Am I trapped? Or doing right?

LegacyUser

Right two sides to every story..

In the middle of a long term relationship to a girl for 6 years. Basically got cold feet at the end of last year (didn't have the balls,guts, coping skills to be honest with her and end it)

Took it upon myself to act out my issues and went off with someone else.. Lied to them both. extremely toxic and evil behaviour all to save my own ass instead of facing to feelings and facts.

ALL ended in tears thankfully.. The original girl is away from me and better off..

Off I go to CBT and Counselling for the past 7 or 8 months and still continuing .. Making sense of my actions, feelings and thoughts.

So girl 2 decides to call me.. look for answers and reasons why (She was in a similar cold feet scenario herself a few years back)

Skip on a few months.. I'm committed and giving my all.. yet defend myself when she brings up the past... we end up rowing as "its not a fight and I shouldnt go on attack mode"

There are deep deep insecurities from what I have done in the past and others to her too.

She has full access to my phone.. whatsapp web on her comp 247.. expects me to tell every minute detail of my day and every phone call.. full access to my instagram and gmail accounts and she throws a hissy fit if I dont go back to her place after work.. my location via my phone is shared 247..

I didn't mind this at the start.. truth be told i love this girl immensely.. she has brought me to her homeland to a family wedding and meet the folks..

yet we are not "partners" and I constantly get the "I can look after myself"

I don't know if I can manage much more to be honest.. early 30s.. already ****ed up years of other peoples lives too and im wondering if im going down the right path or not.

We get to about 2-3 weeks and then its something I do (Got sent a dirty video on whatsapp and got in trouble for it? I have no control and told her openly)

I have made my mistakes and I am giving as much as I can.. but i am questioning my commitment to her. Its been 6 months of this..

I was a toxic bastard before and I see the error of my ways.. maybe I wont escape until I jump myself.

Dial Hard

Past issues aside, this is incredibly controlling behaviour from her and the fact that you're posting here indicates you know it.

What happened at the beginning of your relationship happened. You can't change that. If she wants to be with you she needs to accept that you fcuked up, that you've learned from your mistakes and allow you to move on. She does *not* get to essentially punish you indefinitely for your behaviour and use it as an excuse to control you.

I wouldn't accept this behaviour from anyone and I honestly think it's probably best for both of you if you part ways. Your guilt for how you started the relationship is not a reason to stay with her. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

Yurt2

With the limited information in the post, I can only guess that trust is in extremely short supply from girl number 2 in your relationship. You two got off to a bad start, and from my experience, the innocence of a relationship that's there from the start needs to be cultivated and protected by both parties. Unfortunately, you two didn't have that from the beginning.

I don't wish to sound a negative tone, but this one seems doomed to me. The WhatsApp thing I wouldn't acquiesce to in a million years.

Big Bag of Chips

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the past, do your friends, family, colleagues etc know that your gf (who isn't your gf/partner?) has full access to every message they ever send you? Whatever about giving up your own privacy, you are giving up THEIR privacy without their knowledge or consent.

This is not a healthy relationship. It's never going to switch and become a healthy relationship. You've served your penance, and I assume learnt your lesson. Bring what you've learned to your next relationship. Walk away from this one.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

She's sounds like a nutjob. Pure psycho behavior. Does she hit you much?

MildThing84

Id nearly think you are on the wind up with the above info - that is some bat**** crazy scarey stuff. Access to everything and whatsapp web 247.

Run man, run.

Caranica

There's no way I would give anyone on this planet the kind of access to my life you've given to her. Change your passwords and run. It's beyond creepy and controlling.

screamer

sounds like she's got your b@lls in her handbag. End it, she doesn't and never will trust you, and youll have a dog's life with her. The damage is irreparable for her, and you don't deserve to be treated like sh:t because of her insecurities. There's a million other people out there in the world, remember the life lessons you've harshly learned and start again.

ILoveYourVibes

You both sound incredibly unhealthy ...

I think you should both part ways and you should both work on yourselves.

You have a toxic behavior pattern ...and now you seem to think the CURE for this toxicity ..is being NICE. Its NOT.

The cure to toxic behavior isn't to be nice ...its to be HEALTHY and emotionally intelligent.

Getting back with her wasn't a healthy decision.

Stop thinking of yourself as 'the bad guy' ..and start thinking of yourself as having been 'emotionally unhealthy'.

That way you realize you need to create an emotionally healthy way of living and behaving towards others.

Otherwise you will oscillate wildly from being the good guy to being the bad guy for the rest of your life.

You are supposed to be trying to create a healthy full life with healthy full relationships that nurture and protect those around you and you yourself.

All the best.

osarusan

Get out of it. Get out now.

I don't know, maybe you feel like you deserve to be the one treated badly for a while or something, or maybe she feels like she has the right to constantly have you under the microscpoe, but putting all your past issues to one side, there's nothing fair or healthy about the balance in your relationship.

Sardonicat

Run. I think you are allowing her to treat you like this because you feel guilty. There is no excuse for her extreme levels of control and surveillance. It sounds like she might need professional help.

As someone posted above, your early relationship was based on foundations of sand and there was never really anything solid to build on. This dynamic between the two of you is toxic and damaging and nothing good will come from it . Your early cheating and lying was sh1tty and hurtful, but you do know that now and are dealing with it. You need to stop beating yourself up and allowing this gf to punish you for it. Allow yourself to move on and grow and form a healthy, honest relationship with someone new. Get away from this controlling woman.

Airyfairy12

She sounds incredibly insecure, controlling and has serious trust issues that she's not just going to get over, no matter how faithful and loyal you are to her, it will always be in the back of her mind, you cheated on your last partner with her and she could be feeling that you will do the same to her. Regardless of what you do or say. She has her own issues to work through and you cant change her, all you can do is leave, that much invasion of privacy in a relationship isnt normal and it sounds like abuse.
Reading your post it sounds like you went from one drama filled relationship of your own making, straight into another one that you are taking part in, it would make me think that youre attracted to drama and enjoy the roller-coaster of toxic, unhealthy relationships.
Also, are you in love with her and her personality or sexually attracted to her and addicted to the drama?
My only suggestion to you would be to stay single until you can work through your own issues as it sounds like your romantic relationships bring out the worst in you, the worst in your partners and cause you and them stress.

cj maxx

Dial Hard wrote: »

Past issues aside, this is incredibly controlling behaviour from her and the fact that you're posting here indicates you know it.

What happened at the beginning of your relationship happened. You can't change that. If she wants to be with you she needs to accept that you fcuked up, that you've learned from your mistakes and allow you to move on. She does *not* get to essentially punish you indefinitely for your behaviour and use it as an excuse to control you.

I wouldn't accept this behaviour from anyone and I honestly think it's probably best for both of you if you part ways. Your guilt for how you started the relationship is not a reason to stay with her. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

I agree.
And for Gods sake change your email passwords and remove her phone as a trusted device etc.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies. She's currently in the Czech Republic with her family and is back next week.

I think I need to reassess the situation. We had couple counselling in the past but I mean its a case of a few months as opposed to years.

My sister has told me run. My mother told me run. I have to get away from this.

I'm meant to be going back to England for work and that's probably going to be another issue.

Its just mental and I am broken.

Dog day

Dial Hard wrote: »

I wouldn't accept this behaviour from anyone and I honestly think it's probably best for both of you if you part ways. Your guilt for how you started the relationship is not a reason to stay with her. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

Echoing what most posters are saying here OP, this is an extremely unhealthy relationship. I think Dial Hard has put it particularly well.

Equally well done on getting counselling to work through your issues. I’d go further & say that I think it would do you the world of good to not only end this relationship but to take a break from romantic relationships for a decent amount of time. 7/8 months of working on yourself is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Really get to the source of why you could perhaps both cause & be attracted to drama.

Only enter another relationship when you can make positive choices, the behaviour from your current girlfriend is controlling in the extreme, inexcusable infact, the past shouldn’t be a stick she continually beats you with.

The fact that you’re even posting about it here as opposed to running far & fast is evidence that you’re just not ready to be in a healthy balanced relationship at the moment.

ManOfMystery

There is no relationship here. No relaxed union, or mutually trusting and respective bond.

What is here is an endless circle of mistrust and 2 people caught up in it thinking that if they just keep moving along carefully on their tiptoes, everything will be alright.

You made your mistakes and have been open and honest about it. And if she no longer trusts you, fair enough, that's deserved. However that does NOT give her carte blanche to invade all of your privacy, read private messages from others (thereby invading their privacy too, unless you've made them all aware of it) and controlling everything you do.

The danger of allowing this level of intrustion into your life is that it sets a precedent, and it's incredibly difficult to then resume any kind of normal relationship. If you withdraw her access to these things, she will question why. And it's unlikely - by the sound of things - that she will suddenly relax overnight and no longer feel the need to carry on like Big Brother.

I agree with the poster above, I think this relationship is doomed TBH. If I was you I would cut my losses and move on. Start your next relationship on the right foot and if you feel like you're getting itchy feet or want to play the field again, give your partner the respect they deserve and break up with them first.

Tork

You're only trapped in this because you're allowing yourself to be. Have you discussed this relationship with your therapist? I can't help but think you're undoing any good from the therapy by embroiling yourself in this train-wreck of a situation. I can only echo what everybody else has said here. I really think you need to be single for a while to gather yourself together again and not fall for people like your "girlfriend" again. What she is doing to you sounds somewhat abusive - you're just dressing it up because of the other drama involved https://www.mensaid.ie/domestic-violence/

Sardonicat

Yes, OP. Echoing Tork's post here. I think somewhere along the way you have lost sight of yourself. You dont deserve to be treated like this. She has no right to invade your privacy and control you.

helimachoptor

Regardless of past behaviour this is mental.

You are being controlled in a total way, leave this situation now and save your mental health.

Tork

Would you be comfortable telling your family and friends that everything they send to you is being monitored by this woman? If that was happening to anything I was sending, I certainly would want to know

ztoical

Echo what others have said OP, this isn't a relationship for either of you. You are so caught up with what happened in your last relationship you are going to extreme lengths to prove to yourself (and I do stress yourself) that you've changed and she's so caught up in the fact you cheated and sounds like she did similar before that she's a control freak.

It's not healthy for either of you. You need to accept you messed up in the last relationship but you've learned from that and need to be able to have healthy relationships. Staying in this bad relationship isn't going to absolve you from the mistakes you made with the last one.

Big Bag of Chips

The people who love you and know you best are advising you to get out of this relationship. Why are you not listening to that advice? Why are you favouring the opinion of someone who makes you feel broken over the opinion of people who love you and want you to be happy?

Are you persevering with this relationship as some sort of way to prove that even though you cheated on your last gf and the relationship ended because of this woman, it was the right thing to do because you've found "the one".

You haven't found the one. End the relationship now, before she gets pregnant.

notsoyoungwan

This is coercive control. You need to end this for your own sake. And whatever you do, don’t get her pregnant. And if she starts threatening suicide, call the guards and let them deal with her. Don’t let her use that as a means of keeping you in the relationship.

TheadoreT

I dont think relationships ever really work after cheating or similar deceit to what you did. She loves you too much to try cope with life without you but clearly cant functionally be with you either. She sounds miserable tbh and you'd be nearly doing her a favour ending it.

Imo if you're on the end of deceit like she has been you go one of two ways, you either nearly have to kill your soul a bit and stop caring, or you end up turning into a jealous/controlling person you never thought you would, she's taken that to extreme levels. I've never seen couples genuinely happy after affairs or similar, I've seen two people not able to fully face up to realities either turn apathetic or alternatively resentful and untrusting and agitated. Its no way to live.

bitofabind

You both sound as unhealthy as each other. Major attachment wound on her part, unable to detach from an unhealthy dynamic that seriously harmed her and she has never recovered from. Riding on a background of unhealthy relationships by the sound of it. She sounds absolutely miserable and belongs in therapy.

That all said, she is an adult and her behaviour is abusive and out of order. It’s great that you’re getting therapy yourself OP, but no healing and growth will happen for you while you’re in this relationship. You don’t owe this woman anything. You don’t owe her a relationship or a second shot at things just because you cheated on her she came back. Do you understand that?

Another thing to understand is that loving someone isn’t a reason to stick around when someone is actively abusing you. You can love someone who is toxic because that is deeply familiar to you. Some part of you is drawn to that. That’s why the healing you’re trying to do right now is so vitally important and needs to be prioritised above a relationship that is actively harming you.

Dog day

Givingtoomuch? wrote: »

My sister has told me run. My mother told me run. I have to get away from this. I'm meant to be going back to England for work and that's probably going to be another issue.
Its just mental and I am broken.

OP....please let your very own words really sink in.

They’re heartbreaking to read.

As Big Bag of Chips posted earlier, you need to listen to the people who truly know, love & care about you, they have your best interests at heart.

You can now surely see you need to get out of this toxic relationship. If career wise you need/wish to go back to work in England anyway then this is a perfect way to literally leave this woman behind.

Please, please end this now, use this time whilst she’s away to plan your exit strategy. Spend Christmas with your family if you can. Put as much physical distance as possible between yourself & this woman. Needless to say change all of your passwords etc.

Take your life back!!!!!

There’s truly no happy future for either of you in this situation. Continue with the counselling, work on yourself & hopefully in time you’ll find happiness in a balanced & healthy relationship. I wish you all the best.