How to get rid of these feelings?

LegacyUser

So I still have feelings for my ex just over 4 months on and I just want them to go away at this stage. How do I do this?

I have focused on myself, I excercise daily, I've invested in myself but there he is still popping into my mind. I know people say try meeting someone else and at the moment with covid its not great.

I can't tell him either how I feel so I have to get past it.

Any advice would be great.

Idle Passerby

It depends how long you were together but 4 months is not really that long to get over a serious relationship. They say it takes half the time you were together but it's very subjective.

Locker10a

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s a tough time and you probably feel like a mental case because this person is so often popping into your mind, but honestly, give it more time, I know it’s been 4 months, but the healing will begin and sometimes once it starts it can happen quickly!
Don’t dismay if you have a relapse of sadness/feelings when you think you’re past it, that’s normal, accept the feeling and know, once again the feelings/emotions will subside.
Depending on the situation it may be helpful to read some books on relationships or attachment, sometimes people have a desire to understand things and this can be helpful

Calypso Realm

I'm of the opinion it takes as long as it takes and as mentioned already 4 months (esp in the current climate) isn't long at all.

You sound as if you're doing your bit and while it's different for everyone it's essentially a process, which can't be rushed. So don't be to hard on yourself.

However, I can guarantee there will come a time when you realise that person didn't pop into your head all day!

leggo

New routine. It’s tougher to do in lockdown but basically fill the void they’ve left in your life. Figure out who you want to be on your own without them then work towards that individual end goal. Keep doing this day after day until it becomes your new routine, your brain will naturally go along with it and adjust until your old routine seems weird and your ex isn’t a component of your happiness anymore because they’re not involved in the new goals you’ve made to achieve it. It’s easier said than done and it doesn’t change overnight, but it does work.

Henry Ford III

4 months is nothing relatively. Keep going with your new routine.

Airyfairy12

You might always have feelings for him, I really believe that if you truly love someone, feelings for them never really go away, the feelings will change over time but the ex will always have a place within you. Thats not to say you cant accept the breakup, move on,fall for someone else and be happy but it takes time. Expecting feelings for someone to change within 4 more months is unrealistic.

Id suggest that you stop putting a time stamp on your feelings and instead focus on accepting your feelings and adjusting to your new circumstances. Id also suggest that you focus on having positive mental health.

ShatterAlan

Woman00 wrote: »

So I still have feelings for my ex just over 4 months on and I just want them to go away at this stage. How do I do this?

I have focused on myself, I excercise daily, I've invested in myself but there he is still popping into my mind. I know people say try meeting someone else and at the moment with covid its not great.

I can't tell him either how I feel so I have to get past it.

Any advice would be great.

If you were to hold and kiss him again......would it be the same?

I say, do the natural thing and get into bed and cry until you are dry.

Rinse, repeat. There's nothing wrong with sobbing if you are upset and fragile and miserable.

And after that, if you still think of the man, then keep thinking of him. Until your thoughts of him don't hurt as much.

ILoveYourVibes

This is just an opinion OP.

I am not sure it applies to you.

And it might seem i come off as not knowing what i am taking about. And i am not claiming to.

But ..well for what it is worth.

I think its not so much as having control of these partic feelings.

But rather having control in a healthy way of your feelings in your life regarding everything. Not in a repressive way though.

Its more about emotional intelligence. Its more about ..emotional expression in a regulated way.

Start journalism when these emotions are affecting you most?

Is it at night?

When do you think of him most ?? Is it through day dreaming ? sometimes that happens to imaginative people simply because they have no other established pattern or storyline to day dream of.

Basically what you are experiencing is RUMINATION. And you are invested emotionally in this rumination. You are ruminating mentally and emotionally over this experience or person.

Him popping into your mind etc ..and you thinking of him when you can't control it...is rumination..overthinking a little on one thing.

Break ups are a negative thing and you have to establish a better way of processing negative emotional or mental experiences.

Stress is supposed to make the rumination WORSE. So try and do some relaxation things.

A subjective experience to some of your feelings and ruminations can help.

We all have to learn to control anger anxiety or nerves ..impulses to drink or gamble..but we are never taught we might at some point have to control other emotions ..such as romantic ones.


If this is seeming like nonsense ..sorry. Only trying to help.

bitofabind

We don't "get rid" of feelings OP. Just like we don't "get rid of" a broken leg. We heal on a schedule that is largely outside of our control.

What we can control, however, is how kind and patient we want to be to ourselves in the process. Do you want to fight against yourself and dismiss and ignore and belittle your own feelings, internalise things and come out with some negative self-beliefs and ideas about the world? Or do you want to have compassion for yourself for going through what are some hard life circumstances, take care of yourself when you're having a bad day, seek out support and understanding, ask yourself some questions about what you need in those harder moments?

Don't try to control this process, it'll be counter-productive. The point is not to make these painful feelings "go away". The point is to let them be there, ask yourself what you really need, and understand that feelings are just that - feelings. They don't kill you. They don't have to control you or your actions.