How often should there be contact in the early days?

LegacyUser

Hi I’ve been seeing a lovely guy since the end of August. We are exclusive and went for a night away together before lockdown which went really well. Everything between us feels easy and natural and we get on great and I’m really enjoying seeing him. We meet up once a week and some weeks have met up twice, depending on our work schedules.
I know he does like me as he has mentioned stuff for us to do in the future. He remembers little things I tell him and there is nothing about him that I’m unsure of or am second guessing. I have been extremely hurt in past relationships and I think part of me is still wary and scared of getting hurt.. He always asks and plans our next date on the current one and I am happy with seeing each other once or twice a week at the moment.
There is one small thing that is bothering me slightly and maybe I’m making an issue out of nothing and I don’t want to come across as extremely needy. I’m willing to be told I’m being unreasonable here also. I sort of feel that we should be in contact a bit more regularly even just 3/4 texts. For example some weeks we could text maybe 5/6 days a week as happened last week and this week contact has been a bit quiet. Last week we both said how we were really looking forward to seeing each other and there was a few texts most days. We met up Saturday and had a lovely time. I texted him afterwards and we were texting for the evening. I haven’t heard from him since and I know he will probably text later.

I guess I just feel that in lots of ways our relationship is progressing along so nicely. We’ve made tentative plans for December when lockdown is hopefully finished. Last week I thought we had turned a corner in terms of contact and I feel us getting closer on our dates. Then I’m sort of confused that I haven’t heard from him since Saturday when in other areas we seem to be becoming closer and feelings are growing. We haven’t had the boyfriend/girlfriend chat yet as I am genuinely happy to know we are just seeing each other and I presume we will end up going down that road in the next few weeks. Maybe I’m making an issue out of nothing and I’m conscious that I might be a bit insecure but if our relationship is to progress I probably need to be in contact a bit more consistently. I’m not going to the one constantly initiating contact and when I do he does text back immediately and is always happy to hear from me. Do I bring this up with him or leave well enough alone? I just feel a bit conflicted that last week he said he missed me and was dying to see me at the weekend and this week I’ve gone 4 days without hearing anything. I sort of feel my guard up at the moment and this is the first time since seeing him I’ve had any sort of concern big or small.

SnrInfant

Hi Op,
Personally when I first meet someone and the attraction is very strong, I would want to be with them all the time and text them all the time.
I would hope they would feel the same and in past relationships, it has always been like this.
I'm with my husband 20 years now and I know times have changed a lot!!
I've had four serious boyfriends and it was always like this at the beginning. TBH if it wasn't, I didn't give it much time.
I just feel the early days of being mad about each other should always be there or mayybe one of you isn't feeling it? I'm totally open to contradiction though.

LegacyUser

I agree that four days is a long time but as other posters on here will probably say, he might also be sitting at home wondering why he hasn’t heard from you in four days and wondering if you’re into him.

I also started seeing someone before lockdown - the first one back in March - and while we managed to keep contact going and are still seeing each other, it was really hard some days. I genuinely had nothing to say at times and he was the same because neither of us were doing anything outside of eat, work, sleep. There was a risk that messaging would become repetitive and mundane, exactly what you don’t want to happen in the early stages of a relationship. Neither do you want to be yapping in about problems at work when you’re still putting your best selves forward. So I would advise initiating a conversation yourself this evening if you like but acknowledge that dating is hard at the moment and ripe for misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication.

araic88

That does seem a bit of a gap, it's one thing if ye couldn't meet up because of Covid etc. but it's nice to keep in contact.
That said, I've misread things early on in relationships. My other half & I now text quite a lot during the day, but he much prefers giving a quick call if he can, depending on what we're doing/at work etc. At the beginning that took a bit of getting used to for me, I nearly jump whenever my phone rings ha.

Could it be that he's nearly used to you initiating contact, and is assuming you're busy with work or something. Or perhaps he's busy himself, or trying not to seem too keen ?! (Do lads think about these things they way we do? :-) )
If everything else seems promising, it's probably worth mentioning it. If he's really keen, he'll be pleased to know you are. You're not asking too much to keep in contact every couple of days, and if he's put off by that, he'd probably only waste your time long term.

ILoveYourVibes

No more than once a week. Ideally once every two weeks.

Generally texting simply when there is a reason to text. And of course texting enough to remain polite.

You should answer every text of theirs within the hour.

Generally though texting only to arrange to meet and check its still on etc. So ideally just the day before you meet.

For me they are not in your life yet. You are checking them out.

If i were to text him really more than the day before we meet to check we are still on etc. I would think something is off.

Texting isn't a good way to communicate anyway.

I think its why people think that others blow hot and cold. You can be like 'oh yeah great to hear you ...xx' but in reality that person was interrupting you etc.


OP you seem to be using texting as a form of emotional intimacy. Its not.

Its for arranging logistics ...and you thinking texting a lot is meaningful might have given you the wrong impression of where the relationship is.

It not the amount of times you meet that tells you how 'together ' you are etc.

And in fact putting any faith in that is often what makes people realize later that they wasted their time and were fooled.

I don't think its foolish at all or needy. I do think sometimes we dont have our priorities straight in relationships though. I mean a three line text 5 times a week is often substituted for something more real.

But then I am slightly odd as a woman and not into the romantic thingy ...

Maybe if you need more contact ..you have to find someone who needs that too?

LegacyUser

Absolutely no harm at all in bringing it up and just saying you'd like to hear from him a bit more often.

If he sees that as needy or reacts badly then I would consider that to be a red flag personally.

1hnr79jr65

For me, texting is a bland, emotionless and cold way of communicating. Most texts are short speak and emoji's that do not convey proper emotion or feeling, also some people may lack comprehension of the true meaning of what you are trying to communicate. This can come from how simplified texting communication has become, almost a childlike engagement of an adult understanding.

For these reasons I do not like texting, never have, my wife on the other hand loves texting and often there is a gap in communication when we do use it. People like me prefer face to face speech, I find it helps with understanding certain points and constant texting frustrates me. Another thing is the constant typing on a screen with small letters, autocorrect trying to suggest a word that is not close to what you want to say, generally the ergonomics of using smart phones.

It may be the case that this chap you are seeing does not like texting and prefers face to face communication or hates using phone for communication as outlined above, this does not mean he may not miss you as much.

EDIT: Also I see in many threads, even this one, phrase like "that is a red flag". Op I would suggest paying less attention to these type of statements being made and focus on discovering for yourself if there is anything actually wrong with the relationship. Other peoples negative experiences do not mean you are having a negative experience, it could be just communication style as I pointed out above. Just as important in a work setting to adjust your communication style to suit your audience, it is the same with relationships, work together on finding that style that suits you both.

LegacyUser

OP here. As expected he got in contact yesterday evening and we are meeting up later. I know he is interested in me as he has made that clear from both his words and actions and I’ve never had to question his level of interest once. I just think we are on two separate wavelengths in terms of communication as last week we were in contact a good bit and it was initiated fairly evenly by both of us.
I have an appointment coming up in the next few weeks and he has even offered to take a day off work to bring me so I’m not doubting that he really likes me. I just feel if I really like someone I want to see how their day was even for just 10/15 phone call at the end of the day. I’m not looking for constant texting from morning till night. I might give it another week or two and see if things improve naturally and I might bring it up with him then. Maybe I’m finding fault where there is none but no contact from Saturday to yesterday felt a bit crap. I don’t want to put my guard up and be looking for signs he is going to hurt me but I can’t continue hearing from someone every four days who I really like and who I know likes me.
It just feels a bit like mixed signals.

TheadoreT

How do you think he gauges your interest levels? If you say *he always* plans your next dates before the end of previous ones are you leaving things up to him too much? You place the onus completely on him for no communication since Saturday which is bizarre. Sounds like hes carrying out far more of the initiating and you're still unhappy with the frequency.

You sound a bit princessy and I'd grow weary of this behaviour pretty fast and think most people with self respect would too.

Xterminator

Hi OP

the 1st thing i would say is there is no 'normal' . there is what you are comfortable with, and clearly you would like more contact.

the last poster has made a valid point that he does seem to do a lot of the initiation, and planning. Anecdotally you appear to be sitting there passively waiting for contact and judging this man by your own standards.

My advice would be to be more proactive, if you feel there is radio silence, initiate contact, and when face to face let him know you would like more frequent contact during the week. IE be proactive and communicate your wishes to him.

He does seem genuine and committed, and yet you seem unhappy with him.

bitofabind

It doesn't really matter what anyone here thinks OP, we are all different and there is no normal. Some couples text and call all day every day, others are purely functional with communication when they're not together, and often it'll be about compromise between two different viewpoints.
What matters most here is identifying what your needs and expectations are in a relationship and communicating that. What are they? Would you like a daily call just so you can feel connected? A good morning or good night text?

I'd be someone that needs regular communication with a partner. I'd usually text and have a call most days. Four days of silence just wouldn't work for me. That'd be someone that's not integrating into my life in the way that I need in a relationship, it's not consistent enough for me to feel secure. Those are perfectly valid and reasonable needs. But you also need to remember that this guy is not a mind-reader. His expectations might be different and he probably assumes you're ok with the status quo.

What's stopping you from saying, "I've really been enjoying our time together, but would like to be honest about something. I find it kind of confusing when I don't hear from you for days at a time between dates. How do you feel about that? Are you not really a texter or a phone call kinda guy? How would you feel about being more connected like that during the week?"

TheadoreT

bitofabind wrote: »

I'd be someone that needs regular communication with a partner. I'd usually text and have a call most days. Four days of silence just wouldn't work for me. That'd be someone that's not integrating into my life in the way that I need in a relationship, it's not consistent enough for me to feel secure. Those are perfectly valid and reasonable needs.

You shouldnt just accept your insecurities, you should get help for those instead of making a partner pander to poor behaviours. It's a subtle form of control to want constant texting/calls when often its contrived and theres little to talk about. If you cant go a day without your head spinning on where they are/what they're doing that isnt ok and to fool yourself into thinking it is an acceptable need rather than a you problem is delusional.

And besides it isnt like this guy in question is ignoring OP for days, she didnt text him either for that period. That confounds the irrationality of her behaviour if she wants all this communication but also needs him to do most of the initiating.

Don't fool yourselves into saying the right guy will understand, only a mug would accept this behaviour and youd end up not respecting that anyway.

bitofabind

LOL ok Theodore T. What qualifies as "something to talk about" then with a romantic partner? Does one need to have a significant life update or is shooting the breeze, sharing work stresses, how's your day unacceptable? Let me go and send the memo to all the needy insecure couples I know that talk to each other every day.

Point is this woman isn't feeling comfortable and it's something that's potentially easily fixed if she communicates effectively about it, which is much better advice than telling her she's a princess and should ignore her own feelings.

Sonic the Shaghog

God it's tough. Id usually like a couple texts every day too but to be fair he's meeting you when he says he does and planning to meet you with eagerness etc so I'd just roll with it

As they say it's not what they say but the actions

TheadoreT

bitofabind wrote: »

LOL ok Theodore T. What qualifies as "something to talk about" then with a romantic partner? Does one need to have a significant life update or is shooting the breeze, sharing work stresses, how's your day unacceptable? Let me go and send the memo to all the needy insecure couples I know that talk to each other every day.
.

This isnt what I'm saying at all, in the best relationships this all comes naturally and generally do end up talking every day anyway. That's all very different to saying to feel secure you *need* daily contact. The fragility of the trust levels within that is very problematic and will manifest itself in other areas of the relationship too.

ILoveYourVibes

TheadoreT wrote: »

This isnt what I'm saying at all, in the best relationships this all comes naturally and generally do end up talking every day anyway. That's all very different to saying to feel secure you *need* daily contact. The fragility of the trust levels within that is very problematic and will manifest itself in other areas of the relationship too.

But the ideal relationship isn't talking everyday for everyone.

If it does for you...cool...but not everyone has that ideal.

Calypso Realm

bitofabind wrote: »

But you also need to remember that this guy is not a mind-reader. His expectations might be different and he probably assumes you're ok with the status quo.

What's stopping you from saying, "I've really been enjoying our time together, but would like to be honest about something. I find it kind of confusing when I don't hear from you for days at a time between dates. How do you feel about that? Are you not really a texter or a phone call kinda guy? How would you feel about being more connected like that during the week?"

My thoughts exactly. I've little doubt this guy does assume you're OK with the level of communication (some would be) in the absence of any comments from you. From what you've said otherwise all sounds good so I'd certainly mention something!

Another way to approach this is to say something like how lovely it was to hear from him on X day etc. Say it often enough and he's sure to get the message!

ElizaBennett

He sounds great and really attentive and there are no real issues here. You chose to wait four days with no contact, though it made you unhappy, and even though you've acknowledged that he always texts you back quite quickly when you message him first. So why not just do that? You haven't heard from him all day? Drop him a text with a funny thing you heard or that happened to you or a question or just checking in. Does he respond nicely? Great - problem solved. You're back in contact.

myself and my longterm partner text each other a lot when we're apart during the day. But if I'm really busy then I'll go hours and hours without saying anything to him, though I'd never leave a question unanswered. Depends on the given day. If I'm bored or waiting somewhere i'll be texting him to pass the time. The important thing is that we respond to each other and don't deliberately ignore each other. So you know what you want. Try to get what you want by initiating contact and not playing games. He'll probably respond how you want. If he doesn't then you can decide to discuss it with him.

TheadoreT

ElizaBennett wrote: »

He sounds great and really attentive and there are no real issues here. You chose to wait four days with no contact, though it made you unhappy, and even though you've acknowledged that he always texts you back quite quickly when you message him first. So why not just do that? You haven't heard from him all day? Drop him a text with a funny thing you heard or that happened to you or a question or just checking in. Does he respond nicely? Great - problem solved. You're back in contact.

myself and my longterm partner text each other a lot when we're apart during the day. But if I'm really busy then I'll go hours and hours without saying anything to him, though I'd never leave a question unanswered. Depends on the given day. If I'm bored or waiting somewhere i'll be texting him to pass the time. The important thing is that we respond to each other and don't deliberately ignore each other. So you know what you want. Try to get what you want by initiating contact and not playing games. He'll probably respond how you want. If he doesn't then you can decide to discuss it with him.

A rare sensible and healthy reply.

The fact she was considering having a "talk" with him over his communication frequency before actually just texting him herself boggles the mind.

There's a lot to be said for just being normal and not overthinking every small thing.

JimToken

I would just text as needed in the early days

Make arrangements , anything else leave it til meet-up

joeguevara

When you do meet on dates, what do you do?

Danick

JimToken wrote: »

I would just text as needed in the early days

Make arrangements , anything else leave it til meet-up

Really good advice - let the relationship breathe - don’t want to lose funny stories or incidents in texts that result in the two of you sitting there having bland conversations because all the exciting parts of the week were lost in text messages.

lawred2

TheadoreT wrote: »

You shouldnt just accept your insecurities, you should get help for those instead of making a partner pander to poor behaviours. It's a subtle form of control to want constant texting/calls when often its contrived and theres little to talk about. If you cant go a day without your head spinning on where they are/what they're doing that isnt ok and to fool yourself into thinking it is an acceptable need rather than a you problem is delusional.

And besides it isnt like this guy in question is ignoring OP for days, she didnt text him either for that period. That confounds the irrationality of her behaviour if she wants all this communication but also needs him to do most of the initiating.

Don't fool yourselves into saying the right guy will understand, only a mug would accept this behaviour and youd end up not respecting that anyway.

A very uncharitable response to a cherry picked out of context extract..

I'd maybe get someone to have a look at your need to pick a fight

lawred2

Before I met my now mrs I engaged in all this nonsense where I wouldn't text or call despite wanting to because I wanted the other party to think I was busy and they weren't forefront in my thoughts..

Which they were obviously..

I cringe when I think back on it because surely one thing likely to make a relationship progress into something that works is the feeling that the other person is genuinely thinking about you and wanting to be there in your company..

As it was with my now wife. We kinda got thrown together in such a way, that me messing it all up by pretending I was busy and not always available simply wasn't possible..

OP, how often do you initiate communication?

Why are you waiting 4 days?

Maybe he/she thinks you're not that arsed about them!?

Cali1978

I totally understand where the OP is coming from. When you’ve started seeing someone and it’s going well you want to feel like you are starting to invest in each others lives. Not in a deep way but in a check in sort of way. I can see why the OP might be upset when she doesn’t know what he’s been up to for the last 4 days. You start feeling disconnected and like things aren’t progressing.

JasonStatham

Try once or twice to initiate contact. No harm doing that. Don't do it regularly and if he's dropping the ball, let him go.

Big Bag of Chips

If everything is going good, why change? What I mean is, he seems to like you. Meets up every week. Organises the next date. Makes plans. Keeps plans. But because he doesn't text first you're questioning if the relationship is going anywhere?

Why not accept that he's the one who makes the practical plans, and you're the one who starts the text conversation? That appears to be the roles you have fallen in to.

Why not do what feels natural for you? Text him if you want to text him. Don't if you don't. But don't use frequency of texting as some measure of him.

This excuse of "I was badly hurt in the past" is just that, an excuse. He seems to be putting it out there that he likes you. He likes meeting up with you. He's happy to arrange dates with you/for you. He's not the one who hurt you. So to judge him on someone else's past is unfair. Every relationship runs the risk of not working out, or hurting us. You accept that as part of life, or you decide never to risk it and stay single.

Do you ever call each other for a chat? Talk to him when you next see him. But expect him to be a bit confused that you are upset at not being in contact for a few days, but didnt contact him in that time.

"I wanted you to text first" sounds a bit teenagery when you say it out loud.

(Edit: I just notice the thread is a few weeks old, bumped by other posts today. The advice still stands though)

YellowLead

I think you should talk to him about it. I met somebody online and he was texting me constantly and we had long phone calls and he was the one being really full on and then suddenly the volume of texts dropped (we still met up for real life dates) dramatically and also there were no more x or hug emojis or anything, and when I texted him I got one word answers. So I asked him if he had lost interest and it turns out he did but was giving me the old slow fade trick which some men view as kinder. So don’t drive yourself crazy wondering - ask him.