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Mum and the girl

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  • 06-12-2020 4:09pm
    #1
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭


    I felt like I validated my new relationship today by sending a pic to my mum and talking about her a lot. Girlfriend wants to talk to my mum as well and we'll have a Christmas video chat.

    It's an interesting dynamic. My mum in exceptionally friendly with potential daughters in law, and I guess I've always wanted her approval.

    Is it odd or normal? Girlfriend felt like it was a big deal and I guess I did, too. I'd love for them to be close. But it's the approval I want. Feels weird as a man in his 30s.

    A meandering thought.


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    #2
    Tiger Roll
    Registered Users Posts: 212 ✭✭Tiger Roll


    Why do you need the validation ? What will you do if they take a total dislike to each other ?


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    #3
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Honestly, 8f a bloke I was dating wanted his Mammy's approval, I'd run for the hills. Happy to meet the parents and all but not particularly important to me. I dont do family enmeshment.


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    #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Tiger Roll wrote: »
    Why do you need the validation ? What will you do if they take a total dislike to each other ?

    Carry on with the girl. It's just a bit of a feeling, not a deal-breaker. I haven't lived with my mum since I was 17.

    My brothers' girlfriends and my own have almost always gotten on really well with her. I just think it's interesting.


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    #5
    Stihl waters
    Registered Users Posts: 715 ✭✭✭Stihl waters


    It's natural that you'd like them to get on and for your family to like her


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    #6
    Tiger Roll
    Registered Users Posts: 212 ✭✭Tiger Roll


    Deleted User wrote:
    Carry on with the girl. It's just a bit of a feeling, not a deal-breaker. I haven't lived with my mum since I was 17.


    I think you have answered your own question by saying you would carry on seeing the girl (which you should ) if your mother doesn't take to her ,so the validation isn't as important to you as you think .


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    #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Tiger Roll wrote: »
    I think you have answered your own question by saying you would carry on seeing the girl (which you should ) if your mother doesn't take to her ,so the validation isn't as important to you as you think .

    I was thinking of the bigger thing, more along with the title of thread. My own experience isn't meant to be the topic of the thread.


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    #8
    Tiger Roll
    Registered Users Posts: 212 ✭✭Tiger Roll


    Deleted User wrote:
    I was thinking of the bigger thing, more along with the title of thread. My own experience isn't meant to be the topic of the thread.

    Deleted User wrote:
    I was thinking of the bigger thing, more along with the title of thread. My own experience isn't meant to be the topic of the thread.


    But your opening post was entirely about you and your own needs , anyway enjoy your relationship and don't don't overthink it .


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    #9
    _Kaiser_
    Registered Users Posts: 28,670 ✭✭✭✭_Kaiser_


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    Honestly, 8f a bloke I was dating wanted his Mammy's approval, I'd run for the hills. Happy to meet the parents and all but not particularly important to me. I dont do family enmeshment.

    Seems to be pretty common though. People in their 20s and 30s (and beyond) who go home every weekend, talk to their parents every day etc.

    Don't get me wrong. It's not a bad thing to be close to family, but there's such a thing as TOO close IMO, especially when it impinges on their relationship and family life - both of which should always come first.


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    #10
    Oink
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,150 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    I don’t know about me personally, but my folks are pretty decent people, well-adjusted and reasonably clued-in. They’d never butt in, and I’d never ask for their permission, but if I sensed they were uncomfortable about someone, I wouldn’t necessarily dismiss it straight off the bat. So I know where OP is coming from.


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    #11
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I’m very close to my mother in law and I know that makes my other half happy. It makes for very relaxing family meet ups. The tension when people don’t get on isn’t nice and there are times like weddings etc when you have to be together and it does affect the day.


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    #12
    statto25
    Registered Users Posts: 3,837 ✭✭✭statto25


    How close is too close where an MIL and partner/GF/Wife get along?

    My mother and ex spoke most days on the phone. She offered relationship advice to my ex when she confided in her that there were issues.
    She used to refer to her as the daughter she never had.

    For me having your significant other and your parents on friendly terms is great but when it becomes too close, the lines can be very blurred and in my case, kinda fecked up!


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    #13
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    statto25 wrote: »
    How close is too close where an MIL and partner/GF/Wife get along?

    My mother and ex spoke most days on the phone. She offered relationship advice to my ex when she confided in her that there were issues.
    She used to refer to her as the daughter she never had.

    For me having your significant other and your parents on friendly terms is great but when it becomes too close, the lines can be very blurred and in my case, kinda fecked up!

    Your partner discussed your and her relationship issues with your mother? Oh, now that's enmeshment.


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    #14
    statto25
    Registered Users Posts: 3,837 ✭✭✭statto25


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    Your partner discussed your and her relationship issues with your mother? Oh, now that's enmeshment.


    Ex partner! Yeah if there was a disagreement the ex would allude to an issue and they would then discuss how to "resolve it"


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    #15
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    statto25 wrote: »
    Ex partner! Yeah if there was a disagreement the ex would allude to an issue and they would then discuss how to "resolve it"

    Wrong to the point of creepy!I take it that's why she's your ex?


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    #16
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Tiger Roll wrote: »
    Why do you need the validation ? What will you do if they take a total dislike to each other ?

    Once she becomes the daughter in law, it's a racing certainty!


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    #17
    Feisar
    Registered Users Posts: 6,602 ✭✭✭Feisar


    I get on great with her folks and she with mine. It definitely makes like easier, I've had a couple of relationships where that wasn't the case and social events can be a strain.

    First they came for the socialists...



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    #18
    statto25
    Registered Users Posts: 3,837 ✭✭✭statto25


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    Wrong to the point of creepy!I take it that's why she's your ex?


    No actually I found out after the split when my mother took the ex side and I started to look back at things. A lot of info came to light but I was always very unsettled at their and in truth other family members closeness to my ex. I felt like the in-law at times


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