"Mother in law"

LegacyUser

I have posted before re my issues with my other half (not yet married). I have been going out with him for about 5 years this month. We have had our ups and downs, but nothing too big. The majority of the problems come from his mother - the matriarch.

So I am foreign but have been living in Ireland since I was about 10 years old, so a bit over 25 years at this stage. I am Eastern European so there are some cultural differences, but nothing major.

Basically last night as I was speaking to my fiancée, he asked me if am ok for him to go to visit his parents on Xmas day on his own, his mother only wants the family there. I was shocked to say the least. When he seen my reaction, he said he would rather spend it with me. Needless to say I was so upset.

I tend to stay away from his mother as I do find her controlling and I am enough of an adult to handle my life at this stage, I am always courteous to his family.

There are so many interferences from his side of the family that I am actually thinking of calling it quits at this stage.

Yurt2

Could the descision be covid restrictions related OP?

Macu17ab

Yurt! wrote: »

Could the descision be covid restrictions related OP?

That would be a poor excuse. If the OP’s partner doesn’t have it then the OP certainly doesn’t considering the intimacies of a relationship.

Poor show on the mothers part, since you should be considered family at this point.

odyssey06

Yurt! wrote: »

Could the descision be covid restrictions related OP?

Realistically though if the OP has covid so would the fiancee.

odyssey06

odyssey06 wrote: »

Realistically though if the OP has covid so would the fiancee.

Easier to do social distancing if there are fewer people in the house.

Antares35

Have you told him you're thinking of calling it quits because of his mother?

Terrontress

It's tough OP. I was married for 8 years and my mother in law was a constant source of difficulty.

I don't think she is a very happy person, she had a poor relationship with my father in law, who ruled the roost, and was maternally protective towards her kids. And so I bore the brunt of her negativity when I visited. My wife and I ultimately broke up due to her infidelity and I think that seeing me treated negatively like that can't have helped. My father in law would often tell the mother in law to cop on in how she treated me, but it would happen repeatedly.

It's a tough place to be. You want to be respectful to this woman, as the mother of your fiancé. She's going to be a constant in your life. But she has been extremely insensitive.

I think it is wrong of your fiancé to have put you in this situation. He should have told his mother that you are family and it is either both of you or none of you.

At least he did the right thing in the end.

You should tell him that he needs to work out whether he wants to be married to you or not. Being engaged is commitment to spend the rest of your life together. Probably a bigger step than marriage itself, which only formalises the engagement. And once you make that step, you both put each other before family or friends. If one gets invited, two get invited.

Big Bag of Chips

Daughterinlaw wrote: »

I tend to stay away from his mother as I do find her controlling...

So, do you want to go with him, or would you prefer for him not to go?

Yes, she's being a bitch. But if you stay away from her anyway I'd see this as a perfect way to avoid being in her company. You can have a relationship with him, without her.

I would ask him though what the plan is? Do you two live together? Had you planned on spending Christmas Day together? Had you planned to see your family on Christmas Day? Does he plan on being there for the whole day and not seeing you at all? Or is he going to call for a couple of hours?

I think you need to accept that as his mother, he will have a link and a relationship to her that you don't have. He can continue that relationship independent of you. However, he should not tolerate her being nasty about you.

zoe 3619

That's not a cultural differance.
Very rude that she would invite her son but not his partner of 5 years.
And also a bit strange that he would of thought it ok to leave you over christmas.
Maybe have a think about this one.

jelly&icecream

She's not going to change. You know that. The issue is your partner. He allows you to get treated like crap by her.

And tbh if he hasn't stood up to her by now he is probably not going to start. You're right to question the relationship.

ILoveYourVibes

Hi OP.

Yes she is being awful.

Personally if it were me i would do as someone else suggested above ...let him go down and see it as a chance to avoid her.

I would definitely call it quits on HER and his family.

As for your partner not standing up to the family.....well ..i mean ..what does he tell them about you? do you know?

Some people only say negative things to family about their partners. Even if its not true. I have seen friends of mine say nothing but negative things about their partners to me ....its like they are putting THEMSELVES on a pedestal or something.

I mean they obv say bad things or things that upset you ...i mean where are they getting this from? They don't know you ..in reality ...the things they know about you ..come mostly from your partner.

Oink

jelly&icecream wrote: »

She's not going to change. You know that. The issue is your partner. He allows you to get treated like crap by her.

And tbh if he hasn't stood up to her by now he is probably not going to start. You're right to question the relationship.

My thoughts exactly.

After 5 years he should already be acting as a husband whether you are married or not. That’s my take on it anyway.

ManOfMystery

Just out of curiosity, what have you both done in previous Christmas periods - did she welcome you to their house before?

eviltwin

This is bigger than Christmas. Her crappy attitude will still be there in Jan and if you want to have a long term future with this man this needs addressing.

Its disrespectful to him as well but if he is ok to accept that its on him. But realistically what kind of future can you have if she is refusing you on what is a traditionally family day? What happens if you marry or have children?

Its easy to say you can have nothing to do with her but practically its not that simple especially once you add kids to the mix. Unfortunately you can't do much yourself besides end things, you really need your partner to address this with her.

What is the family set up, are there other siblings, a father and how are they about all this?

LegacyUser

@YURT! I am not sure if its Covid related but as you can imagine I am ok at present, however if I have it so does he….so technically if she is so afraid maybe she shouldn’t invite anyone over. We live in the East of Ireland and they live In the West of Ireland. The house is very big easy to distance, however I didn’t have plans to go anywhere this Christmas due to Covid anyway.
@Antares35 – to answer your question yes I have said this a few times actually. I have mentioned that I am finding her very intrusive. She’s constantly in our lives. Lets just say she has a house key and lets herself in whenever she wants….tried to have the locks changed, its like I am talking to the walls (I do have my own place btw).
@Terrontress – she certainly isn’t a happy woman, she moved to the West of Ireland for different reasons mainly to do with her kids (not my fiancée thou).
@zoe 3619 – I agree, once he realised what he said, he immediately backtracked and said he wants to spend it with me at my place and have all my family around.
@jelly&icecream – unfortunately I know. This is just one of the instances where she has tried to get me to probably break up with him. I DON’T put anything past her anymore. Its so so draining.
@ILOVEYOURVIBES – I doubt that he says anything bad about me as he is a very quiet man and very respectful. He said to me that he was a bit taken aback by what she said. But still he wanted to go and leave me here….hmmmm!
@Manofmystery – last year we all went over to their house (new house) and in fairness I was hoping this year it was going to be with my family (which is happening after our conversation).
@eviltwin – I agree with you, however he is just such a quite and diplomatic man (or maybe he is just afraid of her). I truly don’t know at this stage.

When she found out we were looking at buying a house last year and selling mine and his…HELL BROKE LOSE….MAYBE IT IS TIME TO GO!

wildwillow

Does your fiance have siblings who have partners? Are they invited on their own? Or are you the only one omitted.

Some mothers need to step back from their children's lives.

But she is entitled to have a relationship with her son, as long as she respects his right to his own life.

Five years down the line makes it difficult to change her attitude towards you, and her son should have set boundaries. Much easier said than done, as she has had a lifetime of controlling the family.

You have to decide how much the relationship is worth, or if you can live with her interference. She won't change and you probably don't expect your fiance to cut her out of his life.

LegacyUser

Indeed he does have two other brothers and a sister who is married with kids. The other brothers I think were asked to do the same, however one of them has issues (big issues) and the girlfriend isn't welcomed at all at the house. The other brother is bringing the gf down on the 26th when the sister comes with the kids and the husband. Apparently no space for me and him. eyeroll

So there were a lot of discussions over the last few days (very tiring) where he insisted he wanted to go, and that he is a single man and he can do whatever he wants (exact words) but that he would do the right thing by me and stay up in Dublin (only when he heard I am looking to end things he said that he will stay). He basically doesn't see anything wrong with what the mother said and told me that its her house and she can do whatever she wants and that he will never say anything to her. If I have any issues, I should take it up with her myself. I guess I got my answer.

I can't be with someone who I have to give ultimatums to or even worse threaten (cant believe I am using this word) to leave if he isn't staying here. So I have been keeping my distance this past few days from him. I told him to go if its really what he wants. I am slowly moving away and once he comes back from his parents house, he will get his ring back.

There will definitely be one happy party there in regards to this.

Absolutely heartbroken.

Big Bag of Chips

Daughterinlaw wrote: »

He basically doesn't see anything wrong with what the mother said and told me that its her house and she can do whatever she wants and that he will never say anything to her. If I have any issues, I should take it up with her myself. I guess I got my answer.

You know, he has a point. I know someone who had similar (but much worse) issues with her in laws. So much so she ended up in marriage counselling over it. The counsellor told her that her husband has history with his mother that she doesn't have. That as a result of his upbringing he may never be able to stand up against his mother.

The counsellor also pointed out that she was an adult who didn't need her husband to fight her battles for her, that she should be allowed put her own boundaries in place and her husband should respect them. Of course it would be lovely if they were able to stand together as a united front, but in many families that is not always possible.

You're right, you shouldn't have to issue ultimatums. But he's also right in that he should be able to have a relationship with his mother, even if you don't have one. You don't like her. You don't want to spend time in her company, but that shouldn't stop him being in her company.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this now. But if his mother is always going to be an issue then it's for the best

PopZiggy

Does your mother in law like you? Some mothers are never satisfied with their son's partners unfortunately. Some mother in laws are just a pain in the side like that.

The fact he has decided to stay with you for Xmas day instead of his mother's shows he puts you as no. 1 ultimately. You are marrying your husband not his mother. Try to see past this.

LegacyUser

@PopZiggy - I don't know if she likes me or not. It feels like she thinks I am there to use her son or something, not really sure what she is at. It's really draining.

@Big Bag of Chips - please believe me I am not here to take her son away from her. You have a point and yesterday I really read your message a good few times. But she has to understand what she did was terrible.

strandroad

Yes that's quite a conundrum. His mother is effectively making him choose between her and you on Christmas day, and his response is that it's fine and he'd rather choose his mother (or parents if his father is behind the message too).

Why can't he negotiate different days etc like his sister did?

Tork

I'd also be worried about him describing himself as a "single man" at this point in your relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

Ah, I'm not for a second suggesting you're trying to take him away.

Had you two discussed a plan for Christmas this year? What had you done in previous years? Would you have planned to see your own family?

I know even after me and my husband lived together we still each went "home" for Christmas. The first year we got married we both went to his parents house and I vowed never again. There's 6 in his family, plus various nieces and nephews. It was bedlam, and not in a good way. I ate my Christmas dinner off my lap in the sitting room.

That put a stop to us going to any house other than our own for Christmas!!

I hope you're OK. I know he agreed to stay with you on Christmas Day, but only after you threatened to break up. That was never going to bode well for future discussions or disagreements. You should be able to discuss issues an two adults and come to a compromise without threatening drastic measures.