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Sexual abuse

  • 02-12-2020 9:46pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    Im going through a really difficult time and dont know what to do or who to turn to.
    I was raped 2 years ago and I didnt report it or tell anyone when it happened.

    I was in the pub in town with a group of friends and some acquaintances joined our group, in the group of acquaintances was a guy ive known for a couple of years. Hes very well known in town and is very popular, he's in a local band and everyone likes him.
    That night I had allot to drink just like everyone else there, we were having a great night out. Im normally very self aware when im drunk, most of the time people dont know if im drunk or sober, I never do anything I dont want to do or wouldnt do while sober, I always feel very in control. This night was different I got a bit carried away and drank over my limit, I was slurring my words.
    At closing time we all departed and said our goodbyes, the guy who I mentioned said he'd walk me home as he was going that way anyway, I know him years and I was talking to him throughout the night, just friendly chatting and having the craic, no flirting or anything. I trusted him so agreed, I thought of him as a friend.
    So as we were walking back to mine we were laughing and talking and having craic the whole way home so I asked him did he want to come in for some tea or a drink and he agreed.
    We went inside and I made him and myself a drink, now something happened that never happened to me before and has never happened since. I completely blacked out and passed out. This wasnt like just going to sleep it was like being unconscious. Ive never had this happen to me when drinking before and I passed out on the couch.
    After I dont know how long I woke up with this guy trying to carry me out of the room, When I woke up I was very disorientated and told him to stop and to go away, he brought me back to the couch where fell back into what I can only describe as an unconscious state.

    The house I was living in was shared with strangers and we all had locks for our bedroom door, I always locked my door when leaving. My key was in my bag.
    I woke up a second time, again disorientated but this time in my bedroom on my bed with no clothes on and him in the room. I remember feeling like I couldnt move, like my body was heavy and I was too weak to lift my arms or even move my head, I remember he said something to me but I couldnt make out what he said but he was touching me and on me and I wanted him to stop and was confused by what was happening. I passed out again.

    The next day I woke up lying in bed with just a sheet thrown over me, I had nothing on and he was gone. My door was left just slightly open, I always close my door. I always sleep with clothes on, no matter how drunk I am I never take all my clothes off. I couldnt have gotten my key out of my bag, walked to my bedroom, opened the door and got myself undressed.

    I felt shame, I was so embarrassed and as stupid as this sounds now looking back I was embarrassed thinking about what he must think of me for getting so drunk and passing out like I did. I felt anxious and confused, I wasnt sure what happened,
    maybe id asked for it and didnt remember? Maybe I had brought it on my self? Maybe im confused and imagined everything? Maybe I had taken my key out of my bag, walked with him to my bedroom, unlocked the door and seduced him but I knew I couldn't have, after that last drink I felt like all energy was drained from my body and like weights where tied to my arms and legs, I couldnt move.

    I avoided him when I saw him out because I felt so ashamed.
    It took me about 6 months to come to terms and accept what had happened. I know I could have reported it but I felt that it was his word against mine, no one would believe me, I didnt want to have to go to court or be questioned, I felt like it was my fault for getting drunk and trusting him and I brought it on myself, I also felt fear of not being believed and all the stress that would cause and in allot of ways I felt like if I was to report it id be causing hassle and drama and could ruin his life, I made excuses for him so I kept quiet but it ate away at me.
    For months the feelings of fear, shame and anxiety effected my mental health, I became really depressed and found it hard to trust other people, especially men, id been in a bad relationship before and had experienced men being aggressive & inappropriately sexual but this was different. I began not being able to leave the house so at this point I went to counselling. This was when I came to terms and accepted what had happened.

    The counsellor advised me to confide in a close friend or family member as id been holding this in for months. So I told a friend and she was supportive, I then told another friend what had happened but she told her sister and word got out what happened.
    As this guy is so popular, well liked and known around the town, it wasnt long before word got back to people who know him and himself.
    He denied anything happened and him and his friends, mostly his friends, have made my life hell. They spread things about me that im a liar and attention seeking, that im crazy and ive made this all up. I didnt spread this, I told two friends, I didnt want anyone to find out.
    Theres been social media posts shared by people in town about how people who lie about sexual abuse undermine people who have been raped and real victims and this why all women shouldnt be believed.
    I feel like the whole town is judging me and they all think im a liar and a bad person. Maybe I am bad? Maybe he didnt rape me and im just confused? But I know in my heart that he did something that night that he shouldnt have done yet I feel all this shame and feel like im the guilty one.
    I dont know what to do, I want to leave this town and never come back, my reputation is destroyed when he;s the one that should be feeling sorry for what he did.
    Ive never contacted him, maybe he really believes he did nothing wrong that night, maybe I am wrong?
    I dont know what to do.
    Thanks for reading.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul

    I'm so sorry to hear, it absolutely sounds like you were taken advantage of my a monster.
    Go to the police and file a report at least and mention about them harassing you and saying your lying around town.
    Can't imagine how your feeling but confide in friends as you have but make a report about this monster of a, can't even say because he's not a man.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,019 ✭✭✭lucalux

    OP, hiya, I don't have much advice for you besides get as much professional support as you can right now. The bigger questions might need answering but the first thing I think you need to do is make sure you are safe and feel supported to work through what did happen, and how it has left you feeling.

    Drunk sexual encounters have very blurred lines, and consent isn't something that is easy to prove or disprove.

    I can say that I have been there, and I understand what you describe. I hope you get more useful advice on here, I wish I could offer some.
    You are not destroyed by this, and you can move forward no matter what, try to remind yourself as much as possible of that.

  • Registered Users Posts: 982 ✭✭✭Rrrrrr2

    Someone doesn’t have to be penetrated to be raped.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭seenitall

    Hi OP,

    I’m very sorry that happened to you.

    If I were you, I would make an appointment to speak to someone in the Rape Crisis Centre. I’m sure your counsellor is fine, but these people will know a bit more about what kind of things you are going through exactly, and they may also have an idea of how best to deal with the injustice towards you that you feel is surrounding you in your social environment now. I’m sure that this is exactly the type of scenario they have more experience with than any other counsellor.

    All the best wishes to you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III

    Totally untrue. This would only make sense if he used force.
    Also, a woman can be 'wet' as you say, at anytime and doesnt mean she's turned on.

    I definitely don’t walk around the day after sex feeling differently (physically) to if I had not.

    OP, please contact the Rape Crisis Centre. They have trained, experienced, compassionate counselors who will help you work all this out.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,087 ✭✭✭stevek93

    I believe the guards have a very professional service in place for such.

    OP Stay strong and keep positive.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,368 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12

    KiKi III wrote: »
    I definitely don’t walk around the day after sex feeling differently (physically) to if I had not.

    OP, please contact the Rape Crisis Centre. They have trained, experienced, compassionate counselors who will help you work all this out.

    Exactly, unless sex is very rough or forceful theres no physical pain or any feeling associated with sex/penetration the next day.
    Totally ridiculous to suggest that she would know!

  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite

    Mod note:

    Some posts deleted /snipped as they quoted or replied to a deleted post.

    All posters are reminded that you give advice to the OP in a civil and constructive manner. Insinuations that this didn't happen to the OP won't be tolerated - a qualified professional counsellor that the OP attended in real life was of the opinion it was genuine enough to disclose to others.

  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda

    Hi OP,

    Firstly even if you had opened the door to your room and invited him in its sounds like you were still to incapacitated to give consent and therefore it is rape. I say incapacitated as there is a possibility that your were drugged, because it sounds like you were way beyond how you usually react to alcohol. I don't want to alarm you but that is very possible. Even if you weren't though, you could not have given consent, therefore its rape.

    People say go to the guards and of course that is what you should do but the reality is it is very difficult to get a conviction in court where there is no physical evidence. Knowing you were raped and proving you were raped are two different things. That said there could be CCTV footage of a very incapacitated you and him. So it might be possible. It might be worth making a complaint to the gardai anyway, though only do so in the full knowledge that the DPP may not proceed with charges. I am sorry to say that but unfortunately the law is not actually about justice, it is above proving beyond reasonable doubt that a crime was committed and who committed it. If the DPP don't feel they have enough evidence they won't proceed. I don't want to put you off but knowing people who have gone through the process its importance for your own sake to understand the difficulty of that process.

    I think it is more important that you somehow find a way to accept what happened, that it did happen and somehow learn to live with it. Believe yourself first. Never mind other people believing you. That's why you need to know, really know that someone who is so drunk they are unconscious cannot give consent, because you know you were unconscious, so you could not have given consent. I keep saying that so that you start to believe yourself. That you believe what your gut is telling you. You were raped. Contacting your local rape crisis centre is a good idea as they are experts in this type of counselling.

    Its really important that you learn to accept that it was not your fault, even if you were just very drunk, consent is consent and you were not able to give it. I would also be conscious that you may not be the only person this has happened to. It stands to reason that he may have done this to others. But unfortunately until he is caught he may not change.

    People might hate what I am about to say, but would you consider moving. Of course you should not have to move, of course you should be able to stay where you are, he should pay not you, but actually it might help you recover if you are not faced with having to deal with seeing him and feeling judged by the town. Regardless of whether you go to the gardai, a change of scene may be good for you. Is that something you can consider. Have you told any family? Can you? it would be good if you could have there support to recover.

    You absolutely can recover, you can move forward. Its just a matter of figuring out what you need to do that.

  • Registered Users Posts: 15,119 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes

    I feel like the whole town is judging me and they all think im a liar and a bad person. Maybe I am bad?

    You are a wonderful person.

    I would advise you surround yourself with things that reinforce that message right now.

    From what you described that sounds like more than alcohol. Were you drugged possibly?

    Even if you weren't ....he KNEW what he was doing.
    Theres been social media posts shared by people in town about how people who lie about sexual abuse undermine people who have been raped and real victims and this why all women shouldnt be believed.

    Move away from that energy.

    Remember people who feel the NEED to share that crap ...are usually trying to make themselves feel better about things they have done. So i wouldn't trust them.

    Contact the rape crisis center.

    Learn to uplifting music. Talk to GOOD people who have the RIGHT mindset about this. Free your mind from the negativity of some other people. Build yourself up a bit.

    I am so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 698 ✭✭✭Dual wheels

    Sounds like you were possibly given a sedative and he planned it, I think you need to speak with the rcc and maybe ask a friend to accompany you to the guards stay strong you are not wrong here

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme

    OP most people who are raped are attacked by somebody they know and trust. Contact the Rape Crisis Centre and tell them what happened. It was not your fault. Many people are only able to talk about being raped years after the event. Good luck.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III

    Sounds like you were possibly given a sedative and he planned it, I think you need to speak with the rcc and maybe ask a friend to accompany you to the guards stay strong you are not wrong here

    The most common date rape drug is alcohol.