Parents hate each other but won’t split

KiKi III

As per the title, my parents have had separate bedrooms since I was a teen and neither seem to love nor like each other.

They are deeply entwined in a codependent relationship however, and while each of them has threatened to leave the other on a regular basis, they never do.

They are relatively young (early 60s) and not financially dependent on each other. We have a home and an investment property which my dad could easily move to.

Just ahead of the last lockdown I moved home from Dublin. It just didn’t make sense to pay rent while working from home when nothing was open.

I’m mostly glad to be home but being caught between them is getting to me. My dad is an emotionally immature, angry man who shouts a lot. My mam is very passive aggressive and snippy.

I wish they’d just split and they seem to be getting closer to it but unable to pull the trigger.

This morning I saw my dad cry which is really unusual.

I’m not really looking for advice I don’t think. I just needed to vent.

bitofabind

That sounds distressing OP. Sorry for what you're dealing with.

You can't control what your parents do. It's entirely plausible given the codependence and the length of the relationship, that they'll continue to stay in this relationship until the end of one of their natural lives. Also bear in mind couples of this generation grew up during a different time and those older values and beliefs and taboos are probably at play here too. People only change when they are ready, and it doesn't sound as though your parents are ready.

For what it's worth, I think this type of relationship is common among people of our parents' generation. My parents have mellowed as they've gotten older, but I'm convinced were separation or divorce not such a social taboo, it would've been the better path for them decades ago. I couldn't have had better or more supportive parents, but I grew up without any real example of a healthy, happy romantic relationship and I've had to re-programme myself to look for what I need in a partner, rather than what I got used to seeing from my parents growing up.

The bigger question for you is, how can you co-exist with the current situation? It must be stifling to be back in the family home. Is this sustainable for you, or is renting the healthier option for you? Not ideal financially, but maybe the emotional protection that you need right now. What can you do to create boundaries with your parents while maintaining a good relationship with them both?

KiKi III

I’ll have to consider it in January.

To add to the complication, my Mam recently broke her hip and had a replacement so I’m kind of needed around the place for the next few weeks at least.

I feel so sorry for them both tbh to have spent their lives with people they can’t stand. Such a waste.

My Dad was really angry and upset this morning. He’s always this way around Christmas- I think there’s some trauma there from his youth.

I’ll plan a few nights back in Dublin in January anyway to get a break from it.

shesty

It could be just the situation of this year too is really highlighting the problems.I mean if they don't like one another that much but have been stuck with one another and no other outlets all year - It has been extremely hard on any marriage, good or bad.
I suspect they could both do with counselling, and possibly a split but as someone else said it is unlikely to happen wih that generation, and you cannot control what they do.All you can do unfortunately is try to remove yourself from the house if possible.At the end of the day, while they are your parents, these are their problems and not yours, and there is no requirement for you to be living there in the middle of that. (Although I appreciate it made sense at the time).
Also is there anyone you could talk to about your worries for them either...any family member or anyone?Just to be able to talk about it?It must be very upsetting.

tara73

you need to move out again as soon as possible. I think you need to question yourself why you moved in with them in the first place. You know how they are and what to expect and still you moved back. And there wasn't even a big emergency or no other option, it was to save the rent if I got it correctly?

You need to have a very hard look on yourself, I think there's some codependency towards your parents here at play from your side too.

ILoveYourVibes

Have you ever tried asking them why they don't split if they are so miserable op?

OP, as unpleasant as the situation may be for you, it’s really not your place to comment on it to either of your parents. Their marriage is none of your business, so just get on with your own life and let them get on with theirs. What they do is between them and entirely up to them.

ILoveYourVibes

JayZeus wrote: »

OP, as unpleasant as the situation may be for you, it’s really not your place to comment on it to either of your parents. Their marriage is none of your business, so just get on with your own life and let them get on with theirs. What they do is between them and entirely up to them.

I disagree a marriage is part of a family.

I would talk to my parents about things like this. They have talked to me about things like this.

Jequ0n

They obviously know that their “relationship” is a catastrophe but are unwilling to do anything about it. There is nothing you can do apart from not getting dragged into it.

beauf

I think the solution is too have your own place and only agree to meet then in on their own. If they still live together refuse to meet them there. Madness to move in with them. You have to draw your line in the sand and stick to it.

KiKi III

JayZeus wrote: »

OP, as unpleasant as the situation may be for you, it’s really not your place to comment on it to either of your parents. Their marriage is none of your business, so just get on with your own life and let them get on with theirs. What they do is between them and entirely up to them.

I would much prefer if this was the case. They each initiate conversations with me about it. I have asked them not to but they are not great on boundaries.

I’ll be looking at getting my own place again in January.

Magicmatilda

You say "It just didn’t make sense to pay rent while working from home when nothing was open"

Personally coming from a dysfunctional and highly codependent family, the reason I paid rent for so long was that I was paying for my independence and so that I would not have to deal with living in the middle of the madness.

Ultimately you have moved into their home and while their relationship sounds like it is highly dysfunctional, on some level that works for them. They have chosen to stay. You need to just move out and stay moved out. You are working from home so its sounds like its not a financial issue where you have to be there or you would be homeless.

Snails pace

I have been in your situation OP. I recently moved out and I have seen a big improvement in my overall humour and day to day mental health. I didn't realise the strain it took until I got out. My advice is rent a place again if you can.

Tork

As the others have said, the best way to deal with this is to stay out of it. Don't take sides or try to intervene. The only advice I'd possibly give one or the other of them is to talk to a counsellor (as individuals, not a couple) but I don't think doing anything more is appropriate. This is their bad marriage and it's up to them what they do about it. I can understand why your parents don't want to split. Aside from all the psychological issues at play here, there are the practicalities too. Where exactly would they live? It's likely that neither of them will want to leave their home of many years. Especially if the alternatives are inferior. Realistically, the best option for the pair of them is to find a way of living separately under the same roof.

cj maxx

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but why do you say your father moves out , rather than your mother ?

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I disagree a marriage is part of a family.

I would talk to my parents about things like this. They have talked to me about things like this.

I think this is something that really comes down to perspective. I’m married, so I can tell you that between a husband and wife, their marriage is theirs and nothing to do with anyone else, directly. Others may be affected by how healthy that marriage is, but everyone else is a third party with secondary priority when it comes to the opinions they hold.

It’s important to keep perspective as adult children also. You might think the marriage is part of the family, but it’s not. It signifies a major problem with respect for boundaries when a husband and wife permit anyone else including their unmarried adult children to interfere in it.

Best to keep your nose out and know your place. It’s not what you think it to be, I’ll tell you that for certain.

bertiebomber

A typical toxic co - dependency, its rife in ireland they wont go they rather destroy each other and their children. Just go and let them stew in their own juice. Staying there will damage you for the future and in all you future relationships. Explain you are moving out and will only meet them individually going forward. tell your dad you would like to see him happy in another setting it might spur him on .

Tork

I wouldn't attempt suggesting to either parent that they move out or split. If they split and it goes wrong, you'll be the lightning rod for all the anger and ill-feeling.

Salthillprom

Welcome to my world. My parents hate each other and my mum takes it out on her children. My mum is an angry, bitter woman who makes my dad's life hell. They also own multiple properties but neither one wants to move out. Tbh my mother wouldn't leave our home house anyway, which is a very nice pad. My dad would be the overall loser in this. I can't offer any words of advice OP other than I empathise fully. Adult children suffer a lot in these situations and that needs to be acknowledged. I hear ya, I feel for ya and i empathise with you. Stay strong.