Am I depressed or is everybody in same boat?

LegacyUser

I'm wondering if I'm depressed or experiencing a pretty standard across the board dip in mood that many many others are at the moment.

I have a busy job, I work from home since March. I am also in the second year of a 2 year masters. I've a child under 1 and another on the way. Life is busy and stressful.

Coming up to Christmas I simply couldn't wait for a break from it all, no work, no college assignments. Two weeks off.

Now I've a week and a half of that behind me and I'm not really feeling much better. I feel very down. Tired. A bit hopeless. I think dark evenings, cold weather, rain are all playing their part. I know it'll all be okay, but I'm so tired.

I love the baby, she's so good and I genuinely get a smile from her as she's a great girl, the first half of her life was terrible reflux, non stop crying for hours a day. May have left me a little shell shocked. And my wife. She's living groundhog day a bit. Wash rinse repeat. Over and over.

Baby is now sleeping through the night, but sharing bed with pregnant wife who isn't, tossing and turning. She's awake so I wake. No spare room, but sometimes during the night I move to the couch.

My wife is brilliant, but she too is finding it hard, pregnant soon after having a baby, minding a baby while growing a new one can't be easy.

Our relationship is doing pretty well, holding up good, there are cracks I guess from being around each other all the time, but nothing I'm worried about.

I try get out to walk the dogs daily, 20-30mins.

I don't know, I just feel very down, the Christmas break hasn't provided a lift and work looms around the corner on 4th January, and college back shortly after. I'll manage, I always do I guess, but, feel sad.

YellowLead

You should give yourself a big pat on the back. Holding down a busy job, having a new baby in the house AND studying all at once would be a lot for anyone. I don’t know how you do it! It sounds like life is hard for you right now, it is all work and chores and there seem to be few treats to look forward too - so of course you are going to feel down. You’ve looked forward to your time off so much and now it seems like an anti climax. Is there any treat you can plan for, even something small?

Goodigal

You sound like you're doing a great job. And have such lovely words of respect for your wife and love for your baby. I suppose we are all a little fed up with pandemic life. There really is no end in sight so it's hard to plan a trip or a night out. And that's incredibly hard because I think most people like to have something on the calendar to look forward to.
You've been home working for months, so being home for holidays has no real 'escape from work' feel to it. Which is a pity. Keep getting out for your walks and just take each day as it comes. Time flies with children so try to be present for it as much as you can. And fair play to you for working and doing the masters. Not easy!

TheadoreT

Can you remember a time you were happy? If so what were the elements of your life at the time that attributed to it?

If not and you've always felt a bit empty maybe you should start being more honest with yourself and start living for yourself and not others. Are you attracted to your wife? Are you attracted to women? Often this deep sense of unfulfillment is due to living a lie. You've a lot of riches in your life that many can't have and would love to so to be this sad considering your luck it's worth finding the true source.

wiggle16

TheadoreT wrote: »

Can you remember a time you were happy? If so what were the elements of your life at the time that attributed to it?

If not and you've always felt a bit empty maybe you should start being more honest with yourself and start living for yourself and not others. Are you attracted to your wife? Are you attracted to women? Often this deep sense of unfulfillment is due to living a lie. You've a lot of riches in your life that many can't have and would love to so to be this sad considering your luck it's worth finding the true source.

Mod:
TheadoreT, I think you have made a whole lot from very little there, to say the least - remember that there is a real person behind every OP, so please focus on the issue as the OP has presented it when posting. Thanks.

Indestructable

Holy God that last post was way off course.

OP, you're doing incredibly well in genuinely tough circumstances.

IMO you're not alone in feeling down at the moment. I am finding things tough like I never, ever did before. Every little negative is exacerbated by what's going on at the moment and the positives are fewer and harder to appreciate.

It does sound like you've got things that a lot of people would do anything for, and I know it's tough going but things will improve.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all replies, appreciated. But this one confounds me a bit..

TheadoreT wrote: »

Are you attracted to your wife? Are you attracted to women? Often this deep sense of unfulfillment is due to living a lie. You've a lot of riches in your life that many can't have and would love to so to be this sad considering your luck it's worth finding the true source.

Yes, I am attracted to my wife. We're together best part of a decade, married half that, so naturally enough things aren't as "hot" as they were at first, throw in a few pregnancies and miscarriages and naturally enough things aren't going to be as physical as they were, but we're both hopeful in time that it will return. She's not much in the mood lately for physical intimacy, but she's midway through a pregnancy, I can completely understand that. We've talked about it and we both are looking forward to rekindling that side of things a bit when she's had the baby and recovers from it.

I can't imagine how I've given the impression I'm gay, but, no I'm not.

I apologise to those who wish for what I have, yes I do feel guilty for still feeling sad when I have a loving partner and family. Its not that I'm ungrateful for that, I'm truly not.

Maybe it's the perceived lack of freedom since a baby and covid arrived simultaneously, everything is exhaustingly planned.

simongurnick

Hey man. Might sound odd but the father can get post partum depression too. Combine that with all the life changes of covid and then, yes you very well might be experiencing a form of depression.
I've battled depression for years and am actually doing pretty good the past 2 years or so. Biggest mistake I made was not seeking help earlier and I really had to admit to myself that I was depressed, so even making this post is a good start.
My advice is to go to your GP and discuss how you feel. There is no quick fix for this so be prepared to try a few different things. Also ensure you openly discuss with your wife. My wife just thought I had turned into a miserable prick before I told her how I felt.
In the meantime three small things that help me are simple breathing exercises, positive affirmations (what am I grateful for) and trying to live in the moment.
All the best mate. You will get through this.

Terrontress

It's tough, man. A lot of people are finding it difficult. Many of those aren't letting it show.

Good on you for having the courage to question yourself.

My only qualification to pass comment on your situation is that you are asking about it and I am a random stranger on the internet but here goes...

We all get situational depression from time to time. Things get on top of us. But the difference with yours is that your stressors are all good things. Supporting your wife and child, providing a solid home by working, bettering yourself by getting a Masters. When you look back in time, you will recognise how well you have done. You won't regret a thing.

Christmas has been tough this year! We need Christmas to get us through the dark days of the year. While we have had the time to reflect, we haven't had the company that we usually have at Christmas.

If you ask me, you're doing well. Don't change anything that you are doing. Just take a bit more time to appreciate what a good job you are doing and stick at it.

juneg

For a young couple ye are both doing a fantastic job. I remember when my husband was doing a masters . We were both working full time with small kids too. Very busy days indeed. Be kind to yourselves. Its not easy and theres a lot more hard work to come. Parenting young children and working is emotionally draining at the best of times not to mind now during covid when tensions are heightened and ye dont have the freedom to go to a hotel for a few days.
I really missed not having a summer holiday this year. We always went on the ferry to France with the kids. Half the fun was planning it and looking forward to it for the year. I was awful upset at having been nowhere and having no trip to look forward to.
So find a way to keep your spirits up if you can look forward to better times.

tara73

for me it sounds you have simply too much on your plate, you're overburdened and your body(your mind) is showing you your limits what your conscious mind won't acknowledge.

why do you need to do this master now? I would suggest to postpone it. You have a steady job, should be possible to wait till the kids are a bit older and in some creche and covid is kind of history with people vaccinated.

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

IMO I don’t think it matters whether it’s labelled depression or not. My life circumstances are very very similar to yours & the last year has been tough. I too have a lot to be thankful for but I’m also tired, worn down. I hate working from home it feels impossible to switch off a lot of the time. Plus young kids as fantastic as they are take up a huge amount of time & energy.

If you can afford it a few counselling sessions might give you a much needed change of scene & a chance to just offload a little.

Be kind to yourself.

IamtheWalrus

I recently joined a new team in work and began a 2 year course. The beginning was rough and I felt overwhelmed at time and it left me SO TIRED. I couldn’t think straight, felt low, felt like I was drowning. And that’s without children. After a while I settled into my team in work and after a while I’m my course it settled down and I’m back on top of things. My advice is to make sure you’re getting the rest you need, as hard as that might be in your situation. Show yourself some compassion. We’re in uncharted territory with this pandemic.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I'm in a much different place in my life than you are, but I really relate you how you are feeling. I think a lot of people were really looking forward to this christmas, and while expectations were much lower, and different, from what we were used to, it was still a disappointment for a lot of people.
Maybe depression isn't the right word for what you are experiencing, is general fatigue, sick of this sh*t a more accurate assessment?
I think you and your wife are both living different versions of groundhog day, and I get how maybe you both don't want to bring the other down by complaining, but I think its well worth you both being really honest about how you're feeling.
You have so much positives in your life - kids, a job, the ability and drive to do a masters, a good relationship with your wife, so try to focus on this. Still acknowledge that your life around these things might not feel great right now, but make sure you consider all you have in the background.
You really are doing great. Things will improve. I'd just try not to clap labels on how you're feeling, and try and think of small changes you could maybe make to improve your days - January is going to be difficult for a lot of people. We're all in the same boat with these feelings I think. Be nice to yourself!!

ILoveYourVibes

Jill's Dad wrote: »

I'm wondering if I'm depressed or experiencing a pretty standard across the board dip in mood that many many others are at the moment.



I don't know, I just feel very down, the Christmas break hasn't provided a lift and work looms around the corner on 4th January, and college back shortly after. I'll manage, I always do I guess, but, feel sad.

What do you want to do?

Don't feel that you need a go ahead to get help if you want. Its up to you. Its really more what you feel comfortable doing.

Do you want to be evaluated by a professional?

Would you want to consider antidepressants with that professional or just simply would you like to know they are available?

Do you want to simply talk to a friend? But at the same time ...you can't really talk to a friend because we can't see friends?

Eat well. Exercise. Sleep 8 hrs. Listen to good music.

You see its not so much if others can say you are ok you dont need to see anyone. Can you say you are ok and you don't need to see anyone?

If you can say to yourself ...im ok ..i don't need /want to see anyone. That's the best voice to listen to.



If your loved ones can say that ..even better.

If there is a little voice saying 'I want to talk to someone' ..listen to that voice.

I can't advise you whether to see someone or not. I can only say ..listen to your gut instinct.

I think you need to sit down with yourself. And listen to yourself...listen to your inner voice on the matter.

Be kind to yourself.

HildaOgdenx

tara73 wrote: »

for me it sounds you have simply too much on your plate, you're overburdened and your body(your mind) is showing you your limits what your conscious mind won't acknowledge.

why do you need to do this master now? I would suggest to postpone it. You have a steady job, should be possible to wait till the kids are a bit older and in some creche and covid is kind of history with people vaccinated.

That was my first thought also. That's a huge amount of stuff all going on at once.

Taking the studies out of the equation for now, until the children are older, and there is some degree of normality restored to the outside world, might well be the best thing to do.
At the very least, check what the options are, in relation to postponing/deferring.

I recommend speaking with your GP, asap, and taking things from there.
All the best.

shesty

A child under 1 and another on the way?Your wife is just surviving right now, and that is it, I can tell you.And the few little things that make parenting a small child survivable -the breast feeding groups, the meeting friends where possible, the getting out and about to have an odd meal or evening off - all gone.I am the mother of 3 smallies, working, and this situation is really hard on me and them and my relationship.Quite frankly it is s*%t. Christmas is a nice break to not have to look at a laptop but, it is not really a break when you have small kids...days still start at 7am, you still have to run with their routine, and your options for outings are limited, and now they are practically non-existent.And anything that allows parents to get some adult time is effectively gone.

You might not be depressed by definition, but feeling down is totally understandable.I suggest talking to someone if you need to just get it off your chest - my workplace has an employee asisstance programme which offers free confidential counselling, and they say they are very busy right now.So you are not the only one and you are better to talk to someone now, and do it before the next child arrives, because it won't become any easier.

paddylonglegs

shesty wrote: »

A child under 1 and another on the way?Your wife is just surviving right now, and that is it, I can tell you.And the few little things that make parenting a small child survivable -the breast feeding groups, the meeting friends where possible, the getting out and about to have an odd meal or evening off - all gone.I am the mother of 3 smallies, working, and this situation is really hard on me and them and my relationship.Quite frankly it is s*%t. Christmas is a nice break to not have to look at a laptop but, it is not really a break when you have small kids...days still start at 7am, you still have to run with their routine, and your options for outings are limited, and now they are practically non-existent.And anything that allows parents to get some adult time is effectively gone.

You might not be depressed by definition, but feeling down is totally understandable.I suggest talking to someone if you need to just get it off your chest - my workplace has an employee asisstance programme which offers free confidential counselling, and they say they are very busy right now.So you are not the only one and you are better to talk to someone now, and do it before the next child arrives, because it won't become any easier.

This is great advice and is coming from the right place

SmallgirlBigcity

Hey, I could have written this except I'm the girlfriend and I'm not pregnant. But we do have a 1 year old baby, and we're both working from home. Like you, our relationship is okay but we have found the past year very hard. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I think a lot of people are feeling the same way. I keep wondering if I should try counselling and then I feel like everyone is in the same boat, so why bother. Do what is right for you and definitely speak to a counsellor if you feel it might help. Talking about these things always helps.

Going into the near year, me and my boyfriend plan on carving out a bit more time for ourselves, when possible. It's so hard to find a minute isn't it. But we are really going to try find 30 mins each day, individually, to exercise and have that time to ourselves. I think that'll really help us. It's been such a tough year and it has definitely affected me personally. I've had some very down days and usually I'm a very happy, positive person. Hang in there. I'm so sure that brighter days are coming. I hope this helped.

SmallgirlBigcity

Also, I just wanted to add that we found it hard to adjust to the routine of a baby as well. I love that the baby has a routine because he's taken to it so well but it does make the day boring and predictable and hard on the parents. It helps to remind myself that living like this is not normal and it's okay to feel down about it. We don't have the usual social outlets that we would normally have to boost our mood. Fingers crossed things get better in the next few months.

12gauge dave

I think the pressure of us always having to better ourselves with degrees promotions mortgages cars and savings leaves us unable to enjoy today as we feel what we are doing is never good enough.

barney shamrock

OP you may have something known as a dysthymic personality rather than depression.
Brent Pope suffers from it and has spoken about it at length.
Its interesting reading and worth investigating.
It's like a feeling of constant glumness and dissatisfaction rather than a deep depression.
I can relate to a lot that's in this article and found it very interesting and helpful.

https://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/brent-battles-his-half-empty-heart-28953056.html

Aaron15

Hi Op.

Like you, I have a 1 year old , a full time job, a house and a fiancé to look after, all while doing a 2 year course. So I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been wanting to just read a book for the last few months and simply can’t find the time. I too get excited to just walk the dog, to get out. But I just keep thinking that I’m working toward a better life for me and my family, that’s why I’m putting all this stress and pressure on myself, cause one day I won’t have all
The stress , at least I hope. But keep your head up, keep moving forward, you’ll get to the place you want to be.

LegacyUser

Hi Jill's Dad,
it probably has a lot to do with exhaustion - mental and physical. I remember there were days I would just cry at the smallest of things or maybe for no reason at all. Similar to you my two were born very close together. So let me flag this now - if you don't have some sort of the respite (can yours or your wife's parents look after the baby for a night or during a Saturday or Sunday?)
My wife would express milk and keep it in the fridge so that we could both have a drink. You are both taking on a lot and no-one seems to flag the depletion of energy levels or the need for breaks. You and your wife's mental radar will be stretched with a second child so prepare now. Take vitamin supplements to boost energy. Have a disciplined regime so that you can turn off mentally. Myself and my wife used to 'tag-team' parent so that both of us could get extended periods of rest, especially with the feeds.
Have you taken parental leave? You should also remember that where you work is now also where you live - psychologically this can be mentally draining when you are not used to it.
In short - rest, have something to look forward to, use your time wisely - don't be afraid to ask for assistance or time off.

Dark Phoenix

Give yourself a break OP. You are going through a lot while handling a lot. Depression is complex - I would always make the difference between depression cause by chemical Imbalance regardless of circumstance and depression triggered by a specific cause where it’s a logical consequence of those circumstances, I think a lot of people are going through the latter over the past ten months and it’s a rational response to uncertainty, tiredness and trying to juggle many things.

bitofabind

Google the 5 stages of burnout OP. A lot of not most of the symptoms will resonate.

You are burned out and so are many of us right now. January sucks. January during a third and strongest wave of a year-old pandemic is brutal beyond measure. All of the coping mechanisms we would usually rely on to get through a dark month have disappeared. No gym, no social events, no leaving the house without a feeling of impending doom and gloom. No date nights with the wife or babysitting during these tighter restrictions.

I've got about half of the life stresses that you do, a busy job, impending country move and tears are never far for me. Some days I just do not get my sh1t together at all and if I respond to 5 emails I'm doing well. I've come to terms with that and am ok with having unproductive days and that's just how it goes. There's more to life than work. I'm a human trying to survive and deal with ridiculous work targets at an incredibly stressful time, not a robot. Try to cut yourself the same slack. The 30 min walks are a great thing for you. Try to keep that up. Is there anything you can do to lessen the load with the Masters? Can you defer the year or go part-time? What do you need to make this hectic period of your life more manageable?

What helps for me is to take it day-by-day and try to stop and breathe in those more stressful moments. Literally step away from your laptop, go into a different room, and take ten deep breaths. Ask yourself what you need in that moment. Sometimes just breathing will help. Sometimes it's a walk in the fresh air, a glass of water, a chat with your partner. You'll be grand.

popa smurf

Short term pain for long term gain OP, no right time in your life to have kids and small kids are hard work and draining not too many admit that only on line, we were changing nappies here for 10 years 4 kids, so the last nappy was a massive celebration. We moved from dublin to west of ireland at the start of the biggest recession that this country has ever seen but 15 years on we survived and thrived and it was a great move. Funny thing I can't even remember those sleepless nights now, we hadn't that many because it was all in to the one bed, mad stuff for a while.we did it our way.

bertiebomber

defer your masters for a year and try to just do your work and be a good family man 2 kids under 1 is a tough for any human walk the dogs take some you time read a book do something that is not urgent. Your whole life is a series of urgencies and it will take its toll on you and you might have a breakdown put on the brake a bit and smell the flowers, you are driving yourself too hard. You are a human not a machine just breathe !