She has a boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hello

I used to work with this girl for over year that I really liked. We were good friends and I was always a bit wary that if I told her how I feel, I would lose her as a friend. She eventually left for another job but we would keep in touch by meeting up for coffee and would generally text each other. The coffee meets were great, we would sit there chatting for well over an hour. She would tell me a lot about her family, some of her friends and her cat. I always thought she liked me and eventually I sent her a birthday present, just to make it a bit more obvious that I like-liked her.

She said thanks for the gift but things went a bit cold after it. I was fine with that. She wasn't interested, that's cool.

A few weeks later somebody told me that she has a boyfriend for about 2 years and they lived with each other. This was a total shock to me because whenever she mentioned the person she lived with it was always her "roommate" or her "friend". This totally melted my head.

For a few months after I discovered she has a secret Instagram page. She doesn't follow me and never posts but she always looks at my Instagram stories. It's a bit wierd, ill post something and within the hour she will have viewed the picture or video. As I said, she doesn't actually follow me, she just types my name in and views my stories. She must have copped on that you can see who views your clip because it stopped suddenly.

I just don't get the situation at all. We worked closely together for over a year, got on really well, would meet up outside of work and not once did she drop in a tiny factor that she is with somebody. Everyone else in the work place seemed to have known but she managed to keep it away from me. What's all that about?

We haven't talked for a while. She contacted me recently when she found out I was in hospital to see it I was ok and said let's meet up for coffee soon. I said yes, but I have no intention to. She is still with the boyfriend.

Tork

It's fairly simple really. Your "friend" figured out that you really liked her and she deliberately kept you in the dark about her relationship. She enjoyed the attention and kept you "on the hook" by giving you the impression that she was single. The fact that she referred to her boyfriend as a friend or roommate is testament to the deception. It isn't a nice thing to do and suggests she isn't quite the person you thought she was.

leggo

Yeah, see above. It’s an entire category of person like. The first time you come across them you place some significance in the fact that they deliberately never mentioned it and how you had a ‘special connection’...then think of the poor lad at home who doesn’t realise he’s being denied while his missus makes ‘special connections’ with other lads. Then think of if this played out like you hoped and you were that guy while some other poor schmuck was on here wondering what was going on. If you were to confront this person, they’d almost definitely try gaslight and turn the situation on you as if you ‘ruined’ the friendship yourself by making it romantic, then take zero responsibility for the fact that she blatantly lied about having a boyfriend then just went silent when you made it real with the gift. She had to because saying anything would either risk losing the shot of attention they use you for, them having to come clean to you or admit to themselves that they were emotionally cheating.

Truth be told OP, you probably weren’t the only ‘special connection’ this person had outside of their relationship. These people tend to collect and recycle them like Bebo Best Friends.

That’s who they are and that’s how they see you when push comes to shove. You can try rationalise how this was different, but it’s almost definitely not. The truth of the matter is you got away lucky here. Even if you don’t see it now, you will one day.

Zebrag

A lot of times it boils down to lack of confidence and need validation and confirmation, whether admitted or not, from other people outside the circle of friends or relationship to prove that they are worthy, attractive, out going and so on. Often the person doesn't fully recognise this and just simply seek this attention unconsciously and a lot of times the person knows exactly what they are doing and doesn't have any boundaries.

This girl sounds like the type that "she's friends with everyone" but keeps a lot of her privite life a secret to hold onto other outside relationships. If it's because she wants a "back up" or her relationship is bad and wanted to see if you were the next best bet or it could be simple as, she genuinely doesn't realise she's doing this. I go for the latter.

Either ways, she's playing with emotions. A secret Instagram but still views your stories? That says to me she's hiding her relationship from you. Not responding back after you sent her a gift? That's denial to your emotions and she knows full well that you sent her a gift to show your feelings and she wanted to back track not realising that you would physically admit to your feelings. Although a lovely gesture and heartfelt, it seems to me she liked the idea of being able to meet up for a chat and dance around actual feelings, maybe flirt a little bit and coyly and when you plucked up the courage, she wanted out mainly because she's in a relationship and to handle someone else, that's a boundary she crossed.

Now I'm not saying her relationship is perfect and she's hiding it because all is perfect or all is bad but personally I feel she knew you liked her and played with this. I can't comment on what her relationship is like but when someone goes out of their way to hide they are with someone, it doesn't say they are affectionate to some degree but again, it could may well be her relationship is bad and just doesn't want to bring it up in conversation. We don't know.

I think it's a lesson learned. After the slow replies from receiving the gift should be an indication that this girl doesn't actually know what it is she wants and sounds like it would be more hassle than needed. In saying that, as you don't know what her current relationship is like, it may well be the case that she hid it for various reasons but as your own person, take this is a means to know that this girl isn't going to be worthy of your affection

You sound extremely generous, composed and worthy of someone who deserves your heartfelt gesture and willingness to show that you will give a gift to show your appreciation. Both physically and emotionally. This girl sounds like she will let you dance to her tune until she moves on

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. I think essentially she was hedging her bets. I know she had been with the boyfriend for over a year, possibly 2 at this stage. They had moved in with each other a few months previously because she was talking a lot about her new place and moving in with her "friend". They were probably getting used to each other. Maybe things were not great and she hedged her bet.

TheadoreT

If she wasnt getting on with her boyfriend she probably would have escalated things with you so I dont think she was hedging at all. He was the one sleeping with her and you were just chasing after someone who was meerly using you as a confidence booster.

I get the sense that you think she might be into you and you want her to be. Even in the unlikely scenario of anything ever happening imagine being with someone as devious as her in a relationship, it would drive you mad.

You need to forget her, stop messaging on forums about her, and try find someone available and less of a head melt, thankfully theres plenty of them out there.

Sonic the Shaghog

Had the same before. E.g. was on holidays with her "married friend who needed a break" turns out it was her bf she was living with

It's for attention that they purposely leave out mention of it as they know most lads will stop bothering once they know.

Looking back it shows what kind of person someone like that is. Even if she came and 100% declared love now I wouldn't be interested as one day I'd described as "her friend" to her latest orbiter

Airyfairy12

Its hard to know what goes on inside peoples heads or why they do the things they do. Maybe she was trying to lead you on, maybe she wanted the friendship so let you think something more could happen to keep you close, maybe she thought you wouldnt be friends with her if you knew she wasnt single. Maybe she just liked the attention, Only she can answer that question.
Regardless of the reasons she cant be trusted & it sounds like she has her own issues. Have you asked her? Either way its not a true friendship, she was dishonest and you where only friends with her because you were holding out hope that something more would happen between you both which is also dishonest and not a true friendship.

Samsonsmasher

Having read your post OP it is clear that everything was one sided from your direction.
She was never interested in you as anything more than a friend and you were never going to get together with her.
There was no malice on her part. If you were inviting her for friendly chat and coffees she wasn't going to say no. If you got the impression you were getting somewhere that was your misunderstanding.
If you were frank about your feelings from the start you would have been better off because it would have forced her to be frank with you.
In future if you are really interested in someone make it obvious as soon as possible.
If a woman isn't interested move on because life is too short and put this behind you. Instead be seeking out women who are interested in you romantically.
Best of luck!

YellowLead

Samsonsmasher wrote: »

Having read your post OP it is clear that everything was one sided from your direction.
She was never interested in you as anything more than a friend and you were never going to get together with her.
There was no malice on her part. If you were inviting her for friendly chat and coffees she wasn't going to say no. If you got the impression you were getting somewhere that was your misunderstanding.
If you were frank about your feelings from the start you would have been better off because it would have forced her to be frank with you.
In future if you are really interested in someone make it obvious as soon as possible.
If a woman isn't interested move on because life is too short and put this behind you. Instead be seeking out women who are interested in you romantically.
Best of luck!

I would think there was a little malice on her part - she deliberately lied by calling her boyfriend her friend. That’s super odd - why would anyone deny they had a boyfriend? It sounds like she enjoyed the attention from you OP, perhaps she liked you perhaps she didn’t but either way she chose the other guy and you are better off without as she is a sneaky person and you’d only be questioning yourself with her.

But I do agree with the making a move a lot sooner suggestion. It’s either friends or it’s not. If it’s friends then don’t make the move at all.

Airyfairy12

Samsonsmasher wrote: »

Having read your post OP it is clear that everything was one sided from your direction.
She was never interested in you as anything more than a friend and you were never going to get together with her.
There was no malice on her part. If you were inviting her for friendly chat and coffees she wasn't going to say no. If you got the impression you were getting somewhere that was your misunderstanding.
If you were frank about your feelings from the start you would have been better off because it would have forced her to be frank with you.
In future if you are really interested in someone make it obvious as soon as possible.
If a woman isn't interested move on because life is too short and put this behind you. Instead be seeking out women who are interested in you romantically.
Best of luck!

I agree with this, not condoning her not mentioning her boyfriend but if you like someone romantically or sexually dont befriend them and assume you are both on the same page or hang around waiting for them to sleep with you/have a relationship with you.

Neither of you were honest, lesson learned. Next time be clear about your intentions and you'll avoid situations like this.

Katgurl

Op please ignore posters here somehow blaming you for not being upfront. I think people are starved of romance these days; a consequence of OLD. You were spending time together then you sent her a gift - lovely.

She however is an absolute weirdo / headwreck and now you know you are right to ignore her. Who refers to their live-in boyfriend as their friend? Ridiculous. Who cares what her motives were. Avoid.

leggo

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I agree with this, not condoning her not mentioning her boyfriend but if you like someone romantically or sexually dont befriend them and assume you are both on the same page or hang around waiting for them to sleep with you/have a relationship with you.

Neither of you were honest, lesson learned. Next time be clear about your intentions and you'll avoid situations like this.

This is all pretty simplistic advice though. OP worked with this person originally. You can’t go making a move on every work colleague you’re attracted to or feel any chemistry with, that’s how you become the office sex pest.

I’ve had romantic feelings with people that have grown from friendships too, it’s not always as simple as you wake up one day and want to have sex with and marry this person intensely. Feelings evolve in their own time: you can be open to the idea of something happening, unsure if it’s a passing attraction, unsure if a relationship would work and therefore unwilling to risk the friendship etc. In these cases it’s okay to let things develop naturally without an open declaration of love, because if they ultimately feel the same something WILL happen.

That’s all the OP did here, only the weird thing that happened was that it turned out she had a boyfriend the whole time. That’s the headline. There’s seeing both sides and playing Devil’s advocate, then there’s just missing the point.

PearseCork92

Red flags all over the place with this girl. Take a wide berth.

You could have well ended up the paramour in a relationship without your knowledge or his. She monkey branches to you and you think you've hit the jackpot. Year or so down the line, there's a new interesting guy 'friend' in the office/gym/ultimate frisbee team and you're dropped like a hot snot with your head spinning and heart broken.

Tale as old as time.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

IAMAMORON - As you know, gender generalisations are a breach of the Charter here. In addition to that posters are asked to offer constructive to an OP, in a mature and civil manner. As your post fell far below the standard required here it has been deleted. Please read the Charter and make sure any future posts do not fall short of it.

Thanks

HS

ILoveYourVibes

I can understand you are upset. I am sorry about that.

But the girl did nothing wrong. She was a friend to you and gave you all the same attention you gave her.

People are saying you gave her all this time etc. Well that was her time too.

Geezertron wrote: »

She would tell me a lot about her family, some of her friends and her cat. I always thought she liked me and eventually I sent her a birthday present, just to make it a bit more obvious that I like-liked her.

She said thanks for the gift but things went a bit cold after it.

Its clear when she realized you were spending money on her she cooled.

Why she didn't say she was in a relationship? You don't know why ..you don't know what is going on with that relationship or how she sees it or how she doesn't. Its her business.

She enjoyed the friendship. She enjoyed giving that attention to you too.




When you spend time or attention on a friend ....they are spending their time on you too.

she has a secret Instagram page. She doesn't follow me and never posts

Do you mean a private instagram page?

She contacted me recently when she found out I was in hospital to see it I was ok and said let's meet up for coffee soon.

She obv cares about you as a friend. Its not every friend that calls to see if you are ok in hospital.

I understand that when someone you like doesn't like you ..it sucks.

However ....just because someone doesn't have a partner ..doesn't mean they will ever be available to you. And just because someone HAS a partner doesn't mean they wouldn't end it for you. Which of course we should not let happen. But well it happens.

I hope you learn this. That way you will know if something hasn't happened ...its not going to. I hope you can learn to appreciate the friendship you had with this girl. If you don't that is your choice and your right.

Whatever you feel you put into the friendship ...she put in too.

If you want to know why she didn't say she had a boyfriend. Just ask her. That seems the simplest solution.

patsman07

I disagree with the majority of posts here.
I think the girl may not have that much confidence. She likes the OP and probably would be willing to leave her current boyfriend for him but because the OP never made his attraction to her explicit it has never gone anywhere. If this is the case, I also feel sorry for her current boyfriend, but all is fair in love and war. If you want a relationship with her OP, I think you need to tell her so.

ILoveYourVibes

patsman07 wrote: »

I disagree with the majority of posts here.
I think the girl may not have that much confidence. She likes the OP and probably would be willing to leave her current boyfriend for him but because the OP never made his attraction to her explicit it has never gone anywhere. If this is the case, I also feel sorry for her current boyfriend, but all is fair in love and war. If you want a relationship with her OP, I think you need to tell her so.

I kind of agree. I think he at least needs to ask WHY she didn't tell him about the bf.

I mean it does sound like she cares about him.

Tig98

Im finding some of the replies completely absurd.

I think you went wromg buying her a birthday present - sure it was a nice gesture but its a bit over the top and.... simpy. Its better say you like her with your mouth and be direct about it.

Maybe she cooled down after you sent her the present because her boyfriend saw it and the jig was up.

She has lied about her boyfriends existence to someone she probably knew was romantically interested in her. That's hugely disrespectful to her boyfriend. I know people are saying we don't know the dynamics of that relationship etc and that's true, which also means you shouldn't automatically assume he is somehow abusive or controlling to the girl. She can be the baddie in the story.

People are downplaying her behaviour, "all is fair in love and war" etc, but it clearly shows what she thinks is acceptable. Who is to say if OP was her boyfriend she would show him any more courtesy? She could be meeting guys behind his back aswell.

Op just walk and keep on walking. No good can come from getting tangled up in her lies.

ILoveYourVibes

Tig98 wrote: »

Maybe she cooled down after you sent her the present because her boyfriend saw it and the jig was up.

She could be meeting guys behind his back aswell.

You mean having male friends?

Unless the present was underwear or something i don't see the issue. I give male friends gifts all the time for b days or even just something i know they might like. I think nothing of it. I do it for girlfriends too.

Tig98

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You mean having male friends?

Unless the present was underwear or something i don't see the issue. I give male friends gifts all the time for b days or even just something i know they might like. I think nothing of it. I do it for girlfriends too.

The issue isn't having friends or receiving gifts, the issue is that she intentionally misled OP to believe she was single. Similarly I doubt she was mentioning OP to her boyfriend, and it would be natural to be suspicious when she receives a present, and probably a tell-tale card, from a man he has never heard of.

Airyfairy12

Tig98 wrote: »

The issue isn't having friends or receiving gifts, the issue is that she intentionally misled OP to believe she was single. Similarly I doubt she was mentioning OP to her boyfriend, and it would be natural to be suspicious when she receives a present, and probably a tell-tale card, from a man he has never heard of.

This, its the lies and the sneaking around!
Also, If OP liked her enough to give her a birthday present he should have just told her he liked her romantically.
Some people befriend others they find attractive in the hopes it leads to more, this isnt a friendship and it always backfires.

MANDY2018

She shouldn't have lied to you but clear as day she liked you. She isn't likely to tell colleagues that her relationship is dead in the water or has issues. She shouldn't even have to tell you... maybe just ask her straight out?

YellowLead

MANDY2018 wrote: »

She shouldn't have lied to you but clear as day she liked you. She isn't likely to tell colleagues that her relationship is dead in the water or has issues. She shouldn't even have to tell you... maybe just ask her straight out?

I don’t think it was dead in the water when she was lying - I’m moving in with my ‘friend’ etc. If she had a boyfriend, one she was living in with no less, she should not have been meeting up with another guy she liked and pretending she didn’t have a boyfriend.

PearseCork92

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You mean having male friends?

Unless the present was underwear or something i don't see the issue. I give male friends gifts all the time for b days or even just something i know they might like. I think nothing of it. I do it for girlfriends too.

I think we all know the difference between gifting to a platonic friend (of either sex) and gifting to someone we are trying to seduce etc. It's only the very closest of friends one would buy a gift for on their birthday, I suspect most people are like that.

The girl knew what game she was playing at, she was cultivating another option while still in a relationship, and keeping quiet to both the boyfriend and OP about it. There's a low-level manipulation game going on here and I'd advise the OP to run a mile from it.

The poster speculating the boyfriend's spidey senses went off when he found out about the gift might not be too far away from the truth. I know if my partner came home with a gift from a random male in her workplace, I'd at least have cause to wonder what she's playing at.

PearseCork92

MANDY2018 wrote: »

She shouldn't have lied to you but clear as day she liked you. She isn't likely to tell colleagues that her relationship is dead in the water or has issues. She shouldn't even have to tell you... maybe just ask her straight out?

Is this the new normal? Encouraging people to ask out someone who is in a long-term relationship with a live-in partner? I know people are free to do what they want in this world, but you're advising the OP to play with fire, and it's also ethically questionable to say the least.

In all my years I've managed to never sleep with someone else's wife or girlfriend. Maybe I'm missing a trick, or maybe I have a value system.

wiggle16

Mod:

Okay, that's enough general discussion in the thread. Please have advice for the OP when you post.

Thanks

Samsonsmasher

The best advice for the OP is to understand for whatever reason you are going to be rejected. It hurts. Accept it. Move on. Ask more women out go for dates have fun find someone nice. No regrets.

Sonic the Shaghog

Always find this talk of they might leave the current partner for you, all's fair etc funny

You just know if someone asked out their missus/fella they'd be raging and even funnier scratching their head when they do the same to them in future

MANDY2018

PearseCork92 wrote: »

Is this the new normal? Encouraging people to ask out someone who is in a long-term relationship with a live-in partner? I know people are free to do what they want in this world, but you're advising the OP to play with fire, and it's also ethically questionable to say the least.

In all my years I've managed to never sleep with someone else's wife or girlfriend. Maybe I'm missing a trick, or maybe I have a value system.[/QUOTE

I said ask her straight out...as in ask her why she lied!
Ultimately though, best to cut all contact.

leggo

People who jump on the fact that she might like you, and saying ask her out are ignoring the giant warning signs that;

a) When he escalated things with the gift, she went cold on him. If she was interested, there was her cue.
b) Even if the OP was successful, all he’d have achieved is getting a girl who now has form for cheating to date him.

It’s naive at best and at worst an indicator of extremely low standards and self-esteem to read that type of situation and have your only takeaway be “OMG maybe she likes me!” Self-esteem means regarding yourself highly and with self-respect: a big part of that is having protective instincts that kick in when you’re met with massive warning signs. If they’re not kicking in but you find yourself headed towards that path, it’s a ‘fake it til you make it’ situation where you need to go against what your emotions are telling you and trust that it’s the right call. Fortunately for the OP, she’s made it easier for him by backing away herself. He needs to take this beat before she comes back as if nothing happened looking for more attention to run.

Stan27

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Had the same before. E.g. was on holidays with her "married friend who needed a break" turns out it was her bf she was living with

It's for attention that they purposely leave out mention of it as they know most lads will stop bothering once they know.

Looking back it shows what kind of person someone like that is. Even if she came and 100% declared love now I wouldn't be interested as one day I'd described as "her friend" to her latest orbiter

Happened with me with a girl in college.
She was leading me on for weeks, texting me non stop etc.
She was actually seeing one of the lads in my course, and when he found out, it ended quick enough. Some people are just headbangers.

Just a wild and crazy thought.. but I'll put it out there. Who exactly told you she has a boyfriend and how much do you trust their information? Is it reliable? Maybe the guy she is living with IS a friend or roommate.

She is obviously capable of having platonic friendly relationships with men - that's what she thought she had with you - until you gave her the birthday gift. Then the penny dropped for her that you like her romantically, so she backed off because it looks like she doesn't see you that way.

You need to ask her, don't just assume the worst of her.

weemcd

Stay well away op. 4/5 red flags there.

leggo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

You need to ask her, don't just assume the worst of her.

Bit of a desperado move with nothing to be gained tbh considering he’s already made a move. Even if your suspicions are correct here, all it can achieve is forcing her to go “No I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m just not interested in you at all romantically” and making everyone involved uncomfortable. It’s okay to take hints like.

Well, you know what they say. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At least he'd know, once and for all and if she is unavailable or simply uninterested, (no shame in that) and he can move on instead of wondering.

leggo

I don't want to side-track this discussion, but this kinda stuff is why you hear people giving out about people not taking hints and getting into harassment territory.

OP does know her interest-level already. If she wanted something to happen, something would've come of the gift he got her because he went deliberately overboard to show he was interested. People who are interested in you respond positively to that kinda stuff and things move naturally from there. If they don't, they're either unavailable or uninterested. OP has since heard the former back and now has closure, he's here to deal with the remnants of that.

There are no pros to going back AGAIN and forcing the issue. The OP has very little chance of getting a positive outcome and now this girl feels harassed and backed into a corner where she has to almost say "NO!" clearly, just because (in this hypothetical) the OP refused to take the hint.

I agree that she is not romantically interested in the OP. But they were good friends, and if I was him, I'd kinda like to know if she is in a relationship or not so IF IT WAS ME, I'd ask.

They are both mature adults. Maybe after an adult conversation the mutual friendship they both enjoyed up to now can be salvaged and they can move past this (if they want to) or call it a day. It does appear to have reached a natural end.

(As an aside, my basis for this is my brother rents rooms in his house and has a female licensee sharing with him for the last two years and they've become good friends. Pre-pandemic, they would go to gigs, socialise together, etc. I'm sure it would be easy for someone outside the situation to assume she was his live-in girlfriend - appearances are not always as they seem).

Anyway, best of luck to the OP.

mcsean2163

There used to be a while where on a night out I didn't want to talk about my girlfriend as it was no fun. Talking to a girl... mention my girlfriend... conversation over. I guess it was something like the same, she liked you as a friend and didn't want to break the friendship but that's a crazy long time. Not mentioning it on a night out versus months seems very different.. but maybe I was an asshole too although I didn't call my girlfriend a roommate...

jj880

Forget her OP. You will find someone else who won't behave this way. Even if she contacts you again and wants to be "friends" Ive seen this escalate to where lads end up walking the woman's dog, baby sitting, washing her car etc. Its horrendous to watch. I still see a guy I know locally. He's been at it for years. She's had a few boyfriends in that time also.