No real friendships

LegacyUser

Im a 33 year old woman single with no friends, no social outlets and very little prospects for the future. As for friends ive had the same ones since I was very young but theyve always treated me badly and I wouldnt really call them friends. I distance myself from them but become so lonely that I go back willing to take any amount of betrayal and abuse. Ive always been the scapegoat in groups and no matter what I say it always seems to be wrong. Ican never connect with other people, the conversation falls flat every time with everyone I converse with. I have social anxiety which has turned into avoidance over the years and in work I isolate myself so much that im seen as a weirdo, people avoid me and dont give me much time besides the odd hello in passing. My social anxiety is so bad that its entirely overwhelming, sometimes I hide in the toilets at break times to avoid the staff room.
Ive been like this since my late teenage years and even though i have been to lots of different therapists since I was 20 and tried different medications and went to doctors, nothing has helped me over come this. Ive never been diagnosed with anything, revered to anywhere or given any real support. Even the health services over look me.
Whenever I start to build up a bit of confidence I get knocked back by someone who has something horrible to say or a fake friend letting me down.
For example ive celebrated everyone of my 'friends' birthdays. Ive not celebrated my own birthday in 10 years as everytime I make plans, all friends let me down. They will go on trips abroad for eachothers birthdays but wont go for a drink or lunch with me on mine. It just hurts, feeling so unliked when I have never done anything to anyone to warrant being treated like this. Its as if people dont care about my feelings or they think I dont have feelings, they treat me like I dont.
I only put up with it because I have no one else, I distanced myself from them for a couple of years but it was impossible for me to make any new friends even though I tried. I just dont connect with other people,. I was alone and so lonely, every day was spent alone and when I tried to connect with others I was looked at like there was smething wrong with me or just avoided. Family and coworkers started to notice I had no friends, they dislike me even more because of it, they'd look at me like I was pathetic and like I must have something wrong with me. Sometimes I think people are happy when they see me alone or having difficulties, like I deserve it, or maybe it makes them feel better about their own lives. I dont understand why people dislike me so much? Maybe I give off a bad vibe or something I dont know but I live my life being avoided, disliked and looked down on.
I dont know where it comes from as im genuinely a nice person with varied interests like exercise, health and fitness, music, art, animals and learning new things, im open to new experiences and im involved with local charities and childrens Summer camps but just cant build relationships with other people. I ask people questions, im a good listener not as good at talking about myself but I always make some effort even if its difficult, I just find people to be so judgmental, people that seem to be nice at first or are nice because they have to be in certain settings but will be entirely different towards me in settings where they dont have to pretend or try to get along with me. They can be really nasty and this brings me down so much.
I feel empty and my life is slipping past and im going to be alone for the rest of it. I dont know anyone like me, I know all sorts of people, people with autism, users, unfunny people, uncharismatic people, shy people, mean and nasty people, liars who all have friends but im alone. Its like im not even alive I might aswell not exist. Maybe im too sensitive to criticism but no matter what I do or say its always wrong and im always left alone.
I dont know whats wrong with me and I dont know why im like this or how to fix it or change things. Ive been working on myself for years trying to improve my outlook and confidence and self esteem but my external world stays the very same. Its the same now as it was 15 years ago even though ive grown and changed and achieved so much in all that time.
10 years ago I broke down about this and expressed my feelings to two seperate friends. I thought they where my friends, we hung out all the time and I had been there for them and listened to their problems, both of them seperate from each other, told me if I want to kill myself I should do it. I didnt want to and I dont now.
Both those people are in happy relationships with lots of love and friendship around them. I dont understand it, I don't know what I ever did to deserve that, I was only ever nice to both of them.
Just feel so lost, I dont know where to turn anymore.

LegacyUser

Im sure you are a lovely person.

But you are VERY hard on yourself and a lot of what you have posted is pure projection. The reality may well be that you dont have any good friends, but I absolutely guarantee you that no one dislikes you or wants to hurt you just because they perceive that you are lonely. It just doesnt work like that. Most people are too tied up in their own lives to even be bothered to think about whether or not someone in work has friends or not.

You say that sometimes you hide in the loo rather than spend lunch breaks in the staff room. People will notice that, and they will think its odd. It IS odd. Not wanting to go to the staff room is fair enough and depending on the company culture is the "norm" - in my last job we all did, in my current job hardly anyone does. But hiding in the loo isnt a good way to approach this. Go out somewhere else, for a walk, or bring a book and read it or stay at your desk and surf the web - but actively hiding in the loo isnt healthy for you and its not going to project a good vibe to other people.

Maybe you ARE weird - and if you are, more power to you - you are probably more interesting that most people. Seriously though, its ok to be different.

Anyway, my non professional advice based on your post is this:
You really need to work on 3 aspects of what is going on here, and if you cant get medical professionals to help, then you need to seek alternative help.

1 - the social anxiety. I suffer from it too to a degree. Its like stage fright for me, I am actually ok once I get to the place, but I dread it all the way up to it. Yours may manifest differently. Your GP should be able to help with this, OR (and this really works) you need to expose yourself to the type of situations you avoid and actually train yourself into dealing with them. This can be as detailed as actually writing notes for how you will behave, who you will interact with, what you will say etc... Then just go and stay a short period of time. Practice from what you have written in your notes, but then leave - you are only there for practice. After a while you will be very practiced, so you may stay longer or get "better" at it. On this - try to go to social events of stuff you have a real interest in - use meet up (dont know about during covid times), to find groups that genuinely interest you - then you will have stuff to chat about that you have a real interest in. Dont go to stuff that youre not interested in.

2 - stop projecting and being so hard on yourself. Easier said than done. But if you THINK you are not worth it - thats going to come across to others. You really have to find peace and love towards yourself. It OK to feel awkward - everyone does. Its also ok to be hurt when someone lets you down - again - everyone does - but DONT project that into a "they are trying to hurt me". Theyre really not. However, they may be avoidant because they perceive that you are overthinking the situation or they feel the lack of connection so they pull away. You really need a good dose of confidence. I wish it was something we could just inject, but we cant. I fake it. "How do you act so confident?" "I pretend I AM confident". Thats all I can do until I do feel confident.

3 - difficulty making social connections - what exactly has transpired in therapy or with your GP about this? Im not asking you to post it here - but Im asking you to think about it yourself. While therapy is great, there is definitely the aspect that they can advise you and guide you and try to give you different perspectives - but ultimately you have to do the work for yourself. If your post is a reflection on your real life efforts to connect with people then you may be overthinking small interactions and projecting bad intent onto them that doesnt really exist. I totally get it - you want to make a connection and be liked, so thats what you think about. But in order to really make a connection, you cant try too hard - its off putting. Social connections grow organically. You dont meet a new person and suddenly you are the best of friends. It comes with time. And usually when you first meet someone (a potential new friend) the interactions are throwaway and not really worth thinking too much about until youve really had occasion to talk to them and perhaps both bonded over some shared experience. I made a brand new friend at the start of the year. We were both taking the same night class. After the class was cancelled due to covid we had each others numbers due to the class whatsapp group. So (i think it was me who initiated) there was very casual whatsapp contact. And then that grew into deciding to do our own version of the class (it was a practical skill). But it took months. We are still really just friends over this one shared interest and see each other in connection with it. Maybe over the next year or two that will grow past the common interest. But at is stands, its still pretty casual but I still consider her a new friend.

You certainly come across as a nice person in your post, but way way too hard on yourself and far too much thinking that people are out to get you. They really arent. The Health Services are not looking down on you - they are just rubbish. Try to not be looking at 10 year old bad responses from so called friends - let it go, its 10 years ago. I understand you are just trying to give an example, but you cant hold onto stuff like that, its bad for you and doesnt help you move forward. And if you think your social circle are not really friends and betray you then drop them. Going back to people who continuously hurt you will not help you.

If you were to self diagnose - what do YOU think is wrong with you?

And if you had to give you advice - what would you advise yourself to do?

cannotlogin

RelationshipissueFriendship wrote: »

im genuinely a nice person with varied interests like exercise, health and fitness, music, art, animals and learning new things, im open to new experiences and im involved with local charities and childrens Summer camps but just cant build relationships with other people.

I'm not surprised you find it difficult to make friends as an adult because (a) it's challenging for everyone regardless of their past and (b) given the past "friendships" you have had it must be difficult to see past that and to trust people.

All of the things you've quoted above are hugely positive. Keep doing them and push yourself a little bit more in every interaction.

I'm fairly certain no one at work thinks you are a weirdo. They may thing you are shy, quiet, reserved while is actually true but that doesn't may you a weirdo. I tend not to force conversation on more reserved people as it seems to make them uncomfortable. I suspect they are doing similar, it's probably well intended.

Consider counselling again perhaps, it takes a long time to click with someone but if you get someone good it's worth it. If you have vhi you can do it free online or depending where you work they might have an EAP offering it. It might not help directly eith the friendship initially but if you could reduce your social anxiety this could make it easier for you. Try meet up, it's often full of people new to an area, or whose friends have moved away or are at a different lifestyle stage.

It might also be worth editing your post and splitting it into paragraphs so you'll get more and better replies.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're past experiences in the past just probably make your more wary of people and that's why it is more difficult to form connections.

Terrontress

cannotlogin wrote: »

I'm fairly certain no one at work thinks you are a weirdo. They may thing you are shy, quiet, reserved while is actually true but that doesn't may you a weirdo. I tend not to force conversation on more reserved people as it seems to make them uncomfortable. I suspect they are doing similar, it's probably well intended.

I agree with cannotlogin's point here.

I have worked with some very eccentric people in the past, but as long as they are willing to chat and sit and have a cup of tea, people would always include them.

Most people in workplaces are very happy to get any bit of company. I've even know people to seem not to like their co-worker but still include them, tell them when they're going to the kitchen, still sit with them, still chat with them, simply because we are all in it together.

It might take you out of your comfort zone for a while, but could you not invite someone for a cuppa or else walk over to a group of people on a break and sit with them? Ask if a seat is free and sit down. I think they'd be glad to have you along.

ILoveYourVibes

OP.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

But it seems to me that you see your emotional health in being how many fullfilling relationships you have.

I dont think that is the right way to look at it. Fear of being alone ..is not healthy...because we might end up alone for the rest of our lives through no fault of our own.

Fears of being abandoned or left ..and perceptions that every friend we ever had treated us badly ...are not healthy.

Its probably not true that every friend you ever had treated you badly. I think this is really just a symptom of low self esteem ..OR sometimes putting friendships up on a pedestal. Or have unrealistic expectations.

I don't buy the idea that at 33 all you have had ...are 'fake friends'.

If it possible you have some 'fear of abandonment' issues?

I also think you have unfair expectations of friendship.

Friendships are not going to turn your life around.

10 years ago I broke down about this and expressed my feelings to two seperate friends., told me if I want to kill myself I should do it.

This insinuates you have told people that you wanted to kill yourself? Is this true or have i got this wrong?

OP you can't go around telling your friends you want to kill yourself. Its not fair for you to expect lay people to know how to deal with this.

And if you ever DO have that feeling you have to tell a professional.
Whilst I am very glad you have said you no longer have these feelings now ...telling friends you want to kill or harm yourself is not ok in a friendship. Its something you need professional help for.

I think when you have better self esteem. You will trust the friends you have and have had were and are real.....and then relationships will be easier to build. You might start to understand that in friendships ...people letting you down ..isn't fake ..its human ...and realize you are human too ...and then you might feel less judged.

Also remember ....you said people judge ...well you have been judging too no? Calling people fake friends?

I know all sorts of people, people with autism, users, unfunny people, uncharismatic people, shy people, mean and nasty people, liars who all have friends but im alone.

The above seems pretty judgemental.

Your attitude seems to be ..what is wrong with me i have no friends etc?

Why does not having friends mean there is something wrong with you?

You haven't met the right people so what? don't let it warp your perception of yourself.

You are NOT how many friends you have.

Anyway ..i bet you have more friends than you think

Count on your fingers how many people in life you like....that is how many friends you have.

LegacyUser

There is a lot in your post that resonated with me. Not that long ago I was in much the same position myself. First off I’m absolutely astonished that two people, claiming to be your friends would suggest you take your own life. Genuinely dumb founded. I’m not doubting your assessment or description of their general behaviour, they sound selfish and lacking in self awareness to be honest, but I can’t understand why you would have anything more to do with people who would suggest or imply such a thing, especially when you confided in them and sought their advice and support.

Making friends is never straightforward,it requires a bit of courage, confidence in what you have to offer and trust that people will treat you with respect when you reach out to them. I found myself in my late twenties without any proper friendship group or social circle, for various reasons but mostly because I had been a bit passive up to that point about meeting people. That coupled with one or two negative experiences with people I had taken to be close friends had put me off trying again. After a long term relationship ended I found myself completely out on my own. I knew that if I wanted things to change I had to be willing to take myself out of my comfort zone, to talk to people, to go to social events where I knew nobody, to arrange lunch and coffee dates and most of all to be let down and disappointed by people. Now I don’t have social anxiety issues to contend with, at least not in the sense of what you describe. But I still had to jump, make myself vulnerable to rejection and take a chance on people at a point when I didn’t necessarily have the courage to do so. I guess what I’m saying is that while the counselling sessions do offer you an outlet to express your frustration it won’t actually change your situation, only you can do that by taking action. Listen I met a lot of undesirables along the way, had some false starts, met nice people but no “chemistry” in the platonic sense. But equally I met plenty of decent, kind people who I am very good friends with today, who were worth the effort.

I think your negative experience to date with this group of friends is having an impact on how you are coming across to other people. On one level you know you have a lot to offer but on another you have this negative feedback loop that’s telling you your not enough which is going to influence how you come across to other people without you realising it. I think you need to undertake the hard task of putting distance between you and this group, I say hard because as toxic as they sound I do understand the need for having people in your life even if they fall far short of what you deserve. They are holding you back and the longer you rely on them the longer it will take for you to make a fresh start. You acknowledge that you have plenty going for you, that’s a positive first step. Take that and resolve to make things better, it’s in your power to do so.

NiceFella

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP you can't go around telling your friends you want to kill yourself.

Whilst I am very glad you have said you no longer have these feelings now ...telling friends you want to kill or harm yourself is not ok in a friendship. Its something you need professional help for.
. [/B]

While I agree with most of the post by ILoveyourvibes, I strongly strongly disagree with this statement. Of course they are not professional counselors but they are often and I stress often the first point of reference to getting help. Sometimes, people who are unwell can't see what they need to do. So many people are alive today because they expressed themselves to someone who they had trust in. OP you should not feel sorry if you did express this to your "friends". Unfortunately OP in your situation your friends were not helpful.

My own thoughts are is you are potentially building up much of your own negative self image by over thinking what others think. For one thing as another poster quite rightly stated, most people are so self involved they probably haven't passed so much as another thought about you. And even if they are screw them!!😂

There is an amazing book I read years ago, when social anxiety was a big part of my life. It is called the six pillars of self esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Amazing book. Gives great perspective on social interaction. There is a brilliant audio book version which I think was even better than the book. I'm far from the finished article by any means but definitely better than I was.

Don't worrie about making friends. Make friends with yourself first. Best wishes!

Rubberchikken

Don't keep returning to these people for friendship..real friends don't bring you down and certainly don't dismiss a shared worry.

You list out a great amount of interests so how about getting involved in one or more of them and seeing how things go.

I agree with poster who said don't say out of the staff room .go in, even for a a short length of time.
No one is truly bothered I promise. People just want to have their food/break/phone time , they're really not thinking about anyone else.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a good person who just needs a break and it will happen. Take care

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Please don't drag up old threads NiceFella.

Thanks

HS