Best friend struggling

LegacyUser

Hi All,

My best mate met a girl in March, they hit it off and were dating up until recently. They were getting to know each other and while lockdown was tough in terms of trying to do someform of dating, they managed to make it work.

Few times over the time she mentioned that she was holding back telling him some things about her as she wasnt ready, he didnt mind the slightiest as he was just happy to get to know her in her own time.

fast forward to few weeks ago, when on a night out walking, she mentions to him that something she wants to tell him, that she will have a tough time coming up and she will need support from him, he of course told her that he would be there. then in past few days they meet up as per norm, she says that there is something missing for her, shes not sure what but knows she no longer wants to see him.

My best mate was floored, he didnt know what to say, he thought all was good, there was no sign of trouble, they just has spent the weekend together, nothing was going wrong.

He left her place, he did ask her was it anything to do with what she mentioned before and she said no.

He couldn't get his head around it, he knew he needed time and give her time, she did
text him few days later to say she was sorry for hurting him, that she was grateful for what he had done for her past few months and wish him all the best.

Now I am biased but I think what she has done is cruel as she has left my mate hanging. I understand if she has some stuff to go through but why ask for support then dump him??

I know by him that he is really hurt over it, he's a big tall broad guy but this has knocked him.

Does anyone have similiar experience or advice as I am worried about him given time of the year and restrictions not helping.

Airyfairy12

You dont know what went on in the relationship, youre getting one side of the story from your friend, no matter what way you slice it there are two sides to everything.
Secondly you have no idea whats going on with his ex, her history, her mental health, nothing. Breaking up with someone, although not pleasant, its entirely allowed and not cruel. Cruelty insinuates abuse, thats not the case here.
from what youve said about their breakup it sounds as though she was honest and respectful. She even checked up on him with a thank you message. That doesnt sound like cruel to me or leaving someone hanging, leaving someone hanging implies theyre left not knowing where they stand, she told him where he stands and broke up with him, that is the opposite of leaving someone hanging.
From the beginning she expressed she had issues so again, this didn't come out of nowhere, throughout your post she sounds confused and dealing with something difficult behind the scenes, as a result of this she broke up with him which she is in her right to do.

What happened in the relationship between them is just that, between them, not you. By all means support your friend and be there for him but dragging her through the mud for simply breaking up with him helps no one.

Tig98

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You dont know what went on in the relationship, youre getting one side of the story from your friend, no matter what way you slice it there are two sides to everything.
Secondly you have no idea whats going on with his ex, her history, her mental health, nothing. Breaking up with someone, although not pleasant, its entirely allowed and not cruel. Cruelty insinuates abuse, thats not the case here.
from what youve said about their breakup it sounds as though she was honest and respectful. She even checked up on him with a thank you message. That doesnt sound like cruel to me or leaving someone hanging, leaving someone hanging implies theyre left not knowing where they stand, she told him where he stands and broke up with him, that is the opposite of leaving someone hanging.
From the beginning she expressed she had issues so again, this didn't come out of nowhere, throughout your post she sounds confused and dealing with something difficult behind the scenes, as a result of this she broke up with him which she is in her right to do.

What happened in the relationship between them is just that, between them, not you. By all means support your friend and be there for him but dragging her through the mud for simply breaking up with him helps no one.

The "cruel" aspect is not the breaking up, its the leading up to the break up. She confided in him about her troubles to some degree, and gave a going forward remark about needing his support as she talked him through some of her problems. If he didn't already care enough about her, he definitely did then.
Then she dropped him seemingly out of nowhere, despite giving indications that she was warming to him and they would have a degree of confidence.


But, yeah, I do think its something he just needs to get over. Break ups are never easy, but at least it came to a clean finish. You, or your friend, have literally no idea what goes on in her life, and sometimes you just genuinely dont have the time for a partner in all that mess.

It was kinda ****ty how she lead him on to a degree, but people make mistakes. Time to pick up and move on

Kraftwerk

If you start dating someone and they come out with the slow drip of "there's something you should know but I can't tell you", "I'll need your support but I can't tell you why" you can be fairly sure she'll be gone once she gets to the big reveal. It's all attention seeking.

Your pal will feel crap for a while and get over it. All part of dating.

Airyfairy12

Tig98 wrote: »

The "cruel" aspect is not the breaking up, its the leading up to the break up. She confided in him about her troubles to some degree, and gave a going forward remark about needing his support as she talked him through some of her problems. If he didn't already care enough about her, he definitely did then.
Then she dropped him seemingly out of nowhere, despite giving indications that she was warming to him and they would have a degree of confidence.

Sounds like she's going through allot of personal stuff and is confused about her feelings and her life in general, in this case it doesnt sound like she purposefully led him on to hurt him. Also, I dont consider opening up to someone 'leading them on' in the moment its easy to open up to anyone, even complete strangers.
I just dont think its fair to hold that against her when her head is so obviously all over the place.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You dont know what went on in the relationship, youre getting one side of the story from your friend, no matter what way you slice it there are two sides to everything.
Secondly you have no idea whats going on with his ex, her history, her mental health, nothing. Breaking up with someone, although not pleasant, its entirely allowed and not cruel. Cruelty insinuates abuse, thats not the case here.
from what youve said about their breakup it sounds as though she was honest and respectful. She even checked up on him with a thank you message. That doesnt sound like cruel to me or leaving someone hanging, leaving someone hanging implies theyre left not knowing where they stand, she told him where he stands and broke up with him, that is the opposite of leaving someone hanging.
From the beginning she expressed she had issues so again, this didn't come out of nowhere, throughout your post she sounds confused and dealing with something difficult behind the scenes, as a result of this she broke up with him which she is in her right to do.

What happened in the relationship between them is just that, between them, not you. By all means support your friend and be there for him but dragging her through the mud for simply breaking up with him helps no one.

Appreciate your response. Just to pick up on one thing you mentioned about cruelty, you are correct in your definition however I posted cruel, which has many meanings and different ways it can be used, in my case I meant it as the way she handled how it ended, certainly NOT in an abusive manner, apologies if thats how it came across.

I agree with what you are saying about her right, however I did not "drag her through tte mud" as you out it, I asked for advice as I pointed out I am biased and wanted different perspectives to talk to my mate about, so thank you for yours

LegacyUser

Tig98 wrote: »

The "cruel" aspect is not the breaking up, its the leading up to the break up. She confided in him about her troubles to some degree, and gave a going forward remark about needing his support as she talked him through some of her problems. If he didn't already care enough about her, he definitely did then.
Then she dropped him seemingly out of nowhere, despite giving indications that she was warming to him and they would have a degree of confidence.


But, yeah, I do think its something he just needs to get over. Break ups are never easy, but at least it came to a clean finish. You, or your friend, have literally no idea what goes on in her life, and sometimes you just genuinely dont have the time for a partner in all that mess.

It was kinda ****ty how she lead him on to a degree, but people make mistakes. Time to pick up and move on

Thanks alot for this, you certainly put it across better than I did. I cant argue with anything you said and as you nicely put it, Time to pick up and move on

LegacyUser

Kraftwerk wrote: »

If you start dating someone and they come out with the slow drip of "there's something you should know but I can't tell you", "I'll need your support but I can't tell you why" you can be fairly sure she'll be gone once she gets to the big reveal. It's all attention seeking.

Your pal will feel crap for a while and get over it. All part of dating.

Thanks for replying.

I dont believe it to be attention seeking, I do think there was a genuineness there at a point.

Youre right tho, he will get over it, I just wanted get some different thoughts to my own to help.

HildaOgdenx

'I am worried about him given time of the year and restrictions not helping.'

All that you can do OP, is make an extra effort to keep in touch, and meet up with him, if and when that is feasible.

If you are fearful for his mental health, there might be something in the attached link that would help to spark a conversation, if needed.

https://www2.hse.ie/wellbeing/mental-health/covid-19/minding-your-mental-health-during-the-coronavirus-outbreak.html

You sound like a good friend.

Rrrrrr2

A head melt if ever I heard one. I think he’s had a lucky escape- all that drama about “holding things back” I hate that stuff- either say what you have to say or you don’t - borderline game playing/attention seeking to my mind

LegacyUser

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

'I am worried about him given time of the year and restrictions not helping.'

All that you can do OP, is make an extra effort to keep in touch, and meet up with him, if and when that is feasible.

If you are fearful for his mental health, there might be something in the attached link that would help to spark a conversation, if needed.

https://www2.hse.ie/wellbeing/mental-health/covid-19/minding-your-mental-health-during-the-coronavirus-outbreak.html

You sound like a good friend.

Thanks very much for this. I am only doing the same as he would for me.

Porklife

Sometimes when we open up to someone we feel a sense of vulnerability afterwards and it makes us retract. She may have liked your friend and felt ready to confide in him but once she did, she felt uncomfortable and realised shes not ready for this or at the least, not ready for something with him.
It's a good sign of her character that she messaged afterwards to say sorry for hurting him, that was really nice of her.

You're being a good friend and its lovely you say hed do the same for you. Just listen when he talks and cheer him up. He will be fine in time, time heals all wounds big and small

I agree with Airy that the girl did nothing wrong and there are two sides to every story. This just sounds like she wasn't as into it as she originally thought and she decided to be honest.

strandroad

You're a good friend but the best thing to do now for your friend is just to support him through it without appointing blame...

From your description the girl did nothing wrong, there was a genuine connection so she wanted to open up about something difficult in her life, but when she realised that what she feels is not enough she pulled back without burdening him. All open and quite thoughtful seeing how she cared to message him.

This particular genuine connection didn't work out for your friend so he is understandably disappointed; I would support him so that he can acknowledge it including the hurt but remain hopeful for another one.

cannotlogin

Treat it the exact way you would any other break up, the why's etc don't matter. Be careful not to slay her off it cause she reappears etc. Just be there for him as it sounds like he needs support.

LegacyUser

Porklife wrote: »

Sometimes when we open up to someone we feel a sense of vulnerability afterwards and it makes us retract. She may have liked your friend and felt ready to confide in him but once she did, she felt uncomfortable and realised shes not ready for this or at the least, not ready for something with him.

I reckon this is what's hurting him, he thought he had made her feel safe to open up, in her own time of course. He wasn't going to run.

Thanks for replying

LegacyUser

strandroad wrote: »

she wanted to open up about something difficult in her life, but when she realised that what she feels is not enough she pulled back without burdening him. All open and quite thoughtful seeing how she cared to message him

Yes I think he's beating himself up over this. There was never any pressure or rush on his part. Guess he felt it was going somewhere when she gave some detail.

Thanks for replying

LegacyUser

cannotlogin wrote: »

Treat it the exact way you would any other break up, the why's etc don't matter. Be careful not to slay her off it cause she reappears etc. Just be there for him as it sounds like he needs support.

Part of reason I came here, I wanted get different views to allow me help him.

Thanks for replying

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just to give an update on this, my friend texted her to see if she was doing ok and if she would be willing to meet up to talk and she has agreed to it.

Told him not to get his hopes up but whatever happens after this, he might get some peace.

Thanks all