Stuck in a moment

LegacyUser

Hi folks, hope you’re all well, I’m coming here for advice, I’m not entirely lost, but more so I’m looking for tips on how to deal with particular feelings, emotions, and how to put them at the back of my head.

I won’t go into the whole story as it’s long but heres a bit of background.
I’ve had a bit of poor luck with relationships, I had a serious relationship a few years back, it was quite long term and we lived together etc, basically they had an affair and left me for someone else they had met in work. I was heart broken and it took me a long time to get over it but it did, eventually, I moved away, changed job, basically made changes to my life and surrounded myself with family and good people.
I dipped my toe in the dating scene now and again and I find the whole thing a total pain, it’s so messy and so much mind reading and game playing etc, so I kind of accepted its ok to be single for a while, once I’m happy and living a good life things will work out.
Over a year ago I started getting close to an ex work colleague. We got on really really well, initially I didn’t envisage anything romantic, in fact I got they impression they were quite flaky. Alas we got on like a house on fire, and we would talk every single day, for over a year. Constant jokes and banter, but also occasional flirting too. I acknowledged this but still didn’t think it would ever go further, I valued the friendship that had formed and frankly still didn’t see this person as a relationship type, if that makes sense, I won’t go into to much detail here, but this feeling was formed from my observation of their behaviour and attitude.
Not casting judgement at all, that’s the way some people are, I still valued the person and we still got on so well.
I suppose as time went on I began to develop feelings/interest, they hinted at this from their side too. We would frequently make plans for various social occasions, always involving my social circle, never theirs, I didn’t think much of this at the time as I have fantastic and welcoming people around me and a friend or acquaintance would always be welcome to join us, the more the merrier. However over time it became apparent that while this person expressed these desires to join us, it always fell through last minute, I put it down to them being flaky. A trait I had felt they possessed from early stages.
Despite this, I guess tension and interest grew between us, and we did end up kissing and also sleeping together, more than once.
Even after this, I expressed that while I did enjoy this, I didn’t want it to affect at the minimum our base friendship.
I figured if something else was to develop, it would take it’s natural course.
But after this, when more plans were suggested, I noticed them becoming distant, they acknowledged this themselves and often apologised for delays getting back etc. I thought it slightly odd as did my friends who at this stage had become aware of the situation.
This carried on for a number of weeks, until, out of the blue, once day, I bumped into them..... with their partner..... whom none of us had any idea existed and who had never been mentioned.
I played it pretty cool during this interaction but my head was imploding as I realised what had been going on.
And basically, since that day, there has not been a word of communication between us. Not a peep.
On many occasions i thought about writing to them, expressing all kinds of frustration, anger, demanding some form of explanation.. but I never did, I just left it go.

Now comes my issue.
I was obviously extremely emotionally triggered by this event, once again I had been used by someone as the second best option, the bit on the side, while another more worthy person was the real centre of their love and attention.
It hurt me that this person knew well my relationship history with my ex and what had happened with that relationship in the past, yet proceeded with this action.
It hurt me that, I truly valued them as a friend, and they could have disclosed at any point they were actually seeing someone else, it would have meant a friendship could have been maintained among all acquaintances involved and no wires would have ever gotten crossed.
I feel very frustrated by these facts, and I do miss the friendship and daily communication. It’s rare to find a connection like we had from my experience, and I’m not juvenile either, we are all around the 30 mark, so a fair bit of life and relationship experience.
I feel I am mourning these thing but obviously feel I’m getting over it with time, but my brain seems stuck in a moment that I can’t get out of, to borrow a few lyrics from U2.
Now I’m not looking for advice on what to do, I know logically this is a person who’s of poor integrity and would be totally unreliable and untrustworthy. I know they’re essentially toxic. I know these facts.
But for whatever reason, I’m really stuck on this person and this moment and they way everything happened and ultimately worked out.... as a total failure.
I had never gone looking for anything, the build up had been totally natural and I feel I let my guard down, and now I’ve been hurt and wish I could undo the whole thing.
I wake up pretty much every morning and think of this person and the whole situation. Playing over conversations we had, working furiously in my mind to figure things out.

Someone asked me on a date recently, a very decent person, and I agreed and went, had an enjoyable time and there was never a lull in conversation etc, but can you guess who was on my mind the entire time ? ....
This upsets and frustrates me, I feel I want total closure, which I also know will never come! I have the information my brain needs, it’s as though my heart has not accepted it .
So I want your tips and advice, on ways get past this emotional impasse, to remove a person from my mind, to reverse or totally dampen the affiliated emotions.
I honestly want to move on, I know an old wound was opened and additional to that a new connection lost, but I’d appreciate your tips on getting past this, obviously with lockdown I can’t do much and sadly can’t see friends and family like I normally would.
I’d appreciate your tips and own experiences.

bitofabind

Impassehelpusout wrote: »

I was obviously extremely emotionally triggered by this event, once again I had been used by someone as the second best option, the bit on the side, while another more worthy person was the real centre of their love and attention.

Hi OP. I scratched my head when I read this. Until this paragraph, you'd been describing how flaky and "not the relationship type" this guy is. And yet you chose to speak to him all day every day for more than a year, slept with him, experienced that flakiness first-hand pretty consistently, and then were surprised when all those things you knew instinctively about him...materialised in real life?

This is why we have to be really careful about the stories we tell ourselves. There's no evidence whatsoever that you were "used" by this person, or were the "second best option". All the evidence points to someone walking like a duck, quacking like a duck, you diving in regardless with no emotional boundaries whatsoever...and then being surprised when it is, in actual fact, a duck. Here's an example of boundaries: if boyfriend-style incessant text messages every single day and hooking up = intimacy and feelings for you (totally normal, I'd be the same) don't do these things with someone that you've identified as being "unreliable, untrustworthy and toxic." Text messaging and hookups are easy, not exactly heavy lifting from his side, and from his perspective you were totally fine with that status quo with no further commitment required whatsoever from him.

It sounds to me like you haven't healed properly from the betrayal of your last relationship, and have carried this belief of "second best" and "men use me" into a new situation with someone that was always totally unavailable to you. Our brain does this when there's been emotional wounding. Repeats a pattern that confirms a belief you have about yourself that you haven't challenged, until you work through those painful feelings and learn the lessons the experience needs to teach you.

What might help here is, next time you find your thoughts spiralling and obsessing over this situation, to stop and zoom out for a few minutes. Ask yourself a few questions. What is this really about? What is the real sadness and pain here? What do I really need?" Some things that help me when I start to get these types of feelings are long walks outside in nature, listening to podcasts about this stuff (really like "Over it and On with it" by Christine Hassler), sometimes just an old cry can really help to release feelings that have gotten stuck in me like this.


*** Going entirely off instinct here and assuming you're female, apologies if incorrect

TheadoreT

Your instincts were screaming at you about this person and you ignored all wisdom and pursued them anyway. I'm not sure if your initial boyfriend was similar and you're attracted by people who arent that into you but if so you're always going to finish 2nd best if you dont address this.

I know from my own experience when I was single and dating casually, if I wasn't mad about certain women I was seeing they would always be more keen. I think it's an anxiety thing that they're secretly desperate for things to work, but like you they feel something isnt quite right, so sex feels better because all those anxieties are momentarily subsided as they get the affection they crave from a seemingly unattainable person. This chemical exhilaration can be addictive and I can see how it can become a destructive and consuming habit.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Hi OP. I scratched my head when I read this. Until this paragraph, you'd been describing how flaky and "not the relationship type" this guy is. And yet you chose to speak to him all day every day for more than a year, slept with him, experienced that flakiness first-hand pretty consistently, and then were surprised when all those things you knew instinctively about him...materialised in real life?

This is why we have to be really careful about the stories we tell ourselves. There's no evidence whatsoever that you were "used" by this person, or were the "second best option". All the evidence points to someone walking like a duck, quacking like a duck, you diving in regardless with no emotional boundaries whatsoever...and then being surprised when it is, in actual fact, a duck. Here's an example of boundaries: if boyfriend-style incessant text messages every single day and hooking up = intimacy and feelings for you (totally normal, I'd be the same) don't do these things with someone that you've identified as being "unreliable, untrustworthy and toxic." Text messaging and hookups are easy, not exactly heavy lifting from his side, and from his perspective you were totally fine with that status quo with no further commitment required whatsoever from him.

It sounds to me like you haven't healed properly from the betrayal of your last relationship, and have carried this belief of "second best" and "men use me" into a new situation with someone that was always totally unavailable to you. Our brain does this when there's been emotional wounding. Repeats a pattern that confirms a belief you have about yourself that you haven't challenged, until you work through those painful feelings and learn the lessons the experience needs to teach you.

What might help here is, next time you find your thoughts spiralling and obsessing over this situation, to stop and zoom out for a few minutes. Ask yourself a few questions. What is this really about? What is the real sadness and pain here? What do I really need?" Some things that help me when I start to get these types of feelings are long walks outside in nature, listening to podcasts about this stuff (really like "Over it and On with it" by Christine Hassler), sometimes just an old cry can really help to release feelings that have gotten stuck in me like this.


*** Going entirely off instinct here and assuming you're female, apologies if incorrect

Hi there,
Thanks for taking the time to respond, it feels good to sometimes just express these feelings and refreshing to hear an outside perspective.

Just to clarify, initially this didn’t start off as a romantic thing at all, this wasn’t someone from online dating etc, our relationship was formed from a kind of camaraderie as colleagues. And as I got to know the person I noticed their tendencies or what I viewed as their tendencies.
It was only really months later as we got closer things gravitated towards something actually happening between us, and yes I did know what my initial instincts were telling me, but I guess in a way you can’t control what feelings you develop.
I guess that’s the point of my post, I know better, in my head, It seems emotionally I lag behind.
I do believe in this instance I was used by this person, that’s something I’ve accepted, it happens sometimes but it’s not really this issue here, yes they may have been consistent in their actions and behaviour and I should have seen this from the start, but they have now entirely removed me from their life as if I never existed, I served a purpose for them for a certain period of time until it was no longer convenient for them, in my books that’s using someone and then disposing of them. Again I know this, but you’re right in assessing a deeper root as to why this is such a trigger for me.
In relation to having a type and my ex being similar etc, no, not the case, they were a very different type of person, extremely well liked by my family and friends at the time, unfortunately they just met someone else and hit it off with them.

Thanks for posing those questions, I will consider them and give more thought.
I listened to a few bits of podcasts and read one book I found particularly helpful. I unfortunately feel I keep bouncing back to these issues and this whole situation. Probably doesn’t help that there’s very little distraction and things to do, places to go at the minute.
I have given thought to seeing a councillor, but honestly it makes me feel daft and pathetic that I’m struggling to get past this.

bitofabind

I think you keep coming back to it in your head because you haven't resolved the older wound of being betrayed by someone you love. I wasn't suggesting you have a type, but more you have a belief about yourself that's influencing how you behave and who you're attracted to. Getting involved with someone with all these red flags logically will end just one way, confirming this belief that you're not good enough or all men do this to you or whatever.

You're not daft and pathetic, you're human. You're allowed to have feelings. Ignoring or dismissing your own feelings is where we tend to get ourselves into trouble and pain. You don't have to choose to act on your feelings though. You can just let them be there, in the background, ask yourself what they're about and what you really need, have a cry, write in your journal, go for a run, get on with your day. They're just feelings at the end of the day. Stop texting men that can't give you what you need and look for the ones who can.

I'll give you a personal example. I've a friend in my college circle that I've known half my life. He's got some great qualities, loyal, intelligent, funny, honest, but is entirely unavailable romantically. One of these perpetual tinder daters, new girlfriend every so often, nothing that goes anywhere, vocal about not wanting to be "tied down" etc. I fancied him rotten for years. We hooked up a few times, I had a few drunken expressions of feelings, only to not see each other for months at a time until one of us has a new partner. I always wound up feeling frustrated and "not good enough".

In the last few years, I've sat down and thought about what I want in life. I realised my feelings for this guy were entirely misdirected because I had this belief that I can't get what I want or need in a relationship and he completely triggers that in me. Going for the ones that seem unobtainable can sometimes be a self-protective thing, because it'll only go one way and then the only person you can really blame is yourself. So you can beat yourself up and tell yourself "if only I did X, Y, Z" instead of feeling rejected. But it's a bit of a miserable, pointless dance isn't it? When you could just sit down with yourself, work through some painful feelings and go after what you really want and need in life instead?

Katgurl

Op I am not at all surprised you are reeling from this experience, it must be very very unsettling to discover someone has misled you for an entire year.

I would be totally thrown to discover a friend I spoke to every day had a relati

Katgurl

Posted too fast

... relationship they hadn't mentioned. The fact he was getting friendly with your circle and being so secretive is frankly scary.

This is nothing to do with you persevering with someone unsuitable as a pp suggested. This is somebody actively misleading you.

The reason you are dwelling on it imo is that you haven't figured it out - you keep replaying the scenes with this new information to see how you missed it. It's your way of protecting yourself from being tricked again.

Op, this is a deeply mistrustful person. You didn't miss signs. This is all him, not you. Chalk it up to a bullet dodged. They are not all like him, trust me.

Airyfairy12

Impassehelpusout wrote: »

Now comes my issue.
I was obviously extremely emotionally triggered by this event, once again I had been used by someone as the second best option, the bit on the side, while another more worthy person was the real centre of their love and attention.
It hurt me that this person knew well my relationship history with my ex and what had happened with that relationship in the past, yet proceeded with this action.
It hurt me that, I truly valued them as a friend, and they could have disclosed at any point they were actually seeing someone else, it would have meant a friendship could have been maintained among all acquaintances involved and no wires would have ever gotten crossed.
I feel very frustrated by these facts, and I do miss the friendship and daily communication. It’s rare to find a connection like we had from my experience, and I’m not juvenile either, we are all around the 30 mark, so a fair bit of life and relationship experience.
I feel I am mourning these thing but obviously feel I’m getting over it with time, but my brain seems stuck in a moment that I can’t get out of, to borrow a few lyrics from U2.
Now I’m not looking for advice on what to do, I know logically this is a person who’s of poor integrity and would be totally unreliable and untrustworthy. I know they’re essentially toxic. I know these facts.
But for whatever reason, I’m really stuck on this person and this moment and they way everything happened and ultimately worked out.... as a total failure.
I had never gone looking for anything, the build up had been totally natural and I feel I let my guard down, and now I’ve been hurt and wish I could undo the whole thing.
I wake up pretty much every morning and think of this person and the whole situation. Playing over conversations we had, working furiously in my mind to figure things out.

Someone asked me on a date recently, a very decent person, and I agreed and went, had an enjoyable time and there was never a lull in conversation etc, but can you guess who was on my mind the entire time ? ....
This upsets and frustrates me, I feel I want total closure, which I also know will never come! I have the information my brain needs, it’s as though my heart has not accepted it .
So I want your tips and advice, on ways get past this emotional impasse, to remove a person from my mind, to reverse or totally dampen the affiliated emotions.
I honestly want to move on, I know an old wound was opened and additional to that a new connection lost, but I’d appreciate your tips on getting past this, obviously with lockdown I can’t do much and sadly can’t see friends and family like I normally would.
I’d appreciate your tips and own experiences.

I just want to make a few points about the above section of your post, this might come across a bit harsh but its not meant that way.

Firstly, you werent a' second best' option for this man, to him you were never any option. You were sex, another notch on his belt.
His partner isnt 'more worthy'. If she was 'more worthy' in his eyes, he wouldnt be sleeping around behind her back.
This man doesnt decide your worth or his partners worth. You are both equally worthy, nothing him or anyone else does or says can take away your worth.

Secondly, this man was never your friend, you clicked with each other because he wanted to click with you, he wanted to boost his own ego by getting you into bed which he succeeded in doing.
Id take a bit of a guess about him and say he's quite charismatic, likeable, easy to get along with..id also take a guess that youre not the first woman he's 'clicked' with but failed to mention he has a girlfriend.
You were manipulated by him, he's not your friend and never was.
He betrayed your trust just as he betrayed his partners trust, this says everything about him, his behaviour is a reflection of who he is. Try not to take it personally as it really is not about you, he gets some sort of pleasure or boost from betraying trust and manipulating other people.

You knew this from the beginning, you said he was flaky, would let you down last minute and they sent little alarm bells ringing and red flags waving which you ignored. These are all signs that someone has very little respect for you and your time.
Next time, pay attention to peoples actions and behaviour rather than what they say.

I also find it interesting that you met someone who seems quite genuine yet you have no interest them, youre reluctant to even give them a chance besides a few dates. All you want is this toxic person who messed you around and manipulated you into bed.
The only advice id offer is to get counselling and get to the bottom of why you ignore red flags.

LegacyUser

Op here

Thanks again for the replies here, I’ve read them all and honestly seeing it written in black and white from an outside perspective has absolutely helped me.
It’s not that I don’t have friends, I do, and we discussed this when it happened initially but I don’t like to harp on about it, I feel I should be past it, but like I say, it bounces back.
Just a few points to the replies I got,
Katgurl, I’ve not actually thought about it like that but you’re absolutely right, I think I am very unsettled by the whole thing.
I am generally a good judge of character and am told the same by colleagues/friends, so the fact I got close to someone so insidious has made me very uncomfortable. And you’re right, I do think back and wish I had paid more attention to this and that etc, I must have missed something! I know this may sound over stated at this stage, but I’m not exaggerating the level of contact we had, it was numerous messages throughout the day, every single day, this was continuous for about 15 months solid. You can imagine how foolish I feel. The moment I stood there, having bumped into them, was honestly like a moment from a film, suddenly the penny dropped, it was a surreal experience, I realise this sounds dramatic!

Airyfairy, you’re not being harsh I appreciate you’re points which are solid advice.
I does upset me that I valued the friendship but I think you’re right, I wasn’t a friend, I was a sexual goal. You’re dead on the money about the charisma and being fun and popular etc. I just still feel very hurt that someone who seems so nice would actually be so false deceitful and treat someone the way they have. I guess I’ll eventually accept it.

You’re right, I did pick up the red flags early on, if this was an ordinary dating situation I honestly wouldn’t have tolerated it, it’s the fact it crescendoed so gradually and over time, and developed from someone I viewed as a colleague, to friend, to flirting and more, I dropped the ball this time and unfortunately fell into the trap that opened a tender wound.

RE: The most recent date, I wouldn’t say I’ve no interest, I agreed to one date, I’m not sure I’m attracted to them, my point was more that my mind is still distracted and not really in the place for exploring genuine interest in others, this in itself frustrates me.

Katgurl

Hi op,

No I meant you didn't miss something - this wasn't your mistake. Being open and trusting that someone is who they say they are doesn't make you naive or a victim. If I make friends with someone and they tell me about their life I believe it, I've no intention of investigating their claims and nor should you. If it turns out to be lies then you walk away. Don't take ownership for his insanity. It has nothing to do with you. It was very bad luck he came into your life. It will take a while to process perhaps but then shake it off and forget about him.

ILoveYourVibes

Op may i ask why you invested so much time in this person ..banter flirting ..when you say they were not relationship type for you?

You slept with him with no commitment or investment from him?


Honestly it sounds like your expectations from men are very low.

He played you.

Raise your expectations and when people don't meet them ..move on.

I would say this to a guy in your situation. He knew obviously what he was doing.


I also sense that you SHOULD have judged ....when you stopped yourself earlier in the relationship.

LegacyUser

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Op may i ask why you invested so much time in this person ..banter flirting ..when you say they were not relationship type for you?

You slept with him with no commitment or investment from him?


Honestly it sounds like your expectations from men are very low.

He played you.

Raise your expectations and when people don't meet them ..move on.

I would say this to a guy in your situation. He knew obviously what he was doing.


I also sense that you SHOULD have judged ....when you stopped yourself earlier in the relationship.

Hi loveyourvibes

Thank you for responding.

I thought to myself fairly early on in getting to know this person that they weren’t relationship material.
Why did I continue a relationship with them? Firstly because we were colleagues. Do you cut off colleagues who you’d think are poor at commitment ?! No! Because how someone approach’s their personal life doesn’t or shouldn’t really affect your relationship with them as a work colleague. We all have work friends who’s character we are able to assess, the result of that assessment doesn’t mean we cut them off.
That’s what happened here, this started out with no expectations.

Was I played? Absolutely! Was that my fault ? Absolutely not. Have you ever got to know new people ? Say in the the space of 12-15 months , a scenario where THEY made advances into your social circle, became pals with your friends and even members of your family.... only to be holding back significant, crucial parts of their own personal lives for the entirety of this time?
Because that’s what was going on here, yes I got an inclination, but I never thought it would be quite the drama it turned out to be, I knew they were flaky and didn’t face up to certain personal issues, some people are like that, that’s how they live their lives and it’s not for me to impede.
I don’t go through life assuming everyone is a pathological liar, the vast majority of people are not, mostly people are honest but I’m not naive either.
But I can certainly conclude that I’m upset and disappointed and frankly embarrassed by how the situation has transpired. Embarrassed because friends and family became involved. Disappointed because what was a friendship (in appearance) was discarded, and upset that I let my guard down and trusted someone.
I accept and appreciate your point, but really I’m looking for tips on getting past this and tips for the future, similar experiences are appreciated but all points welcomed.

As a side note, yesterday I spoke to a good friend for the first time in a few months, going back a chunk of months they’d have been well aware of the friendship and trajectory that was going on with the person involved here, as an example this person was added on social media by the subject of this conversation. This “friendship” still exists on social media. Anyway they were floored by the story of what happened.
Note, there are certain dramatic details that i have withheld from the synopsis I’ve given here . But i suppose my point Is I’m not entirely a fool, and wasn’t the only person fooled here, I mostly want tips on dealing with this and focusing on closure and moving forward

bitofabind

Hey OP. Healing isn’t something you can control. It helps to be compassionate with yourself and also to think about how you can protect yourself from toxic people going forward.

I met a few clowns like this in my single life. At a certain point I realised the pain I was feeling was as a result of an over investment in some guy who was showing me who he was all along and my pattern was that I was putting my lovely heart on the line despite all valid reasons not to. I did a lot of therapy. Dealt with some very painful wounds and self beliefs. Got healthy and stopped being drawn to unhealthy men. Met someone lovely.

No doubt you met a clown here. It’s helpful to look at things from a risk mitigation perspective. We can’t control a lot of things in life. But we can control who we invest in. I wouldn’t text someone every day for more than a year if there were some serious question marks around their character, colleague or not. That creates expectations of intimacy for me and I won’t cross that boundary without trust and reciprocation of investment.

ILoveYourVibes

Impassehelpusout wrote: »

Hi loveyourvibes

. Do you cut off colleagues who you’d think are poor at commitment ?!

You close the door on any kind of personal relationship opportunity with them.

Say in the the space of 12-15 months , a scenario where THEY made advances into your social circle, became pals with your friends and even members of your family.... only to be holding back significant, crucial parts of their own personal lives for the entirety of this time?

No. That hasn't happened to me.

Listen ....you are wiser now. And now it will NEVER happen to you again.


You sound like a LOVELY vibrant young woman. You have your life ahead of you. And its going to be much better from here on in.

Focus on that.

I think its great though in a way we have these experiences we learn so much.