Dealing with an Ex

Eyrelass

I'm with my partner 4 years and have a good relationship with his 13 year old son also. I used to get on with his ex also until about 2.5 years ago.
For the first year and a bit his son would always come and spend the weekend with us in my house. Although he lives about 2 hours away my partner would collect him and bring him home and the beginning and end of the weekend. Things changed a little when his ex broke up with her boyfriend. My partner started to spend time in her house to see his son with overnights included. At first I understood and didn't have an issue. I thought it was testament to him that he had an.amicable relationship with her still. But there would suddenly be more excuses for him to stay up. Like moving furniture or fixing stuff for her in the house. She began to get a bit needy now she was on her own.
Something eventually didn't feel quite right. Not my smartest move but I've gone through her messages on several occasions. Everytime I found text messages and pictures all of which were suggestive and unacceptable. She even sent naked pictures and loads of pics when she's going out for the night. Things like that. I'm sure you get the picture. Every time I've confronted him and his excuse is he wants to keep the peace and keep her onside so he can see his son. He doesn't react to her texts but he doesn't tell her it's not acceptable either.
To cut a long story short he still stays up there a lot and I've told him I am not happy with it considering her behaviour. Lately I feel like he's finding more and more reasons to be up there. He works away so we have limited time when he is home. Last time he was home for less that 2 weeks and he spent 6 days at hers over 3 two day weekend stints.
She's just moved into a new house and she has him laying floors and doing all sorts. One time he even suggested he'd spend a few weeks there to convert the attic. Firstly it's a council house and he's not a builder.
As well as this she's saying that the son is struggling with his father not being there. There have been a part since he was 1.5 so it's not like he was ever there. But I do think he dies need to spend time with his kid. That's important but why in her house. Where there isn't a spare bed and his sons room where he claims to sleep with his son is a single. Surely 2 nights sharing a single with a 13 year old is very uncomfortable.
I get he needs to spend time with his son but why is it increasingly in his exs. I don't know can I trust her give her carry on in the last few years. Now it's getting to be every weekend he's home. He's going to be spending Xmas there again this year and it's his 40th which he also will be going up to stay 2 days for. I just don't know should walk away or trust that he's stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy

Antares35

Sounds awful OP and you come across as very reasonable to be honest. I'd have walked away already.

Shelli2

Don't just walk....RUN. How have you put up with this for so long?

That is completely unacceptable behaviour from your partner, he is essentially in a relationship with his ex, even if you can believe there is not sexual contact (which I highly doubt) it's an emotional relationship and therefore cheating on you.

I have a 13 yr old son and there's no way my ex would be coming to stay here to see him and share a single with him, it's not feasible given the age of the child.

I could go on, but it's clear as day, when he's not working he's spending more time with them than you.....you are not his partner, she is and your his mistress.

salamiii

I think it's not just floors he's laying

Smile111

Utter bull**** from his mouth.
LEAVE and don't put up with any of his crap anymore.

Loveinapril

I agree with the other posters in that there definitely seems to be more to this. Their relationship seems to be far too close for people who are coparenting a teenager. She is relying on him far too much and he is encouraging it. There is no valid reason for him to stay there for his birthday instead of having his son spend it with both of you. I would query his motives and his commitment to you.

ManOfMystery

He is disrespecting your relationship totally, and why he can't see this himself is beyond me - unless he's been up to something with his ex other than what he claims to be doing.

In a situation like this there should be clear boundaries. He (and her by extension) appear to have very few, or none.

I get that he wants to keep her 'on side', but he's gone way beyond that.

zoobizoo

Eyrelass wrote: »

One time he even suggested he'd spend a few weeks there to convert the attic. Firstly it's a council house and he's not a builder.

A few weeks.... with an ex... who sends nudes.....


You need to be making this guy an ex so you don't have to deal with this nonsense anymore.

tara73

Eyrelass wrote: »

As well as this she's saying that the son is struggling with his father not being there. There have been a part since he was 1.5 so it's not like he was ever there. But I do think he dies need to spend time with his kid. That's important but why in her house. Where there isn't a spare bed and his sons room where he claims to sleep with his son is a single. Surely 2 nights sharing a single with a 13 year old is very uncomfortable.

I wasn't quite sure whether it's really just all about keeping in contact with his son until I came to this paragraph.

He's taking you for a fool OP, and as pointed out, he's basically together with his ex and wants it that way, and you are his bit by his side, his mistress at this stage.

Don't let yourself be treated like this, it will eat up your confidence. Get rid of him asap and never take him back as I assume he will knock on your door again if he has a major fall out with his ex after living again together.



That poor son in this..

cannotlogin

A demanding, scheming, flirty, inappropriate, manipulation ex is only a problem (as opposed to a general annoyance) where a partner doesn't set down clear boundaries in terms of what is acceptable and has fully respect for their current partner.

He is completely disrespecting you in this instance and you deserve better.

Eyrelass

Eyrelass wrote: »

Now it's getting to be every weekend he's home. He's going to be spending Xmas there again this year and it's his 40th which he also will be going up to stay 2 days for. I just don't know should walk away or trust that he's stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy

Sorry for what's happening to you, but I 100% mean this for real: the "ex" is his actual girlfriend, and you're just someone on the side. They both must be laughing at you for putting up with what you have. Walk now, and never let anybody disrespect you like this again in future.

Be strong and good luck.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Salamii, in PI/RI posters are asked to give mature constructive advice to an OP when replying to a thread. Please bear this in mind and read the Charter before posting here again.

Thanks

HS

Purple Mountain

Shelli2 wrote: »

Don't just walk....RUN. How have you put up with this for so long?

That is completely unacceptable behaviour from your partner, he is essentially in a relationship with his ex, even if you can believe there is not sexual contact (which I highly doubt) it's an emotional relationship and therefore cheating on you.

I have a 13 yr old son and there's no way my ex would be coming to stay here to see him and share a single with him, it's not feasible given the age of the child.

I could go on, but it's clear as day, when he's not working he's spending more time with them than you.....you are not his partner, she is and your his mistress.

I too have a son who's dad I'm not with anymore. For my respect, his respect and his new partner's respect there's no way I'd expect or allow him sleep in my home.
He's very welcome here to collect or visit and I'm equally as welcome to drop/collect and have a quick cup of tea in his home but OMG where are your OH's boundaries?
It's fantastic he wants to be a huge part of his boy's life but that must be seriously confusing to the boy (this is me even giving him the benefit of the doubt there's nothing going on with the mum). If a couple are separated as long as your OH and partner have supposedly been, they live separately. He's living part time with them!
And spending every Christmas with them and his birthdays?
He should be able to blend his two priorities. Why can't he have his 40th in his home with you and invite the son too? His 'ex' doesn't need to be part of his birthday celebrations. Why does he have to spend all of Christmas at their house? Can't the son come for a few days to your house?
Like I said, I haven't even addressed her inappropriate behaviour or the serious question about the sleeping arrangements.
Can I also point out if you are sure he's at work all the time you think he's 'working away'?
This might be harsh but you mentioned it's 'your house'. Is he pulling his weight in your house, contributing to bills etc? Or is he living rent free with you and then going to his ex's council house where he's not burdened with rent too? Just an observation.
What I've pointed out, would be enough for me to walk away.
There's no respect shown to you by either of them.

DonnaDarko09

This would be far too much for me to accept and I would have ran by this stage. What exactly are you getting from this relationship? It very much sounds like your partner has checked out.
From personal experience, when I discovered inappropriate messages between my partner and his ex (mother of kids), I was heartbroken. Like you, we were friends and I had let her into my home (even stayed over for Xmas in my house, while I was away). With regards the messages, they both told me it was only the one time...both had been lonely, sad, bla bla.
I left my partner. However I did go back as there were our own kids involved at that stage. But our relationship has never really recovered from the broken trust. If you have no children, I suggest leaving now before things become more complicated.
Your situation sounds a lot worse than what I went through and I don’t know why or how you continue to put up with it. Even if he isn’t doing anything inappropriate with his ex, he clearly lacks respect for you by not putting proper boundaries in place. Yes, his boy should be a priority, but so should you.

IAMAMORON

He is most likely at it Op. I am so sorry.

The best thing to do now is find a suitable exit strategy. As things appear he doesn't seem to reckon you are up to him yet? Correct me if I am wrong?

Don't waste anymore time on him. The fact that he is treating you like a carpet has possibly not dawned on you yet, but you know it is true. Regrettably you are currently in the denial stage of realising that your relationship is over. Don't second guess yourself, it is obvious what is going on. You need to kick him out and kick him out soon.

In the denial stage it is common for victims to make allowances for their unfaithful partners. You need to own this and realise that his behaviour is not acceptable. In case you have not copped onto this yet, let me spell this out.

Your partner is currently carrying out 2 relationships simultaneously. He is maintaining his former family life and also creating an extra-marital/relationship with you. He is having his cake and eating it like the pig he is. Don't let him away with this.

I respect that this might be a bitter pill for you to swallow. But the only way out of this grief you are in is to dump him. Please please please do not make the mistake of believing that you can eliminate any feelings he has for his ex, he can't. So your options are sharing him with his ex.. or ... getting on with your own life.

ILoveYourVibes

They both sound cheap and vulgar people.

Do you want to be a part of their trashy world?

Cuz erm ..not being funny but i wouldn't.

I mean what women sends pics like that?

ew

Also he is sleeping with her. I hope you realize that.

Wouldn't you prefer a nice classy guy? With like no trashy exes?

Big Bag of Chips

They are carrying on a relationship in plain sight. If she sends him nudes and texts general photos from her night out she is behaving as if he's her partner. And he's behaving as if he's her partner.

3 weekends in a row he left you at home alone while he went to play happy families? I'd say his son doesn't even realise he's still in a relationship with you. (Edit: maybe his "ex" doesn't even realise he's still in a relationship with you.)


I'd be giving him an ultimatum. This will continue for as long as you tolerate it. Why wouldn't it?