How do I move on?

LegacyUser

Hi all. I broke up with someone 6 months ago, and I don’t seem to be progressing much in moving on. We had been going out for only a year, but we really fell for each other. In the last few months I think I became a bit withdrawn, and we stopped having much sex, and I guess he had enough of it eventually and ended things because he didn’t think I was that into it. I guess lockdown may have had an effect, I found those months hard. I was devastated when he left, I still am, I felt like such an idiot for taking it for granted the last few months, and I haven’t really stopped beating myself up since.
We did back and forth for a couple of weeks afterwards, but he still didn’t want to try again, as he didn’t really think my heart was in it. My heart was in it, but I get where he’s coming from, and I don’t think there was any changing his mind.
Anyway any time I think I’m doing ok, it hits me like a tonne of bricks some mornings. I’ve been totally depressed the last few days and barely able to leave the house. I just miss him so much and I can’t believe I messed things up. I can’t fully understand why he ended things without us ever talking about things properly, we never had a fight or raised voices, nothing.
I did email him in August, telling him I think we should try again, but he just said that I’m just being reactive and trying to fix things, and that he doesn’t believe that I have thought things over properly. He said maybe if he hadn’t heard from me for a few months he might believe I had considered things properly. I get where he’s coming from but it felt like everything was clear to me the day he broke up, I had just been a bit off colour for a while as I had been neglecting myself and not doing so well.
I haven’t contacted him since, I can’t take another rejection mail. I’m 37 and I feel like he was my last chance of happiness, I thought I would have his child.
Anyway – I am having a hard time moving on. I still think about him almost 24/7. I tried going on a couple of dates but it just upset me further. I had all I wanted in a man and I f*cked it up.
I am doing all the things you’re supposed to – gym nearly every day, therapy once a week… nothing is helping.
What do I do? I wish I could just have the memory erased from my brain, I wish it never happened. I am so depressed right now.

TP_CM

Hi Op. I think the first thing to do is give yourself a bit of a break. Lockdown has been very hard on us, but to go through that and a breakup at the same time can leave anyone feeling exactly as you do right now. True love shouldn't require so much persuasion from one side. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't mind if the sex is switched off for a while, who sits with you and helps you through any 'withdrawn' type feelings, and who knows that all of that is completely normal sometimes. God, aren't we all like that sometimes?

You might feel like he was the one, but really there are a 1000 guys out there who are just like him but better. They are going about their daily routine, hoping to meet some level-headed gym goer like you. On the day you met this guy, you woke up and got dressed without a notion in your head that you were going to meet him. It's impossible to know that the same won't happen tomorrow, or the next day. The fact is, if we look after ourselves, both mind and body, and put ourselves out there, these good things just happen. They might not happen every day of the week, but we must know that they do just happen.

If you really want to get over this guy, you need to believe with a full and ready heart that there are so many more guys out there just like him. You haven't missed the last bus here, there is plenty to come.

bitofabind

Have you posted here before OP & mentioned that this shut-down thing has been a bit of a pattern for you?

Either way, my advice is the same. Focus on your therapy now & not on dating. Now is not the time for you to date, when there’s something deeper motivating you that needs to be worked through. I know you feel like you “don’t have time”, but that’s just another symptom of this problem where you think there’s something wrong with you that requires a quick “fix”. With good therapy comes self-acceptance and self-compassion, that fundamentally change your life including the way that you date. You learn to let go of past wounds and live as your true authentic self, which means you don’t need validation from dating, a partner, a job, or any of that.

There’s no timeline for this kind of work. Took me about 18 months for things to click and I’m still working on it. Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. This stuff is hard. But the route to happiness is not in chasing this man that doesn’t want to fight for you. It’s in truly accepting yourself so you naturally drop these old patterns.

completedit

Watch some School of Life YT videos. Simple and not for everyone but drive home the message and have helped me to get through scenarios like what you mention