Advice please - is a relationship worth having for the sake of a child

stayback

Sorry about the long post but I’m looking for some advice.

So I’m in a relationship for about 3 and half years. We knew each other before we got together but not very well. I’m male early 40’s and OH is late 30’s. To be honest I wasn’t in a good place when we got together. We live about 2 hours away from each other both have our own houses and both have fairly decent jobs.
So the thing is she wanted a child and to be honest I probably did too but I wanted to wait till we moved in together and see how things went. She didn’t she wanted wait. We had to go through IVF and that was successful first time. I only paid a small portion towards the cost of this as I was paying for college and stuff and paid what I could afford but she paid for 90% of it. Anyway that’s when the problems began to start i then realised she was never going to move to my county and I would have to move. My job is flexible enough pre covid re working from home etc and since covid I’ve been working full time from home. I absolutely hate been in the her hometown. Precovid I was travelling up and down I’d do 80% of the travelling. She refuses to entertain moving. She would hardly travel at all to me. To be honest I have fallen out of love with her big time. Our daughter is the most precious thing I have ever had. I absolutely adore the ground she walk upon (she is 19 months old).
My issue is really i feel guilty when I’m in my own house I should be down helping her and when I’m there I feel absolutely depressed. I spend most of my time in her house. I’m going to start counselling cause I’m after getting very anxious. Another issue is I don’t want anymore children and she is deeply upset about this . One emybro was frozen. I’m adamant I don’t want anymore children. She wants more. I miss my home I know with covid you can’t do anything anyway but I just miss my home surroundings.
I felt like I was bullied into a corner. I know I should have stood up more but that’s part of my problem I’m not assertive enough. There is no give and take with her. We haven’t had sex in 9 months and even that I didn’t have any interest. I’m normally a very sexual person. I’ve just lost complete interest. I’m a completely different person to the person I was before I met her. My friends from home would ring me a couple of times a week to check in but I know they know I’m not happy and are worried about me. I suppose covid have brought issues to the fore aswell..
My main problem is I don’t want our daughter to be at any disadvantage not having parents that are together but I also don’t want to be selfish and think it’s all about me.
So is a relationship worth having for the sake of a child or am I just been selfish. There is no question of me not neglecting my responsibilities.

Loveinapril

stayback wrote: »

My main problem is I don’t want our daughter to be at any disadvantage not having parents that are together but I also don’t want to be selfish and think it’s all about me.

She is already living with not having you together. You live in separate counties, you aren't intimate and feel like you are falling out of love. Relationships are about compromise, but it does't seem like your partner was ever willing to do this. The relationship is all but over. It is incredibly sad but at least your daughter is young enough to not be aware of a lot of stuff. If you end the relationship, all she will know is that her parents are happy.

TheadoreT

If you weren't in a good place before you met her, and not in a good place while you're with her, and didnt really contribute your fair share to the IVF despite owning a home and having a good job, its probably understandable that she didnt have a great deal of confidence to consider uprooting her life for you isnt it?

I think counselling is wise as I dont think the root cause of your unhappiness is particularly this woman.

Besides that the relationship seems all but dead in the water and you both need to decide how to deal with it as amicably as possible with the childs best interest at heart.

cannotlogin

There's a lot in your post.

Firstly it sounds like you guys were only together for 8 months when you started IVF. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you but that's a lot to deal with in any relationship let alone one so new.

Secondly, I don't blame her for not travelling much to you....she was either pregnant or in charge of a baby/toddler for most of you time together so much easier for you to go to her.

Thirdly, some of the best parents I know are not together and some of the worst I know are. The main thing is that the child has two parents who love them and can co parent together. That's what's important, growing up in a house where parents don't love each other causes more damage that two separate co-workers.

Finally, while this situation and this lady might have made you realise you need counselling. They aren't the only source of your difficulties. Maybe start the counselling first and use it to help you make the decisions then.

You clearly adore your daughter and will be there for her. That's the main thing. The rest will work itself out .

LegacyUser

Do you think she wants a relationship with you? Does she ever talk about the lack of sex, missing you when ur not around, wanting you to be a family and live together? Because it kinda sounds like she wanted a baby most of all? Or is that where your unhappiness stems from ...feeling like you were just being used for that? Its worth a few counselling sessions on your own first then with her to tease out how much of wanting to break up is due to long distance relationship , the stress of parenting ,travelling esp during covid times , lack of intimacy, perhaps not feeling part of the family....try that first before breaking up a very new famiily

Ann84

It sounds like you may be a bit depressed so counselling is a really great move, I hope you find someone good to talk to and start figuring out what’s wrong...
In relation to you girlfriend, it’s pretty easy when your down in the dumps to look at the person your closest to with resentment, does she know your struggling? The fact that she’s talking about more kids would indicate she doesn’t know how bad things are - I think you need to lay out how you feel and have an honest conversation about your concerns.
With your daughter, the reality is your half in, half out and if you live 2 hours away, even if you split up from your girlfriend - how do you intend on having a close relationship with her when you live that far away?
If you know that you don’t love your girlfriend and it is a lack of love rather than depression or being overwhelmed by becoming a parent, then the relationship is over but you may then want to consider if moving home is really going to make you happy when you rarely see your child, maybe you could get your own place closer to her and coparent?
I coparent and have lived somewhere I don’t like to raise my child so I understand it’s difficult, it took time but I’ve made a life for myself here - my kids a teen now - I might move when they go to college! I wouldn’t have ever moved two hours from them though and my now husband has moved to where I live to be with me... that’s life...

ILoveYourVibes

Children need the adults in their lives to be emotionally and financially stable more than they need them to live together or be in a relationship.

Jb1989

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Children need the adults in their lives to be emotionally and financially stable more than they need them to live together or be in a relationship.

I would've thought being in a relationship would trump being financially stable. I'd rather have 2 parents than a fancy PlayStation.

Loveinapril

Jb1989 wrote: »

I would've thought being in a relationship would trump being financially stable. I'd rather have 2 parents than a fancy PlayStation.

People can still be parents after they separate. Being in a relationship doesn't make people happy. Children who grow up witnessing a miserable couple often have a really skewed view on love and relationships. I know too many adults who were raised watching loveless marriages and resentment build. It takes a lot to recover from it. It is best to show your children happiness and fulfillment.

Danni21

Jb1989 wrote: »

I would've thought being in a relationship would trump being financially stable. I'd rather have 2 parents than a fancy PlayStation.

Financially stable means school, clothes, food on the table. Not a Playstation:rolleyes:

Being in a relationship that's toxic is more damaging to a child than two happy parents who don't live together.

JasonStatham

>Mod snip<

I knew a woman like this. They can really drain the life out of you.

Stay in your own county. Obviously meet your financial responsibilities for your child. But look after your own wellbeing...find a better woman.

Good luck.

ILoveYourVibes

Jb1989 wrote: »

I would've thought being in a relationship would trump being financially stable. I'd rather have 2 parents than a fancy PlayStation.

Two emotionally unstable people who are broke in a relationship....is not a good environment for a kid.

And financial stability is MORE than just a playstation.


Its an education. Its good dentistry. Its better schools. Proper nutrition. Heat in the house. Lights on. A roof over their heads (not everyone has that) and a bed to sleep in.

A middle class lifestyle is not a playstation. Its the above. And it costs money.


Don't kid yourself. Love is not enough to raise a kid.

The op also doesn't seem very emotionally stable ...and seems to make HUGE decisions without planning ....and honestly the woman sounds every WORSE

He is focusing on the wrong goals.

Its more important he get his life together and his mental health together. Get a good job etc.

Yes having your parents is more important than having a playstation ......i think you know though there are plenty of kids ....who are living homeless in this country BECAUSE they were born into unstable situations.

Its kind of naive to think the only think poor people lack is a playstation. If only...

Telling someone to stay with a partner for a kid ...never a good idea ..and it never lasts.

Plus the guy is in counseling over being anxious about it ..and seems miserable in the relationship...

Kids need HAPPY emotionally stable and secure parents.

JustAThought

Random question OP - are your friends in your
home county single or married with relationships & kids ? Is it that you miss your nights
out with your friends and the GAA/sport or do you miss something else from your hometown? As things are neither are available so you are missing out on neither by being elsewhere, and you will find your friends availability and priorities become different when their gf/wives start to have children and home demands.

After the covid you could start a regular
blokes only night in/out - if your friends wifes/gf’s /finances will allow this -might make it easier knowing you are not missing out and have a weekly something to look forward to in your hometown - in due course.

Did you post a thread about this about a year ago just after your daughter was born where you were already wanting to go back home & leave your gf/child?

If you adore your child and can financially support
another jointly it seems a shame to kill an embryo - you might improve your gf’s long term rosy glow
towards you by not refusing her this and the child a natural sibling - you have already seen how much love and joy your child brings to you and its a long and lonely life as an only child - especially I would imagine in a single family home too.

It sounds a bit like you were used or allowed yourself to be used a a friend with sperm benefits while her clock was ticking without a solid romantic or long term relationship or any of
the logistics properly or fairly worked out. I can’t imagine your relationship can have any hope of love or a future even on a casual friendship basis if you insist on disposing of the
embryo second child you created together . You both have jobs and work and own houses - it may not take, the IVF may not be successful as she is
older now, you can afford
it and two together at a similar age are a pair and managable for schools/ creches/ friendships and logistics together. I’d say she will poison the child against you by telling her in the future - how could you justify that in 10 or 15 years time - how could she forgive you?

I’d say its a hard path you have chosen but there are ways to make it easier for yourself. Start with the post covid planning for what exactly you miss and would like for your hometown life that is feasible and will make you happy. You deserve your dreams and happiness too. Not
to mention a bit of great sex too !!

seenitall

Hi OP,

Whatever you do, don’t have another child with someone you don’t love and whose presence makes you depressed! For god’s sake!

It reads to me that you are the type of person that is easily led and influenced by other people’s wishes, and only wakes up once their life has already taken a turn into unhappiness. You need to start making your own decisions in this life, otherwise your partner will have all her own way and you will end up a resentful martyr to her and a depressed father of two.

You need out of this relationship pronto, it is not good for you, it is void of love and you are a sidelined party in your own life. But you have to make a proper decision about it and stick to it. It is far better to be a free, happy father of one than a married, catatonic father of two. Better for your child as well, of course.

I have an awful feeling, though, that we might read from you here in a year’s time again, when you are locked even further into your situation. The only one who can change things is you, so unless you do something about it, you’ve only yourself to blame. I repeat: it’s on you. That’s what being an adult means; making hard life decisions when necessary.

pmct

Think long and hard before you decide to leave your partner unfortunately the unhappiness you feel now can get worse if you are not able to see your daughter and there stories of how fathers are treated after a breakup are far too numerous you really are in a no win situation

Loveinapril

pmct wrote: »

Think long and hard before you decide to leave your partner unfortunately the unhappiness you feel now can get worse if you are not able to see your daughter and there stories of how fathers are treated after a breakup are far too numerous you really are in a no win situation

This scaremongering really won't help the OP make a decision that is best for him.

OP, if you are concerned that your partner may weaponise your child, contact Treoir for advice. They are an organisation who help unmarried parents in relation to things like access, custody and maintenance.

LegacyUser

OP what is your relationship like with your OH? Are you able to sit down and have a rational discussion about the relationship? 8 months in and already trying IVF is a little odd, I assume you didn't try for a child from the first date and you are usually told to wait 1yr from starting to try before looking for fertility issues so did she already know she had issues? Did she just want the child and not care about who the other parent was? Does she get upset if you don't come down to stay with her or does she not care?

Speaking as a child of divorced parents trust me you should never ever stay in a relationship for the sake of the child. You are just teaching that child to look for dysfunctional relationships themselves in the future. Two people can co-parent without being a couple but you need to be communicating really really clearly with each other.

As for another child if your OH just cares more about having kids and not the relationship then get ready for that to be held over you as a negotiation tool - she'll agree to all and any access requests IF you let her use the frozen embryo. You claim you can't afford to pay maintenance on two kids, chances are if she paid for 90% of the IVF cost she'll offer to not peruse maintenance etc etc Stay strong and don't agree to another child if you don't really want one. Also make it clear to the IVF clinic you've not consented to the use of the embryo - legally you must consent but always good to make it clear to them in case she tired a fast one.

Warrachie

I have no experience of IVF, but I'd make sure the clinic doesn't allow use of the other embryo without the final nod from you.

I feel bad for you. Surely must see how disconnected you are from her, yet she's still going on about more kids.

In short, no you don't stay in a relationship just because there's kids involved.

seenitall

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

Whatever you do, don’t have another child with someone you don’t love and whose presence makes you depressed! For god’s sake!

100% This

can't log in wrote: »

Stay strong and don't agree to another child if you don't really want one. Also make it clear to the IVF clinic you've not consented to the use of the embryo - legally you must consent but always good to make it clear to them in case she tired a fast one.

Also this.

I have a feeling that your gf is more interested in motherhood then in a relationship with you, so I think you need to protect yourself.

As previously recommended, Treoir are very good, definitely check them out and inform yourself of your responsiblities and obligations towards your child, and also your rights as her father.

stayback

OP Here.
I really appreciate all the comments and advice given. I think putting it down in writing and actually reading has made everything a lot more clearer. I went to see a counsellor today and to be honest it’s the best money I have ever spent.
I have made it clear on numerous occasions to my other half I don’t want another child but she still thinks she’ll get her way. This relationship is going nowhere and I realise that now that all she wanted was a child eventhough she says it wasn’t. like we didn’t even know each other properly or even lived together. It’s my own fault for not standing up but no point in dwelling in the past my daughter is healthy and happy and that’s the most important thing.

I am absolutely going to be there for my daughter every step of journey through life. Financially it won’t be an issue thankfully . I wouldn’t swap my daughter for the world. I just don’t want her to be at any disadvantage and she won’t be.

Thanks everyone for the advice .