Recently dumped by partner of 10 years

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I know there are so many of these threads floating around however i just wanted somewhere to vent and get everything out there.

My partner of 10 years recently dumped me. We were engaged and due to get married this year only for covid and we were going to start trying to conceive this year as well.

Im big into planning for the future and had a 10 year plan and have always been like this. Im also the type of person who is shy who doesn't go out much, and devoted my entire social life around my ex. During the summer, i was confident in my life, was financially secure and had focus on where our life was going and was content with it. In the space of 1 conversation, my life has been shattered and now im feeling lost. I had to take time off work, had breathing issues for a few days after she told me and am still struggling to try and move past her 3/4 months later.

She is the only girlfriend i have ever had, and the only person i have slept with. She knew me inside and out and i thought we would get through everything together as a team. I have always had trust issues but thought she was a nice girl and above all else this is one area she could never hurt me from but at the end, she told me she has developed feeling for a work colleague. They have similar interests and have gone for a few walks together. He also has a partner and she tells me nothing has happened. I told her for the sake of our relationship, stop talking to him but she said she couldnt and has to tell him of her feelings. She said out of respect for me, she wont try and talk to him until we are broken up but at the same time, shes had feeling for months. My partner is foreign and for the first time in my life, i looked at her texts and saw she is still sending pictures to this guy even when we are arguing over the our entire life. I asked her to leave the home to figure things out as i was deeply gutted inside that someone i 100pc trusted could do this to me. She stayed in an hotel for a few days and then went home for 2 weeks to her home country to figure things out. When she came back she didnt want to be together any longer and said she would stay in the same hotel for a few more days before she moved back home to her home country for good. I took it for face value but i used find my friends and saw she was sleeping somewhere else. I dont think she would have slept with someone so soon after us and have never directly asked where she stayed since then and in her texts she has apologised for her weakness in talking to him(nothing else mentioned) but its turned my ability to trust people and her upside down from what she has done - I just cant believe the person i trust would do something like this!

I know she has sacrificed a good bit to be here in Ireland, both from her career and family but at the same time, i had always viewed her as my family(im and only child and am not too close with my parents) where i would always look out for her and she me and now that is dead in the water. I feel guilty for costing sacrificing some aspects as i thought i would. always be the one looking out for her.

In the past when she moved to ireland, she has wanted to move back home twice, i thought that was because we had a rough start when she came here and she missed her family, but now over time, these were red flags that she wasnt happy with our relationship. There were some aspects where we were different however for me i always thought of them as opposites attract and the aspects where she was different to me, i thought we complimented each other as she was strong social and being bubbly while i was future thinking and financially strong however in the end, she thought of all of these differences as negatives.

For pretty much all of my college years and life experiences after this have all been with my ex. All of my best stories when we travelled the world or whatever else have been with my ex. Now i have had to take these pictures down in the house and feel like the best times in my life can no longer be discussed since its with an ex and hopefully if i ever meet someone else, these cannot be brought up. my self confidence is its lowest in years and i dont know how to talk to people about all my stories especially when i start dating considering i did everything with my ex.

For the past few months, its been like a bad dream for me where im the type of person that views crying as "weak" and have not cried in a decade(and even then, it was the death of a loved one) and am now crying every fews even though we now broke up a few months ago. Since the breakup, my partner sounds and feels different, like a big weight has been lifted off her shoulders. I know i shouldnt be doing this however i regularly look at her facebook and instagram and for me, i feel like im boring and have done nothing while she has been travelling her own country and getting to know all of her old friends. I recently saw she thanks a fella for putting up a picture of her and all i think about is has she done anything with this person - I know it doesnt help with my heeling and 3 days ago i have decided to try and stop doing this but im still finding it extremely tough.

I truly loved her and want her to be happy even though it may not be with me and this might be selfish but its killing me that i wont be part of her life anymore.

I feel like im getting old. I was truly ready to have children and have always wanted a large family as i never had this and i just see my dream disappearing in front of me as now even if i do find someone, it might be an only child if we are lucky to even have children at my age.

On reflection, i have realised i took her for granted and became distanced for a prolonged period of time, not that i didnt like her or anything about her but because i like my independence and need alone time sometimes(maybe too much). At the same time, she was devoted to me too much and felt like she was smothering me - At this point i tried pushing her to be more independent which eventually got to a point in her life where she felt like we were living two seperate lives.

Through research i think im a dismissive avoidant attachment style and emotionally might not be good and communicating but its killing me inside and have never felt the pain and hearthache i have felt over the past few months.

I just have a very low self worth of myself right now and cant imagine someone wanting to be with me and dont know how to shake it. Im an emotional idiot, i cant make women laugh and dont want to be on my own for the rest of my life. At the same time, i dont want to take a gamble either as i never want children to grow up in a broken relationship.

What have i been doing to better myself?
Work is a double edged sword.
In my day job, im struggling to focus and am putting in the bear minimum.
I also invest in property and stocks and have been focused on this which does bring energy to me but at the same time, i know when i start dating again, i cant bring this up because most women are statistically not interested in this and i also would be worried that i would attract the wrong type of women(It took me 3 years before i told my ex of my entire financial situation).

I have gained a good bit of weight over the past 3 years so im exercising every day and trying to eat healthier to gain confidence in body image again - im very motivated in this right now but i think its for the wrong reasons. It should be so that i can love myself again but im doing it so i will be better looking if i go dating again. i have started a new hobby with two of my friends to get me out of the house and its refreshing to do with exercise. One of my friends that im surprised at as got me into doing zoom circuit classes also with his friends so thats also good. I have always played soccer however that is just with a bunch of lads so no way of finding someone through that. Im considering rejoining a sport when i was in college that i met my ex through as a way to interact with more people combined with having a better chance to meet women but i think i might be doing this for the wrong reasons again.

Iv never had too many friends even as a kid and more recently i was quite content with that as i had my ex and thought we will be starting a family soon and i will devote 100pc toward this but now thats gone. Out of my friends now, i see they are getting married, having children and now im the looser on my own. Some of my old friends have moved on and can see even though i am broken up, they havent really tried to help while others have really helped me and im starting to rekindle some friendships. The one aspect im nervous of though is that 3 friends in particular that im very close to even before this are mainly through gaming and i know im a nerd but i have an image in my head where 5 years from now ill still be single and gaming while these guys already have girlfriends so dont need to go out dating again. I meet up with these guys from time to time as well but since im so anti social im nervous of what my romance will be like. I have talked to my best friend about a lot of this but i due to my own trust issues, i still struggle to say everything. Another one of my friends that went through a bad breakup years ago recommend counselling however i personally do not want to do this.

Sorry again for the ramble and apologies if its all over the place, i just wanted to vent and get it off my chest to see if it would help me.

Airyfairy12

Sorry to hear what youre going through.
Just on your ex girlfriend, reading through your post you say she broke your trust, how? She didnt do anything with this co worker and broke up with you before anything happened. She was honest with you through out. Feelings change and people break up, as hurtful and life changing as that may be, she has every right to leave you.
From reading your post it sounds like you relied on her allot, to the extent where you had no other social outlet. I understand it can be difficult to find and make new friends, especially as an adult but maybe this breakup will give you the opportunity to develop your own independence and social life.
Could you start by finding things that interest you? Maybe uptake a few hobbies?

As for talking about shared memories with your ex, theres no reason why you cant? I often share stories about memories that involved exes as do my friends, it doesnt mean anything.
You seem to have an overall general distrust of women , id wonder where this comes from? You said you only had the one relationship, your ex never cheated on you or lied.. yet you think you need to avoid telling future dates about your investments.. are you thinking women will want you only for your money?
If this is the case, you really need to build up experience with women before youre ready for a relationship, id wonder are you basing all your opinions of women on stereotypes?
Id also suggest counselling.

Goodigal

Sorry to hear about your breakup. But it's like you're preparing yourself straight away for the dating scene. You don't need to do that. You need a break. And yes, some counselling too I would say. Talk it out with a neutral. Don't expect to dump all your thoughts on your friends, however helpful they are at the moment.

And it's ok to talk about memories of travel and trips. You were together a long time. I talk to my sons about holidays I took with their dad, even though our marriage is over. They're part of your life. You can't erase them.

What I would suggest is to stop watching your ex's Instagram and Facebook. It will only crush you. So unfollow asap. Find yourself. Be happy with just being you for the next few months. Maybe even a year! But I hope you find happiness in the future.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Sorry to hear what youre going through.
Just on your ex girlfriend, reading through your post you say she broke your trust, how? She didnt do anything with this co worker and broke up with you before anything happened. She was honest with you through out. Feelings change and people break up, as hurtful and life changing as that may be, she has every right to leave you.
From reading your post it sounds like you relied on her allot, to the extent where you had no other social outlet. I understand it can be difficult to find and make new friends, especially as an adult but maybe this breakup will give you the opportunity to develop your own independence and social life.
Could you start by finding things that interest you? Maybe uptake a few hobbies?

As for talking about shared memories with your ex, theres no reason why you cant? I often share stories about memories that involved exes as do my friends, it doesnt mean anything.
You seem to have an overall general distrust of women , id wonder where this comes from? You said you only had the one relationship, your ex never cheated on you or lied.. yet you think you need to avoid telling future dates about your investments.. are you thinking women will want you only for your money?
If this is the case, you really need to build up experience with women before youre ready for a relationship, id wonder are you basing all your opinions of women on stereotypes?
Id also suggest counselling.

i do not have trust issues with just women and am not stereotyping women. I have trust issues in general. People in business have betrayed me in the past along with some situations that have lead me to this - again it is not trust issues in only women however i would care more about women considering i wont be seeking a life long male partner.I have full trust in my closest friends as i have known them since i was young but for any new people entering my life, i can struggle. Money and trust are both separate and linked. I feel like she has betrayed my trust with this guy and from a money point of view, im afraid the next girl i meet could "take me to the cleaner". Yes money is an issue and friends have already told me to be careful given my situation. If i didnt have anything this wouldnt be an issue however i have worked hard to get to my current situation and my ex didnt care about money which was something i greatly appreciated.

She broke my trust as she was flirting with a guy before we broke up. Physically nothing may not have happened but emotionally something did. I have never been jealous during our entire relationship and if anything, she was. I had always reassured her that its a sign of respect for someone where if something is going too far to nip it in the bud and i would never do anything like that as i would never want to be on the receiving end of it yet she has done this to me.I already told you she refused to break off contact with this guy and she told him she felt something with him before we broke up. Likewise if someone breaks up with someone and starts something with someone else less than a week later. You might not view that as cheating but someone doesnt walk into a situation like that by chance. Shes moved home to our own country now so she isnt dating him but at the same time, for the last few days in our country, she didnt sleep where she said she was sleeping and its playing with my mind.

You are right, we both relied on each other a lot however she does have a better social outlet that me when she returned home.She was my everything and i was planning everything around her so i feel like my life is empty at the moment without her.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If this is the case, you really need to build up experience with women before youre ready for a relationship, id wonder are you basing all your opinions of women on stereotypes?
Id also suggest counselling.

What stereotypes am i conveying as well?Im interested as i never thought of myself as looking down on women or whatever im conveying. I never viewed women any differently to men. I was extremely shy around women when i was a kid as i went to all boys schools but once i went to college i realised were all the same.

I must admit right now, i dont have any girl friends.I talk away to my guy friends girlfriends but not really directly to any of them without the involvement of the guy friends. I used to have a few but since my ex questioned anything i did or said to them, i basically stopped talking to all of them as it lead to arguments with my ex. Ironically i was the polar opposite and was happy the more friends my ex had be it male or female and she did this to me.

LegacyUser

Goodigal wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your breakup. But it's like you're preparing yourself straight away for the dating scene. You don't need to do that. You need a break. And yes, some counselling too I would say. Talk it out with a neutral. Don't expect to dump all your thoughts on your friends, however helpful they are at the moment.

And it's ok to talk about memories of travel and trips. You were together a long time. I talk to my sons about holidays I took with their dad, even though our marriage is over. They're part of your life. You can't erase them.

What I would suggest is to stop watching your ex's Instagram and Facebook. It will only crush you. So unfollow asap. Find yourself. Be happy with just being you for the next few months. Maybe even a year! But I hope you find happiness in the future.

Thanks. Yes i do feel like im trying to get fit right now not for me but to prepare me for being confident with women. I have not had a positive body image of myself for a few years so its something i need to fix albeit for the wrong reasons i think.

Im getting mixed reactions off my friends at the moment. Some say to start dating straight away to get her off your head while others are the opposite. Im not into casual dating as i would become too emotionally invested in someone. I take everyones advice on board but i will only start dating again when i feel healed or at least mostly healed as i know my mind is still always thinking of my ex and i dont want to hurt myself or waste someone else's time if my mind isnt there. We have been together for so long it frightens me to think of the dating scene and how long i will be single or if i will just be single for the rest of my life. I thought i had won the lotto when i met my ex and dont know if anyone will ever love me the way she felt felt about me and i of her. I took her for granted and didnt communicate well enough however i adored the attention and love she showed me throughout our relationship. It might be a childish view due to my lack of experience but its what im thinking right now.

It pains me to say this but im getting older now and i have been ready to have a child the past year and i dont know how to put it into words how eager i am to settle down. Friends say to just go with the flow and to forget about this mindset as it will naturally happen however i have always wanted a family and it feels like this dream is being snatched just as we were going to get it.

In terms of stories, yea im not sure what to say. Right now, in my head, if i talk about literally anything I have done, it just brings up my memories of us and how i failed when i talk to friends. When i start dating again, that will be so much more amplified as i dont want to be that person talking about their ex.

I have already deleted their facebook however i am manually searching for them - im doing my best on this as so far, i know its hurting me every time they put something yet i still do it. Its like a bad addiction. Im just finding it hard given we once talked every day and no i havent talked to them for weeks.

I initially tried to call a counsellor through my health insurance however i was put off by the person i dealt with combined with the fact that with covid, i would be doing this through an impersonal phone call vs being with someone. Im a man of few words and feel like the counsellor would be asking questions every few minutes instead of the conversation flowing well.

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

You really need to see a counsellor. As you didn’t have luck via your health insurance & I get the impression you can afford it go on the hunt for a good one. Some counsellors are seeing people in person.

There were things about your relationship that were not ideal, a lot of co dependency on both sides but perhaps more so on yours. I’d hope in future relationships you retain more friendships etc.

You seem to be doing a lot of overthinking. You are just out of a ten year relationship. Take a breath. Appreciate the friendship you have & nurture them. All the panicking you are doing about ending up alone, or in a broken relationship with kids, or meeting a gold digger seems like a lot of wasted energy. I saw a post doing the rounds on social media that says people who were asked to described their 5 year plan in 2015 got it so wrong! It’s a good point, there is nothing wrong with having ambitions but there need to come with an acceptance that life doesn’t always work out according to the plan.

Also the worst case scenario in your head would be ending up single without kids. If you confront that worst case would it really be so bad? You’d be alive with your health & financially secure there are many things you could do.

I hope you try to find a counsellor. It’s a bit like dating but you will find one that’s a fit for you.

Canni

Hi Lost and sad,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I was with my ex husband for 13 years and married for 9 years when he announced that he wanted to end our relationship. Like you I was lost , sad heartbroken and angry to start with not to mention that I suddenly became a single parent.
My advice to you is to forget dating for at least a year you need to give yourself a chance to heal.
Meet up with friends, get out of the house, do things start living again...
I recommend counselling it really helps , I felt like a different person after a few months it will help you process everything...
Getting fit and more active will help your confidence and give you a lift. i myself took up jogging it was something that i always wanted to do but now i make the time .
Four years later, my divorce is final in a couple of weeks, i have a good relationship with my ex, my kids are happy and I'm extremely happy in a new relationship..
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes time to go through it, give yourself a chance..
Find yourself again then a new relationship will find you.. best of luck..

bitofabind

A breakup like this is a trauma, and it messes with the wiring in our brain so that we have a negative bias towards everything. Worried about meeting someone new, missing out on the chance to have kids, all women can't be trusted, everyone is progressing and my life is moving backwards, what will happen to me now, etc etc.

You don't realise this now but your ex did you a favour. She wasn't committed and wasn't able to give you what you need and in the long run this would've meant a hell of a lot of misery and pain for you. This next year or so will be tough, but once you come through it you'll be wiser, more compassionate and more sure about what exactly it is you want and need in a partner. Your fitness will come together, you'll be back out there eventually, you'll meet someone new and this will just have been a painful chapter in your life. One that is temporary and helped you get to a better, happier life in the longrun.

For now, just concentrate on one day at a time. What can you do today to feel a little bit better than you did yesterday? Start with trying to be a bit more compassionate towards yourself. Go for a walk outside, call a close friend, get an early night. Anything that eases things a little for you. Others have suggested therapy and I'd endorse this too - it can be transformational in your relationship with yourself and your attitude to life. Just having someone to talk to can change everything.

You'll be grand and things are not as terrible as they seem, I promise.

LegacyUser

Had a very similar situation to yours OP approximately 3 years ago, we had been together almost 10 years (since our late teens) and she ended it about 2 months away from that milestone.

I’ve had many setbacks in my life (disability, illness) but I can honestly say I never felt lower than the two years after it had happened. Like your situation she had her eyes on a colleague (married colleague no less) and had presumably checked out long before she finished with me. I never got an explanation or reason and that was it really. Her last message to me was to berate me for giving her siblings birthday presents (who I considered almost my own having known them throughout our time).

Since then I haven’t dated or thought much about that aspect of my life as it is definitely still a sore point for me and something I have learned a lot from. The one thing that keeps me at a level is therapy and I couldn’t recommend it enough, it broke the negative thought patterns I was experiencing daily and gave me a completely new perspective on where I am in life.

I really do wish you all the best and hope you come out the other side of this sooner than I did, it’s a new chapter in your life and you will be stronger for this. Take care,

Aisling(",)

Hi OP.I'm in a similar but less extreme boat.My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 4 years because he couldn't commit to a future together.I wasn't expecting it and have been ripped to shreds by it.My chest physically aches.I'm 29 and now I am the only single gal out of all my friends.

It will get better though.If you can reach out and talk to a professional I think you'll hugely benefit.
It's hard to hear but while our feelings are valid try not to wallow in them. Oftentimes the problem lies with the party who ended the relationship not with you.

I'm glad to hear you're not going to rush into dating,not only due to the pandemic.Take the time to get back to feeling yourself.

One aspect I'm finding hard is not having someone to text throughout the day.I've been working at home from March and my ex worked the whole way through so would have a bit of something different to say everyday.I know I'll grow used to not looking at my phone and hoping for a text from him but for now It's one day at a time.

I hope that you start to feel better soon and that you find someone when the time is right.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

thanks for all the comments. I have decided to make the plunge and go to a counsellor next week as i need to try something and the worst that can happen is that i spend money and time.

Its weird, I have been feeling fine the past 2/3 weeks bar constantly thinking about her but last night i had a rush of emotions and needed to vent as i couldnt sleep until 3/4am. Im currently exhausted and am just day dreaming in work today.

Yes i feel all alone again as like some of you, no matter how my day is going, i always had her to talk to to discuss how it is going and i dont feel like complaining to my friends all the time as i do it enough since this started.

I was doing some research on being dependant etc and i think my ex was more dependant on me during our relationship however now its the reverse where i feel empty without her. I was always content with my social setting as i have always been a lone wolf and i had her as well but now i just feel like im a looser for it.

She was always very gentle and even when she broke up with me, she did it amicably with no arguing. It was more of a situation where she knew what she wanted and she let me down directly and gently. I still cant get the minute out of my head when she told me for the first time she doesnt love me any more.

Some people might be happy to be single and have no children however i was brought up in a broken family and this is one of my top goals in life. Each to their own however for me, i will feel like a failure without it.One mans rubbish is another mans gold.

Iv never communicated in such a way to my ex but i did tell her she was strong to break up with me. I didnt mean it in a egotastical way but i know she can be indecisive, and maybe from a relationship point of view, she is done but she has uprooted from her comfortable life with me to move home which also has its own drawbacks. I might have been selfish trying to keep her with me but i just cant bear the thought of not being with her as she was my rock the past decade.

Goodigal

Glad to hear you're going to talk with a counsellor. I needed to do the same after my ex husband's revelations. And yes it was a work colleague who caught his eye too. Similar thread here!

But you are still young. This has been a huge blow to your long term plans. But you're just going to be on a different path now. That's how I see it for me. But the physical pain of reliving that moment she told you will ease. And you'll slowly start to sleep better again. It's going to take time. Mind yourself. There's a different future for you now. Look forward to it.

Purple Mountain

Good on you for reaching out to a counsellor, I think that's very wise.
I think you are in no fit mind space for a relationship currently.
Don't panic, you seem to think there's a ticking clock.
Take this time to grieve and get your own routine going and hopefully the counselling will be helpful too.
Make this time about you, be selfish. Accept all offers of meet ups with friends, phone calls etc. Cook nice healthy meals. Take baths and long walks.
Good luck!

Iseedeadpixels

Hi OP,

Take time out for yourself, dont jump straight into online dating until you are well over her, nothing wrong with gaming at any age, I still do it at 36 and Im more than happy to be single. You do need to stop looking at her pages, cut her off asap and you'll soon move on.

Best of luck dude.

Thelonious Monk

Lost and sad wrote: »

Some people might be happy to be single and have no children however i was brought up in a broken family and this is one of my top goals in life. Each to their own however for me, i will feel like a failure without it.One mans rubbish is another mans gold.

You need to watch this one, and maybe your counsellor will help you with this. Lots of people don't meet a life partner or have kids, are you really willing to be miserable for the rest of your life if this doesn't happen?

LegacyUser

I really dont know whats come over me today. I cried myself to sleep after work as i was so tired. The moment i woke up, i felt the intense pain again that i wanted to forget. I was like this at the beginning when we broke up and nothing has happened since then but i have just had a resurgence of all the pain.

I was happy with my ex, my ex was a co dependent i think, and i took pride in helping her as best i could. I wasnt good enough for her though as she was sad with me and there as times she told me she went to sleep unhappy. Am i a narcissist?, all of the stuff i have been reading say a co dependent is usually with a narcissist. Am i a bad person, did i manipulate her before so she would stay with me. She was always a little anxious and looked for confirmation of if we were a good couple. She had low self esteem and always did my best to prop it up, I still really want her to be happy even if it will now make me sad. I had the perfect girl that would have done anything for me and im the lazy emotionally unavailable weirdo that messed up my one shot at happiness.

I like the intimacy that being with someone brings. the touch, the smell, love making, the ability for me to know how they are feeling even when they dont know it yet. The ability for them to self sacrifice and comfort me when i have a bad day or vice versa. I want a relationship for all of these. I cant speak of why i want a child, maybe its paternal, maybe its societal, i dont know since i dont have one yet but i would like a mini version of me running around.

I had contemplated reaching out to her today but i know it wont be good for me and more importantly, i know she is also dealing with this and has our own unique struggles and i dont want to make this worse for her. It would be a selfish act for me to reach out for my own gain so decided against it. The one thing i would say is that i could never understand peoples heart ache up until now. I always was the guy to think as a "man up" type of situation but now when i am mixed in with it, i can relate so much better. Before a loved one passed away many years ago, i could never relate to death, now when i watch movies, even to this day, i still get a little emotional during certain scenes that remind of this. I wonder if i will be an emotional mess when i watch romantic movies now.

Aisling(",)

Lost and sad wrote: »

I really dont know whats come over me today. I cried myself to sleep after work as i was so tired. The moment i woke up, i felt the intense pain again that i wanted to forget. I was like this at the beginning when we broke up and nothing has happened since then but i have just had a resurgence of all the pain.

I was happy with my ex, my ex was a co dependent i think, and i took pride in helping her as best i could. I wasnt good enough for her though as she was sad with me and there as times she told me she went to sleep unhappy. Am i a narcissist?, all of the stuff i have been reading say a co dependent is usually with a narcissist. Am i a bad person, did i manipulate her before so she would stay with me. She was always a little anxious and looked for confirmation of if we were a good couple. She had low self esteem and always did my best to prop it up, I still really want her to be happy even if it will now make me sad. I had the perfect girl that would have done anything for me and im the lazy emotionally unavailable weirdo that messed up my one shot at happiness.

I like the intimacy that being with someone brings. the touch, the smell, love making, the ability for me to know how they are feeling even when they dont know it yet. The ability for them to self sacrifice and comfort me when i have a bad day or vice versa. I want a relationship for all of these. I cant speak of why i want a child, maybe its paternal, maybe its societal, i dont know since i dont have one yet but i would like a mini version of me running around.

I had contemplated reaching out to her today but i know it wont be good for me and more importantly, i know she is also dealing with this and has our own unique struggles and i dont want to make this worse for her. It would be a selfish act for me to reach out for my own gain so decided against it. The one thing i would say is that i could never understand peoples heart ache up until now. I always was the guy to think as a "man up" type of situation but now when i am mixed in with it, i can relate so much better. Before a loved one passed away many years ago, i could never relate to death, now when i watch movies, even to this day, i still get a little emotional during certain scenes that remind of this. I wonder if i will be an emotional mess when i watch romantic movies now.

I wish I knew what to tell you OP.I think this is something that can only heal with time and the pandemic is probably making you face your feelings and feel them more deeply due to the absence of distraction.

It is so easy to go to far reaching pits of woe.Missing everything about your ex and putting them on a pedestal won't help. Think of the bits you won't miss,no one is perfect she has to have some annoying traits.

I'd avoid all obvious romance films if you can.It will hit harder,your pain is fresh and real and you'll relate a lot more.

I know your counselling appointment isn't till next week but try keep the head up.It feels like walking through a fog but just keep going.I've found myself putting podcasts on when I'm lying in bed to distract me ,it's not a huge help but its better than nothing.

Jequ0n

You keep talking a lot about her (co) dependency on you but you seem to missing your own dependencies entirely.
She has moved on but you can’t bear the thought of not being needed any more.

Yes a dependent partner is very handy because they make you feel safe as they can’t possibly leave you. But is this really what you want your partner to be like?

Airyfairy12

Lost and sad wrote: »

i do not have trust issues with just women and am not stereotyping women. I have trust issues in general. People in business have betrayed me in the past along with some situations that have lead me to this - again it is not trust issues in only women however i would care more about women considering i wont be seeking a life long male partner.I have full trust in my closest friends as i have known them since i was young but for any new people entering my life, i can struggle. Money and trust are both separate and linked. I feel like she has betrayed my trust with this guy and from a money point of view, im afraid the next girl i meet could "take me to the cleaner". Yes money is an issue and friends have already told me to be careful given my situation. If i didnt have anything this wouldnt be an issue however i have worked hard to get to my current situation and my ex didnt care about money which was something i greatly appreciated.

She broke my trust as she was flirting with a guy before we broke up. Physically nothing may not have happened but emotionally something did. I have never been jealous during our entire relationship and if anything, she was. I had always reassured her that its a sign of respect for someone where if something is going too far to nip it in the bud and i would never do anything like that as i would never want to be on the receiving end of it yet she has done this to me.I already told you she refused to break off contact with this guy and she told him she felt something with him before we broke up. Likewise if someone breaks up with someone and starts something with someone else less than a week later. You might not view that as cheating but someone doesnt walk into a situation like that by chance. Shes moved home to our own country now so she isnt dating him but at the same time, for the last few days in our country, she didnt sleep where she said she was sleeping and its playing with my mind.

You are right, we both relied on each other a lot however she does have a better social outlet that me when she returned home.She was my everything and i was planning everything around her so i feel like my life is empty at the moment without her.

If you have trust issues with all people that is something you should consider working on. You cant build and create healthy relationships when you have such an unhealthy view of other people.
Everyone has experienced being lied to, being taken advantage of or manipulated in someway or another. We have all had our trust broken, id take a guess that most people have experienced similar throughout their lives with multiple people.
You havnt even started dating yet and your expecting your next partner to 'take you to the cleaners'.. Surely you would be well into a relationship ie living together or married before someone would even have a sniff of an opportunity to take wads of your money away from you.
Surely by that stage of a relationship you could spot red flags. Its an unlikely situation to happen and sounds like youre accepting a hypothetical situation as fact.
You cannot get into a relationship with that mindset and dating isnt something you should be considering until you have let go of the anger and and distrust. You yourself are giving off red flags with that kind of talk. CBT would really helpful I think. I bought a book called CBT for Dummies and found it amazingly helpful.

I agree that if in a loving relationship where both partners want to be together and one partner meets someone else and things are going to far, it should be nipped in the bud but in this situation, it sounds like she didnt want to make it work, she wanted to leave the relationship. Her meeting someone else wouldnt have changed that fact.
Ive been cheated on in a relationship and if my ex had broke up with me before he slept with other people and was as honest as your partner was with you, it would have hurt allot less and I would have respected him for it. It sounds to me that your ex was already questioning the relationship,met someone by chance, developed some feelings and told you about it before she cheated. Its hurtful but it's just one of those things in life that we cant control.

Lost and sad wrote: »

What stereotypes am i conveying as well?Im interested as i never thought of myself as looking down on women or whatever im conveying. I never viewed women any differently to men. I was extremely shy around women when i was a kid as i went to all boys schools but once i went to college i realised were all the same.

I must admit right now, i dont have any girl friends.I talk away to my guy friends girlfriends but not really directly to any of them without the involvement of the guy friends. I used to have a few but since my ex questioned anything i did or said to them, i basically stopped talking to all of them as it lead to arguments with my ex. Ironically i was the polar opposite and was happy the more friends my ex had be it male or female and she did this to me.

Clearly your ex had trust issues to and ironic as she had male friends herself, sounds like there was a lack of boundaries, youre in your right to be friends with who you wish, as is she. Maybe in your next relationship this is something to watch out for? Controlling behaviour is never ok.

Overall, from my perspective of reading your post, it sounds like the relationship had reached a stalemate and became toxic. It happens, best thing to do is try and move on as best you can. You may take a few years to really get over her but once you start to feel better about the situation, you might be thankful that it ended.

Id suggest taking this time to learn about yourself, grow and mature a bit, do things you enjoy. Life goes on.

antgal23

@ OP

Fair play for the post - a lot of honest reflection going on there.

I think your ex knew a break up was happening and so the relationship with work colleague should be viewed in this context. Her colleague or ex colleague didn't cause the break up hence why she is back home.

You shouldn't beat yourself up over looking at social media posts from her - it's very natural. However, I would try to wean myself off it over time.

I would view this life event as a chance to personally develop. You are smart enough to identify areas of your personality or pass times that need tweaked - why don't you find activities that'll help you achieve this?

You are a financial trader - I traded in a previous life. Trading is the ability to accept repeated losses and still trust the system to give you a win. You need to apply this mindset to life. There are loads of self help books that help one prspective on life. ( Maxwell Maltz)

This lockdown carry on makes it difficult to socialize, go to gym and restaurants etc but you gotta use your time wisely.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If you have trust issues with all people that is something you should consider working on. You cant build and create healthy relationships when you have such an unhealthy view of other people.
Everyone has experienced being lied to, being taken advantage of or manipulated in someway or another. We have all had our trust broken, id take a guess that most people have experienced similar throughout their lives with multiple people.
You havnt even started dating yet and your expecting your next partner to 'take you to the cleaners'.. Surely you would be well into a relationship ie living together or married before someone would even have a sniff of an opportunity to take wads of your money away from you.
Surely by that stage of a relationship you could spot red flags. Its an unlikely situation to happen and sounds like youre accepting a hypothetical situation as fact.
You cannot get into a relationship with that mindset and dating isnt something you should be considering until you have let go of the anger and and distrust. You yourself are giving off red flags with that kind of talk. CBT would really helpful I think. I bought a book called CBT for Dummies and found it amazingly helpful.

I agree that if in a loving relationship where both partners want to be together and one partner meets someone else and things are going to far, it should be nipped in the bud but in this situation, it sounds like she didnt want to make it work, she wanted to leave the relationship. Her meeting someone else wouldnt have changed that fact.
Ive been cheated on in a relationship and if my ex had broke up with me before he slept with other people and was as honest as your partner was with you, it would have hurt allot less and I would have respected him for it. It sounds to me that your ex was already questioning the relationship,met someone by chance, developed some feelings and told you about it before she cheated. Its hurtful but it's just one of those things in life that we cant control.



Clearly your ex had trust issues to and ironic as she had male friends herself, sounds like there was a lack of boundaries, youre in your right to be friends with who you wish, as is she. Maybe in your next relationship this is something to watch out for? Controlling behaviour is never ok.

Overall, from my perspective of reading your post, it sounds like the relationship had reached a stalemate and became toxic. It happens, best thing to do is try and move on as best you can. You may take a few years to really get over her but once you start to feel better about the situation, you might be thankful that it ended.

Id suggest taking this time to learn about yourself, grow and mature a bit, do things you enjoy. Life goes on.

Trust - I think what you are saying is unfair. My trust issues are primarily around money and how i can be taken advantage of. I am able to open up to people and have been talking to my close friends recently of my thoughts and how i am struggling. If i didnt have money, this wouldnt even be an issue however if you marry someone, they can take half of your net worth and if that stems into millions, i need to be mindful and careful of this - that is all i am saying in regards to this. I have to admit, i always had trust in my partner as i never thought she would flirt or cheat on me. You may not view it this way but the fact she was emotionally flirting with someone has hurt me a lot, i will need to discuss this with the counsellor as i do not want this to fester into another relationship if i ever date again as right now i would be paranoid about my other half talking to men when this was never an issue for me before, emotional baggage if you will.


Boundaries - Yes i think we had issues with this and i need to understand this more when i talk to the counsellor.

CBT - i will see what this is.



Emotionally Attached vs love - I have been googling this term over the past few days. Its making me more upset but im wondering were we emotionally attached and not in love at all. Do i have the ability to love someone if im emotionally unavailable. I loved to be around her, I loved the intimacy we had, I pushed her to be more independent which ultimately lead to us living separate lives.. Did she ever love me at all or was it just our codependency and emotionally being attached. I just feel like a failure and im emotionally retarded where no one will ever love me.