Breaking up with boyfriend of 5 yrs

dartboardio

OK so I'll be brutally honest

Hes my first ever boyfriend and we fell so deep in love. I worshipped the ground he walked on. We were best friends.

Sex was fairly rare over the last 2 yrs. Mainly due to me not initiating it but now I realise maybe we're just not sexually compatible

I've been denying the fact that I want to probably break up with him the last 2 yrs on and off I'd think about it every so often and cry and deny it to myself telling myself I was crazy.. 'how can I do that, he's so nice he's so caring I might never find someone as nice again'


The reality of it is I think I've fallen out of love with him which depresses me.

We have sex maybe 5 or 6 times a year. I'm 22.

Some things he says just annoys me and I don't really agree with the person he is.

He likes to show off, show he's doing well, and I'm reserved and like to be humble and modest

Lots of other things despite the fact we get along most of the time

We don't communicate very well at all and we never sit down to say how the other is feeling etc we're just not very open.

We've had issues in the past. The first year of our relationship I cheated on him. I genuinely regretted it and we got back together he forgave me.

Things were grand then onwards. Grand. Not perfect

We have great laughs and have loads of great memories but it's felt a bit forced from my side tbh and pushing away the thoughts of 'I wanna break up with him but I'm too scared' the last Yr or two on and off


On the rare occasion we fight its horrible. He's called me fat etc and ugly lots of times knowing that's my insecurity.

I guess I've felt like I owe him something and that's the reason I never ended it...



I dont miss him when I'm away from him. For example at Xmas he goes to his families house and I don't miss him even though I should...

He went to his family home for a week and I was excited to see him go

Not sure how to break it to him

And it doesn't help that Everytime I mention maybe moving on with my life he starts to say stuff like it's OK let's work through it couples don't just throw away 5 years..

So it makes me blinded and say 'yeah maybe I'm being stupid we should have another try'

I realise I'm 22 and love will come and go but this is my first time... I need help please...

I feel free when I'm on my own and have lately (unfortunately) started talking to males online. Enjoying the attention and freedom and acknowledging I'm a 22 year old beautiful intelligent person and I do not have to answer to anyone nor do I have to put my life on hold for anyone at this age.

I'm trying to own the fact that I'm 22 and if I want to remove people that don't bring happiness to my life, then I should...

Dont get me wrong he's fantastic. So caring and lovely and sweet. But I always knew I'd be the one to end it....


Thank you

Antares35

>Mod snip<

What are you asking?

dartboardio

Antares35 wrote: »

What are you asking?

How to build up the courage to break up with a long term boyfriend. When clearly it's what has to be done but I'm scared and somewhat in denial. The relationship has gone down the toilet.

We are like room mates.

And to ensure I remember the reasons I'm breaking up with him rather than giving in when he says 'it's OK let's work through it'...

Antares35

dartboardio wrote: »

How to build up the courage to break up with a long term boyfriend. When clearly it's what has to be done but I'm scared and somewhat in denial. The relationship has gone down the toilet.

We are like room mates.

And to ensure I remember the reasons I'm breaking up with him rather than giving in when he says 'it's OK let's work through it'...

You will probably find that he already has an idea. It does sound like things haven't been great, and perhaps he has his head buried in the sand a little? I know, it's awful. I still feel bad for breaking up with one of my exes (we are still friends). Like that I probably let it go on too long because I wanted to spare feelings but I suppose in the end, it's the lesser hurt to end it rather than prolong things.

dartboardio

Antares35 wrote: »

You will probably find that he already has an idea. It does sound like things haven't been great, and perhaps he has his head buried in the sand a little? I know, it's awful. I still feel bad for breaking up with one of my exes (we are still friends). Like that I probably let it go on too long because I wanted to spare feelings but I suppose in the end, it's the lesser hurt to end it rather than prolong things.

Yeah I know he knows things aren't great. We don't communicate openly. Every few months we might say 'jeez we haven't had sex in ages ha..'

Yeah definitely I've been putting it off to spare feelings. Feeling bad or sad about either the past or the future...

A girl I know recently broke up with her long term bf and told me to live in the present.. I need to do right myself and even tho it may be selfish.. I need to look after myself I can't feel compromised because of another person that I don't feel that much for anymore...

I think he will be shocked either way as he thinks I'll keep staying around forever. Which I think of myself too but I think it's time to let go..

Thanks for your advice.

cj maxx

Print your OP out and read it and reread it. Then when you’re ready just lay it out to him .
If you’re living together have a long term place for you to live . Have your important things collected and packed and ready to move immediately, and tell your family ahead of it.
And stick to your guns and rehearse saying NO!
NO we can’t try again. NO it’s not a phase. No , your mind is made up .
You’re like buddies, not boy friend and girl friend.
Any he probably knows this.
Good luck

Antares35

dartboardio wrote: »

Yeah I know he knows things aren't great. We don't communicate openly. Every few months we might say 'jeez we haven't had sex in ages ha..'

Yeah definitely I've been putting it off to spare feelings. Feeling bad or sad about either the past or the future...

A girl I know recently broke up with her long term bf and told me to live in the present.. I need to do right myself and even tho it may be selfish.. I need to look after myself I can't feel compromised because of another person that I don't feel that much for anymore...

I think he will be shocked either way as he thinks I'll keep staying around forever. Which I think of myself too but I think it's time to let go..

Thanks for your advice.

You're both very young and if he's your first serious relationship then I can only imagine how hard it must be especially after so long together. It's normal to care about his feeling and not want to hurt him, while still knowing that you no longer want to be together. I agree you need to think about yourself and if you're contacting other guys etc then I think you are definitely ready to move on. Allow yourself to be happy.

dartboardio

cj maxx wrote: »

Print your OP out and read it and reread it. Then when you’re ready just lay it out to him .
If you’re living together have a long term place for you to live . Have your important things collected and packed and ready to move immediately, and tell your family ahead of it.
And stick to your guns and rehearse saying NO!
NO we can’t try again. NO it’s not a phase. No , your mind is made up .
You’re like buddies, not boy friend and girl friend.
Any he probably knows this.
Good luck

I live in my family home. We spend alot of time there together.

Yes I definitely need to practice saying no instead of giving in and saying 'ah yea sure maybe I'm thinking crazy today must be my period I'm mad don't know what I'm thinking '

dartboardio

Antares35 wrote: »

You're both very young and if he's your first serious relationship then I can only imagine how hard it must be especially after so long together. It's normal to care about his feeling and not want to hurt him, while still knowing that you no longer want to be together. I agree you need to think about yourself and if you're contacting other guys etc then I think you are definitely ready to move on. Allow yourself to be happy.

Yeah he's my first proper relationship. Which makes it hurt but I think it hurts less now than it did before.. I think I'm ready as I've accepted the fact that this happens and I'm young and I should remove people that don't bring me happiness anymore...

I think I don't even like him that much anymore. I just feel bad for him when I do end it..

cj maxx

dartboardio wrote: »

I live in my family home. We spend alot of time there together.

Yes I definitely need to practice saying no instead of giving in and saying 'ah yea sure maybe I'm thinking crazy today must be my period I'm mad don't know what I'm thinking '

Good. After the breakup he’ll have no excuse to call in while you’ll have familiar surroundings. Make sure your family know it’s for good and not a blip

dartboardio

cj maxx wrote: »

Good. After the breakup he’ll have no excuse to call in while you’ll have familiar surroundings. Make sure your family know it’s for good and not a blip

Thanks. I think my mum wlll know as we've never broken up before..

When I cheated we didn't even break up just stayed away for a few days.

I've just been imagining running to my grandparents and letting it all out. A shoulder to cry on.. I know my family will be there for me 100%.

Thanks for your support.

Yellow pack crisps

Have some respect for him. He was part of your formative years. You cheated on him once and now are emotionally cheating on him again. You’re also painting him as the bad guy when he’s done nothing wrong on the basis of it. Grow a backbone and end it.

dartboardio

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Have some respect for him. He was part of your formative years. You cheated on him once and now are emotionally cheating on him again. You’re also painting him as the bad guy when he’s done nothing wrong on the basis of it. Grow a backbone and end it.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am painting him as the bad guy as a form of self destruction. Im not really sure. Not really sure what i want since I seem to go back and forth with the decision so much

qwerty13

Antares35 wrote: »

You will probably find that he already has an idea. It does sound like things haven't been great, and perhaps he has his head buried in the sand a little? I know, it's awful. I still feel bad for breaking up with one of my exes (we are still friends). Like that I probably let it go on too long because I wanted to spare feelings but I suppose in the end, it's the lesser hurt to end it rather than prolong things.

This! I had a break up where I eventually realised that I was being strung along for ages. That hurt more than the break up. It was truly horrible to realise that various trips or events like birthdays and Christmas were just a lie. And worse, the ambiguous way the split happened, I thought there was hope, or something I could do to ‘fix’ it.

I would never have said it at the time, but brutal honesty would have served me better. At least then I’d have been devastated, but could have moved on. Instead of that, I spent months analysing the past - and also thinking I could change his mind. I spent the bones of a year being in that emotional limbo.

My takeaway is that ‘softening’ things is actually cruel. You make your choice and you need to own it. It’s actually far less hurtful in the long run. And far less damaging.

cj maxx

dartboardio wrote: »

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am painting him as the bad guy as a form of self destruction. Im not really sure. Not really sure what i want since I seem to go back and forth with the decision so much

I don't think you're painting him as the bad guy , just not the right guy. A break up is by nature a selfish thing to do as you are putting your feelings, dreams etc first, before his. It will hurt him but believe me it would be better now than if you have kids, loans together.

lainey_d_123

Am I living in an alternate universe? I'd be out the door the first time my partner called me fat or ugly, and I'd never dream of calling a partner anything like that. Think of that when you dither about breaking up, OP.

dartboardio

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Am I living in an alternate universe? I'd be out the door the first time my partner called me fat or ugly, and I'd never dream of calling a partner anything like that. Think of that when you dither about breaking up, OP.

You're right. Thank you.

I guess I have an element of low self esteem so I put up with it. Now not saying he called me that regularly. But it did happen a few times, knowing I'd struggled with weight he'd call me fat or an ugly bitch during an argument and I'd just put up with it

Or he would look at me like 'eew' in an argument to piss me off. He is quite childish while fighting as he has history of adhd and can be erratic and sensitive. That is part of the problem I guess
I feel like we don't really connect anymore we just talk at eachother

We have always struggled with being on the same page in terms of seeing each others perspective.

We get on like a house on fire and have alot in common that's what has kept us going.

However we have always struggled to see the other persons version of things. Always that has been a major problem. We see things completely differently for the most part.

An example of this :

We returned from Spain recently and he wanted to surprise his mam so he didn't tell her he was back, he done the 2 week quarantine and went to visit her. He didn't mention to me that he wanted to surprise his mam so I was living as normal putting stuff on my instagram of my dog etc.


Then yesterday he gave out to me because his mam probably knew he was back because I was posting things on insta.

I said (and this is always an issue him not being clear)

'if you want me not to do something, let me know, I cannot read your mind. So it's your fault if the surprise was ruined as you didn't tell me to keep it as a surprise'

lainey_d_123

He sounds like an idiot. Just break up with him and move on, honestly. Life is too short to be wasting on dead relationships with people who insult you, take it from someone who wasted far too much of her twenties being upset about nonsense and treated badly by idiots. You can't get those years back. You're in the prime of your life, take some time to think about what YOU want from life and how to get there.

Tork

From what you've told us, breaking up is the right thing to do here. Most couples who get together at such a young age don't last the distance anyway so there's nothing wrong or unusual about this. You've both changed and aren't on the same wavelength any more. There's nothing wrong with that. The good thing is that you've realised this and are in a position to walk away. I think both of you would benefit from being single for a while rather than rushing into new relationships. Being in a good relationship is great but sometimes people lose their individuality if they've poured too much of themselves into a relationship. Do you have friends or hobbies outside of this relationship, for example?

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to break up with somebody. Been there, done that, it's horrible But staying in one because you're afraid of hurting the other person or fear of the unknown are terrible reasons not to pull the plug. The only piece of advice I'll give to you is to be firm and clear with your message. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that (1) it's over and (2) you won't be changing your mind. While wording it in a kind way is fine, you need to be careful with the message you're giving him. Sometimes people try to soften the blow by going down the "let's be friends" route. That can give false hope. And don't have sex with him after you break up. Ideally, you should cut contact for now and allow yourselves to heal. Maybe when both of you are over the split, you can be friends again. But now, no.

IAMAMORON

Op, it does not sound great. As soon as the sex becomes a chore it is time to move on. I was certainly having a lot more than 5 or 6 times a year at your age.

Tell your mum what you are doing when you are dumping him. It will help you have some emotional support because dumping someone you care about is hard work. If your mum knows you are doing it she will be able to be firm with him also, that's if he gets clingy, this could happen for a while possibly.

Be assertive, don't get in a barney, tell him you want some time apart and tell him why, don't get nasty. Tell him you don't love him any more and that you want to be single again. If there is someone else don't let him know, it is none of his business.

After the drama of this you need to also keep your distance, 5 years is a long time, respect this, you will both need some time to recover emotionally after a break up. Try not to have any more sex with him either, it just drags crap out and break up sex is pointless.

A broken relationship is not a bad reflection on you or your partner. You might or will feel crap for a while but this emotion deteriorates and passes over time. Be brave and do the right thing for your future, you are only 22, you have a lifetime of happiness ahead of you, trust me.

Good luck.

dartboardio

Hi guys.

After putting it off yesterday and originally planning to do. It. Then, I did it this evening.

In shock and head is kinda all over the place even though I feel its what I've wanted for a while but couldn't build the courage to do so.

I presume it's normal for your head to be spinning around. Between 'what have I done' to 'its the right decision'

He was extremely upset and heartbroken. My family are shocked.

dubal

Well done, its never easy. But it was inevitable, now look after yourself and get busy doing stuff.

Dubal

Antares35

Well done it's a really hard thing to do. It will only get easier from here. Do you have friends/ family you can chat to?

whiskeyman

Well done.
You'll look back at it as the right decision, but your head will still be a blur over the next while.
Be sure you reaffirm to yourself regularly that it was the right decision for both of you.
Your family may be shocked, but they should support you. You shouldn't need to defend your decision. If you find you arez distance yourself from those people if possible or at least such conversations.

Best of luck.

Akrasia

It seems like you made the right call for both of you. It’ll be really hard for a while, your ex will probably ask you to take him back. You need to be very clear that your decision is final and there is zero chance of you changing your mind. Your ex needs to move on too and if he thinks he can win you back it might prolong the process

Best of luck to both of you,

Neyite

Also don't do the friends thing until feelings on both sides dissipate.



If you try to be friends, it drags out the process for him, you try to go out for a drink as friends, end up being with each other at the end of the night, which gives him hope and you a step back to square one. Things like social media contact, let it dwindle or be selective on what you show, and what you see on his social media.



Friendship is possible down the line, but not until both of you have moved on.

ManOfMystery

Fundamentally, your heart is either in it - or it isn't.

And the worst thing you can do is drag a relationship on for years after its natural end. It only does a disservice to both parties. Believe me, I talk from experience having been in a similar one from 18-24 which I wish now I'd ended sooner.

People change an awful lot from teenage years to early 20s, and many grow out of the relationships they're in. It sounds like you cared for him but didn't see a future with him as a partner and I think you've made the right choice. Of course family and friends might be blindsided; they aren't in your head and don't know how you've been feeling for weeks and months. They'll get past that eventually.

Tork

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Of course family and friends might be blindsided; they aren't in your head and don't know how you've been feeling for weeks and months. They'll get past that eventually.

Don't entertain any talk from them about how nice a fella he was, how they're sorry you broke up with him and are you sure you did the right thing. None of it is helpful, especially if you're still being hit with waves of buyer's remorse.

Pyr0

The best thing you can do from this is learn from your experiences with him, both good and bad. Try not to look back at the relationship for what it was in the final years/months but the relationship as a whole. Learn from it to put yourself in a healthy space for another relationship in the future.

You'll be fine!

ILoveYourVibes

Hey OP.

The only way to break up with someone is to do it clearly but respectfully. Give him closure.

Good luck.

On the rare occasion we fight its horrible. He's called me fat etc and ugly lots of times knowing that's my insecurity.

I guess I've felt like I owe him something and that's the reason I never ended it...

He doesn't sound caring to me. It sounds like YOU put him on a pedestal.

Anyway reading your post you really want to end it.

Just do it in a civil polite way. Give him closure etc.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

ILoveYourVibes, 8 posts above yours the OP has said they have already broken up.

OP, as you have resolved your issue I'll close the thread there.

Thanks to all who offered help and advice.

HS