being ghosted again

LegacyUser

im going unreg for this, Im 50 and back on the dating scene after 15 years. I met a nice guy around my own age on a dating app and we met afew times and liked each other. He called to me unexpectedly one Saturday afternoon only giving me 10 minutes notice. I was having a lazy day catching up with the soaps and wasnt even dressed. There was no way i was going to let him see me like that and i had a shower, dressed and put make up on which took half an hour altogether. Meanwhile he was true to his word and called 10 mins later as he said he would. I called down and told him i would be down soon. I thought everything was ok and seemimgly it was until the following day when he sent me one text and then completely blanked me. I thought this very odd as he left on good terms and was friendly, I texted him a couple of times on whatsapp when I saw him online but he wouldnt read my messages or listen to the voicemail I left. I deleted his number but was still very confused as to what happened. Foolishly I contacted him a week later on the dating app and left him a nice message asking what i had done etc. exactly a week after that he explained what happened, seems a girl he went out with who he really loved destroyed his confidence with women when he found out that she was cheating on him for a full year with another guy and he walked in and caught them together. He thought that I was hiding some guy that day in another bedroom and thats the reason why I couldnt come down pronto. quite unbelievable.....we stayed in touch and 2 weeks ago he apologised for his behaviour and asked if we could give it another try, I told him in no uncertain terms that I would give him one last chance to redeem himself but that if he messed me around anymore then thats it. Fast forward to yesterday after a couple more nice dates within that 2 week period he has suddenly without warning just disappeared again. no answer to texts or a phonecall(he declined my call)its really baffling can someone please throw light on this, I just need closure at this stage

Xterminator

Hi OP

What are you looking for here?

Ghosting is a common modern phenomenon - thats one of the reasons why the term has even become a dictionary word. Logically you know this. Technologically it is easy to cut communication. It is easier for the ghoster to do so, that to be an adult and do the right thing. Any human nature being what it is, some people take the easy way out.

You have been ghosted and it is very unpleasant and does i believe reflect badly on the person doing the ghosting, and does not reflect in any way on the worth of the person who is ghosted. I hope you accept this too.

But this doesn't prevent you from feeling crap. You have been treated disrespectfully. You will never get closure, but then i dont think when relationship broke down in the past, there was any certainty on getting closure anyway! you will have to try to accept it might mean the people you chose to go out with were morally deficient enough to treat you like this.

To make a friendship is to open yourself up to being hurt. I think you either give online dating a rest, or you put it behind you and try to live your life, putting these experiences down to their cowardice.

Idle Passerby

You shouldn't have bothered giving him another try. He thought you were hiding a man in the other room? Come on, that's nuts!

I'd think it was a bit presumptious for someone you've just met to land on your doorstep with 10mins warning and then throw a strop because you weren't ready to dance to his tune when he called. Your better off without that drama.

eviltwin

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You shouldn't have bothered giving him another try. He thought you were hiding a man in the other room? Come on, that's nuts!

I'd think it was a bit presumptious for someone you've just met to land on your doorstep with 10mins warning and then throw a strop because you weren't ready to dance to his tune when he called. Your better off without that drama.

This

Its horrible what he did OP but he's probably done you a favour. In time you wil probably see this. And as Xterminator said its not a reflection on you at all.

Its bound to knock your confidence but there are nice blokes out there. Next time that someone waves a red flag in your face don't ignore it.

bitofabind

You gave him one more chance to redeem himself and he failed miserably. So now you hold true to your word and cut him off entirely. Block him. This is respecting yourself and your boundaries.

You're new to the online dating malark so I'll bring you up to speed: boundaries are important in this world. You can meet a lot of people who will say one thing and do the other. Damaged people with unresolved wounds and commitment issues. You sound like a very nice, reasonable woman. The tendency when you're nice and reasonable is to assume that other people are too. And this is where clowns like this fella slip through the net.

If someone I'd dated a few times rocked up to my house unexpectedly with ten minutes notice, I'd tell him I'm busy, if he wants to meet up he can schedule in advance. This is rude, inappropriate behaviour, rule it out before it escalates like it then did.

Deeper Blue

To be frank, he sounds like a tool. You're better off OP.

Online dating is tough but you never know when someone great will come along. I'm sure it'll happen for you sooner rather than later. Stick with it.

Sonic the Shaghog

If he's telling the truth about his issues then while it's very sad and I feel for him you don't need this hassle when you barely know him.

Then it could also be he's just a messer and used it as excuse to make you feel sorry for him and to let him back in

Meeoow

In my experience, when a partner assumes that you are cheating on them, it's them doing the cheating.

Airyfairy12

In my opinion youre investing far to much into someone who you were just getting to know. Youre finding out now that the two of you arent suited to each other, best thing to do is accept it and move on to someone else.

JustAThought

I’d also say maybe don’t be sharing with guys you just met online your address - what if you realised he was a horrorshow or violent or a nutjob - now he knows where you live and can stalk you or pester you or drive you crazy pestering you or dropping round all the time.

As for manners - you kept him waiting half an hour while he sat downstairs? How just absolutely disrespectful and just rude. If you didn’t want him over you should have said it didn’t suit or put him off til later. I’m not surprised he thought you had another man up there. And equally unsurprised that, at that early stage if a relationship, he possibly decided that if you’d treat him like than then it was only going to continue like that or get worse. A little manners, honesty, practicality and consideration goes a long way.

Did you do that to the first ghoster too?

Saralace

Lucky your not dating him he would be worse

Purple Mountain

JustAThought wrote: »

I’d also say maybe don’t be sharing with guys you just met online your address - what if you realised he was a horrorshow or violent or a nutjob - now he knows where you live and can stalk you or pester you or drive you crazy pestering you or dropping round all the time.

As for manners - you kept him waiting half an hour while he sat downstairs? How just absolutely disrespectful and just rude. If you didn’t want him over you should have said it didn’t suit or put him off til later. I’m not surprised he thought you had another man up there. And equally unsurprised that, at that early stage if a relationship, he possibly decided that if you’d treat him like than then it was only going to continue like that or get worse. A little manners, honesty, practicality and consideration goes a long way.

Did you do that to the first ghoster too?

He turned up at the door, it would have been more rude of her to open the door, say sorry I'm not available now.
I'm sure he was able to fend for himself for 30 minutes in a warm house.
OP, there's no light to be shone. There could be ten different reasons he ghosted you and it'd just he speculation on our part here.
The most important lesson for you is not to get invested early in case this happens again.

JustAThought

Purple Mountain wrote: »

He turned up at the door, it would have been more rude of her to open the door, say sorry I'm not available now.
I'm sure he was able to fend for himself for 30 minutes in a warm house.
OP, there's no light to be shone. There could be ten different reasons he ghosted you and it'd just he speculation on our part here.
The most important lesson for you is not to get invested early in case this happens again.

He gave her a ten minute warning. She could have said it didn’t suit or not to come. Instead she left him waiting for 40 minutes downstairs. That’s downright rude. She was so long and entirely absent that he thought she was having sex with someone else upstairs! And she’s wondering why he ghosted her!!!

Of course it may not have been that but its clear it mattered to him and although he ‘gave her another chance’ he didn’t see what he originally thought he saw and silently ended it. I’d still treat the next guy better and maybe wait before having them over & jumping into a sexual relationship with them. Then it would possibly hurt less when /if it ended suddendly.

Airyfairy12

JustAThought wrote: »

I’d also say maybe don’t be sharing with guys you just met online your address - what if you realised he was a horrorshow or violent or a nutjob - now he knows where you live and can stalk you or pester you or drive you crazy pestering you or dropping round all the time.

Just on this, I missed this entirely, op id really suggest you don't give strange men your address, even if youve been on a few dates with him as you never know what some people are capable of. The fact he could just show up at your house when youre only getting to know him is concerning.

Katgurl

He was the one who was rude popping in with ten minutes notice. The OP obviously takes care with her appearance which is probably one of the things he likes about her.

Op he was quite correct that he has problems if his first thought was that you were hiding a man. It's hard to get over being cheated on but you're not his therapist and if he's not ready he shouldn't be out there wasting your time.

You gave him another chance, he blew it. I hope you meet someone nice soon.

lainey_d_123

JustAThought wrote: »

I’d also say maybe don’t be sharing with guys you just met online your address - what if you realised he was a horrorshow or violent or a nutjob - now he knows where you live and can stalk you or pester you or drive you crazy pestering you or dropping round all the time.

As for manners - you kept him waiting half an hour while he sat downstairs? How just absolutely disrespectful and just rude. If you didn’t want him over you should have said it didn’t suit or put him off til later. I’m not surprised he thought you had another man up there. And equally unsurprised that, at that early stage if a relationship, he possibly decided that if you’d treat him like than then it was only going to continue like that or get worse. A little manners, honesty, practicality and consideration goes a long way.

Did you do that to the first ghoster too?

Some guy she barely knows calls over with no notice, and you think OP is the rude one in this scenario?

If you honestly think the logical conclusion of a woman keeping someone waiting downstairs while she gets ready is that she must be having sex with some other fella, you need professional help.

Anyone who uses 'I was cheated on in a prior relationship' to pull this kind of nonsense needs to be shown the door immediately. It is NOT the responsibility of a new partner to pander to someone's past traumas - that's what therapists are for. When I was younger and more naive, I put up with some of that rubbish and ended up suffering hugely for it. There should be no mention of any past partner as justification for behaviour, ever. It's totally unacceptable to make a totally innocent person pay for someone else's mistakes.

Major red flag here OP - he basically tried to set a trap for you to soothe his own (totally unreasonable) paranoia and then came to a ridiculous conclusion. The next time someone ghosts you after something like this, let yourself be ghosted and consider yourself lucky.

Warrachie

Block his number and move on.

Porklife

He knew he had given her very short notice and chances are she'd need time to get herself ready as most people would. The fact his first assumption is that she must be having sex with another man is insane! The flag couldn't be any redder or more glaring!! Past relationship issues or not, that's paranoid delusional behaviour and the OP has dodged a massive bullet.
I've also found in the past with suspicious boyfriend's, they were the ones hiding shady behaviour trying to deflect it onto me.

Op dust yourself off and move on from this experience knowing he is not someone you would want in your life and look forward to meeting someone else in a more positive light.

Agree not to give your address to people you barely know let alone let them into your house while you're upstairs getting ready. A friend of mine offered her postman a cup of tea would day he was delivering post in the rain. She was being friendly and she knew him from doing the rounds. As the kettle was boiling she went upstairs to get something and next minute he followed her. Luckily shes a feisty woman and she went crazy and he legged it but let that be a lesson to you Op. These things can and do unfortunately happen.

Jequ0n

Lol, thats the most ridiculous “reason” I ever heard of, no way that could have been genuine.

Calling over unannounced is a great way to control the situation though and will have given him some insights into you and your life. If I were you I’d be more worried what he could have found out/ been up to while you were upstairs getting ready.

Never assume other people have the same morals you do.

Salthillprom

Gotta say, the whole 'hiding a guy in the other room' thing was just an excuse by him in my view. And I don't believe he really thought that. You said that you left on good terms the day he randomly showed up at your house. Come on.. If he really thought there was another guy hiding upstairs there's no way he'd habe been able to act normally and leave on good terms. If that was the case, he deserves an oscar. He just said that to you afterwards, in my opinion, as an excuse to rekindle something after he did in fact ghost you. He then, for whatever reason, decided to get back with you, and again down the line decided it wasn't for him. You don't need closure, you have got closure. He has, through silence, yet again told you he isn't interested. If he comes back a 3rd time, do yourself a favour and don't reply to his messages. In fact, block him on WhatsApp before he gets the chance to message again. It's a harsh truth but it has to be said, this guy isn't for you. Don't waste another second on him.

rainbowtrout

JustAThought wrote: »

He gave her a ten minute warning. She could have said it didn’t suit or not to come. Instead she left him waiting for 40 minutes downstairs. That’s downright rude. She was so long and entirely absent that he thought she was having sex with someone else upstairs! And she’s wondering why he ghosted her!!!

If he thought the only reason that she was upstairs was that she was having sex with another person then he is the one with the problem.

She let him into her house, presumably in her pyjamas and no make up, I assume the conversation went something like 'make yourself at home, I'm just going to get ready I'll be down in a while' and half an hour later she appears showered, dressed, groomed, with make up on. And yet the guy thinks that even though she clearly spent her time sprucing herself up, that she still had time to fit in sex with some other guy she was hiding in her bedroom????

He called to her with no notice, she could have just sat and entertained him in her pyjamas, then maybe he'd have thought she was a slob who put in no effort.

Not sure you can do much about this one OP. If he's going to jump to such wild conclusions then you've dodged a bullet, move on.

Porklife

I don't believe even the most fervent coke addict could be that paranoid! It's clearly an excuse but it's a very sinister misogynist excuse even if he is a wind up merchant. It's wrong for so many reasons and I'm surprised you didn't laugh in his face the more I think of it!

<Snip: No pot shots at other posters.>OP, dont give another second of your time!

HildaOgdenx

OP, remember that we train others in how to treat us. Don't accept this kind of nonsense from anyone.

He sounds like he was writing a plot for a very bad soap opera. I would echo not giving your home address to someone you really don't know well.

Block and move on, you dodged a bullet, in my opinion.

qwerty13

His behaviour is so bizarre to me that I wondered if anything has gone missing from your house, while he was downstairs alone. I don’t really know why that popped into my head, but I’d be checking if any cash / bank card / bank statements were missing.

The next time (with a different guy), I wouldn’t be so quick to give out my address. Maybe he lives in a world where it’s fine to drop in uninvited. That’s not my world though - and especially not someone I barely know! I think this shows the need to be able to say when you are uncomfortable / something does suit you, as in “no, it doesn’t suit me for you to drop in today, let’s arrange something tomorrow”.

IAMAMORON

I think there was a pair of you in this and the reality is that not everything works out.

I think when he tried to call over you massively overreacted. A simple " I am not ready now, please call later" etc etc would suffice there. But leaving him hanging around while you get dolled up is a bit much also. I think you have to accept a bit of responsibility for your own behaviour here.

His excuse was appalling, but, you were the one reaching out to him for confirmation of why he was dumping you as this point? In his eyes he thinks you are a bit desperate, especially when you forced yourself into the corner of contacting him for some sort of confirmation that he was not into playing any games?

Any person would be miffed hanging around outside a house for half an hour whilst their date does there hair?

What is coming your way will not pass you by, put it down to experience. But I cannot help feeling that there was two of you in this and at the end of the day, he got a bit peeved with your games. As I said you crossed a few boundaries yourself when you persisted in trying to contact him via the dating App as opposed to a normal phone call or text? It cuts both ways, the reality is that once you did this he was letting you down easy. You have failed to see this and that is probably what upsets you most.

Yes, ghosting is spineless, but it is also extremely common and if you going to be dating you need to get used to it.

Tork

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Anyone who uses 'I was cheated on in a prior relationship' to pull this kind of nonsense needs to be shown the door immediately.

Got to agree with this. One of my friends got involved with a guy with this baggage (or so he claimed) and it was licence for him to mess her about, basically. I don't like the sound of the guy in the OP's thread and I think she has had a lucky escape. Block him and be careful about telling strangers where you live from now on.