My Wife's Rage Attacks are destroying our Marriage...

ALL RIGHT

What does one do with a rageful partner?
We go back and forth with this every 2-3 weeks, but to no avail.

Jequ0n

Had my own issues with anger/rage and caused a lot of grief. Sorry to say but I had to realise myself what I was doing and that I wanted to change it. Willingness to change must come from your wife, not you.
Maybe you can help her realise it, I had to crash first before realisation set in.

ALL RIGHT

ALL RIGHT wrote: »

What does one do with a rageful partner?
We go back and forth with this every 2-3 weeks, but to no avail.

Could you share a bit more about what is going on?

LegacyUser

My partner had anger issues in the past which made our relationship very difficult.

As the previous poster, said the person themselves have to realise they have a problem and to want to resolve it. Until then, they will not truly believe that whatever happens is their responsibility. They might apologise after an outburst just to keep you happy, but not actually appreciate that it was their fault.

We were on a rollercoaster of anger, remorse, normality, then anger, remorse etc etc but thankfully my partner finally realised a while ago how they were behaving and got help to deal with the anger issues and life is much better now. Counselling and learning techniques really do work.

Best of luck.

Neyite

ALL RIGHT wrote: »

What does one do with a rageful partner?
We go back and forth with this every 2-3 weeks, but to no avail.

There's two types of angry partners - the first one blows up at everyone - whether that's their partner, their kids, the priest or a shop assistant.

The other angry partner takes out their anger soley on their partner or their children. But stressful situations in work or with friends they can manage just fine without punching stuff.

Very often you'll find that angry people come from a background and lineage of poor or abusive behaviour towards people, and the people that they tend to end up with might usually have came from an abusive or dysfunctional home themselves so the chaos feels 'familiar'. If you've kids then the angry, tense home that they are growing up in will make them a sitting duck for either becoming an abuser or the victim of one.

Neither are a good way to live, or a safe, nurturing environment for children. The first one, with perhaps a lot of therapy on the part of the instigator may improve, the latter usually can't. But the work has to be done by them.

Either way, the only way to handle it is to not accept that behaviour. That may mean walking away - either temporarily until they've worked hard on themselves, but often it could mean ending it for good.

HildaOgdenx

There are organisations that you may find it helpful to contact.

https://www.mensaid.ie/

or

https://www.womensaid.ie/

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I see you deleted your original message but I doubt it was pretty.
I went out with a girl who after a few months into the relationship, started hitting me one morning on the head because i said something about an ex or something like that. She then flat out denied it even happened. Eventually it escalated. Going mental at me, she broke countless phones and laptops. Once she threw a laptop at me that cracked my elbow and it still hurts 7 years later.
Smashed up my flat, screaming at me on the street, all kinds of madness. For the last year or so of the relationship, it was pretty much every time she drank. We'd get home, she'd lay into me, pulling my hair so hard it'd be sore for a week after, until next time she did it.
I was so entrapped in the bloody relationship I just kind of put up with it, hoping it would stop.

She had all her friends and family convinced she was this angel however, and I was some evil guy making her do bad things. Even to this day I wouldn't expect anyone to believe me if I told them this but that's just the nature of woman on man abuse. They can always make it look like the man is the bad guy.

So yeah, if any of things rings true with you, run a mile, right now. I'm not with my dream woman who has never raised her voice and if we have an issue we deal with it calmly like adults. I was convinced normal relationships didn't exist from what that c*nt did to me, and I know she's out doing it to someone else now. Run a mile and don't look back.

Aloissus30

ALL RIGHT wrote: »

What does one do with a rageful partner?
We go back and forth with this every 2-3 weeks, but to no avail.

If they are not willing to admit they have an anger management problem and take steps to over come it, then the only thing you can do is leave. You may feel like you have invested too much in the relationship, you love them too much to leave etc but you cannot change or control another person's behaviour. Only they can. Take a good long hard look at why your partner becomes filled with rage. How they treat you before, during and after an episode. And ask yourself this - if a friend came to you and confided they were being treated like you are, what advice would you give them?

Big Bag of Chips

ALL RIGHT wrote: »

What does one do with a rageful partner?
We go back and forth with this every 2-3 weeks, but to no avail.

If there's never a change, then you walk away.

You've been shown what your relationship with this person is always going to be. So you make a decision based on that.

Edit: If children are involved you bring them with you. You cannot allow children to grow up watching their mam regularly abuse their dad. You are starting/continuing a cycle there. If you walk away, bringing your children, it may force her to accept that she has a very real problem and the only way of getting her family back is to address her behaviour once and for all. If she doesn't, then at least you (and your children) are safe.

Have you been to counselling yourself, to explore why you accept unacceptable behaviour?

Aloissus30

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you been to counselling yourself, to explore why you accept unacceptable behaviour?

This is a really good point. If someone has grown up in a volatile home as a child, they are more likely to end up in abusive relationships as an adult because this sort of behaviour has been normalised. If op has low self esteem, they're also more likely to accept bad behaviour. Someone with healthy self esteem and boundaries is not going to accept their partner flying into a rage every 2/3 weeks. That's not normal or acceptable. And if there are kids in this situation, the cycle needs to be broken or in 20 years there's a good chance they will be in the exact same situation.

eleventh

ALL RIGHT wrote: »

What does one do with a rageful partner?
We go back and forth with this every 2-3 weeks, but to no avail.

Have you tried couple's counselling?

Aloissus30

eleventh wrote: »

Have you tried couple's counselling?

Couple's counselling is not recommended when one partner is abusive because they may use things said in counselling against the partner. Single counselling is recommended so the abusive person can work on their issues and the abused can work on their self esteem and learning healthy boundaries.

JustAThought

OP - what are they raging about? Theirmjob? Financial issues? The government? NcT tests being obligatory? Or something in your shared past that only you know about or something in your shared past that happened between you both?

Very different approaches & outcomes depending on what the rages are over IMO. One
could be symptom of depression, stress,
inability generally to cope, anxiety
or anger specifically at you. Which might it be?