Relationship - age gap now an issue

Hannaho

I have been dating someone since June. I am 53 and he is 45. He has never married. No kids. I have children in college. We meet up every second weekend. I enjoy his company, we have very similar values. However, there are 2 issues: 1) he has a problem with my age, and says he tries not to think about it. I am always told I look much younger than my age, and he thought I was mid 40s when he asked me out. 2) He jokes that he is happy just to meet up every second weekend, have a 'good' time, and then do his own thing on other weekends. However, ultimately, I will eventually be able to spend every weekend with whoever I am dating. I am a bit unsettled re just keeping it every second weekend for a 'good' time - I feel I want more. I would welcome any thoughts/objectivity re this.

Sardonicat

I don't think the age gap is the issue here. He wants a casual arrangement and you want something more. You are on a hiding to nothing by continuing with this. Let him go and try and find someone who wants the same as you. His remarks about your age are a bit disturbing, IMO. If he's bothered by it why does he meet you?t sounds to me like he was trying to bring you down and make you feel self-conscious about your age, maybe to make you think that you can't do better. You can. Plenty lovely fellas out there of all ages. Plenty of them would like a shot with you.

Just ta add, OP, at both your ages I wouldn't consider that difference to be an age gap. There isn't even a decade between you! The difference in age is only slightly less between myself and my partner and I don't consider us to have any kind if age gap at all. This guy sounds like bad news, subtly trying to erode your confidence.

Tork

The bit about him being 45 and having never married or had kids could be a big clue as well. While we know there are people who make it to that age with neither under their belt, it can be because it just didn't happen for them. Then there are people who don't want to commit and settle down. This guy could be in the latter bracket.

I agree with the previous poster - this is not about the age gap between you. What he is saying isn't very nice but I think it is his way of keeping you at a distance and dampening your expectations. And as they also said, nobody is forcing him to see you.

You posted about this guy before and here you are again. I read that as a sign that this relationship is causing you stress and unease instead of happiness, security and hope for the future. Is it really worth that? To be honest, this is doomed and if I was in your shoes, I'd be thinking about ending it. You both want different things and it is bound to end in heartache. Yours.

Drewgerger

Time to dump him
He's looking for a younger woman
He probably has another girlfriend

Lynn Door

Depends on what you want. Are you happy with no-strings fortnightly fun times or do you want more? Happy with no-strings carry on but if not end things now as it sounds like that is all he is offering.

Wantedbymany

Hannaho wrote: »

I have been dating someone since June. I am 53 and he is 45. He has never married. No kids. I have children in college. We meet up every second weekend. I enjoy his company, we have very similar values. However, there are 2 issues: 1) he has a problem with my age, and says he tries not to think about it. I am always told I look much younger than my age, and he thought I was mid 40s when he asked me out. 2) He jokes that he is happy just to meet up every second weekend, have a 'good' time, and then do his own thing on other weekends. However, ultimately, I will eventually be able to spend every weekend with whoever I am dating. I am a bit unsettled re just keeping it every second weekend for a 'good' time - I feel I want more. I would welcome any thoughts/objectivity re this.

I do not think the age has anything to do with it in my opinion as a man saying this, he is a (player) then again I could be wrong completely wrong, it's been 6 month's and no further moves ? Like staying over most nights or random visits just strictly sticking to every second weekend ? I'm in my mid 30s and if I'm interested in a woman I don't just make a second weekend rule for the one I'm meeting , unless I have a seriously busy busy week or work a job that wouldn't allow late fun nights , then again every man is different to the next the same with women ☺️

Hannaho

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes, I did post before, and I was concerned re age gap, as I had never dated someone younger than me before, particularly 8 years younger, but after a while the age gap didn't bother me, and I think I am younger in spirit than him, and also he looks older than 45. I enjoy his company, we enjoy doing the same things, but I ultimately want a proper relationship, that's growing in friendship and intimacy. I feel hurt by his comment that my age bothers him and he can't put it out of his mind, and told me he had to be honest with me. There was another weird comment today also that he could never stay over in anyone's house, mine etc, as he wants to be in his own bed. He joked about meeting up for sex every two weeks, yet a couple of weeks he told me he wanted things to work out between us. I think at times he may be a bit of an oft in relationships from lack of experience, but I genuinely felt bad and dispirited when he said those things to me today. It left me feeling very unsettled and unvalued. I had an issue with his age initially, until I got used to him being younger than me, but would never mention that to him. I will tell him how I feel tomorrow, and say that I was really unsettled re comments about my age, and that I don't think the relationship is going the direction I would want.

Wantedbymany

. Plenty of them would like a shot with you.



Very true

rolling boh

Your wasting your time with this man if you want a fulltime relationship he only wants someone for a bit of fun when it suits him . The age gap is nothing really at your ages so that is wrong and he has some neck bringing it up he may have had these relationships in the past and likes the freedom to carry on fancy free when it suits .

Purple Mountain

I'm sorry but he sees you as a 'friend with benefits', nothing more.
It's up to you if you're happy with that arrangement or need more.

strandroad

He's very open with you OP, you just don't want to hear it. He's telling you that he doesn't see you as good fit, but you're good enough for his ideal setup which is for you to visit him twice a month for sex.
If that's what you want also, just a bit of fun, then that's great, but if you're saying you want a full relationship he's already indicated that he doesn't.

Tork

Aside from that age gap which is not a big deal at your ages, I wouldn't place much stock in his lack of relationship experience. At 45 he is old enough to know how to treat other people and not make them feel bad. If he was genuinely into you, this would have progressed beyond once in a fortnight fun by now. You wouldn't be hearing about your age either. It is possible he has somebody else on the go or is open to seeing other women on those weekends he isn't with you. That is just a shot in the dark though. None of this points to somebody who wants a committed relationship with you. I think he sees you as a friend with benefits. You and he want different things so it would be better to end this and try to find somebody else. Easier said than done I know...

Bigus

I’d say you’d have no problem finding an older or younger man with a lot more life in them , than this inexperienced drip, move onwards and upwards .

Hannaho

Thanks again for all the replies. I am going to move on from this. I have a busy life anyway, so I have to deliberately make time for a relationship, so when it makes me feel bad, I just don't need it. I think the guy gas been on his own so long - last relationship, briefly 20 years ago, that he is a confirmed bathchelor, bed by 9 p.m., same programmes on TV each evening, good sense of humour when he gets going, but likes his routine. The thing is he is small in stature - about 5'3', so I am about 4 inches taller, and I would never mention this height disparity. Anyway onwards, and upwards!

rolling boh

You made the right decision he really just wants a part time girlfriend and has been on his own so long that he is most likely well set in his ways and won't change now .

Calypso Realm

Hannaho wrote: »

The thing is he is small in stature - about 5'3', so I am about 4 inches taller, and I would never mention this height disparity. Anyway onwards, and upwards!

I think I would! In fact I would have walked ages ago, given what you said and was going to suggest you say you're ending it because you wanted someone younger/slimmer/taller. Now you have your answer!! Only joking, of course but you get my gist. Fully explains why he's on about your age, though!

Katgurl

Oh doesn't he sound a charmer - he tries not to think about your age! I'd be telling him I try not to think about his face when we get intimate, it's too off-putting.

Ok I wouldn't really do that but you do not need this loser, get rid and enjoy your single life until someone appears who actually appreciates you.

Tork

In bed by 9 and set in his ways. Are you sure this guy isn't 75? The part time girlfriend thing makes more sense now. I think you're better off cutting your losses. Even if he was more enthusiastic, those "confirmed bachelor" ways would wreck your head. I have an older friend who has persisted with one of these guys. They're still together but they had a lot of problems in the early days.

bitofabind

Jaysus what a drip. I'm surprised you put up with him for this long. Doesn't sound like many others have!

Here's a good rule of thumb, if a guy makes you feel in any way "less than" / inadequate, consider it a valuable gift of time and cut him off. Someone like this will chip at your self-esteem if you give them any leeway at all. You don't have time or energy for confidence issues, enough to be worrying about without having to feel like some part of you which is totally out of your control is a problem.

Let him loose and go find someone who respects and appreciates you instead. This man will still be going to bed on his own at 9pm in 30 years, trust me.

ManOfMystery

"I've had a think about our relationship and took your points about my age on board. I too am a little dissastisfied as I think deep down I would prefer someone more experienced and taller, so it's probably best we end things as we clearly aren't on the same page. I wish you all the best."

kowloonkev

Well this anonymous man has been well and truly slaughtered. Height, looks, lifestyle, anything else? Talk about not rising above it.

OP did you ask him for his thoughts on the age gap or did he just bring it up himself out of nowhere?

PopZiggy

If you want a LTR with him then you need to have a frank talk, now.