Girlfriend is accusing over social media

LegacyUser

Hey,

So about a month ago my girlfriend did a bit of snooping on my Instagram following to see what kind of posts I liked and she saw some pictures of girls who I know from school, work etc. (We are both 23) that I liked. She said that she wasn’t comfortable with me liking other girl’s photos. I said fine that’s no problem, it won’t happen again as her happiness means the world to me. Fast forward to now and she randomly started accusing me of lying to her and saying that she can’t trust me any more etc. I asked her why is she saying these things and she kept saying that I should know and she is sick of telling me things over and over again. I asked her again what the issue was and finally, after her beating around the bush for hours, she just sent me screenshots of posts I liked from well before the date she told me she wasn’t comfortable with it and started having a go at me for lying to her.

I said that these posts are from well before she mentioned she wasn’t comfortable with it and I haven’t liked any posts in the meantime. She is now accusing me of hiding stuff from her? She hasn’t been feeling amazing lately and does suffer from anxiety and very occasional depression. I’m trying to be diligent and respectful in my approach to this issue but she is making things a lot harder than they need to be, especially when I haven’t done anything wrong. I have never once cheated on her or nor intended to as I am crazy about her but this behaviour is driving me crazy.

Dial Hard

She's being an entitled little drama llama. Anxiety and/or depression are not reasons or excuses for crappy behaviour.

How long are you together, may I ask? I suspect it's not that long and I can pretty much guarantee this kind of behaviour is only going to escalate.

You need to have a long, hard think about whether you're willing to put up with this. I have no idea why anyone does, tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

She's either really really insecure, and no amount of reassuring you do will change that. Or she's cheating on you, or considering cheating on you and is judging you by her own low standards.

You are the one best placed to decide which she is. But, even if this is down to anxiety, depression and insecurities then you have to accept that you are not qualified to guide her through that.

The more you enable her accusations by listening to her and trying to convince her the more oxygen you are giving to her argument.

If you've done nothing wrong then you tell her that. Once. And you tell her you don't like that she has such a low opinion of you that she continues to accuse you of lying and wrongdoing after you've told her what actually happened.

Be very very careful. This sounds like someone who has the potential to stop you seeing your friends because of her insecurities. She's 23. She needs to deal with her own issues, not push them off to make them someone else's responsibility.

Jequ0n

Totally controlling behaviour. So she is aware that she has issues with anxiety and depression? Then she needs to deal with it because it shouldn’t be your problem.

Personally I’d already have a problem if anyone had decided to snoop around on my social media profile, but the screenshots are taking it to a new level

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Run as fast as you can. Shes borderline abusive and your a wimp who won't have her respect

seenitall

Harmoni Cuddly Sieve wrote: »

Run as fast as you can. Shes borderline abusive and your a wimp who won't have her respect

Yes, pretty much this. Your gf will only learn to put a muzzle on her insecurities (which can so easily veer into abusive behaviour), once she loses a decent man or two over it. No other cure for it, I’m afraid. It’s called maturing, and some people, unfortunately, never even get there.

You have been more than fair and accomodating to her insecurity so far, but there is only so much peace that your appeasing behaviour can buy you, I’m afraid. She is a head-wreck and she will be wrecking your head for as long as you are with her. You can choose to stay for now, but I guaranteee you that you will be walking in future. So save yourself time and grief. Get rid now.

Newsflash. You are an adult and you have every right to follow who you like on Instagram and like whatever posts you like.

Tell her to stop with the BS, sort out her own insecurities and stop trying to make you over into her lapdog. Taking screenshots of your phone, sending them to herself, then throwing them back in your face is crazy town stuff.

I have no idea why anyone puts up with such controlling behaviour. Have you considered how much she is disrespecting you, by implying you can't be trusted?

Run, run, run.

Sonic the Shaghog

I was once in your position with someone this insecure.

You're young at 23 and have had not much life experience most likely.

Let me tell you all your attempts at placating are not going to work and frankly bar the initial discussion it's not normal for her to be going mad constantly.

You'll get to a stage where you are going to be walking on egg shells over not breaking one of her rules. As soon as you are doing well with these she'll find yet another "problem" that you need to correct your behaviour on.

Even if she does respect you, she has serious issues and honestly you are not going to fix them and you must understand all that you are doing is not something anyone should have to do either to make their partner feel better, it's not normal.

I think while the rare one may realize and get help, the above poster saying she'll only cop on and mature when she keeps getting dumped for her behaviour is right.

You are not in normal relationship, you are in crazy destructive for your health one and in time may even become fully fledged abusive if you keep enabling her.

Tork

Somebody had a thread here recently where his girlfriend was monitoring everything coming into his phone due to trust issues (and a back story). Even his WhatsApps were being read because she had the desktop version on her computer. What you're describing here is not right and it is a slippery slope. While I have every sympathy for people who are genuinely suffering from mental health issues, I also think some folk use labels like anxiety and depression to excuse their bad behaviour.

leggo

To mildly play Devil’s advocate for a second, her base concern isn’t completely invalid. Liking someone’s pics on Insta in 2020 is pretty much how you tell someone you’re interested: like the pic, if they like one of yours back then it’s a greenlight to take the chat to DMs. And on Insta in particular a lot of pics are posted for this specific purpose. It’s a language unto itself that everyone of a certain age knows but can seem like nothing because it doesn’t mean the same thing if you do it on Facebook, for example. I think that’s getting lost a bit here, maybe people just don’t know this?

I’d consider keeping ‘Plan B’s’ (people you’re keeping sweet just in case you become single at the same time in the future) as on the lower end of cheating, so if you were doing that then that’s extremely poor form and you’ve got a handful of blame to share here for the situation you find yourself in. To the point that if you were liking loads of these pics while together with her, I’d see her as young and naive but you as almost worse.

Having said that, you can’t live the way she is and it’s way out of line. You either trust someone or you don’t, and if that trust is broken and steps are taken to rebuild it, the same logic applies. I don’t think the two of you are well suited, whatever the case. She’s not letting this go and doesn’t seem like she’s going to be amenable to flipping her POV that she’s actually the one who’s in the wrong now. You’ve at least taken steps and responsibility for your part. If she’s not willing to meet you halfway and let you breathe then there’s sadly nowhere to go. Nothing good will come from you tolerating and accepting this behaviour, you’ve addressed her issues already and the only healthy way forward is to heal so you can build back trust, which she’s not allowing with this. Put it back to her that this needs to stop now and, if it doesn’t, this is going nowhere.

dzsfah2xoynme9

I'm so glad social media wasn't a thing when I was younger..

MmmmmCheese

leggo wrote: »

Liking someone’s pics on Insta in 2020 is pretty much how you tell someone you’re interested: like the pic, if they like one of yours back then it’s a greenlight to take the chat to DMs.

Disagree with this completely. It would completely depend on the picture in question. If it’s a bikini pic or a pic in a revealing outfit with a suggestive pose, sure there might be ulterior motives, but if it was just a picture of them with their dog or whatever would you say the same thing? I know I’ve liked many a picture of friends male and female and vise versa without them sliding into my dms.

So OP what kind of photos were you liking?

notsoyoungwan

“Trust issues from a past relationship” and “anxiety and depression” (typically not actually diagnosed by a professional) are two reasons often trotted out for behaviour such as that she’s displaying. In reality, they are poor excuses for what is actually quite controlling behaviour which will only get worse.

Sonic’s post above about walking on eggshells and there being ever new and more restrictive rules is so accurate. I wish I had known this in my 20s, it would have saved me a few years of hassle and upset- I found myself in a relationship that would now be considered coercive control. The thing about this is that it can be very insidious to start with, you don’t realise the significance of relatively minor things, and suddenly you’ve sleep-walked into a toxic situation.

My advice to you op woukd be to get rid of this girl ASAP. She will not enhance your life. Also, you state that ‘her happiness means the world’ to you. Be careful with sentiments like that. It sounds noble and admirable and self-sacrificing and like a declaration of true love but if you approach a relationship like that you may well end up in a situation where you are being manipulated with statements like “if you loved me you’d do...” etc and you’ll lose all sense of yourself. It’s ok to have your own boundaries and lines in the sand.

Edited to add- not for one second am I saying that those who genuinely have anxiety and or depression are controlling abusive partners. I’m saying that a lot of controlling people claim to have anxiety or depression and use this as an excuse to justify their behaviour.

leggo

MmmmmCheese wrote: »

Disagree with this completely. It would completely depend on the picture in question. If it’s a bikini pic or a pic in a revealing outfit with a suggestive pose, sure there might be ulterior motives, but if it was just a picture of them with their dog or whatever would you say the same thing? I know I’ve liked many a picture of friends male and female and vise versa without them sliding into my dms.

Literally the next sentence after you stopped the quote was saying there’s a particular type of post for this purpose. Obviously if you like a picture of a dog you’re not saying you find the dog attractive and want to slip into its DMs. :pac:

ManOfMystery

I've been in your shoes. Older and more assertive now, but if I had a magical time machine that could take me back to my early 20s, I'd tell my younger self : stop taking crap like this.

If you want to like photos of your friends and work colleagues - regardless if they are male or female - then do so. Do NOT apologise for it, because the moment you do that infers that you have done something wrong ...... which you haven't.

This problem is entirely hers.

The moment you start bending over and doing what she asks because of her insecurities, it's a slippery slope. First it will be "stop liking photos of girls you know!" ......... then "don't talk to female colleagues", "don't spend time with your friends", and so on. Have seen it all before.

I try not to bend to hyperbole on here but people like this rarely resolve their own issues themselves. I would give her an ultimatum (that you're going to like your friend's posts/interact with them, and she's going to have to deal with it, or there's no future) - or just end things.

GarIT

Dump her. Don't tolerate that ****