Didn’t get closure after rekindling with an old flame - struggling to forget about it

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I had a brief fling with a guy 6 years ago, let’s call him James, he played games, hot and cold etc and I was hooked :-( any way it didn’t last. I later got into a long term relationship with another man who I was with for 5 years. Over a year into my relationship, I got a message from James asking how I was, he apologized for how he acted, I was a lovely person etc. I explained I was in a relationship and that I wished him well and didn’t respond to any further contact. I broke up with my partner several months ago (still live together at the moment due to sharing a mortgage)
I reached out to James asking how he was, he was very happy to hear from me and said he really liked me a lot but timing was bad at the time. We agreed to meet up and I was completely honest about my living situation. Very early on he was talking about seeing if we reconnected and start being coupley, he hates the middle stages of dating. I said I wasn’t ready to jump straight into anything serious right away and could we take it slow. His behaviour fluctuated between wanting to go on dates and just hanging out a sleeping together. He’d joke around saying we should get engaged and act jealous if I said I had plans with a friend, thinking that I might be going on a date which I said wasn’t the case. I thought I could deal with the latter, I enjoyed the intimacy after missing it after my break up.
I put up a story on Instagram of a night with friends (covid compliant at the time) where I was dressed up and looking good, he unfollowed me after looking at it and haven’t heard since.
I felt a really deep connection with him, partly because we both have similar ‘parent issues’ and there was an undeniable strong chemistry there, although it’s not that I find him super attractive physically I just can’t really explain it.
The bottom line is I know it would be a terrible idea to contact him and a relationship with him would probably be a disaster but I’m thinking about him every single day and have even dreamt of him a few times. I just wish I could erase him from my memory. Any advice to move past this and get some sort of closure?
Sorry that was probably an essay!

Locker10a

First of all, a leopard doesn’t change his spots, so it’s doubtful the flakiness and unreliability of this person will have drastically changed, so you were right to treat it as casual and take a cautious approach.
I’d say just leave it, I know it’s hard, I know what you mean about having the feeling of what if ...etc, just keep reminding yourself those thoughts are a fantasy in your head and not the reality of the situation.
You’ve just come out of a 5 year relationship, that’s significant and will take time to heal from, so take that time, it’s important to let yourself get over things

Hannibal_Smith

His behaviour fluctuated between wanting to go on dates and just hanging out a sleeping together. He’d joke around saying we should get engaged and act jealous if I said I had plans with a friend, thinking that I might be going on a date which I said wasn’t the case. I thought I could deal with the latter, I enjoyed the intimacy after missing it after my break up.
I put up a story on Instagram of a night with friends (covid compliant at the time) where I was dressed up and looking good, he unfollowed me after looking at it and haven’t heard since.

To be honest, if it's closure you're after just read the above over and over to yourself. That's not a deep connection at all. It's all the closure you need to delete, block and move on.

You just have to take it day by day and repeat to yourself, it was just a fling. Maybe look at why you're trying to convince yourself it was something else?

cannotlogin

People talk about wanting closure at the time. Ignoring you is closure. Maybe not the nicest form of closure but definitely closure none the less.

The end result doesn't change. Even if you meet or discuss why it's not progressing, and he explains why he's not moving things on etc, it'll make no difference. You'll still be in the same position.

When people say the want closure, what they really mean is that they aren't over it. Closure only comes when they fully accept it's over.

bitofabind

He’s not emotionally available and that’s triggering you. You are mistaking a “really deep connection” for plain old anxiety, which happens when someone blows hot and cold like this and instead of running a mile, you recognise this behaviour as love or connection. Not surprised at all that you both have parent issues.

Read this book, it will change your life: Attached by Amir Levine.

LegacyUser

You’re all right, closure will come from accepting that it’s over. I know it’s over and I know I can’t be with him or see him again, I just wish I had never contacted him and I am annoyed with myself for still being so bothered about it, I have done all the right things like deleting his number and unfollowing his social media because I know I’d be snooping to see what he’s up to. I hope that in time I will think of him less and less until I eventually don’t think of him at all. Over the years he had messaged me several times sporadically which I would ignore because I was in a relationship. I still wonder does he think of me but I know that’s not healthy.

kylith

cannotlogin wrote: »

People talk about wanting closure at the time. Ignoring you is closure. Maybe not the nicest form of closure but definitely closure none the less.

The end result doesn't change. Even if you meet or discuss why it's not progressing, and he explains why he's not moving things on etc, it'll make no difference. You'll still be in the same position.

When people say the want closure, what they really mean is that they aren't over it. Closure only comes when they fully accept it's over.

I agree. People want everything wrapped in a nice bow, but sometimes the closure is just that you got involved with a dickhead.



Draw a line under it and move on.

zoobizoo

Why would you want to go out with someone who ghosted you because you were out being yourself, looking good and having fun?

Imagine that as a boyfriend..... insecure, immature and in your face!

LegacyUser

Zoobizoo you are so right. He’s no good, I’m a good person and I deserve better.
Time will make it easier, only time.

amdublin

Cantmovepastthis wrote: »

Zoobizoo you are so right. He’s no good, I’m a good person and I deserve better.
Time will make it easier, only time.

I know it sounds cliched, but it is true. Give it time, look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You will start to feel better soon

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input all. Agh it’s so hard. Sometimes I feel really strong and that I can forget about him, I’ve had a bad weekend where I’m replaying conversations in my head and trying to analyze his behaviour. It’s so bad for me to do this but I can’t help myself

zoobizoo

Remember that you'll forget him the minute you meet someone nice.

Also, you're remembering him at his best and you at your worst as you are catastrophising and magnifying everything now.

completedit

Closure doesn't exist. The worst type of breakups are the ones where you're patronized or they tell you 'its not you it's me' or something to that effect. It isn't Hollywood. We have to accept imperfection and realise that even good people will do things that might be unsavory. OP, the guy you imagine is an illusion of your mind. Remember, we don't fall in love with the other person; we fall in love with our imagination.

IAMAMORON

He sounds like a psycho. Forget him.

Removing himself from your Instagram Feed because you went out for a few drinks with your pals? The cheek.

You are not missing anything there love. If it didn't work 6 years ago ( wow that is a long long time ago) you are not missing out on anything this time around.

The only reason you are pining is because you are lonely, if you had some company you would be over this thing. I dream about ex partners the whole time, it is very normal. That is life, there is no crime about being single for a few months. My best advice is to use this opportunity to get out there and play the field. Enjoy yourself.

Katgurl

He's just playing games with you. It's the sort of behaviour insecure people exhibit because deep down they don't think they're much and they have to become interesting somehow.

Stop trying to analyse his behaviour. It's not about you, it's all him. You were hooked because he was confusing so you were trying to figure him out and that kept him in your head.

Your current situation sounds hard (living with an ex you spent years with) and there is not much else going on with covid ruining all the fun. This fella is probably a distraction from all that.


Block him everywhere. He's a waste of time.

Locker10a

bitofabind wrote: »

Read this book, it will change your life: Attached by Amir Levine.

Good suggestion, this is a brilliant read and essential for anyone navigating single life/dating etc