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The Passers-by

  • 02-10-2020 9:22pm
    #1
    hgfj
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 252 ✭✭


    (A poem written during the lockdown
    when the streets were mostly empty)




    The other night I overheard
    the strangest voices
    I ever heard
    speaking beneath my
    bedroom window.

    Strangely human, almost
    alien, making sounds
    that made no sense.

    They cooed, and sang
    above each other,
    and wept at times,
    - or sounded like!

    But then they whispered,
    all softly coy,
    and soundless fled
    the static night.








    .


Comments

  • #2
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    It's a bit confusing and contradictory but not bad at all.

    In the first verse I would stop the fourth line at "beneath". I would ditch the third line, the repetition of 'heard'.

    The other night I overheard
    the strangest voices
    ever. Speaking beneath
    my bedroom window.

    I would join this part---

    Strangely human, almost
    alien, making sounds
    that made no sense.
    They cooed, and sang

    Then leave a gap to the next verse so 'sang' hangs in the air ( like singing would).

    I'm not sure how they can all sing 'above each other' as some would be drowned out I would have thought.

    "- or sounded like!" is no good. It makes no sense?

    I get the feeling it's about birds because of the 'cooeing' (humans don't 'coo'), but birds don't 'weep' as far as I know. They shed liquid from the eyes, but you wouldn't hear it; perhaps I'm mistaken on all points.

    I rewrote your poem again, sorry. You are welcome to ignore my suggestions, as again, I'm not certain what the theme is.


    The other night I overheard
    the strangest voices
    ever. Speaking beneath
    my bedroom window.

    Strangely human, almost
    alien, making sounds
    that made no sense.
    They cooed, and sang

    Before they whispered,
    all softly coy,
    and soundless fled
    the static night.


  • #3
    hgfj
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 252 ✭✭hgfj


    .
    Thanks Sheridan81. Always appreciate the feedback.

    I'm happy enough with the structure of the poem as it is, at least for now anyway. There is a couple words I may change later though (sang above, as you mentioned) but for now I'll leave as is...

    Humans don't coo? Well, in a literal sense maybe but lovers sometimes do in a poetic sense, don't they? ie when they murmur sweet nothings, and suchlike.



    They cooed, they sang, they wept -
    or so it seemed, I couldn't tell.
    Their voices intermingled.

    Maybe they weren't singing at all?
    Maybe they weren't weeping either?
    And humans don't coo...

    Maybe they were lovers?
    Maybe they were inebriated aliens?
    Maybe they were passing angels?

    I don't know. I never saw them.
    I looked out the window, nothing there,
    just an empty, windless, silent street.

    One thing I'm sure of though,
    they definitely weren't birds.








    .


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