Dealing with depression in new relationship

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

I would appreciate some help. I have been seeing a guy for the past month, lots of great dates, chats, we have stayed over etc. We are not official. All was going great until we had a deep conversation (he was drinking). He revealed all the indicators of him as having depression recently, (crying the past 2 days, constantly unhappy, self esteem issues, not having a job or money). We both said we really like each other. Since that conversation, he has barely replied to my texts ( few words answers) and is not initiating conversation. I think he might be going through a depressive episode and I don't know what to do ( I don't know what to say. I don't know how to approach this as it feels like he is freezing me out. Maybe he is finding us emotionally draining? Or maybe I revealed something in that conversation that put him off? I'm really upset about this but I feel I can't say anything because I think he is hurting. But at the same time I am stressed and very anxious and hurt too. We are not in the same country as I came home for Christmas. Id appreciate any advice how to deal with this, thank you.

seenitall

Hi OP,

So this is you getting to know someone in the first few months of romance, and the romantic promise of this new relationship has already started to move to the rythm of his depressive episodes, in the first month of seeing him. Run.

I had a boyfriend once who was very highly strung to say the least, now looking back he most probably had a diagnosis of some sort but omitted to ever inform me of it. The man cried, every. Single. Day. Of his life. Over something or other that was going around in his head. I do appreciate that life is no Fun Fair for people with anxiety and depression, but I really struggled managing that relationship, looking back I was the healthier partner in a lopsided relationship and that in itself led to resentment on both sides. Disaster. Life is too short and I’m no mother Theresa, although I did try!

Run.

Sardonicat

Op,he didnt disclose to you he had depression, you've diagnosed him with that based on your understanding of the symptoms. A lot of people probably cried for 2 days straight this year, it doesn't mean they have depression, nor does being unemployed automatically lead to depression. He might be feeling he exposed a bit too much of himself during the conversation and is feeling a bit self conscious and unsure of how to proceed with you now in case you view him differently, which you do. Based on one conversation you have concluded he suffers from deptession! Maybe he has picked up on that. Maybe he's cooling towards you and that's why his texts are abrupt. Your assumption he is in a depressive episode before any of those things is a bit OTT.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies so far. (Sorry I do not know how to quote on here).

Sardonicat: Maybe you are right and I am too quick or not in a position to diagnose depression. Reading between the lines of what he has said before in happier conversations.. he has had massive upheaval in his personal life (relationship ended 2 months before, moved country, lost his business, now he does not have a job) over rumination, saying before he had recently gone through a tough time and he was talking to his family about it.. to then the big conversation the other night where he said he doesn't know if he wants us to build something on something that is unstable, that he does not want to drag down to where he is. As in, when he was talking about how he constantly feels unhappy, lost, cries regularly etc. During that conversation he was saying things like I am smarter than he is, I make decisions compared to him..that he loves when I am beside him, I make him feel good, that he likes me a hell of a lot. I said I really liked him too and gave lots of reasons. He asked how do I see us, and I asked it right back to him which he didn't really reply. He was drinking alot and the conversation moved to us sleeping together. A comment was made in relation to this saying 'we had potential' and I said I didn't like what he said and he said he only had good intentions. Then that was it. I felt he was going through a hard time so the next day i got a small gift delivered to him to cheer him up. He rang me that day to thank me for it. Ever since then, he barely replies to messages (looks at them 2/3 hours later) and wont make conversation. i am feeling hurt and confused because we literally talked all day and eve for a month, met up many many times and now its just silence since I went on holidays really.

Seenitall: Thanks for your reply. i am now not even sure if I have read too deeply into the signs of depression and if I am just making excuses, but I will certainly exercise caution now. Things were so good before, and I am mad about the person who I was meeting up and chatting to and overnight it seems to have all changed. I just cant get my head around it. I keep thinking of the things that I said may have turned him off.. such as lack of serious relationships and experience with this (I am in my 30's).

I appreciate your insights because this is driving me crazy.

YellowLead

dealingwithdepression wrote: »

Thank you for your replies so far. (Sorry I do not know how to quote on here).

Sardonicat: Maybe you are right and I am too quick or not in a position to diagnose depression. Reading between the lines of what he has said before in happier conversations.. he has had massive upheaval in his personal life (relationship ended 2 months before, moved country, lost his business, now he does not have a job) over rumination, saying before he had recently gone through a tough time and he was talking to his family about it.. to then the big conversation the other night where he said he doesn't know if he wants us to build something on something that is unstable, that he does not want to drag down to where he is. As in, when he was talking about how he constantly feels unhappy, lost, cries regularly etc. During that conversation he was saying things like I am smarter than he is, I make decisions compared to him..that he loves when I am beside him, I make him feel good, that he likes me a hell of a lot. I said I really liked him too and gave lots of reasons. He asked how do I see us, and I asked it right back to him which he didn't really reply. He was drinking alot and the conversation moved to us sleeping together. A comment was made in relation to this saying 'we had potential' and I said I didn't like what he said and he said he only had good intentions. Then that was it. I felt he was going through a hard time so the next day i got a small gift delivered to him to cheer him up. He rang me that day to thank me for it. Ever since then, he barely replies to messages (looks at them 2/3 hours later) and wont make conversation. i am feeling hurt and confused because we literally talked all day and eve for a month, met up many many times and now its just silence since I went on holidays really.

Seenitall: Thanks for your reply. i am now not even sure if I have read too deeply into the signs of depression and if I am just making excuses, but I will certainly exercise caution now. Things were so good before, and I am mad about the person who I was meeting up and chatting to and overnight it seems to have all changed. I just cant get my head around it. I keep thinking of the things that I said may have turned him off.. such as lack of serious relationships and experience with this (I am in my 30's).

I appreciate your insights because this is driving me crazy.

OP, it could be that’s he’s just not that into you. You have only been seeing each other for a month and in reality you don’t know each other that well. He might have gotten caught up in the chase, the fun of somebody new and is now done with you. Getting on great and enjoying time spent with a guy is not an indicator that he is going to stick around. The fact he is barely responding means he is being polite but doesn’t want to engage in conversation- he might be phasing you out. I would ask him - say you have noticed his interactions with you don’t seem to be the same anymore and that you would like to know if he has lost interest. And see what he says. Or maybe ask him if he would like some space, it sounds like he has a lot going on in his life - but I wouldn’t say this is the reason he’s cooling off on you, he might just not be that interested. Sometimes it takes a month to figure out whether you really like somebody, or if it’s just a bit of infatuation/killing time/companionship/sex. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t just ask - though you might be afraid of the answer at least you will know and can either move on, or else know where you stand and take things slowly with him.

ThewhiteJesus

If he has depression like me he’d have zero interest in starting a relationship so i don’t think it’s that, as for some of the other ‘run’ comments, do they realise how hurtful they are, I doubt it.

Sardonicat

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you were played. You come across as an openly caring person and he probably used this to manipulate his way into your feelings, had his fun and has done his runner. Stop contacting this man, he isn't interested in you. And maybe look at yourself to see if you have some kind of saviour complex and can get swept up into taking care of and falling for lost souls.

Most people would be wary of starting a romantic relationship with someone who they thought was having emotional troubles, and that is healthy. I say that as someone with depression. Why was your response the opposite?

LegacyUser

YellowLead wrote: »

OP, it could be that’s he’s just not that into you. You have only been seeing each other for a month and in reality you don’t know each other that well. He might have gotten caught up in the chase, the fun of somebody new and is now done with you. Getting on great and enjoying time spent with a guy is not an indicator that he is going to stick around. The fact he is barely responding means he is being polite but doesn’t want to engage in conversation- he might be phasing you out. I would ask him - say you have noticed his interactions with you don’t seem to be the same anymore and that you would like to know if he has lost interest. And see what he says. Or maybe ask him if he would like some space, it sounds like he has a lot going on in his life - but I wouldn’t say this is the reason he’s cooling off on you, he might just not be that interested. Sometimes it takes a month to figure out whether you really like somebody, or if it’s just a bit of infatuation/killing time/companionship/sex. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t just ask - though you might be afraid of the answer at least you will know and can either move on, or else know where you stand and take things slowly with him.

Yellowlead: Yes maybe this is a factor. I revealed to him I really like him, listed the reasons (because he was feeling down and I wanted him to know how I felt) and I feel more vulnerable as a result. Its very annoying that I am away and not there to be able to talk about it in person with him. I will cool off my end until I go back and I won't be as forward wanting to meet etc. Maybe he is scared I want him to start a relationship- although I never mentioned this or put any pressure on this at all. Space is definitely good. I messaged him yesterday when he was online, he didnt respond and I deleted it later that eve. Then he text early this morning saying 'Hii hope your having hun at home xoxo' . I was like.. what is this? I was more confused and annoyed. I have text back and again no reply. I just cant stand the emotional highs and lows and I can feel myself checking more and more as a result. I want him to send back a short message now again that I wont have to reply to and we can leave it a few days or however long.
Also to the poster Yellowlead, certainly I will have that type of conversation when we are in the same country. Tbh how I am feeling now, if he does not make much effort between now and then, I won't be running after him. And right now I don't enjoy holding a one way conversation.

To TheWhiteJesus: Everything you said I agree with. I have been in an awful frame of mind before and I understand not being emotionally there for another person. This is what makes me rethink everything I have said in this post already and give him the benefit of doubt. It takes alot for a guy to admit he has cried because he is so unhappy What should I do if this is the case- leave it until we can chat about it person? Ask him how he is feeling? (I doubt he will talk about it as he only talked about it when drinking)

Thanks for your help guys, I feel a bit better.

LegacyUser

Sardonicat wrote: »

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you were played. You come across as an openly caring person and he probably used this to manipulate his way into your feelings, had his fun and has done his runner. Stop contacting this man, he isn't interested in you. And maybe look at yourself to see if you have some kind of saviour complex and can get swept up into taking care of and falling for lost souls.

Most people would be wary of starting a romantic relationship with someone who they thought was having emotional troubles, and that is healthy. I say that as someone with depression. Why was your response the opposite?

Hi Sardonicat, thanks for your reply. I have really liked him from the start which was a month ago. Sparks, attraction all round. I didn't realise there was really much of an issue until all was revealed this week. From peoples comments on here, I don't know if he has depression now but I know he is going through a tough time. I don't have a saviour complex, I would prefer he was happy and solid tbh because I need emotional support too. I am of course weary of starting a romantic relationship, its such early days and I would say to him if we have the conversation that we will go with the flow. Take things slowly etc. If it gets back to that.

Calypso Realm

dealingwithdepression wrote: »

he has had massive upheaval in his personal life (relationship ended 2 months before, moved country, lost his business, now he does not have a job) over rumination, saying before he had recently gone through a tough time and he was talking to his family about it.. to then the big conversation the other night.

Jeez, is is any wonder he's having a bit of a meltdown? Sounds as if he's been through a hell of a lot in a very short space of time-this coupled with the uncertainty in terms of the current pandemic would be more than enough for most folk! Of course this was alcohol fuelled but nonetheless. As already mentioned, you can bet he's not the only one who's going through some sort of crisis of sorts, given how recent events have impacted on all our lives. It has been an extremely stressful year for most people-bound to have affected them one way or another.

In fact, I find it strange you concluded he had 'depression' given what he'd already told you! It strikes me as odd you only considered his circumstances as a mere afterthought. I wouldn't go as far as to say you lack empathy but i do find your response a bit lacking in understanding.

I don't think you were played at all! My guess is on top of everything else, he's really embarrassed at showing such vulnerability (a lot would be) and has retreated as a result. Stop all the texts and just give him space, plenty of it. That's all you can do really! He just doesn't (understandably) sound in the right place for a relationship right now, so I would leave him be.

Meeoow

If he only finished a relationship 2 months ago, I would avoid him. 2 months is not long enough of a break, in my opinion.
I have depression, and finished with boyfriend over a year ago. I am not nearly ready to see anyone else.
Sounds like he resents that you are home for Christmas and he is in another country. Will he be alone for Christmas?

seenitall

ThewhiteJesus wrote: »

If he has depression like me he’d have zero interest in starting a relationship so i don’t think it’s that, as for some of the other ‘run’ comments, do they realise how hurtful they are, I doubt it.

I don’t mean to cause hurt or offence, so I’m sorry about that. When I reply to a thread in PI/RI, it is usually because the topic speaks to me in some way, or I have an experience with similar that I feel the OP may find useful, and I usually don’t mince my words with it. But there are all different kinds of people and every one of us comes at a problem from a different angle and opinion, which is what the threads are for, to offer the OPs a wealth of different insights. Mine is just one of them, so I wouldn’t be taking it to heart very much. It just may help the OP, even if you disagree with it.

As to the guy having depression or not, as I said, I was with someone in the past who very much started a relationship with me, but was seemingly constitutionally unable to sustain a healthy, equal, well balanced relationship. Not his fault, but not mine, either. It’s just that the crying for two days and some other things the OP said, struck a chord.

Sonic the Shaghog

He may well have depression, or at least be emotionally broken, especially given what you say he's been through. But at the same time what's he's been saying and doing just sounds more like he's not that interested.

It sounds more like youre hoping all his non committal actions are the result of depression and should you help him through it things will be great between you.

I would be filing it under "the poor misfortune has been through it, but I don't think he's overly pushed on me"

bitofabind

Emotional highs and lows is one of the biggest red flags I can think of in a new partner. Too many people mistake it for “chemistry” or “butterflies” and don’t see it for what it is. An emotionally unavailable person who is provoking anxiety in you. He’s triggering you. That’s why you’re not walking (running) away when this is presenting after only a month, along with a bunch of other obvious signs that this isn’t a healthy situation. Huge personal upheaval, recent breakup, expressing reluctance and has to be “convinced” about the relationship. Drinking too much. Disappearing. UNAVAILABLE. This is not going to end well for you OP.

It’s sad that things have been so hard for him, but that’s not your responsibility to fix. You’ve had a few nice dates and known him for a month. Compatibility that is not. Compatibility has to start with mutual interest. You don’t even have that. He’s talking about “potential” and expressing that this is a bad time for him to start anything. Believe him. He means it.

qwerty13

@Bitofabind, that is very starkly put, but so very true. I wish that someone had said that to me a long number of years ago, but even now - it is a good wake up call to me. And one that I hope the OP heeds.

Idle Passerby

He's only 2 months out of a relationship and your together a month? He's rebounding. He jumped into a new relationship way too soon and it's catching up with him now.

I was recently in a two year relationship with someone who has depression. I did everything I could to help her but in the end her depression ground our relationship to dust.

As harsh as it sounds I can only recommend not pursuing this relationship.

Dunfyy

It's going to get worse
Depression drinking etc

LegacyUser

To the posters who said to stay away from someone who is depressed, I believe this would not be said in the same way for people who had other forms of illnesses. Maybe that you believe it more difficult to begin a relationship when someone is going through a particularly bad time and I do agree with this. I do appreciate your thoughts but I believe depression is not always a life long thing and can be influenced by the persons current environment and current situation rather than within the person forever so I would have hope that not all times are going to be like this. I understand if you are constantly struggling and not making progress in a relationship as a result, this is detrimental.

Capyso Realm: This is what I come back to excuse or justify the behaviour of him completely withdrawing from me (which I know from another perspective could be him showing disinterest). The last message he sent me was a text asking me when I will be back in the country. I replied just saying the date I would be back and I didn't say much else or ask anything because I can't deal with waiting on a text back (sad I know). So that was 3 days ago and nothing since. I will give him all the space. And I know I won't message him to meet up. First anyways. I am wondering if he does want to meet up (which I still do, as if we are to part company I would like to clear the air and talk in person) I don't know how I should act- cool and calm as if it didn't upset me, explain that I was hurt but that I have moved on from it, or say I want to go with the flow etc.

Bitofabind: I understand everything you are saying, thank you. This is along with the the majority of posters who said basically to move on from him. I do understand he might be going through alot, but timing is just as important when meeting someone new. He was in a recent relationship, but sometimes relationships are over long before they actually end. He said he wasn't in love with this girl either. But anyways I know its not ideal because rebounding is a big thing for some people. You have said it out straight- all the signs are showing that this is not the right time or he is not on the same page emotionally. And he is not showing interest. (still sad about it I guess)

I guess what really wrecked my head was him telling a whole list of all these really lovely things about me and us, and then disappearing. I was going between thinking- maybe he has the security of knowing I like him so he is putting in less effort when I am away, to thinking- he told me all these 'sweetners' to cushion the fact that he was saying he wasn't sure of starting anything, to thinking.. he has told me he is really upset lately, he is embarrassed and wants space. I know he overthinks things.

And so now, I am checking out of this situation more and don't want to hear from him unless he wants to meet and chat in person and maybe explain? What I really want to say to him is that it is not ok to being so involved to being to absent but what holds me back is if he was going through a particularly bad time. I guess I might find out in time but I won't be waiting around for him.

Thanks guys you have really helped take this out of my head and step back from it.

bitofabind

dealingwithdepression wrote: »

Bitofabind: I understand everything you are saying, thank you. This is along with the the majority of posters who said basically to move on from him. I do understand he might be going through alot, but timing is just as important when meeting someone new. He was in a recent relationship, but sometimes relationships are over long before they actually end. He said he wasn't in love with this girl either. But anyways I know its not ideal because rebounding is a big thing for some people. You have said it out straight- all the signs are showing that this is not the right time or he is not on the same page emotionally. And he is not showing interest. (still sad about it I guess)

I guess what really wrecked my head was him telling a whole list of all these really lovely things about me and us, and then disappearing. I was going between thinking- maybe he has the security of knowing I like him so he is putting in less effort when I am away, to thinking- he told me all these 'sweetners' to cushion the fact that he was saying he wasn't sure of starting anything, to thinking.. he has told me he is really upset lately, he is embarrassed and wants space. I know he overthinks things.

You don't need to say anything to him. You do need to have a word with yourself though. Everything starts and ends with your needs in a relationship. You need a reciprocation of interest, you need a man who won't leave a doubt in your mind, you need someone who's invested in growing the relationship. That is not this man. So nothing needs to be said to him, instead channel that energy into accepting these things and being kind to yourself, focus on having the nice Christmas you deserve.

It's normal to be sad. It's normal to be a little devastated about this and to feel lonely. Let yourself feel that way. But remember this: these are only feelings. They don't own you. They don't need to drive your behaviour. And they will move through your system and they will pass.

And finally. If I've learned anything from the decades I spent single, it's this: don't listen to words. Look at actions. Actions are what matter.

ILoveYourVibes

OP DO NOT feel sorry for this guy.

What I really want to say to him is that it is not ok to being so involved to being to absent but what holds me back is if he was going through a particularly bad time.

We all have bad times. Do not feel sorry for this guy.

YellowLead

I know you are feeling sad, but you need to close this off for yourself and move on. Accept he is not interested - disinterest from him is closure. As another poster has said it’s actions and not words that matter. It sounds like he said things that were too much for having just met you and known you for so little time. There’s no need to tell him you are upset or that he should have done this or that - it’s more dignified just to move on and don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you are pining for him and feeling like he did well to escape a drama queen. It’s hard out there on the dating scene but it’s better to try again and meet somebody who is articulate and honest and knows what he wants. Guys that leave you guessing and give you breadcrumbs just to keep you in the back pocket for sex when they are in the mood are not worth your time.