Attracting women without trying so hard?

Pavilion38

I once read that you will find love if you stop looking for it? Is this utter nonsense?

Ok, I am male, nearly 40 now and have never had a relationship that lasted longer than 4 months. As i have said in previous threads, I dated women that I got along with and had similar interests, but never ones for which I felt overtly sexually attracted. Unsurprisingly, these kind of relationships would naturally fizzle out.

So i'm back on the dating scene and i'm trying to improve my attractiveness, to be more desirable to women I really fancy. I'm losing weight and paying more attention to dressing a little sharper. However as regards my hobbies; my interests are not something that lends themselves to meeting women too easily. I like golf, football and creative writing.

I went on youtube and looked at a lot of dating coach websites and they're strategies for talking to women seem very challenging but i'm willing to give them a try even though i'm naturally introverted.

On top of all this, we are still in the midst of Covid 19 and lockdown, so options and opportunities to meet people are limited. My close friends are all married and virtually off the scene as they have kids now. Im thinking this girlfriend project is going to kick off more realistically in 2021.

Has anyone got any tips ? I have gone on a few hiking meet-ups and they have a wide demographic of people so i suppose that is a start.

stateofflux

I would Stay with what you are passionate about the most and don't waste your time deviating. Passion and drive all the way imo and these things open avenues that you could never predict. In line with the path that deep down you know will make you happy.

I would guess creative writing is way up there in terms of attractive talents. Assuming you are truly passionate about it.

Id also ask yourself honestly why your relationships did not last long and why you dated people you were not really attracted to.

I never got people joining outdoor meet ups to find someone. It strikes of neediness to me, unless you actually like hiking etc.

If you are concerned about being introverted . Literally force yourself to be extroverted. (Difficult at the moment i know). But when things get back to normal, which they will, just get out there and have fun. without fun there is no point. Most of those strategies online are money making schemes fyi.

Also get this 40 thing out your head, you are actually in the peak years of male attractiveness, healthy, secure, mature etc etc...

good luck.

Airyfairy12

Id suggest not watching any pf those pickup artist/how to speak women videos on Youtube. Speak to women like you speak to your friends, women are people too! Its really not that challenging.
If youre almost 40 chances are you'll be meeting/attracting women of a similar age, most single women past 30 can spot a red flag a mile off. With that said, my advice to you is be genuine.

Thelonious Monk

Stop trying to attract women so much, do other stuff

Gekko

Don’t watch those videos

The secret to talking to people isn’t complicated and it’s not a secret.

Just look for openings in conversations to ask people about themselves

TP_CM

When you first dated them, were you physically attracted to them? Just wondering if you're focusing on physical attractiveness here when, in actual fact, it was there to begin with but an intimacy issue came along and drowned it out. If you weren't ever attracted to them, I would say don't date them because you're just wasting their time and yours.

It's always good to work on ourselves so you're doing the right thing there. Lose weight, invest in a healthy passion, and learn to speak with confidence.

When they say "stop looking for love", they mean stop treating it like a new coat or pair of jeans which are sitting on a hanger somewhere waiting for you to find. Love is a thing you go out and DO (not look for), and really what you're trying to find is a person with similar values and ideas of fun and adventure who you can love WITH. Think of them more like a co pilot than a person who just makes you feel love from their mere presence alone. The problem with people today is that they think they're going to meet someone and some love drug will be switched on in their brain forever like a morphine drip from their mere existence alone. Hollywood kind of painted that lovely picture. But it doesn't work like that unfortunately. Not long term anyways.

ILoveYourVibes

Could you meet one at work?

Church on Tuesday

Pavilion38 wrote: »

I once read that you will find love if you stop looking for it? Is this utter nonsense?

Ok, I am male, nearly 40 now and have never had a relationship that lasted longer than 4 months. As i have said in previous threads, I dated women that I got along with and had similar interests, but never ones for which I felt overtly sexually attracted. Unsurprisingly, these kind of relationships would naturally fizzle out.

So i'm back on the dating scene and i'm trying to improve my attractiveness, to be more desirable to women I really fancy. I'm losing weight and paying more attention to dressing a little sharper. However as regards my hobbies; my interests are not something that lends themselves to meeting women too easily. I like golf, football and creative writing.

I went on youtube and looked at a lot of dating coach websites and they're strategies for talking to women seem very challenging but i'm willing to give them a try even though i'm naturally introverted.

On top of all this, we are still in the midst of Covid 19 and lockdown, so options and opportunities to meet people are limited. My close friends are all married and virtually off the scene as they have kids now. Im thinking this girlfriend project is going to kick off more realistically in 2021.

Has anyone got any tips ? I have gone on a few hiking meet-ups and they have a wide demographic of people so i suppose that is a start.

Losing weight and dressing well are things you should be doing for yourself first and foremost; you want really to be doing these things to make you feel better about yourself, not to attract women. When you look and feel good about yourself that is then what will help make you attractive in the main.

Your interests are fine, most men have similar and some women. Continue with the hiking, it's keeping you fit and a great way to meet people too.

Really you just have to put yourself out there and get talking to women, that is of course easier said then done right now but it's still possible. Maybe try online dating but I think you would be best to go premium on those sites and avoid nonsense like tinder and POF.

There's no harm at looking at advice online either (and for fashion advice loads of great channels out there), however do bare in mind that a lot (not all) of these dating coaches are pushing a product they ultimately want you to buy and there will be cultural differences too.

Best of luck OP!

cannotlogin

All you need is sincerity, a smile and a decent sense of humour.

Women aren't a different species and we aren't that complicated either (most of us anyway!).

There's nothing more off putting that someone trying too hard, being false or insincere. Most women can spot a guy he has been googling pick up artist nonsense & will run a mile. Just be you.

Idle Passerby

cannotlogin wrote: »

There's nothing more off putting that someone trying too hard, being false or insincere. Most women can spot a guy he has been googling pick up artist nonsense & will run a mile. Just be you.

I second this. I know a guy who decided in his late 30s it was time to look for love. He started getting fit and picked up some new hobbies. His friends were supportive and encouraging. He met a girl and within weeks had dropped the hobbies and gone back to an unhealthy diet because in his head job done, he snared a woman. Of course she dumped him and rightly so because he was only pretending to be health conscious, with varied interests.

When people say try new things, get fit, in order to meet someone. It's because if you are happier in yourself others will be more interested in spending time with you. These steps are for personal development rather than a formula to catch a partner.

Mjolnir

Be confident and content in yourself and don't look for it.
Women can sense confidence as can men and its definitely attractive to both genders.
If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with yourself.
I met herself after I'd decided I was going to stay single for a while and lo and behold she appears ha.

Talk to women like they are normal people cause they are, make good eye contact (not creepy staring into the soul eye contact) take an interest and listen.

As said above for the love of God don't listen to those American gobsh/t€$ on YouTube I've seen them in action and its shocking.

Eye contact, smile, relax and have a chat

completedit

I wouldn't rubbish those "American youtubers." Not all of them are what the people in this thread seem to think. Charisma on command is a good channel--Not necessarily for tips because I think we are conditioned to be a certain way, but it allows for a new perspective.
School of life is a good YT channel for perspective. Not a dating channel per se but has helped me reevaluate how I view certain things. It's pop philosophy but that's not a bad thing the best wisdom is often simple.

Man, realistically if you wanted to be in a relationship, you could be in one in the morning. The reality however is that if you have been single you probably are quite picky. Combine that with a lack of opportunities to really get to know other people, especially if you're a little older and introverted. You need to somehow, once covid is over, get into as many scenarios as possible. I used to laugh off the idea of "joining clubs" to meet someone. I now think it's fine but it has to be casual, you can't be the guy who goes there and starts pulling the moves on whichever young one is in earshot. As an introvert I doubt this is you haha but I think this is what people assume when people imagine people doing in such a scenario.

Jequ0n

I might be wrong but is there a chance that you’re punching way above your waistline? If you have a high standard you need to be able to hold yourself to the same, otherwise this will never work.
As I said, I might be wrong here. Your post just reminded me of someone I used to know who couldn’t understand why the Instagram model type girls he was after never took any interest in his obese and annoying self. He just really didn’t see that his idea wasn’t achievable

JustAThought

OP - times are hard at the moment in terms of meeting new people but it sounds like having a broader perspective on how you approach relationships can’t help and paying attention to weight and appearance is a great start - 90% of out first impressions are visual so keep it up and make it a long term lifestyle choice!

I think the outdoors groups are a great idea - ypu meet a cariety of people inna social setting and this can lead to getting to know someone who might be ‘the one’ or might have a friend who they think is perfect for you who they might invite alone one day. Great - keep it up and mix it up too - if one group is full of seventies chicks it clearly won’t yield the results you want so don’t be afraid to move on!

You don’t mention work, but you say your hobbies include football and creative writing. Does this actually mean you stay at home by yourself watching tv and writing or do
you do it in a social context - writers group, book club, supporters club, trips away, helping in a club whatever - spread your wings.

Also - when the covid lifts - join a mixed club - cycling, running, tag rugby, sea swimming, hiking - plenty of social clubs to meet/go to bars/gigs etc in meetup.com - you’ll meet lots if different types of people - I’d really recommend it.

You’re on the right track with health aNd Appearance - you just need the right
opportunity so keep it up! Now is the time to aork on your chat so having something to talk about is a great plan to work on - whatever that interest may be. A chat on your own personal creative writing may only last so long so having a diversity of interests and chitchat topics will work in your favour! At least you have had relationships in your past even if you havn’t
yet met ‘the one’ ...lots of people are looking ... Keep up the good work!

Taeholic

Hi OP,

The dating scene is tough but hang in there. The best advice I can give you and I apologise for the cheesiness, is just be yourself.

You sound like a great guy but maybe you're trying too hard to impress. I was you (female) Before a date I wanted men to like me, I wasn't nearly as concerned whether I liked them which was very messed up. So I stepped away from dating and worked on myself.

I took a long hard look in the mirror and decided the problem was with me. I didn't know what I wanted from a relationship, I just wanted one. Its a total cliche to say you won't be happy in a relationship until you are happy on your own.

As others have said its great you want to get fitter and healthier but you have to do that for you. When you're happier in yourself you naturally gain confidence. Thats the magic formula, happiness and confidence in just being you.

You will naturally attract someone that is worthy of you and your great qualities. We're all a work in progress and thats ok. I went on a lot of dates in a year, I was burned out. Then my perfect man came along, we just clicked straight away. No hidden agenda's, no wondering how the other felt or if he would call etc Just two authentic people being themselves. I could not be happier, no games no drama just pure happiness since.

Be yourself, know what you want and don't settle for less than that. You're worth more than that. And if you have to force it or feel unsure, then you gotta walk away they're not for you. I truly wish you the very best of luck

kat86d

Dating coach websites, really??? Well that's your first problem you are totally overthinking things. Just be yourself, if you are looking for love try not to look so hard. Its rare that you are going to fall across your future spouse over a hiking trip. My advice is play it cool, women like men that are ooze charm and confidence without coming across as a tool.

suicide_circus

People always say "be confident" but confident is something you either are or you're not and you don't seem to be confident. And while natural confidence is great, not all women are confident and they might like to meet someone like themselves who dosnt exude intimidating confidence - does that make sense?

My advice is to put yourself in situations in which you are around as many single women as possible, as much as possible, it's a simple numbers game. Difficult during covid but you get the idea.

Airyfairy12

suicide_circus wrote: »

People always say "be confident" but confident is something you either are or you're not and you don't seem to be confident. And while natural confidence is great, not all women are confident and they might like to meet someone like themselves who dosnt exude intimidating confidence - does that make sense?

My advise is to put yourself in situations in which you are around as many single women as possible, as much as possible, it's a simple numbers game. Difficult during covid but you get the idea.

This so much, I run in the opposite direction when near really confident people, cant deal with them at all. Im not alone in that, allot of women don't expect a potential partner to be confident, massively social or anything else.
Just be genuine, kind and most importantly, listen! dont take over the whole conversation by only talking about yourself and things that interest you - which is so common with allot of men unfortunately.
Dont have too many expectations when you meet women, dont expect sex or relationships with women just because you like them, make sure they like you back the same way otherwise they will run a mile from you. Just be aware of other peoples feelings.

Salthillprom

As a woman, I think you'll come across most attractive when you're happy doing something you love. I know that sounds utterly cliche but it's true. So if you like hiking, as you say you do, then joining a group is the right thing to do, as you'll meet someone with common interests while doing something you like. Yes, dressing well is important, yes being healthy is important and if that means losing a bit of weight, then do that.
I would agree that love finds you when you least expect it. Throw yourself into things you like doing because at the end of the day, you need someone who has common interests as you, and that's how you will find that person.
Nothing wrong with liking football or golf. I would see that as a positive. I don't like football myself but I do think it's sthg a lot of men like, so zilch wrong with that.

tawnyowl

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Could you meet one at work?

A lot of people don't like to date coworkers in case the relationship goes sour and they have to work with them afterwards.