Boyfriend thinks everything he does/ has is better, making me feel inferior

LegacyUser

So we're together nearly 5 years, don't live together. I own my own apartment but he said recently he doesn't like apartments, finds them boring. He lives in a house. He recently said to me we're very different. I said how? He said "you don't like music, gardening or cooking".

For context, I do like music, just wouldn't know the name/ singer of every song, which he regularly questions me on.

I live in an apartment, so fair enough, I don't have a garden, don't like gardening.

I certainly do like cooking and eat well. Fair enough, he might be a bit more adventurous with recipes and wants to impress, then he says to me many times isn't this lovely. When I cook, he rarely comments.

He has also a bigger and better car.

I love reading and crosswords, walking and long hikes. He also enjoys walking. Other than this he's not into anything else either, but lately I'm feeling a bit inadequate and inferior, especially about where I live.

I'm just wondering would people consider this a bit arrogant or am I being over-sensitive?

shameless liberal

Feelinginferior wrote: »

So we're together nearly 5 years, don't live together. I own my own apartment but he said recently he doesn't like apartments, finds them boring. He lives in a house. He recently said to me we're very different. I said how? He said "you don't like music, gardening or cooking".

For context, I do like music, just wouldn't know the name/ singer of every song, which he regularly questions me on.

I live in an apartment, so fair enough, I don't have a garden, don't like gardening.

I certainly do like cooking and eat well. Fair enough, he might be a bit more adventurous with recipes and wants to impress, then he says to me many times isn't this lovely. When I cook, he rarely comments.

He has also a bigger and better car.

I love reading and crosswords, walking and long hikes. He also enjoys walking. Other than this he's not into anything else either, but lately I'm feeling a bit inadequate and inferior, especially about where I live.

I'm just wondering would people consider this a bit arrogant or am I being over-sensitive?

He certainly sounds insecure/over-compensating. I feel there's a lack of context here. Have you ever had a conversation with him where you named the issue?

Big Bag of Chips

He sounds very needy.
A constant need to be praised and told how great he is. I don't think he deliberately intends to hurt you or make you feel inferior, but he has a definite need to be congratulated and encouraged.

You need to address this with him. You need to bring it back to basics. Let him know how his bragging and boasting makes you feel. He might try to deny that that's what his intention is but tell him, nonetheless, it is a consequence of his constant comments.

You own your own apartment. That's something to be very proud of. And even if it's not somewhere you end up living permanently, and if you have a family etc you might move somewhere bigger, but it started you off. And it started you off with what you needed, at the time you bought it. And, for now, it still fulfills your needs.

Your needs and his are allowed be different. He needs to realise that. I think, after 5 years together you should be able to address this. He won't like it at first, he'll see it as criticism! But you are his partner. You're not supposed to be a cheerleader cheering him through everyday life.

It may always be an aspect of his personality that he needs a bit more praise and applause than another person. But this should not come at the expense of your confidence and feelings. He can talk himself up, without putting you down.

ManOfMystery

I think context and tone is important here.

Do you think he was criticising you when he said "you don't like music, gardening or cooking", or was he just making a neutral observation? I don't like gardening either and don't particularly care if someone said that to me as it's true - unless they were implying there was inherently wrong with not liking gardening. When he said you're both very different, does that actually mean it's a bad thing? Life would be pretty boring if we all thought the same and liked the same things.

I only ask because I once lived with someone who was extremely touchy about any kind of comment which could be construed as criticising them. I remember one day cooking something for us and they asked why I didn't I cook some other dish I'd suggested earlier in the week (a curry, if I recall) and I said something along the lines of "Sure you're not really into spicy food or stuff like that, so I went for the safer option". They had a real go at me for daring to suggest their taste in food was very limited or they couldn't possibly be open to trying new/exotic foods. This was despite them telling me previously spicy food wasn't their thing.

The flipside of course is that if this is a type of comment he makes often and you feel he does it purposefully and in an way which is designed to make you feel inferior, then there's a pattern there and he deserves to be pulled up on it.

Tork

Did you post about your boyfriend recently? That comment about him not liking apartments sounds familiar.

Context is everything of course but I'm not liking what I'm seeing here. There is far too much belittling going on here, which points to some less than savoury aspects of his personality. You could read it that he has picked up on some things he knows he's better at and can belittle you with. Owning your own apartment is an achievement you should be proud of. There are many many people out there who would love to be in your position, rather than living with their parents or being trapped in the rental market. You were happy with your decision to buy one before this fella came along and so you should be.

It shouldn't matter that you're not into music in the way he is, that you don't like gardening or cooking. But instead of what other couples do (vive la différence) I'm seeing him using these to take a cut at you. Him not complimenting your cooking is the height of bad manners, especially as he likes to praise his own.

I'm not going to jump for the "dump him" button straight away because all we have here so far is one post. Still, I believe you should have a think about what is going on here. He should think you're the best thing since sliced bread and make you feel happy and respected. Instead there's belittling and making you feel less secure. To what end? I'd definitely start by pulling him up on this and see how he reacts.

Idle Passerby

I remember your last thread OP. Your boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with you at home because "apartments are boring". It's a load of nonsense OP. This hasn't anything to do with your home, your music tastes or whether you like gardening. He's tearing you down. Whether it's because he's unhappy with himself and making you feel small makes him feel better, or whether it's because he's clearing the way for a break up, the bottom line is he's being very nasty, he's actively trying to diminish you. You're worth more than being with someone whose running you down all the time.

Caranica

I remember that thread too and you got loads of advice. Did you act on any of it OP?

A relationship is supposed to be a partnership. If he's putting you down at this stage it doesn't bode well for the future.

Sonic the Shaghog

Honestly I'm not making a dig but I also remember all the guff he told you from your last thread.

How can you stand being with this clown? What is it that actually keeps you with him? What age are you both? Are you afraid of being lonely or want kids and feel he's last chance?

alexpatt

It sounds a bit like he's looking for excuses why you two don't match. I would suggest you to be upfront with him and call him out on it. Look how he reacts. Don't let him tear down your confidence.

Gervais08

Run. Run far, run fast.

The next thing will be “we don’t need anyone else, we have each other” and ****e like that.

You seem a nice person. He’s not.

Best of luck.

ILoveYourVibes

I had an ex like this.

Always criticizing me or any gf he had ( he was a friend first so i saw it first hand) ...deep down he was deeply insecure.

He has overcome it. It took years tho. He still has a habit of doing stuff like this when he feels threatened.

Its also a way of making SURE you don't feel you can do better than him.

Emme

I think you posted about the same thing before and you were advised to get rid of him. Why are you still with him? Move on to somebody who appreciates you. You're better off on your own than having your self-confidence eroded drip by drip.

PopZiggy

He sounds a bit up himself. Such people can draw you in at the start appearing impressive but become insufferable after a while. Best consider if he is actually the type of person you fell in love with

pepefloyd

Your boyfriend sounds like a narcissist, which means deep inside he is very insecure and tries to compensate by putting you down, feeling superior to you. Think if you want to be with someone that makes you feel inferior all the time and doesn't love you for who you are.

If you have the time, I'd recommend the book "Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling Special"