Do I tell I'm a virgin ?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Due to being overweight as a kid, having gynaecomastia that took 3 operations to fix and just low self esteem overall due to bullying, I find myself in my late 40s very inexperienced.

I've met an amazing woman who makes me happy and I guess things will move on to a physical connection in time.

I am extremely worried about this and am not sure should I just tell her I have no experience ?

I had a few snogs in my early 20s but always stopped it at that cause of shame about my body .

Thanks

Sardonicat

I'm delighted for you that you've met someone who makes you happy, OP.

What would be your reasons for telling her? Is it something you want her to know, as in, letting her know how special she is because she is your first lover? Or is it to give her a heads up that you are inexperienced so need some patience and understanding in sexual matters. Or, is it that you are worried she'll reject you if she knew?

If you have a strong and open relationship it should survive the latter. If you are worried about lack of experience but dont want to disclose you are a virgin you could tell her, honestly, that you are not very experienced and its been a while since you were close with a woman so you are nervous and need her to be patient. Maybe ask her to take the lead and tell her you want to learn about what pleases her. Any woman would be delighted to hear that! Whether you decide to disclose to her is entirely up to you. No one is obliged to disclose their sexual histories (or lack thereof) to anyone, remember that.

Big Bag of Chips

Doitell wrote: »

I've met an amazing woman

That's the most important line of your post.

I think you should tell her. But only if you see this as a relationship with a future. When you tell her, she can help you. Help you to relax, and also help you to realise that it's not that big a deal to her.

You are in a relationship with "an amazing woman". You should be able to share your fears and worries just as much as you'd share the happy and fun things in your life.

alexpatt

I also think you should tell her. There's nothing to be ashamed of and she won't leave you because of it.

If she knows, she'll also know how to handle the situation. Plus, when it goes farer, it takes a lot of pressure from you if you don't keep it a secret.

LegacyUser

OP here - just wanted to say thank you for the kind replies.

1hnr79jr65

Op, its not really that big of a deal, i was 28 when i first had sex, people wait for different reasons. By all accounts, an amazing woman would be over the moon to guide you on this journey. It may also bring you both a lot closer together as she would also be teaching you what also makes her feel good and you can both learn together.

If you wanted something to break the ice if you are nervous about saying it, perhaps watch the 40 year old virgin together and have a laugh about it. I know its corny but could be something fun to watch to make it easier to say. This one is up to you, but either way no shame in saying it.

ILoveYourVibes

Its up to you. It wouldn't matter to me if you were.

I dont think you have to share it with her. But i don't think its bad to share it either.

Its probably going to come out at some stage.

Its no big deal.

wylo

The biggest lie we tell ourselves as guys (who are not experienced) is that women are put off by it.

It must be a teen thing that doesn’t go away without first hand realization that it’s not true.

It’ll be more attractive to her if you tell her rather than trying to keep it a secret.

However there is one thing you need to prepare for and it’s not about sex. A relationship is harder than you’d expect if you haven’t spent your 20s and 30s in relationships. Just be prepared for that l both for her sake and yours.

leggo

There’s no one rule for if it’s more or less attractive to people, that’ll vary and likely be based on the other person’s insecurity/experience level too. Some people would rather someone experienced who knows what they’re doing, some would be delighted to be able to ‘train someone in’ etc.

OP if you feel there’s a good connection here (and it sounds that way) and that this is a person who accepts you warts and all then I’d just tell her. Easy for me to say and scary to do, I know, but draw your line that if they don’t understand or accept they’re not a good person for you anyway. Try to be accepting of your own circumstances that led to this, there’s no need to feel ashamed or approach this conversation as such. That’s your story and hopefully with this person that story will begin to change now so give it the best shot of success by opening up the door to honest, vulnerable conversation that’ll only serve to benefit your relationship if they engage back with you.

CivilCybil

I wouldn't worry about it OP. Most women won't mind. I've a fair bit of experience and honestly some very experienced men can be crap in bed as they don't appreciate that what worked for one might not work for all. Or else they just don't care about the other person's experience. And some inexperienced men are more eager to learn and please so it can be a better experience. And vice versa.
So the experience thing isn't really relevant at all. Willingness to communicate and find what works for the other person is key.

I'd perhaps tell her you're inexperienced so she understands why you're nervous and ask her to take the lead a bit just to put you both at ease. Pay attention to her cues and enjoy!

PopZiggy

Unless she asks just remain silent. After you get to know her and some time passes you can tell her should you wish, again, if she asks.

You are over thinking this.

Good luck and be happy. ☺️

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

However there is one thing you need to prepare for and it’s not about sex. A relationship is harder than you’d expect if you haven’t spent your 20s and 30s in relationships. Just be prepared for that l both for her sake and yours.

Not OP but in a similar position, a late in life virgin. I admit I have been hung up on the whole virginity issue and hadn't really given much thought to the relationship side. What do you think would be difficult if you haven't been in a relationship before?

Caranica

When I was in my 20s I went out with a guy who was a virgin. I ended it when I found out as he had built up losing his virginity in his head and there was always a "will it be tonight" look in his eyes.

Now in my 40s, it would be as much of an issue for me but that's more down to what I know I want in bed. I know it wouldn't be an issue for many of my friends and they'd see it as a positive.

JJayoo

OP have you met this girl in person?