How to move forward after a Death

stuey

On august 31 of this year I got a call from my aunty who was is shock. she asked for my mum or dad (were in town). She said ok and hung up. There was screaming and shouting in the background. I honestly someone had won the Lotto. 5 minutes later whe rang back to tell me dear Uncle dave had collapsed and passed away. he was 45. I was stunned of course. She told me to ring my mum and dad and tell them. So i had to ring my mum and tell her, her brother is dead. I them rang my dad and told him one of his best friends is dead. I than had to ring my uncles company co-founders son (who worked for the company as well ) and tell him he was dead. I then had to tell my 2 brothers that there uncle was dead.

Ever since I have not been right at all. I have cried so much and the slightest thing can upset me. He lived on the northside and even going over near where he lived kills me. There has not been a single day where I have not thought of my uncle dave. I can't imagine life without him.

Today there was a memorial mass for him in his barracks (he was a capt in the FCA). I found it so so hard. I was crying the whole way through.

I want to try and move forward but I am finding it so hard. Can anyone offer me some advice. I am considering going looking for help but just dont know where to turn

Thanks

FranknFurter

It will get easier in time, I promise.
Your first death, is very hard to deal with. All of them are really.
But when you are younger it hits harder.
If you need to cry, cry, and in you need to talk, talk.

thats my best advice, do whatever you want to do until you dont need to do it anymore.

cajun_tiger

my uncle died 4 years ago from cancer, it was the hardest thing until recently that i've had to go through. it hurts i can't watch the things he loved it hurts so much,it hurts all the time. i've cried so much and for so long. he died on my mams birthday so we dont celibrate that. he died before my daughters first christmas so she didn't have that.i miss him and love him so much but the only thing that i now can do is smile, remember the good remember the bad. take each and everyday in my stride. try and cope...
if you find yourself falling into a bad and dark place just smile at something, at a baby on the street and the life around you and remember that he is and always will be loved as long as you don't let him out of your heart.

ravenhead

Hi stuey,

I'm really sorry that you're going through such a hard time, but it will get easier - I promise you. My father died suddenly 4 years ago & when it first happened I thought that life was never ever going to be the same again & I guess to a point it really isn't....
But I have to say that talking to my family really did help, they were going through the exact same thing, having the same feelings as me, so it did help to know that I wasn't alone. But you will have your days - I drank like mad for a couple of months but then it kind of hit me that If i had behaved like that when dad was alive he would have killed me, so I had no right to be doing it now that he was dead. I still find it hard to visit his grave but it is getting easier...
So just hang in there & do talk about how your feeling, it really does help.

gogo

I'm feel so bad for you,
My dad died about seven weeks ago ,and i know how you are feeling,
Again you have to talk and talk (which generally means cry and cry) but sometimes its best to talk to a professional, I know that I couldn't have got by without the help of the hospice nurses in Tullamore, while I felt like an ass, I know that if i hadn't asked them what I needed to know I would be still be in an awful state now.
But now I have good days as well as the bad, and thats saying something.

Check out the links below - you might find something useful. Hang in there


www.bereavementireland.org
The Bereavement Counselling Service (Ireland)

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Cruse Bereavement Care (UK). General information on bereavement

stuey

Thanks for the help guys.
I can never imgine what pain you are going throught. To loose an uncle is terrible but to loose a father or a mother must just be devestating. In a kind of weird way I have to say that I am feeling better even already just reading all your threads. I'd like to thank you all for helping me out and for all of you that have lost a loved one my heart goes out to you.

tribble

Yeah - you get used to it. But hey, it happens to the best of us.

po0k

My dad died when I was 8.
My cousin was killed in a car-crash about 2 weeks after I started college.
A guy in my class died 2 years ago.

People die. You will die.
Hopefully before your kids do.
It is the conclusion of life (on this plane - insert your own belief here).

It's clichéd, but life does go on and time is a great healer.

It must've been hard having to pass on the news to so many people like that.
I'd say your Uncle would've been // is proud of you for standing steadfast and rising to a challenge like that.

Remember him for the man he was, if you get a chance/feel up to it, have a chat with your relatives over the christmas and talk about your collective memories. Sharing your feelings is an important part of the grieving process, does wonders for lifting a bit of the sadness when someone mentions the goodtimes and the craic that was had.

Victor

Stuey, do you have someone to talk to? Be it a close friend who is outside the family loop or a significant other where you can really talk about things? Talk helps, but even then it can be hard to bear.

You might think about giving your GP a call to see if they have a list of local councellors.

stuey

I have talked to some close friends about it and thy have been a great help but I'm still having great dificulty about it. The thing I find when I talk to friends is that I dont want to but them in an awkward position.

There is a councellor in my college that im considering going to

_blank_

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have to tell you it will get easier to deal with this, but no one can tell you how long it will take.

You will have good days, and you will have bad days, the grieving process is long, and that is natural.

You have your memories of your uncle, and so do other people.

There is nothing I enjoy more than sitting around with people who knew my friend who passed away http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=167599
and talking about him, remembering the good times we had. It is very helpful to me.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

stuey

seansouth I read your tribute post and I thought it was beautiful. It really touched me. It reminds me of the speach my aunty had written for my uncles funeral. It was from the heart. I'm so very very sorry for you loss

THe days are getting somewhat easier. They'll never ever be the same and I do miss him so so much. Im not lloking forward to this christmas/new year. His family along with another family would come to my house. Every single year for as long as I remember it would be the 15 of us. This year it will be 14, and I dont know if im going to be able to take it. Its made so much harder by the fact his birthday is dec 31st. I used to love the christmas season but this christmas espically is going to be terrible for my whole family.

Its just so God damn unfair. Its un-natural for a man to die at 45. Why should someone who everybody loved and a man with 3 young kids have to die. I wish I knew. I would could give anything, absolutly anything just to give him a hug. If it meant being poor and on my own for the rest of my life on a desert island I would do it.

I'm here typing this crying my eyes out and I just dont know when this is going to stop. I want to be with him

Elessar

I'm really really sorry for you stuey. It sounds like you were very close to your Uncle, maybe you can tell us how close you were, and what you liked about him etc? I've never experienced death in my family (yet) so I guess its hard for me to relate to your feelings, but I'm sure I will someday.

It sounds cliched, but time is a great healer. I know from observing other people in your situation that it gets easier as time goes on. I'm not sure what else to say, so I hope you start feeling better.

Farls

Sorry about your uncle, mine died almost 2 months ago now but i don't think i was as close as you were to yours.

My neighbour told me bout mine, i told my folks i then got my gran and brought her down to the house cuz it was her daughters husband who had died. We were the first there and it was tough like but you just have to carry on, people die and theres not a lot you can do about it.

I took a day off college for the funeral and carried on with life, i couldn't afford to miss time at college so i kept it to myself as much as possible and just stayed pre-occupied.

My thoughts on your situation is that you don't have enough else going on in your life, your spending too much time dwelling on something that you really can't change. You need to go out, go on holidays, get a job, start the gym....just take your mind of it, things will pick up.

Farlz

stuey

my mums side of the family is very close. We are around each other all the time. Likw i use to see uncle daves family at least once a week. And we would always be together at holidays and my dad and dave were really good freinds and would go walking together cause they both loved walking. actaully dave died while hill walking and my dad was meant to go walking with him but couldn;t cause of a bad back.

I am keeping myself busy all the time. I am out pretty much every evening and im in college during the day. I fix and build pcs in my spare time so I'm kept busy pretty much all the time.

I have always been a thinker you see. I always think of things going around me. I always think of "what if" and "how that works" and about other people. I have always been like that

stuey

Oh yeah and sorry to hear about the death of ur uncle.

Farls

I know what you mean about being a thinker, i sometimes do way too much of that myself also I still go along with the idea that even though your kept physically busy you need it mentally as well, like something to look forward to, to plan etc. For instance maybe next summer you might like to go somewhere on holidays.

Or get a g/f they take up all your thinking time! Anyway things will pick up...

Farlz

stuey

I see what you mean. I dont really have anything to look forward to at the mo. Well i did crash the car and i'm looking forward to paying of that as soon as I can. That does take my mind of what happened a bit. Im always trying to think of where I will get another pc to fix and earn some doh. But that cant consume my thought all the time. And there is always some time in the day where my mind wanders and it always seems to go back to the same thing

40crush41

how to move foward from death? thats a tough one, it will heal with time -i can promise u that, but i wouldn't be honest if i didn't say that u will cry throughout this year, especially with every holiday he won't be there, and then for years to come it will still be difficult.
don't feel that u need to move on so quickly. i know, getting back to life would be excellent, but ur mind and body aren't ready yet -grieving is part of the process to accepting death.
my cousin Chris was 19 when he passed away in a car accident -this is three years ago. typing that just made my stomach turn and i feel as if i want to cry. but for me, three years later -its an improvement that im Not brushing away tears streaming down my face when i hear his name. on his anniversary this year i was able to laugh with my sister about memories we had with him.
but still there are the down days, sometimes that fateful mornign repeats before my eyes -seeing my sister bawling, me repeating "no" over and over, holding my uncle's head on my shoulder.. why? why? why? -he was 19.. i remember him to be old.. i'll be turning 18 this year... he was so young..

I remember being in the state that ur in now -wanting to move on, trying to keep my mind off of the thought. its natural. the only thing that worked for me was holding on to my family as hard as i could-as stated before, they were going through what i was going through- talk, share stories, remember, LAUGH! sooo sooo hard, but laugh through the tears if u must -and when u can't bare to think of it, when its too overwhelming to think of what has happened, call up a friend who can get ur mind of the subject for an hour or two -hopefully more.

and please, remember that its okay to cry -u want to move on and got on with living life, yes -its only natural, and eventhough that gutted feeling still remains, with time the laughter will follow.
i am most sorry for your loss, when someone we love dies they are taking a piece of us with them and all of the memories that could have been -and it sucks.

its a tough time, please keep well, it'll be okay.
-Beth

stuey

sorry to here about your cousin beth. I know what you went through!!.
I am starting to see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. Things are getting easier. Im going to by my aunty and her family a star in Uncle daves memory.
http://www.starregistry.com/
I know its not a recognised company, but I think that it would be nice knowing that we can look up in the sky and say "thats daves star".
I think it would be a nice way to remember him

40crush41

Hey stuey -glad to read that things are picking up for u. thats a lovely idea about the star registry, just think how nice that is to have a star set up as a memorial for your uncle.

keep well and remember to laugh -its the best thing for you!
~Beth

dub45

Stuey,

As an uncle I felt very very moved by the thread and I thought maybe I would post some of my own thoughts on it. Have you tried to think how your uncle might like you to feel if he could help you?

I am a doting uncle myself - dont have any kids but have a nephew 16 and a niece 19 we get on really well we are friends as much as relations we have lots in common - music, computer, gadgets lovers, football and so on. I know if anything happened to either of them I would be absolutely devastated.

If anything should happen to me I know they would be pretty upset. But if I could talk to them (from the other side!) I would ask them to remember me always, to laugh at my idiosynchrosies just as they do now:) and to be glad that we had our relationhip, our friendship for as long as we had and to get on with their lives not to stand still. Be glad of the memories of chats over cups of coffee, of new music heard or slagging over football matches or growing taller than me or having more hair than me. They are wonderful moments that are shared be glad that they happened - so many people do not get to share such wonderful moments of love and happiness. Enjoy them in retrospect treasure them as positive things but live live live! That is what I would want to get across to them if only I could.

Stuey try to live in the knowledge that you knew and loved a special person and in turn he loved you and your parents. Don't underestimate the drain on you of having to tell all those people of your sad news that would be very difficult in any circumstances never mind that the person concerned was a loved one. Try to look on it that a very decent person lived for 45 years and not that he could have lived longer.

Grief can be helped by writing down your feelings how about your own letter to your uncle and telling him how you feel about him?

LadyPenelope

My heart goes out to you, my fav aunt died when i was 16, she was only 38 and had cancer. I was and our whole family were devastated. In time it feels better, as all the other posters have said. My grandfather died that same year, it does get better. But just to put it into perspective a little, a was at a funeral for a friend of mines 5 year old girl last week. Five years old. I have a son that age myself. The whole school was at the funeral and after the funeral the children let off pink ballons with a note attached to each for her. That was lovely. I cry at the slightest sad thing now. I love the idea of the star too for your uncle. Remember that they live on in our hearts and thoughts daily.

stuey

I would just like to give all u nice people an update on how I'm feeling.

But first of all I would like to thank u from the bottom of my heart for listening to me in the first place. I always knew that there were nice people out there, but I have been overwhelmed by some of your generosity. All of you telling your stories and lending ur advice really with out a shadow of a doubt helped me out so much. I'd give u all rep but for some reason its disabled for me!!. Thanks again

I have been feeling so much better these last few weeks. I owe it all to DCU and my new circle of friends. I've made one great new friend out there and a handful of other really good friends. Just being out in DCU and hanging around them makes me feel so much better and it makes me somewhat like the old me. Which makes me feel great in side. With out DCU and those great friends I don’t know what I would have done. They have saved my life and for that I am in ur debt forever

I've been working my ass off the last while keeping myself busy and it has helped a lot. I've always loved helping people out and doing anything to help anybody and make them happy and I've being doing that a lot the last month and it makes me feel so so good. It puts a big smile on my face. I went to India in 02 to do charity work and I donated a lot of money to them this Christmas and it just made me feel great.

I also told some of my friends about what I was really feeling and I was worried I might upset them in some way and that I might think I'm a bit weird espically one of my new friends in DCU but they were so cool about it and they all just listened and told me there stories, and it makes me feel much more relaxed and calm cause they know what I feel like.

Just want to thank all of u that have listened to me. I want to wish you all the best Christmas and all of you have a fantastic new year

stuey

I know it looked like from my last thread that things were looking great but since college ended there has been the same thing going through my head every 5 minutes

1. How long till Im back in DCU
2. Who the next person im going to get a chance to talk to
3. What am I going to do over the holidays
4. Uncle Dave

Those 4 things are going through my head every 5 minutes of eery single day since I finished college. Im only finshed like 5 days but im slowly going crazy. I have tried to plan so that the over the next 26 days till im back in DCU i have something to do every day. And so far im booked up till the 29th but still every 5 minutes those 4 things go through my head. I've always been a big talker and I find myslef talking for ages to any friend i catch on the phone or in the street for as long as I can. I just want this stupid Xmas holiday/break to be over ASAP. I want to get back to DCU to me old friends and forget about it all. Like it was before the holidays started. The only thing i have to look forward to is

1. Going back to DCU and seeing my great new friends.
2. Talking to anybody.
3. Paying of the damage on the car.

But thats not doing it for me. Anybody any advice to help these 3 and a bit weeks go really really quick

Farls

Theres tons of things you could do;

Start going to the gym (this will take up most time if done properly, and you'll get personal benefits out of it)

Plan a few nights out with friends

Make a website

Increase your boards postcount

Get ahead of yourself at college work

Read a book

Watch some movies

Do some charity work

etc....

Farlz

Victor

Go see a movie, it'll make you feel a little better and take your mind off things.