Feeling like a fool

Ella281

Hi guys.
Posted here before.
Dated someone. Went cold on me for a few days with no reason or explanation. When confronted/asked about behaviour claimed repeatedly he didn’t want or would never want a relationship. Whilst like mature adults I thought we had resolved the issue to keep things casual (because I also did not know what I wanted), he ghosted.
Now I found out he is going out with someone (Significantly younger than both of us)
How do I get over this?
I’m more hurt than anything else tbh. I don’t want him back or anything like that but there was a period I was beating myself up, feeling guilty that I had put pressure on someone who told me they had anxiety and other issues when it turns out he was ....fine the whole time while I was hard on myself.
I am usually in tune and copped on when judging characters but I feel some what manipulated and feel I let myself and guard down.
Some advice would be great. Thanks

Segotias

In my experience anyone who says they don't want a relationship, means the don't want a relationship with the person they are saying it to.

By agreeing to keep it casual you were basically allowing him to have his fun while keeping his eye open for what he did want a relationship with. I'd say he assumed you were doing the same.

I've had it done to me, though I never agreed to be casual, I got the don't want a relationship line for him to subsequently get into a relationship a few weeks later with someone the polar opposite of me, it stung and impacted my self esteem hugely at the time. My solution was to step back from dating etc until I am happier with myself, that someone won't have such a big impact on me so soon.

Focus on yourself and doing what you enjoy and the people who's company you enjoy and give it time is about all the advise I can give. You're definitely not the first or the last to be given that line I'm afraid.

Ella281

Segotias wrote: »

In my experience anyone who says they don't want a relationship, means the don't want a relationship with the person they are saying it to.

By agreeing to keep it casual you were basically allowing him to have his fun while keeping his eye open for what he did want a relationship with. I'd say he assumed you were doing the same.

I've had it done to me, though I never agreed to be casual, I got the don't want a relationship line for him to subsequently get into a relationship a few weeks later with someone the polar opposite of me, it stung and impacted my self esteem hugely at the time. My solution was to step back from dating etc until I am happier with myself, that someone won't have such a big impact on me so soon.

Focus on yourself and doing what you enjoy and the people who's company you enjoy and give it time is about all the advise I can give. You're definitely not the first or the last to be given that line I'm afraid.

You see, when he threw the “don’t want a relationship” line in my face, I knew it was an excuse. We never spoke about being exclusive and I was not sure about him and was happier to go with the flow.
I knew at the time it was an excuse to stop things because it did not make sense.
Not to get into too much detail on here but his social media was full of young girls 7-10 yrs younger than our age group. I knew what he was and I still entertained him because all men seemed to be oogling young ones online and felt like it was something I should just ignore.
It’s not about that entirely but it does hurt.
I have stepped back from dating. But I am alone and finding out this news makes me feel like the loser in it all and embarrassed.

Segotias

I think you can see yourself in retrospect the flags that were there and that you ignored. This might be contributing to the embarrassment.

You're far from a loser, think of it as a bullet dodged. If someone is constantly online look for there, its rare reality matches it so they'll be sorely disappointed.

For yourself its better to be left on the shelf than put in the wrong press for the sake of having someone there.

bitofabind

Why would you want to date someone who can't communicate like an adult and is obsessed with women ten years younger? When we ignore red flags, we basically abandon ourselves and that's where the bad feelings come from. You're not standing up for your own needs when you let shoddy behaviour slide like that.

Not all men "ogle young ones online". When you're holding onto beliefs like that it's another way of abandoning yourself because it sets the bar so low for what you expect in a partner. You're allowed to expect a guy to communicate clearly and make space for you in his life, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. That's why boundaries are important and walking away when someone isn't living up to those expectations. Can you think of why you didn't walk away this time and let it progress to the point that it has?

Ella281

bitofabind wrote: »

Why would you want to date someone who can't communicate like an adult and is obsessed with women ten years younger? When we ignore red flags, we basically abandon ourselves and that's where the bad feelings come from. You're not standing up for your own needs when you let shoddy behaviour slide like that.

Not all men "ogle young ones online". When you're holding onto beliefs like that it's another way of abandoning yourself because it sets the bar so low for what you expect in a partner. You're allowed to expect a guy to communicate clearly and make space for you in his life, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. That's why boundaries are important and walking away when someone isn't living up to those expectations. Can you think of why you didn't walk away this time and let it progress to the point that it has?

From my experience online and the apps, most men are perving and ogling young ones years younger than them. I feel like I’m up against it all the time and the pressure is immense.
I had been on a lot of dates that didn’t get off the ground and I just wanted something to work.
There were plenty of opportunities to call a halt to it. He was a disaster to date, so rude amongst many other things that happened. I don’t know why I let it run on. I dismissed and ignored things he said as if he didn’t say or do it. I wanted a relationship.
Now I just feel like a runner up or second best. I know I sound childish but I try so hard and get nothing back from people. It’s so frustrating and I often feel not all these men can be wrong and whats wrong with me.

rapul

Be strong!

Neyite

Ella281 wrote: »

I had been on a lot of dates that didn’t get off the ground and I just wanted something to work.
There were plenty of opportunities to call a halt to it. He was a disaster to date, so rude amongst many other things that happened. I don’t know why I let it run on. I dismissed and ignored things he said as if he didn’t say or do it. I wanted a relationship.
Now I just feel like a runner up or second best. I know I sound childish but I try so hard and get nothing back from people. It’s so frustrating and I often feel not all these men can be wrong and whats wrong with me.

You might have been a runner up for him, but it sounds like he wasn't your soul-mate either and both of you were essentially using each other to avoid being alone until you both found someone potentially better suited to you - he just found someone first.

You wanted a relationship, but from what you've just said, even if he did give you that relationship, it would have been a crap one. It might be worth having a think about why you'd accept so little and why you perceive it to have some sort of value. You say that all men ogle younger women so it's something you should put up with, or that having someone rude or a disaster is the best you can get - honestly, no. Decent men don't.

People will treat you how you let them.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Segotias

I think your need or want for a relationship is a huge factor here. From what you've said there's nothing redeeming about this man, yet you were willing to try get into some kind of relationship where you'd no doubt have been treated extremely badly.

Is the need that bad that you're willing to allow yourself be treated like this?

Being the runner up in this situation sounds like a blessing to me.

As much as we'd all like to meet someone and have a relationship its not as easy as some people will make out. But if you are so desperate to meet someone to have a relationship you are leaving yourself wide open to be continuously used and treated like crap.

My friends often tell me I give off a vibe and thats why I'm not approached by blokes, this is possibly the case, for me its self preservation. Its also possible to give off a desperation vibe and I don't mean any offence by that but if you're overly eager and accepting of bad behaviour, thats how you'll continue to be treated.

Its not that there's anything wrong with you, they are just the wrong men for you

bitofabind

Ella281 wrote: »

From my experience online and the apps, most men are perving and ogling young ones years younger than them. I feel like I’m up against it all the time and the pressure is immense.
I had been on a lot of dates that didn’t get off the ground and I just wanted something to work.
There were plenty of opportunities to call a halt to it. He was a disaster to date, so rude amongst many other things that happened. I don’t know why I let it run on. I dismissed and ignored things he said as if he didn’t say or do it. I wanted a relationship.
Now I just feel like a runner up or second best. I know I sound childish but I try so hard and get nothing back from people. It’s so frustrating and I often feel not all these men can be wrong and whats wrong with me.

The pressure isn't immense. If you meeting a man was a life-or-death situation and there was a gun to your head, then you'd have an argument. But you literally do not need a man to survive. You're not going to be shot, condemned, ostracised, ex-communicated. This is 2020. None of these things are true.

There's nothing wrong with you except for the fact that you think there's something wrong with you. You think you're inadequate, not good / pretty / young / whatever enough for a decent man, have missed the boat and have to take what you can get and ignore your own needs. That's leading you down this path of being walked on by chancers and gobshytes who couldn't give a damn about you and see you as an easy target. You are an easy target, if a man can be a rude mess of a human and still be a prospect for you.

There's no fast-track towards changing all of this but it's vital that you do, because you're getting in your own way massively here. When you describe all men as being pervs, ogling young wans etc I literally do a because I've been around the block, been on the apps too and that's just not true at all. Most of us are simple beings looking for the same things, with a similar percentage of eejits on either side of the fence. The unhealthy part of you is drawn towards unhealthy men. That's the part that thinks "the pressure is immense" and "there's something wrong with me". When you stop tolerating that, you stop seeing the eejits too.

Airyfairy12

You cant control other people or expect them to be what you want. You cant control what he finds attractive, who he wants relationships with. Trying to force something that is not there backfires and youre the one whose left feeling sad and frustrated.
The only person you can control is yourself, moving forward could you try to learn from this?
Some suggestions - dont casually sleep with someone that you want a relationship with after they make it clear a relationship is not what they want. Youre setting yourself up for hardship.
Secondly, its normal for men and women to be attracted to a certain type but if youre interested in someone and theyre predominantly interested in a certain type and that type is not a category you fall into + they tell you they dont want a relationship with you.. maybe thats the type of red flag situation you should avoid in the future.

Focus on yourself the right person will come along.

ILoveYourVibes

Ella281 wrote: »

Hi guys.
When confronted/asked about behaviour claimed repeatedly he didn’t want or would never want a relationship.

Maybe this younger person ...will be naive enough to put up with it.

Maybe not maybe i am judging harshly.

But i mean if he was doing things you didn't like ...just be glad he didn't choose you.

Maybe this younger girl can actually deal with him.

You will meet a lot of people ...you will think you can't deal with them or dont want to ..and they meet someone who can deal with them perfectly ..and you will be like ..yean i could NOT have put up with that.

I mean if you hung around them you might see that the new girl is able to deal with him in a way you wouldnt want to ...or couldn't.

He probably was attracted to her ..because she can get him in a way you don't want to ..or can't.

I think you get over things when you see the situation a little more wisely.

Windmill100000

You just have to accept he doesn't want to be with you. It happens. Have you ever had someone interested in you that you were not interested in? I have. My advice is let him go.

If you want something casual, find someone that at least respects you and doesnt blow hot and cold.

Locker10a

Sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Op, it’s really really crap for this to happen, but it could be worse. But you’ve been hurt, acknowledge that, feel it, realise it, and it will eventually pass

Katgurl

Op I'm going to give you some tough love so if you're too fragile, scroll by (but maybe come back when you're feeling stronger).

He treated you like this because YOU let him. You saying you were undecided is code for "I would have been open to exploring a relationship but when he made it clear it wasn't an option I decided to settle for the scraps he threw my way". In short you lied to yourself.

Never ever let somebody else dictate your standards. Set them for yourself and let guys either meet them or jog on.

The next time somebody (you might potentially like) says they're not looking for a relationship smile and say "that's fine. I am open to a relationship with the right guy, obviously it would be too soon to say if we are compatible. I was open to getting to know you a bit better but that's fine if you want to call it a day." Under no circumstances agree to be their fallback while they stay on the market.

I am intrigued by your response to seeing his social media full of younger girls. I would find that unattractive and immature. You seem to have seen it as a negative reflection of yourself.

The bottom line - if you send out a message that you don't place a high value on yourself then people will follow your lead.

Ella281

Katgurl wrote: »

Op I'm going to give you some tough love so if you're too fragile, scroll by (but maybe come back when you're feeling stronger).

He treated you like this because YOU let him. You saying you were undecided is code for "I would have been open to exploring a relationship but when he made it clear it wasn't an option I decided to settle for the scraps he threw my way". In short you lied to yourself.

Never ever let somebody else dictate your standards. Set them for yourself and let guys either meet them or jog on.

The next time somebody (you might potentially like) says they're not looking for a relationship smile and say "that's fine. I am open to a relationship with the right guy, obviously it would be too soon to say if we are compatible. I was open to getting to know you a bit better but that's fine if you want to call it a day." Under no circumstances agree to be their fallback while they stay on the market.

I am intrigued by your response to seeing his social media full of younger girls. I would find that unattractive and immature. You seem to have seen it as a negative reflection of yourself.

The bottom line - if you send out a message that you don't place a high value on yourself then people will follow your lead.

You are right.
I left him off with snarky comments here, rudeness there, put me on the spot, put me in awkward positions, insulted me. I bottled up my resentment or discontent and held my tongue in hope of having someone to date and maybe a relationship only for him to turn around and say no actually.
It is a hard lesson. I had so many opportunities to walk away, pull him up on things he did and the way he treated me but I didn’t want to be “overreacting” or “paranoid” and “they can’t all be the same” but my gut was right as it always is but I ignored it.

He was a nut. Not being bitter, but he was and I left him away with a lot. I’m embarrassed that I did. I let myself down and didn’t protect myself.

I actually thought this young women/ perving on social media was something women had to put up with with online dating. It’s so common?

Cali1978

I think you’re being hard on yourself! But I’ve done the same so I want you to know you’re not the only one. I don’t know if it’s the same for you but it’s like I don’t know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour from men in relationships. It’s like I’m learning as I go along as I haven’t had many relationships, learning to trust my gut. It’s very hard to know though if you’re over reacting or if his behaviour is actually kinda “normal”. Am I being too prissy? I try to think about my male friends and family members and think “would X say that to his partner?” Or would Y treat his wife like that..

bitofabind

Ella281 wrote: »

I actually thought this young women/ perving on social media was something women had to put up with with online dating. It’s so common?

It's not common. You're just tolerating it. When you don't draw a line at sh1tty behaviour, it'll suddenly crop up everywhere and seem "normal".

I'd roll my eyes and block / give a wide berth if I saw some lad doing this online. It'd be like someone being misogynistic or openly racist. No dialogue, just block and on with my life. This is the level of intolerance you need to have for crappy behaviour. When you feel like you're not OK on your own and need a man, any man, it's a bit harder to have healthy boundaries like this. But it also means you end up in situations you're in now over and over again ad nauseum until any shred of self-esteem you ever had has completely evaporated.

Is that what you want?

Airyfairy12

bitofabind wrote: »

It's not common. You're just tolerating it. When you don't draw a line at sh1tty behaviour, it'll suddenly crop up everywhere and seem "normal".

I'd roll my eyes and block / give a wide berth if I saw some lad doing this online. It'd be like someone being misogynistic or openly racist. No dialogue, just block and on with my life. This is the level of intolerance you need to have for crappy behaviour. When you feel like you're not OK on your own and need a man, any man, it's a bit harder to have healthy boundaries like this. But it also means you end up in situations you're in now over and over again ad nauseum until any shred of self-esteem you ever had has completely evaporated.

Is that what you want?

This so much OP.
I was messaging a man from Tinder for a few months, when we spoke we got on great and thought we could develop into something more. I took a peek at his facebook and saw in his 'recently added' friends list about 15 or 20 women in their late teens and early 20's that he'd recently added, now what reason would a 35 year old builder have for adding so many young women? Some of them looked like teenagers.

I stopped communicating with him as it just turned me off him straight away. It's one thing to be attracted to other people and have a type. its another thing to be a bit of a creep and so open about it too but I also felt self conscious then because I dont fit into that category of women in their early 20's. I dont need to be around someone that I know wont find me attractive in 10 years when im 40 and will always be looking at or chasing after 20 something year olds, something I can never live up to. I want someone who is not so shallow and not only finds me attractive but sees me for more than how my body looks and cares about my feelings. I knew straight away I would never get any of that from the man I was messaging, he would forever want younger women because of how they look.

Theres nothing worse than being in a relationship where you feel lonely, its worse than being single and alone because your self esteem is being destroyed in the process.
You will never find happiness with this man.

Ella281

Put it this way, I’m still young so these girls really were actually just that.
Girls!

Ella281

Cali1978 wrote: »

I think you’re being hard on yourself! But I’ve done the same so I want you to know you’re not the only one. I don’t know if it’s the same for you but it’s like I don’t know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour from men in relationships. It’s like I’m learning as I go along as I haven’t had many relationships, learning to trust my gut. It’s very hard to know though if you’re over reacting or if his behaviour is actually kinda “normal”. Am I being too prissy? I try to think about my male friends and family members and think “would X say that to his partner?” Or would Y treat his wife like that..

Well unfortunately I am bogged down with feelings of embarrassment, guilt (towards myself) and generally feeling sorry for myself because I really let myself down.
You don’t treat people the way he treated me. I left myself down and should of told him where to go after the first date.

LegacyUser

Could you please elaborate on him looking at other girls? As in were they instagram models? Normal girls and him commenting on there pics? I kinda need to know the context of it.

Anyway besides him, ok so you have got some amazing advice here from everyone and I have been in your shoes believe me and what I learned is never ever be so desperate for a relationship with a man that you sell yourself short. When you ignore things you're not happy with you're setting yourself up for a fall. I know now that you probably feel foolish but you can learn from this.

I'm sure you are an amazing girl with so much to offer and any guy who can't see that is not worth your time. You have to know your worth. When you meet the right guy you will see there will be no messing no confusion. He will be on your side. So as hard as it is keep the faith he is out there. Take care

rainbowtrout

Ella281 wrote: »

Well unfortunately I am bogged down with feelings of embarrassment, guilt (towards myself) and generally feeling sorry for myself because I really let myself down.
You don’t treat people the way he treated me. I left myself down and should of told him where to go after the first date.

If that is the lesson you take from all this, it's a valuable one. Next time you meet a guy if he does say something snarky or rude to you, pull him up on it. It gives him the chance to redeem himself if what he said came out arseways (we all have our moments), or to apologize, and if he doesn't well you know you don't have to put up with it and you can move on rather than wasting your time.

emerald opal

Ella281 wrote: »

From my experience online and the apps, most men are perving and ogling young ones years younger than them. I feel like I’m up against it all the time and the pressure is immense.
I had been on a lot of dates that didn’t get off the ground and I just wanted something to work.
There were plenty of opportunities to call a halt to it. He was a disaster to date, so rude amongst many other things that happened. I don’t know why I let it run on. I dismissed and ignored things he said as if he didn’t say or do it. I wanted a relationship.
Now I just feel like a runner up or second best. I know I sound childish but I try so hard and get nothing back from people. It’s so frustrating and I often feel not all these men can be wrong and whats wrong with me.

“I don’t know why I let it run on”. I think finding your why will reveal yourself to you and any unhealthy patterns you might be unaware of in pursuing relationships with unclear communication and loose boundaries. This could be a blessing in disguise as the pivotal moment when you decided you get to know you and your values and wants and needs and what you ultimately seek in a partner. You will get to the stage that whoever you date will appreciate you for you because you value you first and foremost. You are unique. Good Luck.

Tork

You're looking at these men through a completely different prism to how you should be viewing them. If you look around your own family, friends and colleagues, you will quickly compile a long list of nice men who would never behave like the ones you've encountered. They exist, though finding the one who is nice, who you fancy and who fancies you back is a trickier undertaking. Your eagerness to find a boyfriend is making you lower this bar and talk yourself into continuing to see these men. I've often heard people describe their partner as their best friend and that's what you should be aiming for here. Men aren't an exotic species but are just as human as you and your girl friends are. You wouldn't want your friends to make you feel uncomfortable, make you bite your tongue or do things you are bothered by. So why is it OK for a potential boyfriend?

Ella281

Woman2020 wrote: »

Could you please elaborate on him looking at other girls? As in were they instagram models? Normal girls and him commenting on there pics? I kinda need to know the context of it.

Anyway besides him, ok so you have got some amazing advice here from everyone and I have been in your shoes believe me and what I learned is never ever be so desperate for a relationship with a man that you sell yourself short. When you ignore things you're not happy with you're setting yourself up for a fall. I know now that you probably feel foolish but you can learn from this.

I'm sure you are an amazing girl with so much to offer and any guy who can't see that is not worth your time. You have to know your worth. When you meet the right guy you will see there will be no messing no confusion. He will be on your side. So as hard as it is keep the faith he is out there. Take care

Girls. As in, just out of secondary school or not long after, posing on the floor looking in the mirror with their arse and boobs out and messy nights out. Naive 19year olds and up.
As an adult, at our age, I think “looking for attention and immature. Needs guidance” and men like him think “sexy AF”
He had loads on his list. As do other men.
But I knew this before I went out with him. I knew and I still went out with him. You wouldn’t mind, but he was no George clooney himself, fella at thirty acting like a numpty and creeper.
He was a master manipulator and a liar (for other reasons I can’t get into)....
But as other posters say, I knew and let it happen.
So a lot of this residual hurt and embarrassment is from leaving my senses and putting myself in that situation with someone I would never of looked twice with if we were in a bar or introduced in person.

But I must of gone through 100s of profiles and matches and I can tell you, this perving is common amongst men my age and bit older...

Airyfairy12

Ella281 wrote: »

Girls. As in, just out of secondary school or not long after, posing on the floor looking in the mirror with their arse and boobs out and messy nights out. Naive 19year olds and up.
As an adult, at our age, I think “looking for attention and immature. Needs guidance” and men like him think “sexy AF”
He had loads on his list. As do other men.
But I knew this before I went out with him. I knew and I still went out with him. You wouldn’t mind, but he was no George clooney himself, fella at thirty acting like a numpty and creeper.
He was a master manipulator and a liar (for other reasons I can’t get into)....
But as other posters say, I knew and let it happen.
So a lot of this residual hurt and embarrassment is from leaving my senses and putting myself in that situation with someone I would never of looked twice with if we were in a bar or introduced in person.

But I must of gone through 100s of profiles and matches and I can tell you, this perving is common amongst men my age and bit older...

Dont be so hard on yourself, you liked him, felt a connection which is so hard to find so you gave him the benefit of the doubt, I think we're all guilty of doing this.
Take it as a lesson learned and next time be a little bit more firm with your standards.
Its his loss, what are his chances of actually getting with any of those girls he's creeping after? Like most women I remember being that age and having men in their 30's+ messaging on social media, asking for my number, sending friend requests, I was an immature, naive, hot mess but even then those men came across as sad little weirdos to be avoided at all costs. This is how he looks to those girls.
He should feel embarrassed, not you.
Move on from it, he's not worth it.