and then let them decide which room they would like, colour etc) Currently he sleeps in a make shift room he has taken upon himself to make in the kitchen therefore the kitchen is essentially his bedroom. Yes it's awkward and frustrating. The kitchen is big enough to manuvour so it's never been a case of we can't enter the kitchen but because of his lack of hygiene and self bloody awearness, the kitchen smells of stale alcohol and BO. I spend at least twice a day cleaning and mopping the floors just to make sure it's clean. I open the windows (even on the coldest days) to let in fresh air and immediately its shut when I leave the room. I would have to bleach the surfaces and floors and where his area is, I would have to make sure the twins don't go near it for the fear of finding an empty beer bottle or god knows what else. Just the smell alone puts me off letting the twins near him.

Just today, my FIL asked me if I was planning on going to the shops because he notice that I was running low on baby milk. I'm not. I have plenty. I said I was planning on going for a walk with the twins and I don't plan on going into any shops or shopping centers. He stormed into his make shift room shouting that no one wants to help him and he said that he's stick of the house being crowded. I can give it back and I'm well able to stand up for myself but he was acting like a spoiled child and even the twins were looking at him with disgust.

To answer the hoarding, he refused to bin anything. If I put a black bag in the back bin he immediately wants to know what's in it so he can separate it. Being a woman, looking through black bags is obviously not a good idea but no, my FIL insisits. I've got to the stage where I have now two black bags and let him look into one and I hide the other until he goes to sleep so I can put it outside. Along with hoarding newspapers he doesn't read. He has 10 black bags full of clothes that haven't been opened, not since I've lived there so you can imagine he wears the same clothes all the time.

My mother minds the twins while I work. I returned to 3 days a week. To say I look forward to leaving the house is an understatement. As soon as I get home, the house is upside down and my FIL is either passed out due to the fact that he HAD to go to the shops using his own legs or more than likely, from drinking. My husband has had enough of him and point blanks refuses to awknowledge his father in the house.

Our plan is to apply for a mortage in June (hopefully!) and my husband has told his father he has until June to sort out a place for himself. This is the same breath that he has 2 other older children. One doesn't want anything to do with my FIL and the other lives in a 2 bed house with herself, partner and 2 children so she has no room herself.

My FIL genuinely thinks he's in a position that others have put him in. He refuses to help himself never mind help in the house. He refuses to do anything for himself. Has asked my husband to buy a house where we are renting now because it's local (to what I don't know because he never leaves and non of his friends speak to him) Has told me that the house is over crowded and the twins don't settle down at night (7pm bed time and wake up at 11pm for bottles and down again until 5am, pretty reasonable for me) My FIL acts like he's been forced to sleep where he is and can't do anything. When it's the opposite. We have 2 rooms in this house. The twins stay in our room and there's a spare room that is filled, wall to wall and cieling to floor with boxes upon boxes of god knows what. My husband has offered to clear this room and my FIL can then sleep in a bedroom to which he refuses as these boxes supposedly has his important things. I fail to believe this but anyways.

My question here is..... What do I do?

I've made it clear to my husband that I don't want his father living with us and neither does my husband but we can't leave the man without a home either. He's purposely not getting help in terms of finding accommodation for himself and I've this dread that he is coming with us. We are genuinely at a lost to what to do as I know if my FIL moves into our new home, it will be exactly the same as it is here in this house and honestly, my husband and I will reach breaking point. We've had arguments that have reached to the point where I've taken the twins and stayed in my mother's house for a few days. My mother's house is already crowded as it is. She works part time and I can't keep running back every time me and my husband fight over his father.

At the minute with Covid, we don't have too much of a life but when the dust settles and we can settle into a house, I know in my head that my FIL will go out of his way to just continue his ways of living. I'm not caring for him. I refuse to be his carer. He's not sick. He's well able to move around and do things. My FIL has tried his best to make me and my husband change our minds about where we would like to buy and I don't want to revolve house buying around what suits my FIL.

Has anyone else encountered this while living with their in laws? Did they feel they needed to buy a home suitable for an in law?

Stephen Gawking

Has anyone else encountered this while living with their in laws? Did they feel they needed to buy a home suitable for an in law?

Hi OP, I can understand your situation as i had something similar. In short your father in law is a manipulative selfish bully. He is not going to change. He knows what he is & what he's doing & he is only going to get worse. You will just have to stand your ground. Your husband is being put in an awful position by his father but he will just have to man up & stand up to his father. You & the kids are his number 1 priority.

Your FIL has lived his life & sounds incredibly bitter about his perceived slights. We had the same issue with my older brother. Took him in when no one else would at my mothers urging & that was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I work, he was 'retired,' & also separated. My wife is carer for our 2 young children who have special needs. He contributed phukk all as he always drank his money, made himself at home, helped himself to my car when i was asleep (shift work), was horrible to my wife & kids, caused murder with our elderly neighbours & their extended family & much worse.

It came to a head & i told him he had to go. He ranted, raved, pleaded, insulted, got our mother involved, he even got our sisters involved which is ironic as they don't talk to him but were happy for us to take him so long as they didn't have to do anything. Shortly after my mother rang me & turned on the waterworks & tried to put me on a guilt trip. I told her she should take him in if she's so concerned but our father was having none of that. At the end of the day OP, no castle can have 2 kings. Your FIL is not your problem but hss been allowed become just that. Its not ideal but your husband will have to put manners on him until you are in a position to move. Best of luck with it.

spaceHopper

I've twins and the first 5 years were hard, but they are so much fun. To be honest, knowing what he was like why did you move in with him. It's not worth it. Rent a two bed apartment somewhere or start looking to buy now put stop putting off moving because it helps you save money. House prices will probably go up by more than you can save. Even if you get mortgage approval in June, it could still take you 6 months to find and buy somewhere. Apply now

Zebrag

Your father in law sounds a bit like my boyfriends dad. Doesn't care for himself. Won't look after himself and will whinge and moan until the cows come home. So far as to deprive himself food as "he has no lift" but as soon as someone says the off licence is closing down early, he's running faster than Usain Bolt to get his drinks in. It's desperate really. There was another thread on her about a man who couldn't get along with his father in law. I am beginning to think that men over a certain age tend to just give up altogether.
I'm not saying it's an old age thing as my grandparents have proven that old age doesn't stop you from going for a 30 minute walk or even a trip to the shops for treats. In fact they have proven that with old age, you should he embracing the time you have an enjoy what and who is around you. I've said this to my own boyfriends father which then turns into an argument of who had a worst life than the other. The end results is, some men just choose to give up and stop caring altogether. My boyfriends father genuinely believes that the world owes him everything and he's "done his fair share" but I genuinely think it's more regret than anything else. Like your father in law, he tends to think that now his kids are grown, they have to mind him. I would get this if he was ill or needed a carer but someone who can walk and talk and is physically fine, landing your needs on a child that wants to venture out isn't fair.
My mam is a single woman in her 60s, still drives and still works part time. Refuses help and refuses to allow me to run around after her. I've my own life to live as far as she is concerned and a mammys hug is always there when needed but she wouldn't so much as ask me for a lift to the shops if her car broke down because she knows there's still buses and her legs aren't broke, she can still walk. I still offer!
My point is, this man will never change. He will continue to act like a grown child and then act like it's not his fault. You can't change people like that. Your father in law wants to believe that no matter what, there's always someone there to pick up the pieces. Plenty of people have had to move back home to save for a house so don't feel that this is something YOU owe him. If he felt at all pleased and proud, he would be doing more to help himself, he just chooses not too and unfortunately, that's how it's going to be. You've stated that one child doesn't want to know him and another has no room for him in their home, that's okay. That's their choice so why do you feel that you need to take on the choice of whether having your father in law in your home is an option? He will still continue the way he is. If your husband can see this then I hope when the time comes, you both can sit down with your father in law and be very firm. He's not moving into your home. He's been given options and refuses to take them so his next bet is to go back down to the social and explain why he needs a new home.
In the meantime if renting isn't an option then I would seriously consider trying for a mortage sooner than June if all possible if you want to leave the home you're in now. With or without your father in law.

Irisanon

spaceHopper wrote: »

I've twins and the first 5 years were hard, but they are so much fun. To be honest, knowing what he was like why did you move in with him. It's not worth it. Rent a two bed apartment somewhere or start looking to buy now put stop putting off moving because it helps you save money. House prices will probably go up by more than you can save. Even if you get mortgage approval in June, it could still take you 6 months to find and buy somewhere. Apply now

Hi spacehopper

We have looked into renting a two bed and the monthly rent is more than our mortage we were hoping to get. Even at that if we do rent, we wouldn't be able to stay in Dublin and we wouldn't be able to save and rent. We both work in Dublin and only have one car so either ways one of us would have to either stay at home or my husband would have to find a job closer to whereever we have decided to rent. It wouldn't be festible but that idea has crossed our minds.

As for knowing what he was like. Yes I will admit that for about 4 months before we decided to move in I told my husband that the time frame is 1 year and then we buy a house. Obviously I got pregnant and then that set us back a little bit causing us to stay longer. Being maternity leave made me view my FIL differently. Yes we knew what he was like but the family member who lived here before didn't express exactly what he was like but I suppose he knew we wouldn't agree if he told us how bad he exactly was. My husband said growing up his father wasn't always at home and was always out and about, either drinking or doing odd jobs so we presumed he would still be the same. When we moved in for about a month my FIL wasn't always in as like I said, odd job and drinking in a pub. Since Jan last year, it was like he woke up and just stopped caring

Irisanon

Stephen Gawking wrote: »

Hi OP, I can understand your situation as i had something similar. In short your father in law is a manipulative selfish bully. He is not going to change. He knows what he is & what he's doing & he is only going to get worse. You will just have to stand your ground. Your husband is being put in an awful position by his father but he will just have to man up & stand up to his father. You & the kids are his number 1 priority.

Your FIL has lived his life & sounds incredibly bitter about his perceived slights. We had the same issue with my older brother. Took him in when no one else would at my mothers urging & that was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I work, he was 'retired,' & also separated. My wife is carer for our 2 young children who have special needs. He contributed phukk all as he always drank his money, made himself at home, helped himself to my car when i was asleep (shift work), was horrible to my wife & kids, caused murder with our elderly neighbours & their extended family & much worse.

It came to a head & i told him he had to go. He ranted, raved, pleaded, insulted, got our mother involved, he even got our sisters involved which is ironic as they don't talk to him but were happy for us to take him so long as they didn't have to do anything. Shortly after my mother rang me & turned on the waterworks & tried to put me on a guilt trip. I told her she should take him in if she's so concerned but our father was having none of that. At the end of the day OP, no castle can have 2 kings. Your FIL is not your problem but hss been allowed become just that. Its not ideal but your husband will have to put manners on him until you are in a position to move. Best of luck with it.

Hi Stephen gawking

How did it end up with your brother? Did your mother take him in? What's happening with him now?

I know things will come to a head when my husband tells my FIL that he's not coming. He will claim he will be homeless and all sorts which I don't actually want him to be but I can't deal with his behaviour either

AmberAmber

Empty or tidy the spare room that's full of hus boxes. That's a bedroom for him.. this he might be out of your way a bit more. I understand he said no... but his own personal space might soften him a bit. Though and all he is. Twins.. I dont know where you will find the time.. or who will help... but moving that stuff or him moving it too could bring some sort of life or comfort to your kitchen.

Stephen Gawking

Hi Stephen gawking

How did it end up with your brother? Did your mother take him in? What's happening with him now?

I know things will come to a head when my husband tells my FIL that he's not coming. He will claim he will be homeless and all sorts which I don't actually want him to be but I can't deal with his behaviour either

To answer your questions;

It ended very badly, i stood my ground. He's out & we're a lot happier as a result. My sisters don't talk to me but that doesn't bother me as he was absolutely horrible to them while they were growing up (He's the eldest). My mother constantly harps on about how he ends up couch surfing etc on 'friends' couches, how He's sometimes slept rough (he hasn't) & how he's 'not well' (diabetic). He taps her for money constantly but tells her its for maintenance for his son & ex wife.

Nowhere near an ideal outcome but for my families sake & mine i did what i had to do. I haven't heard from him in several years & most likely won't but i work with some ex colleagues of his whom he sees regularly & i get told things whether i want to hear it or not. Like your FIL he will never change, i feel sorry for my parents because he's a master manipulator. He's in NI somewhere shacked up with an ex of his from his youth who it turns out is a raving alcoholic who regularly threatens to throw him out & when she does it back to our parents to plead 'poor me' & blame the world for everything. Few days later he's back in NI. Families... who'd have 'em?

Irisanon

AmberAmber wrote: »

Empty or tidy the spare room that's full of hus boxes. That's a bedroom for him.. this he might be out of your way a bit more. I understand he said no... but his own personal space might soften him a bit. Though and all he is. Twins.. I dont know where you will find the time.. or who will help... but moving that stuff or him moving it too could bring some sort of life or comfort to your kitchen.

Hi Amberamber

We've explained to him that although personal space is ideal for him, the kitchen shouldn't be somewhere to have a bed especially when he doesn't wash himself. I even told my husband that I can leave the twins with my mam for a day if it means trying to clear the spare room so he can have his own room. My husband said yeah and stupidly told his father which then ended up turning into a row about how much we don't want him around. He's not wrong there. He just doesn't reason with anyone. I even said the shower is 2 steps away from his room so he can wash himself and that was another blow to his face. My husband is due 2 weeks holiday in a couple of weeks so he's going to clear the room anyways and bring all his father's stuff to the room, rubbish included and he can get drunk there. We just need the kitchen back so the twins can roam around freely and it's clean.

My FIL has slowly but surely started to sleep in the sitting room but we've put a stop to that. My husband has purposely woken in the middle of the night to drag him out of the sitting room just so he doesn't taint that room as well. I think my FIL is just trying to test patience and acts shocked when we react

Irisanon

Stephen Gawking wrote: »

To answer your questions;

It ended very badly, i stood my ground. He's out & we're a lot happier as a result. My sisters don't talk to me but that doesn't bother me as he was absolutely horrible to them while they were growing up (He's the eldest). My mother constantly harps on about how he ends up couch surfing etc on 'friends' couches, how He's sometimes slept rough (he hasn't) & how he's 'not well' (diabetic). He taps her for money constantly but tells her its for maintenance for his son & ex wife.

Nowhere near an ideal outcome but for my families sake & mine i did what i had to do. I haven't heard from him in several years & most likely won't but i work with some ex colleagues of his whom he sees regularly & i get told things whether i want to hear it or not. Like your FIL he will never change, i feel sorry for my parents because he's a master manipulator. He's in NI somewhere shacked up with an ex of his from his youth who it turns out is a raving alcoholic who regularly threatens to throw him out & when she does it back to our parents to plead 'poor me' & blame the world for everything. Few days later he's back in NI. Families... who'd have 'em?

Some people just don't want to change don't they not. I really hope my FIL makes a turn around and realises but I can't see it happening. He just doesn't understand why no one wants to be around him and then gets annoyed when no one wants to help him.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

Unfortunately, your issue is that you moved into 'his' house so you can't really ask him to leave.
Can the 4 of you move into your mams house just while you sort your mortgage out?
The only way to break this cycle is for you to move out either now (preferably) or when you do get your mortgage.
You just move out, no ifs or buts, just go.
It's his problem then what happens to his accommodation circumstances.
I have to say, I'm not impressed that your husband hasn't pulled the plug on this situation before now. Leaving his wife and babies live in filthy circumstances with an alcoholic. Km sorry, but he should man up.
There's surely somewhere ye could rent for a few months even if your mam can't have you. Try Air BnB.
By you all being there, you're enabling this man. He wont change. You have to.

Irisanon

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Hi OP.

Unfortunately, your issue is that you moved into 'his' house so you can't really ask him to leave.
Can the 4 of you move into your mams house just while you sort your mortgage out?
The only way to break this cycle is for you to move out either now (preferably) or when you do get your mortgage.
You just move out, no ifs or buts, just go.
It's his problem then what happens to his accommodation circumstances.
I have to say, I'm not impressed that your husband hasn't pulled the plug on this situation before now. Leaving his wife and babies live in filthy circumstances with an alcoholic. Km sorry, but he should man up.
There's surely somewhere ye could rent for a few months even if your mam can't have you. Try Air BnB.
By you all being there, you're enabling this man. He wont change. You have to.

Hi Purple Mountain

It's not exactly his house as he's privetly renting it. He was renting with another family member and they moved to Galway and he had asked my husband if we could move in to help with the rent, between the 3 of us the rent is split. I get what you're saying in terms of saying its his house and we can't ask him to move out but it's more a case that, we moved in with the intentions of saving and getting a mortage not to long after along with keeping a roof over his head. Obviously the twins came along and that put plans in the back burner but it was our number 1 priority. In terms of that we told my FIL that we have no intention of staying for a long time and we gave him endless chances to try and get himself accomadation in the mean time so we didn't have to worry about any housing situation for him. Alas, he hasn't bothered and lied to the social welfare office meaning that he would potentially be homeless when we do move which is not what we want, regardless of the type of person he is.

My mams house is over crowded as it is and although she has expressed her love for us to stay there, there's literally no room. Previous to moving in my FIL, me and my husband rented an apartment for 5 years and I often look back and regret that, minus two little ones.

In my husbands defence, he has gone red in the face telling his father that he's pratically a useless man. My husband goes out of his way to make sure my needs and the twins needs are met and honestly if he could put a cover over where his father sleeps, the house wouldn't be half as bad. My husband works 12 hour shifts just so he provide for us. He really is trying and wants to give us what is best and we've tried to talk all angles. Move out and rent. Move to another county. My husband has as far as ask for a transfer so we could move with no luck. My husband has so far as told his father he's not allowed near me or the twins throughout the day and when he's home he's to either stay in his "room" or find a friend to stay with. Believe me, he's tried every angle. The way he speaks to his father would make anyone want to cry but sometimes his father can't be spoken to in a decent manner.

The point being, when we buy a home, his father will essentially be homeless and that's not something I could forgive myself for. Although he's rejected 2 letters offering 1 bedroom flat due to the idiocy that he thinks he is moving with us, my husband and I are at a lost to whether dealing with this man until the end or physically shaking him to the point where common sense has been knocked into him

Irisanon

Zebrag wrote: »

Your father in law sounds a bit like my boyfriends dad. Doesn't care for himself.

Hi Zebrag

I don't know how many stern or firm words we have to have with my FIL in order for him to understand. He simply doesn't care and will forever not care until his days are over. He believes that the hardship of life has landed him in this situation but really, it was down to the fact that from a young age, I never cared and caused distruction wherever he went. His friends gave up on him long ago and 1 of his own children point blanks refuses to awknowledge him on the streets and I honestly don't blame him. His daughter has said she has no room but secretly I think she's happy knowing he doesn't have to live with her

My husband is the middle child and for some reason got landed in all of his situations. When we lived elsewhere he would still get phone calls and demands. We used to make a point to visit him so he wasn't completely alone which was probably our first mistake as my FIL has taken upon himself to think that my husband will trip over his feet to help him. Funnily enough my husband doesn't run to him as much as my FIL likes to think.

For the house, we have plans of what we would like to do, who gets what room, you know the things that we think about and always at the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking "where is FIL going to sleep" because I know one way or another, he will end up tagging along. If put my foot down and told my husband I won't be looking for a home that suits my FIL

Purple Mountain

I don't want to sound harsh, OP because you have a lot to contend with but you're being too much of a door mat for this man.
You say you could never forgive yourself. But he has 2 other children. I'm sure they've forgiven themselves?
My point is that your family now is your husband and twins. Their safety and your sanity is what's the most important thing to you.
If things were different and this was man kind, not living in squalor and not drinking in your home and you were prepared to look after him, I'd applaud you as being a really selfless person. But in this situation, by allowing this continue, you're not putting your own family needs first and that's not fair to any of the four of you.
Read your post. Realise how stressed you are (and I can understand 100% why). Do you think that's fair on you to be working 3 days outside the home, juggling being a mum to twin babies and trying to have a relationship with your husband?
It's not fair on you nor your husband or your children.
Forget trying to parent a 78 year old man child bully. Forget feeling guilty about him.
Every second sentence in your posts seems to justify why you should move out or how you told him it was temporary.
You don't need any justification to put a halt to that.
I'd be biting your mother's hand off for temporary accommodation.
Reach out and tell her how stressed you are and how bad things really are.
You would make things work for a few months if you had to.
I'd rather be 4 of us in one bedroom on a temporary basis (with your mother's blessing and permission to stay) than live with that man another weekend.
Pack your bags, go and don't make any apologises or arrangements for how he will manage with you.
He got this far fending for himself before you all came along for him to leech off.

rainbowtrout

Irisanon wrote: »

Hi Purple Mountain


The point being, when we buy a home, his father will essentially be homeless and that's not something I could forgive myself for. Although he's rejected 2 letters offering 1 bedroom flat due to the idiocy that he thinks he is moving with us, my husband and I are at a lost to whether dealing with this man until the end or physically shaking him to the point where common sense has been knocked into him

No, he won't be homeless. He's choosing to create this situation. You said yourself he's been offered two flats and turned them down. So he's eligible for housing and a high enough priority to be offered it. He's creating this situation so you'll cave and bring him to the new house... and then you'll be right back in the same situation except you'll never get rid of him.

You and your husband just have to be as hard as nails on this. It needs to be part of the daily conversation with your father in law. Every time he mentions moving to the new house be firm and say 'you won't be moving in with us, you need to reapply again soon to get on the housing list'. Say it and keep saying it.

Purple Mountain

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You and your husband just have to be as hard as nails on this. It needs to be part of the daily conversation with your father in law. Every time he mentions moving to the new house be firm and say 'you won't be moving in with us, you need to reapply again soon to get on the housing list'. Say it and keep saying it.

I wouldn't even bother saying this because then you're giving the impression you need to explain and justify.
Just get out as soon as you can with your own little family.
Just give him a few days notice that you're going and don't engage with conversation on it.

Irisanon

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I don't want to sound harsh, OP because you have a lot to contend with but you're being too much of a door mat for this man.
You say you could never forgive yourself. But he has 2 other children. I'm sure they've forgiven themselves?
My point is that your family now is your husband and twins. Their safety and your sanity is what's the most important thing to you.
If things were different and this was man kind, not living in squalor and not drinking in your home and you were prepared to look after him, I'd applaud you as being a really selfless person. But in this situation, by allowing this continue, you're not putting your own family needs first and that's not fair to any of the four of you.
Read your post. Realise how stressed you are (and I can understand 100% why). Do you think that's fair on you to be working 3 days outside the home, juggling being a mum to twin babies and trying to have a relationship with your husband?
It's not fair on you nor your husband or your children.
Forget trying to parent a 78 year old man child bully. Forget feeling guilty about him.
Every second sentence in your posts seems to justify why you should move out or how you told him it was temporary.
You don't need any justification to put a halt to that.
I'd be biting your mother's hand off for temporary accommodation.
Reach out and tell her how stressed you are and how bad things really are.
You would make things work for a few months if you had to.
I'd rather be 4 of us in one bedroom on a temporary basis (with your mother's blessing and permission to stay) than live with that man another weekend.
Pack your bags, go and don't make any apologises or arrangements for how he will manage with you.
He got this far fending for himself before you all came along for him to leech off.

Thanks for your post Purple Mountain. You're right in saying I am stressed but at this point, I can't feel stressed as I've way to much to be doing and thinking about before I can sit down and properly think about how stressful it is.

I spoke to my husband last night and he agrees that his father walks all over us and we allow it some days. Not out of niceness but just to avoid arguments and to be honest I can't be bothered to listen to my FIL while I'm trying to look after the twins. Thankfully they are at a stage where they are non the wiser and blissfully unaware and I hope this is a part of their lives they won't remember as I've expressed when we buy the house, my FIL won't be having anything to do with me and the twins. My FIL won't be involved in their lives. I would hope this would shock him but I doubt it.

My mams house is overcrowded and we would end up having to sleep in the sitting room which is tiny. It wouldnt be fair to squeeze me, my husband and 2 babies all the while other members of the house would have to either hibernate in their own rooms and not use the sitting room. We already know what it's like to have one room over taken. We have spoken about this and my mam is desperate for me and my husband to get that life we want to provide for our girls. But for now, we can't escape this house until we get mortage approved.

Thanks all who have posted and I am hoping that, somehow, my FIL will change his tune. If not we've made our decision to lot allow him to move with us as my husband officially reached braking point last night after our chat. He's done and emotionally and mentally he can't carry on. I'm ringing the social welfare office today and explaining my FIL situation, whether they allow this over the phone, I'm not sure but I will express that he is able to live on his own without any help and I will march my FIL down if I have too