How to deal with multiple losses and rediscover Joy.

By Battalion

I am new here, but I joined in the hope I can ask for help with my Grief. I am a year in but it was a year ago that my first loss occurred. More followed and now I am so confused as to who I am actually grieving for. I understand that grief is grief and does it really matter who for but I feel a bit cheated that I haven't been given the time and space to deal with each in it's own time frame. Am I making any sense? My first loss was my Dad. I feel so privileged that I was able to spend so much time with him towards the end and I was there holding his hand when he died. Two weeks later I found myself at another death bed, my beloved Mother in law. She passed away a month after Dad. Then a month after that I arrived at my beloved Auntie's hospice bed, minutes after she passed. I remember feeling like the grim reaper was literally sitting on my shoulder. I sobbed through the funerals but felt guilty and confused as to who I was crying for. All the losses blended into one almighty pain. I felt so cheated. I was only give two weeks to focus on Dad before I had to shift into care taker mode for my husband and his family. I remember his Uncle saying to me, "You'll have to mind him (my husband), he'll be devastated when she passes." I wanted to scream at him, "My Dad's just died!!!!" So fast forward four months and another event occurred which just completely broke me. My best friend was hospitalised after a tragedy that caused the death of her three children. I will never forget that phone call. I had a physical reaction. I am back in care taker mode, this time for my dearest friend whose grief puts mine into the ha'penny league. Lockdown arrived next, and to be honest, I think if it hadn't I'd have had a breakdown. I was suddenly forced to stop and look at my pain and grief full on! But now, I just feel so overwhelmed. My friend is still in hospital and of course no visiting is allowed. I feel like I am drifting through my days. I am out of work due to pandemic. And I just feel like I will never experience joy again. Life has lost it's colour. The events of the past year has rocked all I've ever believed in and thought was solid and secure. My faith in what is good and true has been robbed and I don't see a way to get it back.

You can’t handle this alone. Speak to your GP and ask them to recommend a bereavement councillor. Don’t let this go on any longer. You could also try organisations like this. https://text50808.ie/get-help

By Battalion

Thank you Maryanne, I am not a great "talker", hence the idea of this forum but I am going to try the text option on the link you gave me, so thank you for that x

Hannibal_Smith

That's a lot to happen to you, nevermind on top of a pandemic. It's only been a year and with a lockdown on top of it and the stress of your friend it all sounds very tough. I think it would be good to talk to someone and let it all out. Have you been able to speak to your husband about it? You're both grieving so maybe if you both share how you're feeling it would help lighten the load?

By Battalion

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

That's a lot to happen to you, nevermind on top of a pandemic. It's only been a year and with a lockdown on top of it and the stress of your friend it all sounds very tough. I think it would be good to talk to someone and let it all out. Have you been able to speak to your husband about it? You're both grieving so maybe if you both share how you're feeling it would help lighten the load?

Thank you for your kindness, my husband has always been the one I would turn to in times of crisis but we are grieving so differently. We are literally poles apart. I have some amazing friends who are also friends of my ill pal so they are going through it too. I have found grief a very lonely experience. No one tells you that, do they? Everyone's grief journey is so unique I guess...

By Battalion

By Battalion wrote: »

Thank you for your kindness, my husband has always been the one I would turn to in times of crisis but we are grieving so differently. We are literally poles apart. I have some amazing friends who are also friends of my ill pal so they are going through it too. I have found grief a very lonely experience. No one tells you that, do they? Everyone's grief journey is so unique I guess...

That’s for sure! We also grieve differently for different people. I was devastated when my father died suddenly in his mid 60’s. Couldn’t sleep. Cried at everything and anything. When my mother passed away 20 years later following a long illness, I was sad but relieved. I’ve hardly shed a tear over her. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them both equally. Just their passings were totally different. Give yourself time.