How do I know if I want out of a relationship?

LegacyUser

I’m early 20s and this is my first long term relationship. We’ve had some amazing times. I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone outside of my family. I don’t know what I want now.

I’ve suffered from really terrible, nearly 24/7 worrying and anxiety for about 5 months. Got my first panic attacks. I keep convincing myself of worst case scenarios. A lot of it stems from my relationship, or my relationship problems stem from the anxiety. It’s hard to know, thankfully I’m starting therapy soon.

I feel full of doubt. On one hand, I care too much and can’t imagine never talking to him again. On the other, his mental health issues and baggage have made me act so unlike myself. Sometimes he very much has it under control, but maybe 30% of the time it really isn’t. He cam dump all his stuff on me and I feel like a free therapist. This has gone on and off for about a year and a half.

I feel like I’m just a disaster of a person and I honestly don’t recognize myself these last few months. I keep worrying my BF is secretly a bad person. He has done stuff in the past that went against my morals- like reading lots of incest porn as a teen (he only has brothers so maybe that helps?), trying to text this girl during Leaving Cert while she was taken who once had a huge crush on him probably for a debs date and sex? He also took a creep pic of this girl in his years butt in leggings back in 6th year for nefarious purposes.

I felt like I couldn’t trust my judgment anymore. I kept trying to tell myself these things don’t make him a bad guy. I turned to online advice forums like Reddit. I asked so many questions, day in, day out for weeks, looking for advice, hoping these weren’t red flags or advice on getting him to start therapy. Most depressingly of all, asking if it sounded like he still loved me cos at times I doubted it, given how much emotional baggage he dumped on me, even if he acted lovely otherwise. I asked so much advice over and over I even got banned on Reddit! I kept making new accounts and they were getting banned within hours. I was like an addict, looking for reassurance he still loved me/was a good dude. It seemed like seeing strangers say that was the only thing that reassured me and calmed me down?

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I sound like a walking red flag. And either I need to fix this relationship (because I just feel so exhausted from my manic anxiety or his issues that I feel very little for him for the last 2 months) or leave him alone and let him find a nice normal woman because I’m a ****show now. I also worry no one else could ever love me again, even if I were alone for a few years and got myself back together, because who on earth could love someone who acted this crazy?

Should I let my boyfriend go or work on myself while staying with him?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

AnonymousGirl8, you have started quite a number of threads on this issue recently in PI/RI. Of course posters are welcome to post if they have an issue they require advice on. But if it comes to a point where a poster is using the forum as a crutch rather than taking steps to address or resolve their issue then the forum stops being of benefit to them.

I think what you were doing in Reddit is being mirrored here and as you say that is adding to your anxiety and not helping you.

For that reason, I am going to close this thread here and suggest you talk to your GP. They are the person best skilled to help you at the moment. I am also asking that you do not start any more threads in PI/RI for a while as they are not helping you address your issues and in fact are making you feel worse.

Please reach out to your GP who can offer you the help you need.

All the best

HS