Why can't I stop feeling guilty?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.

So I wrote a thread here a few months ago about me basically chatting to a guy online but using someone else's pictures. Anyway obviously that has all stopped everything deleted etc but I still feel awfull about it and I can't understand it? It has been a few months now and I'm still thinking about it. I know it was wrong but I stopped it and have no contact with the guy. I have learned my lesson but why do i still feel so terrible?

Is it because of my anxiety or something else? Or maybe because I saw him a few weeks ago in passing. I really don't know what it is but I know it's over.

Any advice would be great. Thanks 🙂

seenitall

Hi OP,

I remember your thread, but vaguely. You probably still see this guy as a good opportunity missed or something, so of course you are going to feel bad about it for a while. And I’m sure seeing him IRL hasn’t helped with putting it behind you. But these feelings will pass.

Just make sure you have learned your lesson now, and never ever misrepresent yourself online like that. We all have our insecurities and have to deal with them in a realistic manner, no one is perfect, but doing what you did can only ever end one way, so remember that if an idea like that ever crosses your mind again. Good luck.

shameless liberal

Feelguilty2020 wrote: »

Hi everyone.

So I wrote a thread here a few months ago about me basically chatting to a guy online but using someone else's pictures. Anyway obviously that has all stopped everything deleted etc but I still feel awfull about it and I can't understand it? It has been a few months now and I'm still thinking about it. I know it was wrong but I stopped it and have no contact with the guy. I have learned my lesson but why do i still feel so terrible?

Is it because of my anxiety or something else? Or maybe because I saw him a few weeks ago in passing. I really don't know what it is but I know it's over.

Any advice would be great. Thanks 🙂

Hi OP,
I'm not sure how long you were speaking to this guy, but possibly you feed bad for both parties. Dating and its pursuit take a lot of energy and attention and I guess you occupied his under completely false pretences - if he had developed affectionate feelings for catfish-you, then maybe you feel guilty about that?

And maybe you liked this guy and wasted the opportunity to genuinely get to know him because you weren't being yourself? And maybe you need to reflect on why you chose to represent somebody else and not yourself. (You're you, you're great as you are, and the right person will accept and love you for that).

It might be time to surrender to it though. Acknowledge it, and exhale it and let it go. Surrender it to the universe and learn from it. I'm certain he has moved on, and you need to give yourself permission to do the same.

Airyfairy12

Its normal for people with very low self esteem to spend allot of time focusing on past mistakes and have regular feelings of shame, guilt and regret. People with low self esteem beat themselves up much more than people with a healthy, balanced outlook.
Having low self esteem will cause you to do inappropriate things like creating a fake online persona, those actions will then cause feelings of sadness, guilt and shame which youre currently now feeling and those feelings will keep you in a constant cycle of low self esteem and self hatred which will then cause further dysfunctional and self sabotaging behavior. You need to work on your self esteem and learn some basic emotional intelligence and mental health skills.

I really think you could benefit from CBT and mindfulness.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its normal for people with very low self esteem to spend allot of time focusing on past mistakes and have regular feelings of shame, guilt and regret. People with low self esteem beat themselves up much more than people with a healthy, balanced outlook.
Having low self esteem will cause you to do inappropriate things like creating a fake online persona, those actions will then cause feelings of sadness, guilt and shame which youre currently now feeling and those feelings will keep you in a constant cycle of low self esteem and self hatred which will then cause further dysfunctional and self sabotaging behavior. You need to work on your self esteem and learn some basic emotional intelligence and mental health skills.

I really think you could benefit from CBT and mindfulness.

I totally agree with this thanks for your input. I'm currently in couselling dealing with my self esteem issues and I'm also doing an online Cbt course with aware but I've a long road ahead. It's like I'm punishing myself or something? I know it's in the past and can't be changed but getting that into my brain is another thing.

I think I feel I missed out on something that may have had potential but again it's in the past and I have to learn how to let it there. I will never do such a stupid thing again.

alexpatt

I think it gets easier when you're ready to accept that you made a mistake. Tell yourself that it happened and you can't change it. Next time you'll be wiser. Positive self-talk helps a lot.

Sonic the Shaghog

Don't remember your last thread. While it's terrible form if you didn't meet up with him he probably thought you a messer that all men and women encounter in OLD so forgot about you after a few days.

So if you are honestly are sorry and won't be doing it again just forget about it at this stage.

PopZiggy

You feel bad because you led him on under false pretences but you wouldn't be the first woman using online dating to do such a thing.

Some women use extreme photo shopping and image manipulation (aka cat fishing) routinely to meet men, and I assume many men just put out as they've made the effort to turn up for the date.

I would assume this is long forgotten by the man and you need to move on and forget about it. Stop being so hard on yourself, but don't do it again.

Airyfairy12

Feelguilty2020 wrote: »

I totally agree with this thanks for your input. I'm currently in couselling dealing with my self esteem issues and I'm also doing an online Cbt course with aware but I've a long road ahead. It's like I'm punishing myself or something? I know it's in the past and can't be changed but getting that into my brain is another thing.

I think I feel I missed out on something that may have had potential but again it's in the past and I have to learn how to let it there. I will never do such a stupid thing again.

Something that can really help in those moments of overwhelming emotions of guilt, shame and regret is journaling and writing everything down. Write down how youre feeling, what thoughts are making you feel that way, the situations that happened that are replaying in your mind.
Sometimes when you write things down and read over it, you realise what youre stressing over isnt really that bad, the situation wasnt as embarrassing as you think it is or even if it was embarrassing, you might realise that youre being far to hard on yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone embarrasses themselves sometimes and everyone has regrets, thats life. It sounds to me that you over analyzing these mistakes and beating yourself up like you committed a murder or something. Youre a good person who made a mistake, no aspect of your behavior defines you as a person.

I read something recently that when we remember something that happened like an embarrassing moment or traumatic event, our brains cant distinguish between thoughts about something happening and something happening externally in real life. So every time you focus on something negative, your brain responds to that thought as if its happening to you in the present. This creates an emotional response that reopens emotional wounds or inflicts emotional trauma that you then have to heal from all over again.
By ruminating over past mistakes and reliving situations in your head, youre basically inflicting real trauma on yourself.
Try to control your thoughts because the more you allow yourself to think so negatively, the further you set yourself back and the more work you have to do to get yourself out of that cycle.