Foboff

LegacyUser

I know this is trivial but just wondering what ye would do in this situation.

My "friend " has fobbed me off twice now about meeting up.
I messaged her beg of August to meet up. She used work to get out of meeting. I said to her then to text me when she is free to meet up.
Nada... I then text her 4 weeks later and asked did she want to meet. I offered to drive to her home town.

She ignored this part of text... like I hadn't asked her at all...
I am shocked by her as I thought she was a nice girl.

All I can think is there a man and now she can't be bothered to meet me.

I actually deleted her number cos only so much effort one person cam put in.

I now feel she might text in a few months if there has been a guy and it hasn't worked out.
She went like this before when had a bf but not ignoring texts.

I won't be in any rush to meet her and my whole opinion of her has changed. Maybe just another user.:(

Views?

I think you're overreacting. It's understandable with the pandemic restrictions: trying to maintain relationships suddenly seems like a bigger deal. But I think you need to let this one go.

You said you're shocked because you thought she was a nice girl. I think its pretty harsh to imply that someone's a bad person for not hanging out with you. Deleting her number was also unnecessary - a symbolic act of aggression that she'll be completely oblivious to.

If she's not interested, which seems the case, just let her go. You're only hurting yourself by stewing about it.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you havent provided much background information here about how long the friendship has been going, what support you have provided to each other in the past, and how good a fried she was in the past.

Based on what you have provided only, it appears you have massively overreacted, gotten into a childish sulk and made assumptions. Now you are dumping a friendship you build up over i don't know how long, because someone doesn't want visitors/to visit during a covid crisis!

How you go from friend to user is the space of 2 declined visits really make me wonder about the back story because either there is a backstory or you are a bit unstable personality wise and zoom from one extreme to the other.

cannotlogin

You post sounds very dramatic.

She hasn't met you on 2 suggested occasions in the middle of a pandemic.

There could be a numbers reasons she isn't meeting you. Off the top of my head, there are a number of friends I havenot seen in months, one suffers from anxiety & covid has added to it, another is pregnant with her first child and limiting social interaction, others live outside Dublin and it would be unfair of my to travel to their counties, another has said that her social activities will just be with her immediate family to reduce her contacts, another moved in with his elderly mother so isn't meeting people as much to reduce the risk to her etc.

Rightly or wrongly, a lot of people are changing their behaviours to cope at the moment.

Could be any of the above or could be she doesn't view you as a friend. Maybe just leave it for a while and see if she gets in touch.

Sometimes friends drift away from us. It hurts, but none of us are mind readers so we can never know the reasons why, and I know a big part of what hurts is that lack of closure or explanation.

The bottom line is If she wanted to contact you she would. Sorry if that’s harsh.

I think the best thing you can do now is to put your focus on other friends or good things in your life. I’ve been through similar and that’s what helped me.

Good luck!

Airyfairy12

Youre being very dramatic and demanding. You have no idea whats going on in your friends life, she may very well be busy with work and other commitments.
Also consider the fact we are currently in a pandemic and she may not want to meet people outside of her immediate circle and people who she sees regularly but that said, none of us including you know why she cant or wont meet up.
Ending a friendship and deleting her number is very extreme imo.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I know.
Met in June and all. She has zero issue with meeting people during covid but yeah if she wanted to meet me she would.

I deleted her number so that I wouldn't give in and text her .
And that's exactly it she has my number if she wants to contact me..

I will concentrate on my other friends for sure

qwerty13

Unless you haven’t said something fundamental about your history with this friend, it feels to me like you are totally overreacting (and then some).

If you can say things like you ‘suspect’ there’s a man on the scene, it sounds like you don’t know friend (or acquaintance) all that well, if she isn’t telling you things like that. You don’t seem to know what’s going on in her life, what commitments she has - but yet you’ve jumped to every worst and blaming conclusion. As someone else said, from friend to user in the space of 2 texts is a LOT.

Why did you beg her to meet in August? That sounds incredibly intense. You said she had no problem meeting in June. Things weren’t as bad with COVID back then. Did you pause to think that she might know someone who has it? Or is restricting her contact with people in order to shield someone? Maybe she is genuinely busy with work and life.

I’m sorry to say that if you have overreacted in this way with her before, maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to meet you.

Idle Passerby

Wasn't the lockdown at it's most restrictive in June? Anyway, if I had a friend who got angry with me over being unable/unwilling to meet up, I wouldn't be in a rush to hold onto that friendship. Yours is a very intense reaction over very little.

LegacyUser

I've been in the same situation a few times, it often feels like a personal attack and made me think what did I do wrong.

But I've come to understand that the majority of the time it's nothing to do with me at all. People can have so much going on in their own lives, they probably haven't even thought about you. Last year I was home injured for months and got really down about how a couple of my friends didn't reach out to me. When we finally caught up I learned they both had personal issues way more serious than mine. I felt awful then that I had been home thinking they were ignoring me that I had failed to reach out and ask how they were doing.

What I'm saying is, you cannot know the reason she has fobbed you off is because she doesn't like you unless you ask what is going on. Before you deleted her number did you ask how she was doing? Did you tell her how you were and how much a meet up means to you? Maybe you are having a tough time and a meet up would mean everything, but maybe she is anxious about it, or really is very busy. But neither of you will know unless you can communicate this.

Zebrag

The thing I've learned over the years is that friendships come and go. Regardless of who puts the effort in. Regardless of how long you've known someone.

It's not always based on a fight that happened or someone said something. Often it's a case of friendship out grow over the years. It could be lack of interest, it could be because other friend found people they've more in common with, it could be friend has more going on in their lives and don't have time for themselves let alone others. It could be a difference in opinions and so forth.

Maybe it is the lockdown and restrictions and they've just decided to stop planning anything because let's face it, its hard to do anything these days without worrying. Believe me a lot of people have just stopped doing what they used to love as being told you can only do things for a certain length of time gets tiring. Being told what you can and can't do can affect people mentally and emotionally.

I won't say you're over dramatic as I can understand when you put the effort in and the other doesn't want to play along but I will say, usually it's a various of reasons for why your friend has just stopped and to be honest, they are within their rights to not have to explain anything. It may well be a case of your friend just doesn't want to meet up or see you. That's not all bad. It's upsetting of course but deleting numbers and acting like they should be the one to contact you first is a little childish. Take it as a hint on your part and see is as a case of, well I've tried so I'll move on.

If you think it's a case of friend choosing a relationship over friendship then it may well be the case but that shouldn't detear you either. You've stated you've got other friends, then all isn't lost. Just that one friend you've concentrated on isn't meeting your needs and for whatever reasons that may be, you should focus on what you do have rather than what you don't have.

Friendships aren't easy at the best of times and as you go through life, you're going to meet all walks of life and sometimes, others get left behind, not out of nastiness but... its life.

Edit: Your friend shouldn't have to feel force into meeting you, or anyone either. If they don't want to meet up, they simply don't have to. Whether it's an excuse they give or a simple no with no explanation, no one has to do anything. Begging a friend too meet up simply states, you're more invested than they are or you're needy of their attention without thinking that there's other factors involved. If they agree to meet up, that's grand. The same goes for you. If a friend wanted to meet up and you weren't in the mood or had other things going on then I'm sure you would either ignore their request or just say no. It's a two way street but like I said, it's life and we don't have to do everything someone else wants to do

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
Yes, deleting umber might be deemed as childish or aggressive to some. That's not directed at her. It's for myself. I have caved in 1000s of times with people and only this year I have started to know my worth.
I suppose I don't really have many good friends. I have both friends and men who have used me a lot over the yrs. I guess I am more hurt as I know I am not popular. If I didn't arrange things with my friends stuff wouldn't be arranged.
Anyways I am happy with myself in general. Nice job, nice home.
Yeah, she might have stuff going on but to blatantly ignore the text I don't feel was nice.
I didn't want to force or to meeting. Kinda thought she might want to as she was the one who suggested when we met last.
But as another poster stated if she wanted to meet or reply she would've.

cloudatlas

Foboff wrote: »

I actually deleted her number cos only so much effort one person cam put in.

I now feel she might text in a few months if there has been a guy and it hasn't worked out.
She went like this before when had a bf but not ignoring texts.

I won't be in any rush to meet her and my whole opinion of her has changed. Maybe just another user.:(

Views?

It's possible that the friendship has run it's course. Nobody who has been in a friendship wants to sit down and explain why it hasn't worked out so people just drift into ghost mode.

I can't say that's what is happening here but I think you have to just put the ball in her court and if you don't hear from her you can assume that the friendship is over.

A good friend would have sent a warmer response even if they were in a relationship.

I am me123

I think you need to realise that being someone's friend does n't give the right to think friends own each other .
Realise that you don't have the right to dictate what your friends do with their free time.

ILoveYourVibes

Foboff wrote: »

I know this is trivial but just wondering what ye would do in this situation.

Hello Foboff.

I would stop begging for friendship.

Not just this girl...but anyone.

I would also have higher expectations but less drama.

Friendship isn't about how much effort someone puts in. Its about who you like. Who will be there for you when times are tough. You have to stop thinking about what you give or get out of a friendship.

Its more like rhythm. Either you are in the same rhythm or you are not. Either you enjoy hanging or you don't.

You can't react emotionally like this and just put out toxicity though.

She is not a bad person. But this isnt a friendship.

If you are caving to bad friendships ..that means you are lonely. Or you don't see yourself as being able to make new better friends easily.

I think that is something you should look at.

Also fill your life up.

If you don't have the confidence that new friends will come along etc you will hang on to bad ones. Its not a good habit partic later in life.