Forgiveness ?

Edna05

A few months ago i found out about an emotional affair on snapchat that my partner was having from the start of our relationship with an older woman which went on for years. They previously hooked up a few times before out relationship and have been sending innuendo and personal snapchats frequently since. We have been to couple counselling and completed numerous sessions although no true explination has been arrived at for the source of the infidelity 'i didnt think about it, it didnt mean anything etc' it was only snapchat'. I am still incredibly numb and get quite emotional about it still and finding forgiveness amd moving on very difficult. I Feel torn as I know a major emotional and trust injustice has been done to me but want to do whats best for the little one and am trying to forgive and forget. At times when busy it is easy to forget what has happened but then when i go back to remembering it is just as hurtful and painful. I know of the woman and see her from time to time which brings me back to square one. I dont know where this is going but i feel quite stuck. I feel as though i was emotionally/relationship wise never enough when he had to engage in this and lack to see the innocence of the 'friendship'. I feel as though his emotions and life has remained unchanged and as if i am doing all the grieving and hurting for the past and present relationship. I feel as though this is much harder to fix than a physical affair as he cannot pinpoint the source of it all. I feel like a fool and a puppet and that i only seen a shadow of this person from the outset and am annoyed at myself for not picking up on my usual gut instinct. As an empath and overthinker it is very draining and i feel like i am at a crossroads not knowing where to go and how to heal

Xterminator

Hi Op

i don't see how you can forgive him, if he isn't asking for your forgiveness? He is not sorry, he doesn't acknowledge the hurt he has caused. you didn't get any sense of this from the counselling at all?


You are grieving but you are doing so alone. I think your partner is telling you where he stands. You are just in denial as to the message he is sending you.

Tork

Edna, much as you want to return your relationship to how it was before you found out what your partner was up to, it's never going to happen. To be brutally frank, you were never in the relationship you thought you were. All through it, this fella was carrying on with this other woman. I wouldn't be so certain that this dalliance was merely over Snapchat either. Cheaters usually only admit to the bare minimum. If he thinks he can pull the wool over your eyes and say it was just some Snapchats and you're prepared to believe that, he'll stick to that line.

Couples can repair their relationships after an affair but only if both people are on board. I am seeing nothing here to suggest your partner is prepared to be honest or properly fix this relationship. Can I ask why he isn't with this other woman rather than with you? Is she married or something? It sounds like he settled for you and you aren't really what he wants. Sorry.

JustAThought

I’ve watched people in work and social settings spark off each other and do the banter and giddy kind of teenage half flirting - when one or both are married i’m always amazed
that they think so little of it that they do it so
openly. Different values or backgrounds - like the guy who stares drooling at someone better looking when his partner is there but then says so what I’m ‘only’ looking. Different perspectives, different values. He says ‘nothing’ happened, you have issues with the emotional betrayal and possibly worry about him acting on it - if you can teuat him there and if he would if he could - of if it was ‘only’ banter. I don’t know what I would do if I were you but he has agreed to go to counselling and has one wouod hope been honest. It seems the outlooks of what you want are also different - he wants to appease you and keep the marriage/ relationship and you want - what? An admission of something he says he didn’t do? To punish and deatroy him and the marriage/ relationship you want to save? Him to say he agrees with you when he clearly dosn’t?

What goal have you got in mind OP? If you are using counselling to break him its an expensive waste of money. Do you want him never to see or talk to her again? Have you taken her on? Have gou considered it? Is she married/in a relationship? Is this what she wants - to destroy your marriage so she can have him? Do you want to give that to her? Did he say he would stop - if not you can throw your hat at it IMO.

Sardonicat

What is an 'emotional affair'? Were they in love? Did they admit to feelings for one another? Or were they close friends?

Sardonicat

Sardonicat wrote: »

What is an 'emotional affair'? Were they in love? Did they admit to feelings for one another? Or were they close friends?

It's where they flirt,message, chat etc. but nothing physical, or so they say , personally I believe there is usually way more to it but they stick to the 'emotional ' story unless there's actual proof otherwise. Both types are as bad as eachother imo because you'll always have doubts and can never go back to a normal relationship due to lack of trust, just my opinion.

Sardonicat

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It's where they flirt,message, chat etc. but nothing physical, or so they say , personally I believe there is usually way more to it but they stick to the 'emotional ' story unless there's actual proof otherwise. Both types are as bad as eachother imo because you'll always have doubts and can never go back to a normal relationship due to lack of trust, just my opinion.

Honestly, and this is just my opinion now, I think you are describing the dynamic between close opposite sex friends. I don't know if that was just the extent of it in the OPs case but if that is all it was I don't know what the problem is. Flirting doesn't mean anything is going on and can often be in jest, especially if there's an age gap.

Sardonicat

Sardonicat wrote: »

Honestly, and this is just my opinion now, I think you are describing the dynamic between close opposite sex friends. I don't know if that was just the extent of it in the OPs case but if that is all it was I don't know what the problem is. Flirting doesn't mean anything is going on and can often be in jest, especially if there's an age gap.

The OP says her OH and the other woman had hooked up a few times before they got together so more than just friends imo ,I can totally understand why she wouldn't be happy with innuendo laden chats in that case. Also I wonder did he tell her all along that he was messaging the other person or did she find out herself, I'd guess that gut instinct triggered her to check his phone but I could be all wrong. Fair play if you'd be happy with your OH in that situation, I personally wouldn't believe it was innocent.

Sardonicat

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The OP says her OH and the other woman had hooked up a few times before they got together so more than just friends imo ,I can totally understand why she wouldn't be happy with innuendo laden chats in that case. Also I wonder did he tell her all along that he was messaging the other person or did she find out herself, I'd guess that gut instinct triggered her to check his phone but I could be all wrong. Fair play if you'd be happy with your OH in that situation, I personally wouldn't believe it was innocent.

I'm sorry, don't think innuendo laden chats amount to cheating. Maybe not appropriate but certainly not a grave emotional injury. The partner's relationship with this woman pre-dates the OP's. Just because they hooked up long ago doesn't mean there is anything to it now. If there was something going on OP would have found something more than innuendo.The OP herself isn't claiming it was physical. Unless the partner has confessed to being in love with this woman it just comes across as throwing a massive tantrum because there is a woman in his life to whom he is close that isn't OP. That's not a crime or a betrayal.

Idle Passerby

It sounds like you and your partner are on completely different pages OP. To you, he has cheated and betrayed you. To him he's had a friend he flirts with since before he met you and doesn't know why your upset over it. Your both at crossed purposes so it's going to remain in limbo unless you can communicate how you both feel to each other.

The fact this "emotional affair" predates his relationship with you complicates it a bit. There was never a time in your relationship when this other woman wasn't part of the picture so there's no "back to normal" to strive towards. Your asking him to stop doing something (no pun intended) that has been part of his life since before you met. Maybe he thinks of it as totally innocent, although that begs the question why this friend has apparently been a secret all along. Either way, the relationship you thought you were in never really existed.

Tork

They exchanged nude selfies

Idle Passerby

Tork wrote: »

They exchanged nude selfies

Where does it say that? The OP only says they "exchanged innuendo" over snapchat. Id take that to mean flirty comments.

Tork

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Where does it say that? The OP only says they "exchanged innuendo" over snapchat. Id take that to mean flirty comments.

Guys, do some research before you rush to judge me on this. I'm saying no more or I'll get a card.

Antares35

I'd be out OP. Sorry

Jequ0n

Edna05 wrote: »

I feel like a fool and a puppet and that i only seen a shadow of this person from the outset and am annoyed at myself for not picking up on my usual gut instinct. As an empath and overthinker it is very draining and i feel like i am at a crossroads not knowing where to go and how to heal

I thought this stood out. You describe yourself as an empath, so I assume you mean that you pick up on others emotions etc. Unfortunately I find that in the majority of cases it means that you actually miss a lot of signs because you are quick to see things from your “empathetic” view.

You are probably used to putting his feelings and well-being over your own and he is used to it. You are expecting the same treatment from him but that will not happen (maybe ask yourself if he has ever shown consideration for your needs).

It actually doesn’t matter if it was a physical or non physical fling, your problem is that he doesn’t have an interest in repairing the damage. Long term this will wear you down because you will continuously question your worth in the relationship.

If you accept this you will just establish yourself further as the stable/ reliable partner who sits at home and accepts being secondary to his needs.

The only thing you can do is to put yourself first and not consider others as much.

hurleronditch

Sardonicat wrote: »

Honestly, and this is just my opinion now, I think you are describing the dynamic between close opposite sex friends. I don't know if that was just the extent of it in the OPs case but if that is all it was I don't know what the problem is. Flirting doesn't mean anything is going on and can often be in jest, especially if there's an age gap.

I’m sorry this is complete nonsense. People the world over have opposite sex close friends, and that doesn’t involve flirting. I have several good friends of the opposite sex, who pre Covid I would have occasionally met up with for coffee or gone to friend group meet ups with out our other halves. If the expectation of normality was that we were openly flirting whilst together that would be wrong on several levels.

Adults, including the OP, are not like 14 year olds, flirtation generally has the goal/expectation of moving towards something romantic and against that backdrop if on a serious and prolonged basis very much constitutes unfaithfulness of a serious nature.

Neyite

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine.

What is not fine though is if that friendship is hidden. If it's hidden then you need to ask yourself why and very often there's a reason that isn't compatible with a healthy relationship.


Anyway, that aside. You can forgive, which you have, but you can never really forget, all you can do is make your peace with something like this if you know your partner is truly remorseful and realises what he /she risked. In this case it kind of feels like he's getting fed up waiting for you to get over this? If so, you don't have to get over this. It's ok if you want to walk away if it doesn't feel the same anymore.