My depression killed my marriage

LegacyUser

I have been with my wife for 13 years.

Unfortunately, I suffered from depression due to childhood traumas up until earlier this year. This involved suffering from toxic shame where I felt that everything was my fault, I was a bad person, and associated low self-esteem, low energy, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed by life most of the time. I also didnt know what was normal, but I was determined to do my best and be a kind dad to my children – it was awful everytime I fell short, and this was regularly.
I've been trying to get well for the last 10 years and thankfully, 2 years ago my gp referred me to John of Gods and for the last few months - for the first time in my life - I feel light and free inside. I still dont know myself!

That said, I spent a lot of my marriage and fatherhood depressed, in bed exhaused and sleeping with no energy. When I was overwhelmed and trying to cope, I'd shout at the kids sometimes (there was no aggression or physical abuse of them). But I am a big, loud man and this would upset them and my wife. When this would happen, my wife would detail how bad my behaviours are and the negative effects on our children. Before I looked for help, this would overwhelm me, I couldn't take it and I'd self harm. After I started getting help, I would still feel terrible but stopped self-harming, and would just take to the bed and hide.

When I was feeling well, I would be there for her and the children, and enjoyed them when I was mentally and physically able to. But I was difficult to live with – my behaviour all over the place and wasn't consistant.

Some years after the children were born, my wife stopped talking to me except to ask me for something she wanted me to do or that she needed. She kept away from me as much as possible.There was no affection and this broke my heart. I felt suicidal for about 9 months (my brother had also died and I was working 3 part time jobs to keep the boat afloat). This dragged on, and with my outbursts causing stress and upset all the time.

Now, I am still at the bottom of my wife's list – the kids, her family and her friends come first. She doesn't want to spend any time with me, but says she loves and cares for me – if she didn't, she says, I wouldnt still be round.

I wish that she wanted to spend time with me. We went to couples councelling, but we didnt get beyond her pain at being upset by me. She siaid that when my behaviour is consistant she will forgive me, but writing this down, I think I have just broken it beyond repair.

Any advice welcomed.

Neyite

You are only a few months into feeling differently so you might just need to give yourself and her time. She might be wary of getting hopeful that this corner you've turned is only a temporary one but with time might begin to trust in that.

You acknowledge that it's been difficult for your family - while you aren't responsible for your illness, it unfortunately did have a knock on effect on your family so it will take them time to get used to the new vibe in the house.

The thing is, there's love and care for you there from her part - and she says herself if she had no feelings you wouldn't be together so that's promising and might bode well for the future.

LegacyUser

Thank for your reply.
I hope so. It just looks and feels like she has moved on. As you say, only time will tell.

shameless liberal

Very pleased to hear that you are doing better now. Hope that you keep up whatever medication, or techniques, or whatever other tools you used to bring you back to yourself. Maintenance is as important as the journey itself.

It sounds as though maybe your wife adapted to manage her expectations and protect herself accordingly. Being met with inconsistency is frightening and would make anybody totally insecure and unsafe. That said, as you said she stuck around and said that she loves you and is prepared to forgive you. No reason not to take that at face value.

Can you build new habits together to replace your old? Maybe add something new and fun and constructive with the kids? Not sure what age they are, but maybe an activity, or games night without the tv on, or walks/hikes or something similar? Your wife seeing you being a consistently good, consistent, kind, loving father and winning over the trust of your kids again would be for sure a start?

Is she prepared to go for dinner with you? Or even in Covid times maybe a night away in a hotel or something similar? But maybe baby steps with the kids first, activities your wife is invited to also. Sounds like she's been protecting herself, but might dip her toe in the water again once she sees that it's safe.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that. I realise that I'm very unsure about my marriage - my default is not to trust that anything good will happen, and I'm slipping back into that.
I need support at this time, now jog has released me back to my gp - will get back to a councillor.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Time to move on, things don't last. At least if you leave now things will be amibical for the kids. No saving the relationship

cannotlogin

Congrats on your recover. It must feel amazing.

Depression is a bitch of a disease and people suffer incredibly with it but it effects more than just the depressed person.

While you were essentially unavailable (through no fault of your own- it's a disease not a choice), she had to be the strong one, the one who kept the household going, the one who nurtured the kids, the one who showed up and had little or no support (again not blaming you, just saying as it is, that's the impact of it).

During that time for her, she probably feel under enormous pressure, felt she had little or no support. No doubt, you shut her out too because that is how depression works. It is impossible to be in her situation without resenting it, your depression and that fact that all the burden was on her. She might want to get over that but it isn't any easy switch, she's been dealing with it for years. It will take her time and she's probably at a stage where she cannot even let herself consider the possibility of a happy future - she has even hinted at such, she needs consistency before she has hope. She's had to develop her own coping mechanisms and resilience- she cannot change overnight. You have been depressed more of your married life than not.

The fact you are still there, the fact she's willing to go to counselling are all positives.

Yes, it was a very difficult time for you but it was also a very difficult time for her. She needs you to know that. She needs you to do everything possible to sustain your treatment (counselling, medication,exercise, meditation etc).

You didn't recover overnight. Neither will she. Yes, the counselling will be about her hurt for a while. It's the first time she's really been able to voice it and needs you to understand her side of things too. Once she gets all of that out and comes to terms with it, only then can you look at moving forward.

I wouldn't give up just yet but do acknowledge all she had to deal with too. Often and sincerely. It will take time but it might be worth it. She hung on in there in the worst of times, It's safe to say that if she can (She may not even know if she can yet) she'll want to stick around for the best of times.

Continued good luck on your recovery and even if you feel better than ever, stick with everything that helped you get to this point to ensure that consistency she needs.

My post isn't meant to make you feel bad but to give you some insight into her position and why things are not perfect now. Hopefully it will help.

Sorry this is a lot longer than I thought. I had a long term relationship with someone who suffered from anxiety and depression. Despite how much I loved him we aren't together now but the main reason is every time he felt well & at the height of his recovered, he would decide to come off medication, stop counselling etc & we were back to square one. It is draining for your partner, trust me I know what she means by consistency.

qwerty13

I don’t think your depression has killed your marriage - otherwise your wife would have left.

I do think that she has as much to work through as you had to. It’s fantastic that you’re doing better, but I can completely understand her point regarding consistency. You’ve said that you’ve had issues with depression for 13 years - so your wife has had issues dealing with your depression for an equal amount of time. I’m not criticising you, it’s not your fault, but it cannot have been easy on her. In some ways she’s had as hard a time as you have while you were suffering. She’s just suffered in a different way.

I’d say the problem is that she got used to coping with day-to-day life without your input, because you were suffering. I don’t know if it’s a question of her priorities being other people, or just that she could rely on them more while you were suffering and not really available to her.

I know you’ve had a turnaround over the past few months, but I don’t think you can expect your wife or kids to snap from how things were into a very different family life. I think that’s going to take a lot of time, and healing, and as she said, consistency. It sounds like it’s about rebuilding trust that you are a wholly present member of your family unit.

I’m glad that you’re doing better, but your wife is probably hurt and exhausted. I’d say time and consistency from you are the biggest things she needs. Tough as it is, you basically have to prove to her and your kids that you are a fully present member of your family. And what the previous poster said: make sure you keep up the counselling and medication, if you’re on it. Lapsing on those is not going to show your wife the consistency that she needs.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies

Thanks so much @cannotlogin for sharing your experience - I've been thinking about it everyday since, to be present and consistent. And thank you for being so kind and saying that you didn't mean to rub it in - 6 months ago, I couldnt have taken this in.

Thanks @unashamedliberal and @quwerty123 - I wasnt able to be part of the family in any good way, but see now that any minute I can spend is a way back.

Your helpful and compassionate replies really touching and appreciated. Wishing you every happiness.

august12

IloveSunshine wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies

Thanks so much @cannotlogin for sharing your experience - I've been thinking about it everyday since, to be present and consistent. And thank you for being so kind and saying that you didn't mean to rub it in - 6 months ago, I couldnt have taken this in.

Thanks @unashamedliberal and @quwerty123 - I wasnt able to be part of the family in any good way, but see now that any minute I can spend is a way back.

Your helpful and compassionate replies really touching and appreciated. Wishing you every happiness.

Have no advice to offer really but wishing you a Happy Christmas as have been following this thread,