Married nearly 14 years and had to kick him out today

katiek102010

He's an alcoholic and started drinking again.

I have given him chance over chance over the years. I have put up with emotional abuse financial abuse and I can't go back to that again.

We have 1 child(12). Over the years he had cut his own family off. He can be very ignorant. I had to play the long game as we were in the UK and I tried to leave him over there and come home but he threatened me wurh having me arrested for kidnapping, which he could do under uk law. I got him to agree to come home, he did. His mother is here.

Since I kicked him out today he will not stop texting me. Its continuous. He won't stop. He's looking for money, pretending the car has broken down he needs help etc.

I text him his mothers phone no and told him to ring her. He hasn't spoken to her in 10 years but she always sent a birthday card and Christmas card.

He has no friends, I mean none. I have long suspected he may have undiagnosed issues but he refused to go to GP etc.

Part of me thinks he may be liable to do something. My friends and family think it's just him trying to control me again.

Am I right in ignoring him? I have given him his mothers number

Big Bag of Chips

I suggested you block his number for a little while. Just to give yourself breathing space. It's not your responsibility that he has no friends. It's not your responsibility that he doesn't speak to his mother.

He is an addict and getting what he wants will always come ahead of everything else. The more you stay propping him up, even if that's just receiving and replying to his texts, the more he will look for from you.

Give yourself a bit of peace. He's an adult man. You can't help fix him until he realises he is his own biggest problem.

Open the Pubs

I've seen it said in news this week that alcoholics are really struggling with the lockdown and many are relapsing due to boredom and other pressures. Also a lot of services for alcoholism like the groups meetings and some counselling services are shutdown or not as frequent.

I think it's worth bearing in mind. He may find it very difficult to get much help at the moment.

Open the Pubs

Also, is there a reason he hasn't spoken to his mother in ten years?

If he has no friends or family in contact with, where is he sleeping his car?

LegacyUser

You were absolutely right. I say this as the child of an alcoholic. My mother did it with 3 kids on her own and while it wasnt easy, it's much preferable to the nightmare of living with an alcoholic man.

My mother let him back once and he went back at it she put him back out for good and our lives were all the better for it. He also was cut off from his family and didn't attend his mother or twin brothers funeral.

Bitter abusive alcoholics can get fkd out lockdown or no lockdown imo. There's plenty of peace in when the man in the house is sober, Irish fellas are gonna have their pints but the ones that are drunk all the time are no good to anybody at all and need to really figure out if they ever want to be and knock it on the head or just spiral every increasingly downward as a pisshead. Plenty of nice lovely pissheads too but it's not what makes a good partner or father, alcohol destroys a lot of men who probably would be great guys otherwise. Once it gets a hold of them, they need to do some serious inner work to turn it around. Some fellas can't but until he is out on his rear he may never face the issue of his drinking at all because he's drinking in his own house from his point of view no one gonna stop him.

katiek102010

Open the Pubs wrote: »

I've seen it said in news this week that alcoholics are really struggling with the lockdown and many are relapsing due to boredom and other pressures. Also a lot of services for alcoholism like the groups meetings and some counselling services are shutdown or not as frequent.

I think it's worth bearing in mind. He may find it very difficult to get much help at the moment.

He has never gone to meetings. He refuses too. I paid 5k for private counselling for him a few years ago and he has point blank refused to go near AA or anything else.

He doesn't work, he refuses too so it's not as if he's struggling with being at home. He had 1 job to take son to and from school

katiek102010

Open the Pubs wrote: »

Also, is there a reason he hasn't spoken to his mother in ten years?

If he has no friends or family in contact with, where is he sleeping his car?

I'm unsure why, I think they had words and I was under instruction to break off all communication with her and she was never to speak to or see our son.

He was playing silly beggers with my step kids at the time and my gut said it was to do with that. They were older teens and shortly after that contact stopped with them.

He's probably sleeping in the car. He can ring her or council homeless service.

Big Bag of Chips

Katie, you have done the right thing. It will be very easy for people who have not lived with a problem drinker in their lives to advise you to be empathetic towards him, or give him another chance, or try to save your family etc.

People who have never lived the life can't possibly understand. Even people who have lived the life will have had different experiences. You must make the right decision for you and your child. Somebody else's right decision isn't yours.

This isn't something you decided on a whim. It's not something you regularly do after a row twice a week. This is your life. And if you don't change it, it will never change.

Mind yourself now. Mind your child. Talk to them, let them talk to you. They will be conflicted in that they will love and hate their dad at the same time. They'll hate the drinking, but be concerned about where he is and how he is. Let the school know what's happening and they should be able to organise a counsellor in school to just have a chat.

You've taken the step you've needed to take. This change might spur him into making his own changes, or it might not. But right now that's not your concern. Well done. It's not easy.

ILoveYourVibes

katiek102010 wrote: »

My friends and family think it's just him trying to control me again.

Am I right in ignoring him? I have given him his mothers number

Your family and friends are right.

You are correct to ignore him.

Try not to think about him.

He sounds like a toddler.

When a toddler is having a rage ...you can't talk to that...you have let it play out and simmer down.

You have to let him play out for a few months.

katiek102010

Thanks, the texts simmered out overnight

cannotlogin

Are you safe? Is he likely to come back?

Might be worth mentioning it to the local guard station. I don't mean to scare you but if he drinks all day and has nowhere to go, is there a risk her returns angry?

Just make sure you are protected. A safety order might be appropriate if he is an angry drunk.

katiek102010

cannotlogin wrote: »

Are you safe? Is he likely to come back?

Might be worth mentioning it to the local guard station. I don't mean to scare you but if he drinks all day and has nowhere to go, is there a risk her returns angry?

Just make sure you are protected. A safety order might be appropriate if he is an angry drunk.

I don't think he will. Hopefully he won't anyway and if he does I'll call guards. He's a stupid drunk. It's when he's sobering up he's angry

Jequ0n

I have nothing to contribute that would help you now but wanted to wish you good luck. Hope you have the support you need.

I would advise you get in touch with Women's Aid on Monday to check out your legal rights or they have a 24hr National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900.

He is still your child's Dad and if you owned the house together he still has a right to come and go legally unless you apply for (and are granted) a safety /protection / barring order.

Keep your phone blocked for now, I hope you get a bit of headspace this weekend.

katiek102010

Deleted User wrote: »

I would advise you get in touch with Women's Aid on Monday to check out your legal rights or they have a 24hr National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900.

He is still your child's Dad and if you owned the house together he still has a right to come and go legally unless you apply for (and are granted) a safety /protection / barring order.

Keep your phone blocked for now, I hope you get a bit of headspace this weekend.

We were renting thankfully, his drinking has cost us our home a few years ago.

It has left me up **** creek money wise. I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage. I'm now going to have to pay for childcare and landlord won't sign a hap form. No houses to rent here either and I can't risk moving as I'll be away for family and son has ASD and I can't risk losing his school

He's an asshole

LegacyUser

katiek102010 wrote: »

We were renting thankfully, his drinking has cost us our home a few years ago.

It has left me up **** creek money wise. I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage. I'm now going to have to pay for childcare and landlord won't sign a hap form. No houses to rent here either and I can't risk moving as I'll be away for family and son has ASD and I can't risk losing his school

He's an asshole

Your landlord has to sign the HAP form, it's discrimination not to do so. There have been plenty of cases in The WRC recently where heavy compensation amounts were awarded to tenants in your exact situation.

wildwillow

Landlord is not allowed to refuse to accept HAP.

Get help from Citizen's advice.

katiek102010

wildwillow wrote: »

Landlord is not allowed to refuse to accept HAP.

Get help from Citizen's advice.

They said as much previously. Thanks I'll speak with them and council

Purple Mountain

Can you lean on your own family and friends for support? You need people to rally around you now.
Have you someone to come stay with you for a few days?

Porklife

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through Op. A friend of mine works for citizens advice and I recently looked into hap myself. Wildwillow is right that your landlord is not allowed to refuse to sign the form. The amount is subject to circumstances etc but they cant flat out refuse to sign so on Monday I'd make further enquiries into that.
Stay strong, you're being incredibly brave. Things will get better.

katiek102010

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Can you lean on your own family and friends for support? You need people to rally around you now.
Have you someone to come stay with you for a few days?

They are being brilliant, we are in different countries and outside the travel limit. My friend called today and is going to call everyday for a bit

katiek102010

Porklife wrote: »

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through Op. A friend of mine works for citizens advice and I recently looked into hap myself. Wildwillow is right that your landlord is not allowed to refuse to sign the form. The amount is subject to circumstances etc but they cant flat out refuse to sign so on Monday I'd make further enquiries into that.
Stay strong, you're being incredibly brave. Things will get better.

Thank you. I'm ringing first thing on Monday

clickhere

katiek102010 wrote: »

They are being brilliant, we are in different countries and outside the travel limit. My friend called today and is going to call everyday for a bit

There are no travel restrictions when it comes to domestic abuse. It's one of the areas that are exempt. I hope everything works out for you and your son. Stay safe.

Purple Mountain

Absolutely about the travel restrictions. If you need your family to call, tell them. This is an emergency. Nobody would forbid you from seeing them at this time.
That's great you have a friend, ask her to stay over if you need that too.
Don't be shy to ask for help.

Daisy78

katiek102010 wrote: »

He has never gone to meetings. He refuses too. I paid 5k for private counselling for him a few years ago and he has point blank refused to go near AA or anything else.

He doesn't work, he refuses too so it's not as if he's struggling with being at home. He had 1 job to take son to and from school

Are you right in ignoring him? Absolutely yes. You see posts like yours all the time on here and the advice is always the same. You cannot force a problem drinker to change their ways, only they can do that. The longer you continue to enable them the further away they are from addressing their problem drinking. It’s tough to hear but whether or not he is at risk of doing something is no longer your issue. Your well-being and that of your child should be your priority. You have done all you can and the problem still remains. Focus on getting support for you and your child.

katiek102010

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Absolutely about the travel restrictions. If you need your family to call, tell them. This is an emergency. Nobody would forbid you from seeing them at this time.
That's great you have a friend, ask her to stay over if you need that too.
Don't be shy to ask for help.

My friend rang the guards and they have given her consent to come over every day. She's very good.

Big Bag of Chips

Katie, have a read of this.

It is a pamphlet that I was given at my first Al-Anon meeting. And it changed my life. It didn't change my life immediately. It took months for me to be able to change myself. But I read and reread this pamphlet so many times. The first time I read it I laughed out loud. It was first published before me or my husband were even born. But it described both our roles exactly!

Read it. Keep it. And realise you are the only one who can stop this cycle of his alcoholism destroying your life.

katiek102010

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Katie, have a read of this.

It is a pamphlet that I was given at my first Al-Anon meeting. And it changed my life. It didn't change my life immediately. It took months for me to be able to change myself. But I read and reread this pamphlet so many times. The first time I read it I laughed out loud. It was first published before me or my husband were even born. But it described both our roles exactly!

Read it. Keep it. And realise you are the only one who can stop this cycle of his alcoholism destroying your life.

Thank you for that. I'm on the verge of cracking and letting him home as he's homeless and sleeping in the car.
I found out as he's asked us to swop cars as mine is bigger. I was going to let him stay a few weeks and try and source alternative accommodation for myself and son maye even buy on my own.

I think I needed to read that right now

okiss

You did the right thing in kicking him out. All he thinks about is his drinking. You have tried to get him help. You have from what you said supported him for years and you stayed with him even after his drinking led to you losing your home in the past.
One of my friends was in your position in the past. She kicked out her partner and the father of her 3 kids.She went through a few lean years, trained for a new career and is doing well now. Two of her children now have degrees and jobs and her 3rd child is in their 2nd year in college.
I know its not easy at the moment but don't let him move back. It's one thing if he wants to distory his own life but you don't want you and your child suffering any longer due to him.

Frankie Machine

katiek102010 wrote: »

Thank you for that. I'm on the verge of cracking and letting him home as he's homeless and sleeping in the car.
I found out as he's asked us to swop cars as mine is bigger. I was going to let him stay...

Stand firm, stand your ground. Do not let him back in.

If you swap cars with him it will allow him to believe that he is working on you, wearing you down, bringing you around.

The ability of addicts to manipulate those around them is something else.

It's possibly awfully counter-intuitive but don't swap cars, and don't let him in.

Best of luck.

Warrachie

katiek102010 wrote: »

Thank you for that. I'm on the verge of cracking and letting him home as he's homeless and sleeping in the car.
I found out as he's asked us to swop cars as mine is bigger. I was going to let him stay a few weeks and try and source alternative accommodation for myself and son maye even buy on my own.

I think I needed to read that right now

Please don't crack. He is trying to make you feel sorry for him. Katie, he is the author of his own misery, and he is dragging you and your child down by extension.

No don't swap cars, and keep him away from the house. He HAS to hit rock bottom so he will start standing on his own two feet. Don't be a crutch for him.

If you can't keep him out for your own sake, do it for your child. Your child shouldn't see this in his home growing up. Be strong for both of you.

rainbowtrout

I'd echo the other posters here. He's had every chance. I would also say, leaving you out of it for the moment, but who deserves better, your child or your husband? If you were only to think of your child in all of this (and you shouldn't, your needs are important too), then you have to create the best and safest environment for your child and you. He also has some cheek asking you for your car.