Politics and Dating

fin12

Can u mess up a date by discussing Politics , the other person brought up a certain well famous controversial politician and I said I was a supporter and now I’m thinking that could have actually not been a good idea. Also how soon after a date should u hear from them?

My anxiety is really bad because I think I f*cked up by being too honest.

Katgurl

fin12 wrote: »

Can u mess up a date by discussing Politics , the other person brought up a certain well famous controversial politician and I said I was a supporter and now I’m thinking that could have actually not been a good idea. Also how soon after a date should u hear from them?

My anxiety is really bad because I think I f*cked up by being too honest.

Hi fin, I think you would get more replies if you started your own thread. Also, can you provide more info - was it a first date, how did you meet, what exactly was said?

And if you were on a date with me and said you supported Donald trump I would not want to see you again. It's not really messing up the date though, it's just highlighting incompatibility early on.

fin12

Katgurl wrote: »

Hi fin, I think you would get more replies if you started your own thread. Also, can you provide more info - was it a first date, how did you meet, what exactly was said?

And if you were on a date with me and said you supported Donald trump I would not want to see you again. It's not really messing up the date though, it's just highlighting incompatibility early on.

Thanks , I think u have just answered it already. I’m upset now cause that’s it and I think I like forget I’m on a date when it’s happening.

Big Bag of Chips

fin12, I've moved your post to your own thread. You will get more replies this way.

Rachiee

Dates are to get to know eachother and see if you are compatible or not, if she was offended by your beliefs she won't feel you are compatible, but if it hadn't come up she might have met you for a second date and found out then, it also could be just one of many factors.
A first date isn't about winning a partner so in that way you haven't messed up or lost anything, if she's not into you that's fine maybe you will meet someone else who is

Caranica

We all have red lines. It could be politics, religion, sport, vaccines or a million other things. Some people have no interest or feelings about politics and would not be put off, others, like me, would run a mile. Better to find out these things at the start than ruin an established relationship.

You are entitled to your own opinion, to be the person you are. It's best to be open about this sort of thing IMO. Unfortunately it means that you may find you're incompatible with some dates. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

eviltwin

Better that you learn these things early on tbh. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone with vastly different views to my own. I’d rather not waste time only to find out down the road we aren’t compatible

Esse85

When was the date?
Has there been contact since?

km991148

Don't be so harsh on yourself.

So you found out one incompatibility. Better now than further down the line.

How did the rest of it go?

fin12

I think it’s ok I haven’t heard from them since but it hasn’t been 48 hours yet. I didn’t bring up politics they did but I couldn’t stand there and either say nothing or agree , that would make me a hypocrite and what’s the point to hide who I am, he also brought up two other politicians we have here that I don’t support but think he might. I’m not sure if I talked about my reasons for not liking them too much? Anyway I was upset yday / last night but I’m better today. Anyway I think it’s my anxiety around waiting for contact thats fuelling the whole thing.

km991148

fin12 wrote: »

Anyway I think it’s my anxiety around waiting for contact thats fuelling the whole thing.

Well.. that's a whole different issue... and none of these ordinarily regular situations are helped by COVID etc. Whole country is running on anxiety++

Its been a couple of days, why wait for contact? If things went well you'd be chatting anyway? If its not meant to be then fair enough - but don't put extra pressure on yourself by being the one that has to "wait" to be contacted.


If things move on you can discuss the politics a bit more. It is possible to agree to disagree on some topics (although obviously politics affects many aspects of life and it may be harder if either of you really care or are at extremes)!

LegacyUser

fin12 wrote: »

My anxiety is really bad because I think I f*cked up by being too honest.

I don't understand why your anxious OP....surely you want to date someone who if not sharing your views at least respects them? You shouldn't pretend to be someone your not just to get a date. I don't think first date is the place for super deep conversations but if politics is something that you have an interest in then why wouldn't you mention it? For example I'm a big nerd who loves comics so I would mention it on a date and while not looking for someone to share that interest if they made any mocking comments about it then I'd know we'd probably not get on long term.

ManOfMystery

Unfortunately the days of people with different political beliefs just getting on seem to be long gone. There is a very recent (and I would argue driven by USA politics) chasm between right/left and this is embodied by the leaders of the major left/right parties.

People now make character assessments based on who you support politically. It happens even if you're not an American and can't vote for said parties, or even if you only align with some of their policies.

Perhaps my recall is imperfect, but I don't recall this being as much of a problem in the 80s and 90s growing up. We generally respected everyone's own choice in who they supported. I'm not arguing the ins and outs of it (whether you are a Trump supporter or not), just observing that it is what it is.

So I don't think you 'messed up a date' as such. You did the right thing - being honest with her, and being honest with yourself - and if this means that she elected not to progress to any further dates, then so be it. No-one has lost out here because if she felt that way, it would have been a major incompability between you two anyway and only been a bigger issue further down the line.

fin12

Thanks, I think I’ll just get in contact if I don’t hear anything and just ask if they want to meet again , at least I’ll know then.

TheadoreT

Yeah I think it's just as simple as this tbh. You're supporting racist , misogynistic and homophobic ideologies and I think most normal people will find that very unpalatable.

Its really not just a simple political disagreement when it comes to him OP, so maybe put your intolerant views on the dating website so people will know beforehand, you'll then find people with similar beliefs and will make this process far easier for you.

ManOfMystery

TheadoreT wrote: »

most normal people will find that very unpalatable.

You're suggesting the OP isn't 'normal'?

I'm not a Trump supporter or non-supporter, but this implies that the 70 million or so who voted for him also aren't 'normal'.

What is your definition of normal? Someone whose views align with yours?

TheadoreT wrote: »

so maybe put your intolerant views

And this just affirms my previous post. The OP has posted here for neutral advice, not for you to get a dig in because you don't agree with their personal or political viewpoints.

listermint

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Unfortunately the days of people with different political beliefs just getting on seem to be long gone. There is a very recent (and I would argue driven by USA politics) chasm between right/left and this is embodied by the leaders of the major left/right parties.

People now make character assessments based on who you support politically. It happens even if you're not an American and can't vote for said parties, or even if you only align with some of their policies.

Perhaps my recall is imperfect, but I don't recall this being as much of a problem in the 80s and 90s growing up. We generally respected everyone's own choice in who they supported. I'm not arguing the ins and outs of it (whether you are a Trump supporter or not), just observing that it is what it is.

So I don't think you 'messed up a date' as such. You did the right thing - being honest with her, and being honest with yourself - and if this means that she elected not to progress to any further dates, then so be it. No-one has lost out here because if she felt that way, it would have been a major incompability between you two anyway and only been a bigger issue further down the line.

I suppose in the age of post truth politically affiliation can actually attribute past what the person likes or dislikes. In today's age of disbelief in facts and reason I'm not surprised it becomes an impasse for people


Best it's found out early on though.

TheadoreT

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You're suggesting the OP isn't 'normal'?

I'm not a Trump supporter or non-supporter, but this implies that the 70 million or so who voted for him also aren't 'normal'.

What is your definition of normal? Someone whose views align with yours?
.

And this just affirms my previous post. The OP has posted here for neutral advice, not for you to get a dig in because you don't agree with their personal or political viewpoints.

Well those who don't support a blatant racist, misogynist and homophobe as I said I'd consider more normal than those who do, don't think that's a big leap. Maybe the world has become such a ludicrous place that someone who openly displays these ideologies can be accepted and championed but trying to minimize it as a differing alignment of views like the starting point of the debate is rational is laughable.

ManOfMystery

TheadoreT wrote: »

Well those who don't support a blatant racist, misogynist and homophobe as I said I'd consider more normal than those who do, don't think that's a big leap.

That's why I asked what your definition of normal was. Considering he has a number of supporters within all 3 groups - ethnic minorities, females and gay people - perhaps you should consider responding to the OP in a way which doesn't make them feel abnormal or which reinforces the very issue they came here to post about, in this supposedly neutral/impartial area of the forum. But again, you are labelling the OP rather than attempting to offer them supportive advice.

I'm not a Trump supporter but I can communicate with those who are without resorting to dragging them down. The worldn't isn't always black and white, and I know many kind and good people who support some of his policies more than the opposing party, but that doesn't make them racist or homophobic or any other label you care to apply.

fin12

Thanks for all the replies, the reason I’m a bit hesitant to contact is cause I think it’s a bad sign when the guy doesn’t text first after a date ,, also because in the past a guy went quiet after a date so I text to meet again and they agreed but the same thing happened after the second date so clearly wasn’t interested after the 1st date.

Hannibal_Smith

How do you think the date went otherwise? You're right in what you say that there was no reason for you to hold back and if someone walks solely because of that when every thing else clicked, it's pretty shallow and you've dodged a bullet.

sbsquarepants

I wouldn't stress it OP - if you tell someone something about yourself on a first date and it puts them off you, that's lucky in my eyes. It would be far worse for it to happen 6 months or a year in do you not think?


For what it's worth, i personally think Trump is a bell end, but politics wouldn't turn me off someone, (Unless they were a Tory i suppose )everyone is entitled to their own opinions



Easy come, easy go!

Dial Hard

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

How do you think the date went otherwise? You're right in what you say that there was no reason for you to hold back and if someone walks solely because of that when every thing else clicked, it's pretty shallow and you've dodged a bullet.

I think calling someone shallow because politics is a red line issue for them is a little unfair. There's a big difference between saying "Well I vote FG and wouldn't even consider dating an FF-er" and having concerns that someone's political beliefs may indicate they have diametrically opposing views to you on social issues and some basic fundamentals of human decency. If someone told me on a first date they vote Sinn Fein I'd be a bit :rolleyes: inwardly, but if they told me they support the Irish National Party, I'd be gonzo. I wouldn't physically walk out there and then but I'd be cutting the date as short as humanely possible and certainly wouldn't want to see them again, because I'm going to be fundamentally incompatible with that person on pretty much every social and political level you can think of. Plenty of people feel the same about Trump supporters and I think that's a perfectly valid position to take, there's nothing shallow about it.

OP, you did nothing "wrong" here per se. As others have said, you just found out about an incompatibility early on. It's no different from finding out on a first date that the other person wants 5 kids when you don't want any.

Drop the guy a line if you really want to see him again. He might not reply, he might reply and say he's just not interested, but either way you'll have your answer and that's always better than suffering an anxiety-inducing few days of "What if?"

LegacyUser

I do think it’s an important aspect of a relationship and major political differences are hard to reconcile. I’m not that political at all but went on a few dates with a guy last year who was a serious SF supporter. He was a nice guy in general and I was attracted physically to him but he would start ranting about politics way too much on our early dates. You could sense his anger and he really despised Leo and FG when I don’t mind Leo.

Tork

I work with somebody who holds some strong political views. In general he's an OK guy but things can get heated if the office chatter turns political. I think all of us in the office would admit we're careful to keep the subject away from this area. It's one thing to work alongside somebody like this, quite another to be in a relationship with one. I feel sorry for his wife because as far as I can tell, he wasn't always as bull-headed as he is now

The thing is, with a lot of these controversial politicians people don't just like them for some things they do. They often seem to buy into the larger picture of what they stand for. So if somebody said they liked Donald Trump and liked his economic policies, that'd be fine. The problem is, they've usually bought into an awful lot of the baggage that goes along with him and that's very unattractive to me. The same if somebody said they like Boris Johnson.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, please remember to offer advice to the OP when replying to the thread.

Thanks

HS

fin12

ImportantIssue wrote: »

I do think it’s an important aspect of a relationship and major political differences are hard to reconcile. I’m not that political at all but went on a few dates with a guy last year who was a serious SF supporter. He was a nice guy in general and I was attracted physically to him but he would start ranting about politics way too much on our early dates. You could sense his anger and he really despised Leo and FG when I don’t mind Leo.

Jeeze lol I think I would have got on with him like a house on fire Lol

Tork

If you're a SF supporter and hold strong views, then you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. That's fair enough - everybody is entitled to their opinions. I can see why it'd put some people off. That being the case, you're better off not wasting your time on them.

fin12

Tork wrote: »

If you're a SF supporter and hold strong views, then you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. That's fair enough - everybody is entitled to their opinions. I can see why it'd put some people off. That being the case, you're better off not wasting your time on them.

I’m not a SF supporter , I wouldn’t bring up politics myself , that’s why when he mentioned that particular politician I was like oh crap but there was no point in me lying when he brought the subject up.

Tork

fin12 wrote: »

I’m not a SF supporter , I wouldn’t bring up politics myself , that’s why when he mentioned that particular politician I was like oh crap but there was no point in me lying when he brought the subject up.

Ah sorry, I read your original post wrong. Still, it may point to a fundamental incompatibility and something that might ruin things.

AmberAmber

So.. did you call or text him ?

cannotlogin

In the grand scheme of things, does it matter. If this is a deal breaker for him, then better screen him out early rather than wasting your/his time.

You should always be yourself on a dates. No point in being something your not and have it unravel down the line.

fin12

AmberAmber wrote: »

So.. did you call or text him ?

No

Dial Hard

fin12 wrote: »

No

Why?

fin12

Dial Hard wrote: »

Why?

Because my gut feeling is he is not interested. It’s disappointing but I’d like to go out with someone who regular contacts so we are prob not compatible in that area aswell.

TheadoreT

fin12 wrote: »

Because my gut feeling is he is not interested. It’s disappointing but I’d like to go out with someone who regular contacts so we are prob not compatible in that area aswell.

A girl who's confident enough to take initiative at times has such an advantage these days in the dating world because so many have silly notions like your post above that the guy needs to be constantly initiating every step of early dating. Any self respecting guy will see those red flags a mile off and seek out the women who arent afraid to put themselves out there in pursuit of a healthy relationship.

fin12

TheadoreT wrote: »

A girl who's confident enough to take initiative at times has such an advantage these days in the dating world because so many have silly notions like your post above that the guy needs to be constantly initiating every step of early dating. Any self respecting guy will see those red flags a mile off and seek out the women who arent afraid to put themselves out there in pursuit of a healthy relationship.

Well I already said that I did that in the past and it was pointless.

From my experience and a lot of my female friends /family , the guy not contacting first after a date is pretty good indicator they are not interested.

Anyway mod can u please close this thread. Thanks for all the replies.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Closed as per your request OP.

Thanks everyone.

HS