Messy breakup - advice please

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Going unreg for this. I am going through a breakup with my boyfriend of one year. Before this my luck with dating was terrible, and I had some bad experiences. I met this person online after some weeks of talking.

At the beginning I was not sure as there were some “red flags”. He struggled to organise dates, relied on me heavily for transport and overall seemed a little self centred. There was also a major clash of lifestyles - I’m quite active and motivated, and he wouldn’t necessarily be the same. Despite this there were also many positives - he was sweet, affectionate, silly, complimentary etc. As the relationship progressed, I became increasingly aware of the feeling I was walking on eggshells. During arguments, if I showed emotion I was accused of being over emotional and dramatic. When I had a different point of view on major issues, I was shouted down. He had asked me to communicate any problems with him, however when I did, I got a similar response. I could never seem to make him happy, and when I told him this he mocked me. I often felt embarrassed, and my feelings minimised. It also became blatantly apparent he had substance abuse issues, something that caused massive tension between us. He broke up with me suddenly a few months ago, and I was devastated. My depression was overwhelming as I felt like I had given him everything, and truly put his happiness before mine. I sent little gifts, I booked hotels, I sent messages if i thought he was feeling down. If this person who I tried so hard for doesn’t want me, who ever will? That question is sticking with me.

At the end, after the breakup, there was an incident whereby he put pressure on me as regards his mental health and safety. When he got what he wanted, he blocked me from all forms of contact. Again, I was crushed. I can’t reconcile this with the person I love.

Despite this, there was a significant amount of love and happiness in our relationship. This person means the world to me, and I’m devastated without him. I worry about him and his future constantly. I won’t contact him again, I understand boundaries and that he wants me out of his life, but I’m still very sad.

What did I do wrong here? Was I too much? Did I try too hard? I know I tolerated quite a bit, but I certainly wasn’t perfect on my end. I can be bit particular about how I like things, and I do enjoy when someone else organises things so maybe this put pressure on him. I can also be a bit judgemental of others behaviour if I feel it is childish, so I really did need to learn to relax. Any help you guys can give is appreciated.

LegacyUser

You did nothing wrong. It sounds like you e dodged a bullet there

My advice is stay away, he's likely that contact you looking for something. Don't do it.

It's easy to see when you're not in the situation, but this was a toxic relationship. You will see it in time. It doesn't stop you having a broken heart. The best thing for that us TLC and faking being happy until suddenly one day you find you are!

YellowLead

It sounds like you did your best to make things work, they didn’t, and you’ve had a lucky escape based on how you have described the other party’s behaviour. Allow yourself time to heal. Write it all down in a journal, or talk to a friend. You’re going to feel ****ty for a while, perhaps quite a while, so try and do something that makes you feel good. Buy yourself a present. You’re not alone....it’s hard, but please don’t think you are unloveable just because it didn’t work this one time.

Thinkingalot

Anon, I'm sorry that you're going through a breakup, that too during these horrible Covid times doesn't make it any easier.

You ask what did you do wrong? I don't want ti sou d mean and blunt, and my intention is absolutely not to hurt you, but to just offer a perspective. I think you've answered that question yourself. "Putting somebody else's happiness before yourself" This is where we end up going wrong and I am saying this from my personal experience. And I'm sorry but this is a hard lesson to learn. Putting somebody else's happiness before yours is only going to cause you hurt and pain.

Absolutely no harm in loving someone wholeheartedly but allowing them to walk all over you is in my opinion disrespecting yourself. I know you still care about them, but please reflect on your self respect and self worth. You deserve someone who can love you back just as much as what you're offering to the person and to the relationship, and not someone who claims to love you on their terms and conditions. Give yourself time, lots of time and care. You gave more than 100% of yourself to this person, maybe try giving the same to yourself first.
Things will get better, I promise you that. But give yourself plenty of time and care and know that you're worthy of whole-hearted love. Don't allow somebody's ****tty behaviour to affect your self worth.

I wish you peace and healing.

zoobizoo

Anonbreakup wrote: »

• He struggled to organise dates
• relied on me heavily for transport
• overall seemed a little self centred.
• I’m quite active and motivated, and he wouldn’t necessarily be the same.
• I was walking on eggshells.
• I was accused of being over emotional and dramatic.
• I was shouted down.
• I could never seem to make him happy
• He mocked me.
• I often felt embarrassed, and my feelings minimised.
• he had substance abuse issues,

If this person who I tried so hard for doesn’t want me, who ever will? That question is sticking with me.

What did I do wrong here? .

In answer to your first question, you tried hard with a drug abusing selfish manchild who made you feel like sh1t and not with a normal nice person. A normal nice person will want that.

In answer to your second question, what you did wrong was falling for a drug abusing selfish manchild who made you feel like sh1t and not falling for a normal nice person.


How hard is it to organise a date? To make a reservation for a place, book a table for 2 on a certain date at a certain time? Even the most disorganised people (and I include myself here) can do that. It's what adults do - especially if they want to show someone that they care.

If he isn't 'necessarily' motivated or active, I presume you mean that he is lazy and not motivated to do things.

I take it that he was organised enough to get sorted for his drugs of choice and motivated enough to do it and then active enough to call around to wherever.



You were dating a dick by the sounds of it and a mean dick at that.

There are plenty of nice guys out there who will take you out somewhere nice, treat you nice, respect your opinions and feelings and will want you for who you are.


Never put someone else's happiness above your own at such an early stage in a relationship - stand your ground. Respect yourself. Respect your feelings.



As I said to my then friend, now wife, when she was having issues with a previous boyfriend of 12 years... no man is worth the tear in your eyes. (the proper quote is: "No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry".


I think many of us have been in unsuitable relationships where our partner will do something or say something and we think "that's why I like them so much" and the whole relationship, regardless of how bad it is, is now justified because "oh, she did this one thing for me that makes me feel special" or "she said that funny thing to me once".

I think that you're looking now at the nice things he did (which don't seem like a whole lot) and discounting the horrible way he treated you (which does seem like a lot) because........... you are now single.

And when you meet someone nice, you'll look back at this encounter and feel angry that you put up with this guy's poor behaviour.


Look after yourself.

Porklife

Your thread title is somewhat inaccurate in my view Op, this doesn't sound like a messy breakup at all, it sounds like a lucky escape and clear as crystal. You don't have children or own property together unless you do and just didn't mention it but I fail to see what's messy about it. You are not compatible, he wasn't happy with you and it's over from what you've said.

Look at the list posted above Op. Is that your checklist for your dream guy? Now write a list of all you did for him. I bet it's a much nicer list.
You sound so lovely and considerate but unfortunately loving an addict (may be too strong a term but substance abuser/dependant) rarely ends well. I'm going through a break up at the moment too with a coke addict/alcoholic and I'm pregnant with his child so i know how hard it is. I feel constantly let down by him. It's a nightmare and if I wasn't pregnant I would never speak to him again. You deserve better than walking on eggshells and being mocked.
If you're emotional that does not equate to drama. Its called being human. Do not let him make you question yourself and put yourself down.

Find the strength of clarity to walk away and I promise you'll look back and be so glad that you did. He broke up with a gem...more fool him.
He let you go so you let him live with the consequences of that. You are gonna be fine and way happier without him. Just give it time.

Gekko

OP, sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you may have some issues around self-worth if you were prepared to overlook all those red flags you listed

Read back what you’ve written and you have mentioned 3 positives about him after “despite this” and then put “etc”

I get no sense whatsoever that he loved you or anything like that.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and you’re well rid of him

I have a friend who dated someone with substance abuse issues and it never ends well.

It’s always about them and on the surface they can seem like nice guys: some are masters of deception

It’s always all about them and they love creating drama.

This guy who dated my friend cheated on her multiple times, used various drugs, and she still stuck with him for a while before they split up.

This friend also has issues around self worth and being attracted to men who are ‘emotionally unavailable’ as she describes it

johnml

Porklife wrote: »

Find the strength of clarity to walk away and I promise you'll look back and be so glad that you did. He broke up with a gem...more fool him.
He let you go so you let him live with the consequences of that. You are gonna be fine and way happier without him. Just give it time.

+1
You do sound like a gem OP. As porklife said, give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

LegacyUser

Thisisnottgeoneforyou wrote: »

You did nothing wrong. It sounds like you e dodged a bullet there

My advice is stay away, he's likely that contact you looking for something. Don't do it.

It's easy to see when you're not in the situation, but this was a toxic relationship. You will see it in time. It doesn't stop you having a broken heart. The best thing for that us TLC and faking being happy until suddenly one day you find you are!

Thanks for this. I have been struggling to stay away but to be honest, after what he has done post-break up, he has made it much easier. I’m not sure he will reach out, he is quite stubborn like that, but I am proud that I did not respond to his “goodbye” message. I know it may seem silly, but I previously would have poured my heart out and embarrassed myself! Small wins

Big Bag of Chips

He sounds like your average manipulative alcohol/drug abuser. They are usually charming, and funny and when they've sucked you in they are generally very good at making you feel responsible for them. Making you feel responsible for their happiness, and their misery.

He will keep reeling you back in when he wants to play. When he needs a bit of attention. When he needs to prove to himself that he can still click his fingers and you'll come running. You need to make certain that he doesn't have access to you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because he doesn't view you as an equal (not just you, by the way, this will be a pattern in all his relationships). He just wants you for what he can get from you.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is block every avenue he has of contacting you again. You recognise in yourself that you let your guard down and you accepted questionable behaviour. So now you need to be strong and tell yourself you are not going to accept that anymore.

Trying to get answers from him, or trying to have your say to make him see your point of view is pointless. He doesn't care, and he'll have an answer for everything. This is less about you and more about the type of person he is. You got sucked in by a manipulative person. You certainly weren't the first or last. But now that you see that take steps to not let it happen again.

LegacyUser

YellowLead wrote: »

Allow yourself time to heal. Write it all down in a journal, or talk to a friend. You’re going to feel ****ty for a while, perhaps quite a while, so try and do something that makes you feel good. Buy yourself a present. You’re not alone....it’s hard, but please don’t think you are unloveable just because it didn’t work this one time.

This is wonderful advice, thank you I’m planning on climbing a big mountain next week (literally not metaphorically) for a bit of self care. I still do feel a bit like I gave it my absolute best, and it still wasn’t good enough. I was honestly so exhausted by the end, that I’m not even sure it would be worth trying another relationship ever again. The older I get the more draining they seem to become! I’m pretty sure I’m not special enough for all that anyway, and I don’t say that with any self-pity, just insight based on experience! I will give the journaling a go. I have already written him a letter I have no intention of sending and that that helped massively. Thanks again x

Big Bag of Chips

Anonbreakup wrote: »

I gave it my absolute best, and it still wasn’t good enough.

You just need to realise that this is probably how most people he has gone out with feel. He won't have been any different in how he was with you than how he was/is with others.

To use your own phrase, you're not "special enough" for him to have reserved this carry on just for you. He's a self-absorbed dick. He was a self-absorbed dick in previous relationship and he will be in future relationships. People with substance abuse issues usually are, because the priority is the substance, not their relationships.

He clearly has his own issues going on. But that's on him to sort out. He most likely however will hop from relationship to relationship making others feel responsible for helping him through his issues. Issues that he won't even admit he has.

It never works.

LegacyUser

Thinkingalot wrote: »

Anon, I'm sorry that you're going through a breakup, that too during these horrible Covid times doesn't make it any easier.

You ask what did you do wrong? I don't want ti sou d mean and blunt, and my intention is absolutely not to hurt you, but to just offer a perspective. I think you've answered that question yourself. "Putting somebody else's happiness before yourself" This is where we end up going wrong and I am saying this from my personal experience.

I wish you peace and healing.

You’re not being blunt at all! I think my perception of relationships is a bit skewed and that is something I am learning through listening to others. For me, I genuinely take my happiness from making others happy. It’s quite selfish in a way! What was hard here was nothing I did seemed to make him happy. He said something similar to you when I confided in him after our break up how low I was feeling and it stuck with me - “you are responsible for your own happiness”. Strangely echoes your very sound advice! Thank you

Big Bag of Chips

Anonbreakup wrote: »

He said something similar to you when I confided in him after our break up how low I was feeling and it stuck with me - “you are responsible for your own happiness”. Strangely echoes your very sound advice! Thank you

Except he said it in the context of... It's not up to me to treat you right. I can treat you as I like, if you're not happy about that, that's not my problem.

He wasn't giving you advice for yourself. He was absolving himself of any wrongdoing.

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

In answer to your first question, you tried hard with a drug abusing selfish manchild who made you feel like sh1t and not with a normal nice person. A normal nice person will want that.

How hard is it to organise a date? To make a reservation for a place, book a table for 2 on a certain date at a certain time? Even the most disorganised people (and I include myself here) can do that. It's what adults do - especially if they want to show someone that they care.

If he isn't 'necessarily' motivated or active, I presume you mean that he is lazy and not motivated to do things.

I take it that he was organised enough to get sorted for his drugs of choice and motivated enough to do it and then active enough to call around to wherever.

Never put someone else's happiness above your own at such an early stage in a relationship - stand your ground. Respect yourself. Respect your feelings.

I think that you're looking now at the nice things he did (which don't seem like a whole lot) and discounting the horrible way he treated you (which does seem like a lot) because........... you are now single.

And when you meet someone nice, you'll look back at this encounter and feel angry that you put up with this guy's poor behaviour.

Look after yourself.

Wow, I can’t believe you took the time out to write all this. Thank you so much! It’s funny, cos this advice would be what I would give a friend in the same situation. Even though I see the logic in it, I’m still struggling to accept that he just didn’t love me or appreciate what I did. Like you say, i still look back very fondly at our relationship, and even mentioning the bad things in the original post was hard. Yes, he never organised a date and yes, he was unemployed and did not seem motivated to find a job, but I feel like maybe my presence put pressure on him in this regard. I have a good job, a daily routine etc. and I think this affected his overall self-esteem. I would try to help and I don’t think he liked this very much. I should have stayed out of it.

I should also add he had a troubled early upbringing and his later experiences also exposed him to things that no child should need to live through. He had very little chance with the people around him. He had good qualities - he is intelligent, he is sweet, he can be kind. I was also unaware of the extent of his drug habit when I first began dating him, and he only recently admitted he is an addict. He could be a wonderful human being and I don’t want to see him unhappy, so my heart breaks for him right now. I don’t want everyone thinking he was all bad.

You have been so kind, and I know you’re right that the correct person won’t cause this much heartache. I’m just still struggling to accept that he wasn’t the one for me.

TheadoreT

Seems an endless amount of threads from women who were dumped by guys who were blatantly not that into them and treated them on a scale from poorly to awful but still think these guys were "the one". Throw in hoards of making bad excuses for poor behaviour and a large dollop of lacking self respect and you've the same story over and over again.

You really need to work on your confidence OP and act on the red flags you pick up or you'll be walked all over again in future relationships.

Your bodies chemical reaction to his hot and cold behaviour makes it feel euphoric in the good times but that's not down to him being anything special, it's just a release of tension from feeling otherwise anxious and **** most of the rest of the time. It's an addictive path to follow until you become fully cognizant of what's going on in your mind and stop the destructive patterns.

ILoveYourVibes

Did I try too hard?

yes

also your standards were not high enough.


He was overly self centered. He relied on you for transport. He had substance abuse issues. He shouted you down.

Imo he felt he could treat you any which way.

He couldn't get his life or a relationship together.

99nsr125

TheadoreT wrote: »

Seems an endless amount of threads from women who were dumped by guys who were blatantly not that into them and treated them on a scale from poorly to awful but still think these guys were "the one". Throw in hoards of making bad excuses for poor behaviour and a large dollop of lacking self respect and you've the same story over and over again.

You really need to work on your confidence OP and act on the red flags you pick up or you'll be walked all over again in future relationships.

Your bodies chemical reaction to his hot and cold behaviour makes it feel euphoric in the good times but that's not down to him being anything special, it's just a release of tension from feeling otherwise anxious and **** most of the rest of the time. It's an addictive path to follow until you become fully cognizant of what's going on in your mind and stop the destructive patterns.

There are better ways to put what you have said.


Simply a relationship should bring you happiness, company of other people will be nice and all but your relationship sould be the place you prefer to be. There will be good times and bad but you should never be afraid of the other person.

Jequ0n

Anonbreakup wrote: »

You’re not being blunt at all! I think my perception of relationships is a bit skewed and that is something I am learning through listening to others. For me, I genuinely take my happiness from making others happy. It’s quite selfish in a way! What was hard here was nothing I did seemed to make him happy. He said something similar to you when I confided in him after our break up how low I was feeling and it stuck with me - “you are responsible for your own happiness”. Strangely echoes your very sound advice! Thank you

You need to watch this or else you might end up in the same situation again with the next person. There is a difference between being caring/ supportive in general and in being a carer in a dysfunctional relationship in which one person is the taker and the other one the giver.

I might be off the mark here of course, only you will know if this is generally a trap you fall into.

Augme

I'd have to echo what others have said. Be careful about how much energy you put into making other people happy and how you go about doing that.

On the face of it you'd think anyone would love that in a partner, but me personally, I actually find it a turn off and I'd consider myself to be someone who does genuinely care about other people and making them happy too. However I also have enough self-respect to not waste my time and energy being caring about everyone, especially people who really don't deserve it.

I've seen people who will do anything for anyone and, to be blunt about it, it can be a huge turn off. And it's a turn off because it normally means they don't have enough self-respect for themselves and they are happy to be treated like a doormat. If you don't value your own qualities, your own time, your own energy and your own worth then don't expect anyone else to.

If you want to happy people happy and "fix" people. Make a job out of it by doing work or else volunteer with a charity and actually give those skills where it will make a difference on a much larger and more significant scale.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You just need to realise that this is probably how most people he has gone out with feel. He won't have been any different in how he was with you than how he was/is with others.

To use your own phrase, you're not "special enough" for him to have reserved this carry on just for you. He's a self-absorbed dick. He was a self-absorbed dick in previous relationship and he will be in future relationships. People with substance abuse issues usually are, because the priority is the substance, not their relationships.

He clearly has his own issues going on. But that's on him to sort out. He most likely however will hop from relationship to relationship making others feel responsible for helping him through his issues. Issues that he won't even admit he has.

It never works.

I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to give advice. As it has since transpired I am learning a little bit more about it and slowly coming to the conclusion he is not the person I thought he was. He definitely has some problems, as do we all, but he is not willing or motivated to work on them. Your posts really made me think about what I was saying and I just wanted to thank you

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Sorry for disappearing, things became a bit overwhelming. I received another text a few days later about an issue that is unresolved. It came across as supportive, but I did not respond as I was fully committed to moving forward and only contacting him if the situation required it. The next day, I got a call. I was concerned so I answered the third time it rang. I stood my ground, and said it now seemed like I was under attack and I would not stand for it. This seemed to knock sense into him, and we ended up having a nice conversation where he said he would not lose it on me again and was sorry. Fast forward three days later, and when I provided an update, guess what happened? He started saying deeply upsetting things about my personality and my intentions. I was being accused of disgusting things and he visibly enjoyed it when I cried.

That was it for me. I snapped and stood up for myself. Between this, posters telling me to concentrate on myself and work on my self esteem that’s exactly what I’ll do. Unfortunately my self-esteem was slowly eroded during the course of this relationship and I am not the person I was before. I doubted my sanity, but that won’t happen anymore. I have to contact him one last time to let him know the outcome of something, but once that is done, I’ll be running (not walking) away.

I know a poster said that feeling and acting responsible for others happiness can be a turn off, and I understand it can be overwhelming, but I won’t let this take away one of the few parts of me I still like which is my tendency to be kind. I work in the caring industry and volunteer already so I channel them productively too. I just don’t want to lose any more of my identity to this person. Thank you to everyone who responded, you have all been so sweet.

YellowLead

So good to read your message OP. Well done for standing up for yourself - god knows it’s not easy!!! But once you start to do it you’ll get stronger and there’ll be no danger you will let him in again. Well done it will take time to re-build your self esteem but you have taken the first steps! And you are keeping a positive attitude- you can be caring and strong at the same time.

Zebrag

You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you done more than what someone is supposed to tolerate. In normal circumstances, one would up and leave. Know their worth and simply say "I'm not going to be treated like a doormat" but the thing about love is, sometimes we can't help who we love and feel that it's our responsibility to fix the other person from their imperfections. Sometimes it works, other times it's circles and roundabouts and this is exactly what's going on.

He knows how to pull at your heart strings. He knows what words to use to put you on the guilt trip you probably don't find yourself on because you love him and think you're in his life to help him.

Don't get me wrong, you're not silly for feeling this way and in all honestly sometimes it's hard to not love the person who is deemed a burden or has a negative impact. Its like an instint that we need to help this person and we need to be there for them but unfortunately the case is the other way around. You don't need him and you certainly don't need to feel you've to question whether there's been red flags or if you've done anything wrong

Especially when you say you feel you have to walk on eggshells and calls you over emotional. So what if you're over emotional? You shouldn't have to apologise for this. Would showing emotion be such a bad thing? You've the right to defend yourself in an argument and especially when it comes to relationships, arguments are bound to happen but to say you're over emotional and expect you to snap out of it so you can listen to him instead? To me that's him being self centered. His opinions mean more than yours. His emotions are more important than yours.... According to him.

No one can make the choice for you and only you know him well and only you know how you feel. I can sit here and tell you that no one is worth being degraded by someone who clearly has the lack of intelligence to understand what emotions are or how to communicate like an adult. If he firmly believes he's Billy big boy because he can treat you how he does then trust me, he wouldn't be brave enough to speak to someone like that that's above him (someone who doesn't tolerate bullish*t) He would cower like a child once he meets someone who would put him in his place.

That my dear is bullying and a narcissistic.

Only you can decided what it is you want to do but like other posters have stated, people like this guy, won't change. Maybe he could if you done something to make him realise that he's lost you or is lossing you but the end reality of it is, he will continue what he's doing because he knows what words to use. He knows what actions to take.

Look, if he genuinely had the mental capacity to know there's someone in his life willing to stand by his side on good and bad days, he would organise a walk to the local centra if he had that much taught and consideration. From your post OP it seems to me that it's him and him only and regardless if you have been perfect or not, screaming and shouting and degrading emotions during arguments seems to me that he really hasn't a clue.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP. This is something I do myself when someone "jilts" or "rejects" me, so I can kind of identify with him here (it doesn't mean that I sympathize).


Whatever you need to clarify/ communicate has to be final stroke after which you will need to block all communication channels. Only you will know if the final bit that requires communication really needs to be done


These games only work on people who are susceptible to them and he will know that. That doesn't mean that you are stupid or naive, it just means that you are emotionally available (most people are).


I wouldn't even call him up on the gaslighting because you will get hurt with every discussion and question yourself more. Just accept that your principles do not apply to him and shut everything down. You will hear more, probably different tactics, but do not engage. He will "need help" at some stage because that's what seems to trigger you. Don't ever engage with it because you will lose and it's nothing but a game.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, don't change who you are. The world needs more kindness.

Just be more selective

qwerty13

Don’t let this experience change your positive outlook on life OP, but I think you really do need to be more concerned with defining your own happiness than letting your happiness be defined by how you can make others happy. It’s a very kind thing to do, but it’s terribly self-effacing too, and I would see that as an issue in terms of how you dealt with this guy. You’re talking about how what you gave just wasn’t good enough for him, whereas I believe your mindset should be how he just wasn’t good enough for you.

Kindness is a great trait to have. But defining your happiness by what you bring to others almost erases your own needs, and can get you into a cycle of people pleasing that gives little pleasure and causes much anguish to you. You said that you put his happiness ahead of your own. What’s that about. This allows someone to behave badly, but encourages the perception that it’s ‘your fault’ that they’re not happy. This is not a good way to be OP. We’re all responsible for our own happiness. Don’t assign your happiness to the whims or moods of others.

For what it’s worth, I think if you focus more on your own needs and wants, you wouldn’t have spent so long with this guy. He may have times where he ‘rewards’ you with saying nice things, but it sounds like he whips that away like a rug from under your feet.

I really think you need to reconsider that your happiness is defined by making others happy. Now maybe you only are somewhat like that, as in not 100% of the time. But if you were primarily focused on what is right or happy for you, then I don’t think you’d have put up with this guy for so long.

Dog day

Well done OP, I’ve been following this thread but didn’t yet feel compelled to weigh in as the good people of Boards have already provided some great words of wisdom.

Bravo on taking the power back whilst being mindful of being yourself, never lose that wonderful tendency to be kind & caring, though we don’t give to get in this life someday you’ll meet someone fantastic who will appreciate you for who you are.

A new year & a fresh & stronger start for you, leave him in the past where he belongs.

Wishing you every happiness.

Neyite

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, don't change who you are. The world needs more kindness.

Just be more selective

Exactly. Do that. I'm not saying be selfish or uncaring, but don't waste those wonderful qualities on someone who doesn't appreciate them.

I think you are also falling for the assumption that the behaviour that you show to someone gets reciprocated. I used to feel that if I was more compliant, more easy going, more helpful or agreeable I was helping the relationship but all I was doing really was slowly killing it and losing myself in the process. Remember the airline emergency rule "put your own mask on first"? It's similar to that. Check your own feelings or views first. Acknowledge them. So, for example if a date is late, the old me would have sat there like a tool waiting for them to turn up, and pretend it didn't bother me when they finally did show. The new me, texted after 15 minutes saying that I was leaving and we could reschedule for another time if he was held up. That date didn't leave me sitting waiting and wondering again. Giving respect to someone doesn't translate in them returning it. Showing them that you expect to be respected and that in return you'll respect them works far better - if the person isn't willing to respect you and your feelings then the relationship will never be a worthwhile one so you might as well start as you mean to go on and if it means the relationship is short-lived it's far better than dragging it on and pretending you are happy when you really aren't.

It's finding the balance between knowing your worth and channelling it towards the people who appreciate your worth. He had no appreciation for what a great person you are. You could have been the best thing that ever happened to him but his own issues screwed that up. And you are well out of it anyway.