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Advice Appreciated on Sibling

  • 06-12-2020 1:13am
    Registered Users Posts: 2

    Hi, I am looking for some advice on how to handle a situation with a sibling. Bit of background, we are the same sex, 3 year age gap and they are case any of that makes a difference.

    I am at a loss what do to and would appreciate any help advise.

    They have always been quite overpowering and domineering. During our early to mid 20s we both would’ve lived Abroad this thought their overpowering nature might of changed. In our mid 20s I was seeing someone for three years. All my family and friends got along well with the person but my sibling took a strong dislike for no reason to the person. A family gatherings they would make this person the butt of jokes, and constantly put them down. It was said to them at the time it wasn’t appropriate to do this and both my parents did discuss this with them. Argument in sued and it came to the point where I ended the relationship because I couldn’t deal with the upset and fighting it caused within my family. This has meant that in the last six years despite being into two serious relationships I have never introduced them to my family for the fear of my siblings reaction. Recently I had a significant health scare I told my sibling about it but not my parents as they had a lot going on with a sick family member. My sibling never offered to attend any of the appointments or scans. Given what I am being investigated for I was allowed someone to attend with me. I ended up asking a friend to come with me instead. My sibling hasn’t call to see how things are progressing but has text. I know I am in a stressful situation thus aware I may be reacting more strongly then I should. But I just feel like walking away from our relationship. If a friend or partner treated me the way my sibling does I would walk away. I am incredibly hurt and upset by their actions.

    Looking for advice whether to walk away/distance myself or what to do? I would normally discuss my feelings with someone if I had an issue but just think my sibling would listen or understand.

    Thank you for reading.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    Yes eventually you stop with the blind loyalty to assh0le family members and learn to ignore them (as best you can).

    You are right to keep them away from your relationships when they are a toxic influence.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,550 ✭✭✭Wanderer2010

    Family can be as toxic as anyone else. Just because you have the same parents it doesnt mean they will get on with you or align with your morals in any way, shape or form. Its a myth that family has to stick together. Look at what, if any, positive qualities this person brings to your life. If the answer is none, walk away and stick to people who bring out the best in you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,068 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard

    Given the relationship you have with your sibling I'm not sure why you'd want them to come to your hospital appointments with you, but did you ever actually ask them?

    Anyway, as others have said, you're not obliged to have a relationship with someone just because they're family. You're perfectly entitled to cut this person out of your life. But you need to be aware that it will cause tension in the family and put your parents in a very awkward position, especially since it seems to be just the two of you in terms of children.

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    This type of family member makes things really difficult as you cycle in and out of getting along with him depending on how you handle his ridiculous behaviour. His high handed grandiose type posturing with you partners points to certain personality issues that your facing. Possibly narcissistic traits there anyway. Hes probably quite tolerable when hes allowed feel in control and "the man".

    That youve let potential long term partners go just to keep the family peace indicates some unhealthy family dynamics at play. Toxic enmeshment amongst others. Its a very bad move to loose out on love and kids or whatever you want due to demands and unreasonable behaviour from your family of origin.

    Id suggest you try and emotionally detach and just get on with your own life, put a bit of distance between you and your sibling so theres less of a threat to you and the safety of your other relationships. As you get older you tend to recognise the headmelters in your life and focus on the more rewarding relationships.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2 WhatToDoThanks

    Thank you so much for your replies. I guess for a long time I hoped as we got older and matured things would improve. But they haven’t. I am probably too soft/ sensitive. But the lack of support or empathy with my current health issue has just confirmed that time and maturing hasn’t changed our relationship. I just need to find a way to limit my interactions with my sibling without it effecting the rest of the family. I really don’t want to involve them or for it to have any effect on them.

    Have made an appointment to start some counselling regarding it all. The past few weeks have made me realise I’ve limited my life to some degree because of it (avoiding relationships, cared what they thought etc) and that we don’t know how long we have and to take full advantage of it. Thank you again for your input.

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  • Administrators Posts: 13,030 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I have 5 siblings. One of them hasn't spoken to me in 3 years. I don't think anyone notices! I didnt involve anyone else in the dispute. I didn't bad mouth the sibling. We both turn up to family events and talk to everyone except each other.

    It is very very possible to limit your contact with a family member without it affecting other relationships.

    I don't see why you would have expected them to offer to go to hospital appointments with you if that's not the type of relationship you've had. I'm not sure would I offer to go to ANYONE'S hospital appointments unless the person specifically mentioned they'd like me to go with them. It's a very personal thing and one where I'd wait to be asked before I'd volunteer myself.

    Just distance yourself now. It is entirely possible to do. Believe it or not, not every family is close and supportive of each other. But they can still plod along for the sake of occasional family gatherings.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,068 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard

    I have 5 siblings. One of them hasn't spoken to me in 3 years. I don't think anyone notices! I didnt involve anyone else in the dispute. I didn't bad mouth the sibling. We both turn up to family events and talk to everyone except each other.

    It is very very possible to limit your contact with a family member without it affecting other relationships.

    Much easier when there's six children in the dynamic rather than just two, though, which seems to be the case with the OP.

  • Registered Users Posts: 15,174 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes

    I don't think you should stop seeing the rest of your family.

    I don't think you should cut off your sibling 100% but just limit contact for when you need to be around them like once a year etc.