Is it silly to be offended by what my boyfriend said?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I were reminiscing on when we first met 2.5 years ago and how happy we were. He said "I recall thinking you were in my league". I feel kinda hurt that that's all he thought. I was hoping to hear he found me cute/pretty right away, just like I found him hot instantly. He then muttered something about about how he would've said yes to almost any girl as he was desperate back then and now I don't feel special ? He keeps reassuring me he didn't settle and now he can see I'm better looking than him (I disagree) but I feel sad. Is it silly to be offended by this?

laserlad2010

Not silly - that's a fairly heartless thing to say

People say hurtful things all the time in lots of relationships
If he's overall a nice guy just explain how hurt you were by his comment and move on

If there are other concerns then like any relationship this could add to them

In fairness when you're in a relationship you can't pull your punches all the time and he probably thinks he was just being truthful.
However there's a large proportion of people of either gender who are in relationships and who don't make a supportive effort. This guy has zero survival instincts in my eyes considering the answer he gave

eaglach

I don't know how he exactly phrased it, but is there a chance he could have been saying it in a playful manner? Some people like to poke fun but don't really mean it.

If that's not the case then he's been too truthful and not really aware of how it would make you feel. There's nothing wrong with someone thinking that the person they're dating is in their league. It's not wise to say it to the person they're dating though.

I would take it as silly throwaway comments. He's still with you 2.5 years later so there's clearly an attraction. I'd only be concerned if there are other underlying issues that you're not mentioning and this is starting to make you rethink things. How is the relationship otherwise?

dvdman1

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

My boyfriend and I were reminiscing on when we first met 2.5 years ago and how happy we were. He said "I recall thinking you were in my league". I feel kinda hurt that that's all he thought. I was hoping to hear he found me cute/pretty right away, just like I found him hot instantly. He then muttered something about about how he would've said yes to almost any girl as he was desperate back then and now I don't feel special ? He keeps reassuring me he didn't settle and now he can see I'm better looking than him (I disagree) but I feel sad. Is it silly to be offended by this?

Physical attraction is only 1 element of a relationship, yes a very important 1...but ponder this...
your bf will be attracted to lots of good looking women throughout your lives some a lot more attractive than you. Its only natural his head will turn but his maturity and his knowledge of how much you offer will keep him by your side. My wife laughs when my head turns, we even do the ratings 1-10.

bitofabind

It's just a bit of a tactless thing to say. Less romantic, more logical and tone deaf. Is that how he is generally? Does he ever compliment you, tell you you look pretty, you're hot, he's attracted to you etc? Or is this something you feel a bit insecure about with him in general?

LegacyUser

OP here. I asked him what exactly he meant and he said "well I'm no David Beckham so that's what I mean by we're in each other leagues". I guess that's valid, I'm OK looking but damn, I thought my boyfriend would think a little more of my looks.

facehugger99

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

OP here. I asked him what exactly he meant and he said "well I'm no David Beckham so that's what I mean by we're in each other leagues". I guess that's valid, I'm OK looking but damn, I thought my boyfriend would think a little more of my looks.

Some men don't know when to lie and when to tell the truth.

It's confusing for them.

He got it wrong.

I'd let it go.

ElizaBennett

It's not very romantic and not a nice thing for him to say. We all know we're not the most beautiful person who ever walked the earth (because no one is) but we like to think our partner thinks we are. But, as others have said, if he's generally kind and good to you and shows he loves you then you might need to let it go but have a gentle word that you'd appreciate a greater effort in future to not hurt your feelings.

NewMan1982

Strange thing to say. Normally if you are being complimentary you’d say I thought you were out of my league. If playful you’d say you were lucky to get me etc.

But to say you were in my league is just strange.

Xterminator

he said it 2-3 years ago, and you are still holding it against him?

It was not a tactful thing to say. But would you rather someone who is silver tongued, and says what you want to hear rather than how he feels?
you say " He keeps reassuring me" and you know he is honest! so believe him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I'm gonna try and let it go, I felt pretty upset after he said this last nght.

cannotlogin

"I recall thinking you were in my league" - it's safe to say your boyfriend isn't going to win prizes for smoothtalker or charmer of the year but it's not really a terrible thing to say either.

If he had said "I thought we were well matched" or "we looked like we'd make a good couple " or anything similar which is probably what he meant, you wouldn't have taken offence.

Don't like the whole league nonsense, we'd all like to think nobody is out of our league but hey there's some truth to it. Like I doubt Chris Hemsworth, would consider me in his league given he's surrounded by stunning actresses and models etc.

If you're with him, he treats you well, makes you laugh, you can trust him etc, I wouldn't give it another thought. We all say silly things at times. If that the worst insult he has come out with, I'd let it be.

lainey_d_123

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

OP here. I asked him what exactly he meant and he said "well I'm no David Beckham so that's what I mean by we're in each other leagues". I guess that's valid, I'm OK looking but damn, I thought my boyfriend would think a little more of my looks.

Ehhhhh this is a total neg. I would not tolerate comments like this from someone who is meant to love me. I've dated a couple of men who wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive, but they were still gorgeous to me and I'd have never made a comment like that. Has he said other things like this?

TheadoreT

Yeah agree re it being a blatant neg. This is subtlety really vindictive and not just a clumsy choice of words on his part.

And it works on most women too, you say you want to hear all the right things from men but generally chase the ones who dont give you the attention/validation you crave readily.

IAMAMORON

He obviously misread your mood and with that the tone of your question when reminiscing.

Men brain burp and mentally fart all the time. It happens. I would not read too much into his comments.

I would use this opportunity though to fastcheck what your own benchmarks and priorities are from both your boyfriend and your relationship with him. If you think he is just drifting and maybe is not all that in love with you dump him.

suicide_circus

Do you think youre out of his league?

lainey_d_123

TheadoreT wrote: »

Yeah agree re it being a blatant neg. This is subtlety really vindictive and not just a clumsy choice of words on his part.

And it works on most women too, you say you want to hear all the right things from men but generally chase the ones who dont give you the attention/validation you crave readily.

And here's the proof for all the naive women who think the best of all men and don't believe they're intentionally manipulating them and messing with their head. Perhaps they have not had the misfortune of being negged and gradually broken - yet.

Men like this are absolutely everywhere. It's not some rare thing. You need to be on guard for the warning signs of being negged, and get out. Nobody who actually loves you would mess with your self esteem and try to make you feel like you can't do any better so you won't leave them. He is insecure and trying to make sure you are too, to keep you under his thumb.

OP. It's not a clumsy mistake. It's not mistakenly being honest when you asked him if your bum looked big in that skirt. He very deliberately said something he knew he was cruel and which would hurt you. Do you want to be with someone like that?

eviltwin

In isolation its a nothing comment. I would often joke with my partner that when we first met I didn't fancy him at all, he says the same. Its true, I thought he was fairly average when we met and he thought the same but I don't hold it against him at all.

If its part of a wider collection of comments then maybe you need to examine his motives more closely.

Porklife

There was a thread on here maybe a year ago where a guy had told his girlfriend he loved her body but her boobs were too small. He even went so far as to say he looked for big boobs in porn. The poor girl was an insecure wreck. Its blatantly obvious from an outside perspective that this guy is a tool.

My ex used to slag my tattoos all the time in an attempt to belittle me. He wouldn't do it directly though, we'd be watching a movie and a girl with tattoos would come on and he'd go Jesus, state of her tattoos, why would anyone get those horrible things! Ooh subtle 🙄

As others have said Op, in isolation its perhaps a silly thoughtless comment but it doesn't come across that way. He wants you to feel like you're just about good enough for him. Insecurity on his part or straight up asshole. Only you know the right answer.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

He's a good boyfriend but every so often he can say something a bit off. He asked me a few days ago is it OK if he has sexual thoughts about women we know and a few weeks ago he remarked that my legs looked better when I was skinnier (I'm a size 8, used to be a size 6 as a teen).

cannotlogin

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

He's a good boyfriend but every so often he can say something a bit off. He asked me a few days ago is it OK if he has sexual thoughts about women we know and a few weeks ago he remarked that my legs looked better when I was skinnier (I'm a size 8, used to be a size 6 as a teen).

Ok forget what I said my earlier post, he's either nasty or thick as ****.

Everyone fantisises about others from time to time discussing it when it's about people you know it insensitive and disrespectful. That coupled with the previous comments and the comment about your legs, especially when you are so slim, would be too much for me. It's hurtful, does nothing for your confidence. Why is he trying to put you down?

suicide_circus

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

He asked me a few days ago is it OK if he has sexual thoughts about women we know and a few weeks ago he remarked that my legs looked better when I was skinnier (I'm a size 8, used to be a size 6 as a teen).

Both those comments are designed to make you feel insecure. Why would he want to make you feel insecure? Because that makes you easier to control.

GingerLily

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

He's a good boyfriend but every so often he can say something a bit off. He asked me a few days ago is it OK if he has sexual thoughts about women we know and a few weeks ago he remarked that my legs looked better when I was skinnier (I'm a size 8, used to be a size 6 as a teen).

I didn't think much of his original comment in isolation, but it's clearly part of a pattern. He is trying to put you down and make you feel insecure, and that's just horrible.

Do you feel comfortable confronting him about this?

IAMAMORON

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

He asked me a few days ago is it OK if he has sexual thoughts about women we know and a few weeks ago he remarked that my legs looked better when I was skinnier (I'm a size 8, used to be a size 6 as a teen).

It appears obvious that he is slowly falling out of love with you. What a really nasty thing of him to say. I would never share those feelings with someone who I care about, it is really inappropriate for him to pass remarks about the size of your body, especially if he is criticising you, that is poor. You should dump him, what size dress you are is nothing to do with it.

As regards lusting after your acquaintances this is very normal behaviour, but sharing opinions is a mild form of intimidation and quite passive aggressive, he doesn't really care about you if he treats you like that. Dump him.

JustAThought

Dear OP - I had a nightmare last night that focused in a muddled way around something someone had said & done to me ten years ago - I’m still reeling from it and doubt I will ever get it out of my head. I’d say they had no idea how cruel and hurtful it was and just moved on. It is stuck in my head though. Its crazy how some things out of all of the things in life affect us and cause a crack in our emotions. Maybe it struck a deep hidden chord that you had never thought of but was subliminally there - doubts about yourself or doubts about him.

I was going originally to post and say that being or not being in ones league could be a positive. A guy measuring up his chances who has a good idea of himself would want to compete for someone he felt he could achieve is a positive - like a multimillionaire footballer who could choose anyone going only after a hot steamy brazillian model type - she would be in his (stereotypical) league. Same as someone not deciding that a pyjama clad oompa loompa with big fake tan and huge fake gold hoop earrings was not in their league - if you see what I mean!

Regarding his comments however about your legs and asking if its ok to fantasise about other people he meets - no - that is not ok. Is he just opening his mouth and not connecting his brain? If you are a size 8 you must have very slender legs - who is he to make stupid comments that he prefers them a size 6? Or is this you imagining it? Thats how much I can’t believe he said something so senseless and stupid. As for his comment on asking of it is ok to fantasise about people he meets...eeeh - is his this disconnected to how his mouth and stupid comments affects his girlfriend who he is supposed to love. You could try saying to him : it shocks and hurts
me that when we are out you are looking and and thinking sexually about people we know. How do you think this makes me feel. Or do you
think this is respectful to me.

I’d be torn between thinking he is an immature late teenager who has a motormouth and lets out every tiny and stupid thought that flits through his ‘brain’ regardless of how much of a microsecond it sat there for and with zero empathy or consciousness of how hurtful it is for you. ( all under the guise of honesty but read for this total immaturity and stupidity).

If he is older & more calculating I’d be worrying about his lack of consideration ( with regard to the fantasy comment) and basic empathy or respect for you. It shows a bad precedent . After knowing he is walking around fantasising about people ge meets or your friends or the waitress where are you supposed to go with this? Wait til he has an opportunity to act on it or walk around wondering if he is lusting after nearby people while holding your hand and telling you he loves you.

He might be a motormouth, and overtly honest, and emotionally immature and even borderline emotionally stupid or it could be the beginnings or worse and less desirable behaviour.

redfox123

I would be interested in knowing your ages, specifically his age. He sounds early-mid twenties, if not younger? His comments are those of a very immature and emotionally underdeveloped boy. It does not sound like this relationship will last. He is slowly telling you in these (considered) blunt truths about who he is and how he feels and it’s not good. He is not interested in your happiness and is slowly draining what confidence you have while making sure you know he already is looking around at other women. These are negative, insidious comments that would only come from a toxic person who wants to put you down because he is insecure and not happy in himself.

He *won’t* change, it will get worse, and the length of times between these comments will get shorter and you will be waiting around wasting your life for the fewer and fewer times he actually treats you well. Which is no life.

Emme

OP he sounds like he is making subtle but calculated digs to undermine your self-confidence. If you continue to put up with this your confidence will be on the floor in a year's time. Is he the same size as he was when you met? There is very little difference between a size 6 and a size 8.

It seems you met when you were young (you said you were a size 6 as a teen) and an 8 now. Many women in their 20s up are not the same dress size as they were in their teens. You're only a size 8! It seems that he still has some growing up to do, I'd move on and leave him to it. Let him fantasise about whoever he likes on his own. Staying with someone who subtly undermines you is not good.

LegacyUser

Hi guys. We were 18 when we met, we're 21 now. I'm actually 5-10lbs lighter than I was when we first met. He said my legs looked better on older pictures on Facebook? I still find him beautiful but he has gained quite a lot of weight in the last year. He must be around 200lbs at 5ft9, he stopped working out about a year ago and basically lives off takeaways and crisps. My parents and I worry for him. Idk where he is getting vitamins or anything from.

Hannibal_Smith

Maybe he's constantly putting you down because he's insecure about his own physical appearance.

Either way, it sounds like an extremely unhealthy relationship, surely you're not happy in it?

IAMAMORON

ConfusingReminiscing wrote: »

Hi guys. We were 18 when we met, we're 21 now. I'm actually 5-10lbs lighter than I was when we first met. He said my legs looked better on older pictures on Facebook? I still find him beautiful but he has gained quite a lot of weight in the last year. He must be around 200lbs at 5ft9, he stopped working out about a year ago and basically lives off takeaways and crisps. My parents and I worry for him. Idk where he is getting vitamins or anything from.

Dump him.

If he really cared about you there is simply no way he would consider criticising you like this. If you are only 21 I would imagine your legs are absolutely banging.

Get rid of him and disregard any of his bullying. He sounds awful, 200lbs? Holy moly, the cheek of him. Do him a favour and dump him, see how well he is getting on swinging his fat belly around the dating scene in a few weeks.

cannotlogin

Sounds like he's projecting ever insecurity he has into you. Considered about his own weight and whether or not he's still in your league.

I would suggest you leave him. He does nothing for your confidence and is not the type of person you need. Your first relationship can have a very lasting impact on future relationships so think carefully. This isn't want you want to start thinking is acceptable.