Coming to terms with relationship ending

LegacyUser

My first ever relationship came to an end during the summer. I won't say it came out of nowhere if you take the 15 months of our relationship together, we had a lot of problems. I don't believe it was to do with who we are as people; I want to believe that we were two insecure people with strong feelings for the other and this was a bit of a recipe for (intermittent disaster). It's important to state that it wasn't a toxic relationship and there were many positive aspects to it. But I can't help the feeling that I was set up to fail. She never trusted me fully, it almost felt like she needed me play up to the image she had in her head of me. Often, we would just fight out of nowhere. The cycle was always the same; We would be getting on great just shooting the breeze about life and everything else and generally just enjoying some nice exchanges. Then after the high of the chat, the next day would be a bit more lowkey and uneventful. We'd talk but it was the typical day to day chat. Slowly, the situation would deteriorate as if the day to day monotony of Long Distance crept in. Eventually, we'd end up fighting because I didn't call her, share enough, etc. We never just settled into a low key warmth to one another and I have no idea why?

I'm not hopelessly pining for her but I do miss our times. I always felt we'd eventually discover one another and find a happy place in the relationship. Even now, I wonder how we fought so much? Was it a personality thing? We shared such a similar view of life but maybe our temperament was too different? Her being my first relationship didn't help either. I really feel the better of what we had together and just consider myself a happier person than I ever was throughout my 20's. The relationship freed up my mind. I found out I was imperfect which might seem weird but I found acceptance in that- For so long I was paralyzed to open up, felt I was broken and unlovable. Then she walked into my life and like something clicked in my brain.

The problem is that I have to come to terms with the reality of the relationship. As much as I hold my ex in my heart, even reading back on this short post highlights how we weren't right for one another. I don't know how to come to terms with that given that I've never been as comfortable or as close to someone in my life. Accepting that while we had some great memories, the reality was it was a transitory relationship. We shared some great memories but it was tough work. Our sex life wasn't great and I have to say she was so compassionate, patient and understanding. I'd been in bed with girls before but she was my first time. I found her so attractive but even then, more times than not, I'd struggle to get the guy downstairs to show up.

I've accepted my own imperfections, but accepting that our relationship was a below average one; the girl that I've thought about everyday since we first met. Even now, what pains me is that even if she came back and said she made a mistake, it wouldn't be the same. The relationship ended, even though in my wistful heart I can only dream of that happening, if it did, we could never go back. I'd be delighted to hear from her(she blocked me on everything) but it would just open up wounds and put me back to square one.

I know this is a long post and a bit scatter gunned but there is so many facets to it. I keep stopping myself from sending her a goodbye letter. Nothing overly romantic but just one final goodbye. She helped me when I needed it most yet paradoxically, took the floor from underneath me when she cut things off.

TheadoreT

For something you say there's many facets to you've written a whole lot here without saying much at all. Aside for the erection problems (which may have been reason enough for her to leave as most women would eventually grow impatient) the post is very sparse on detail.

You hint at long distance and insecurities without explaining a great deal, you need to be more to the point and less cryptic if you want replies.